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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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But of course, there's a Twist
And with Oliver pissed oblig.
Gruel was bought with the last farthing.
I heard the characteristic sound of a synchromesh eating itself on that last line. Perhaps it's just me though.
Today I met old Mr. Scrooge
Wearing eyeliner, perfume and rouge
With his arm around Cratchit (Sierra M) It ain't just you unless it's just the pair of us.
Whose own make-up did match it
I felt like I needed refuge!
Oh, let's sing an ode to the tench
Of its wonderful barbels and stench
But this tasty fish
If asked, has one wish:
Would be, "throw me back in the trench!"
Would be: "Oh, throw me back in the trench" seems to fit more snugly to me. Are my ears on the blink?
And now let the Cod stir our muse
With a chorus of Bass singing blues
Add in a cow
A bird on a bough
And a sheep makes it "Tweets, Bleats and Moos". - [Rosie/SM] Nope, it's not just you, unless it's just the three of us
Now let's chant on the worth of an eel Well done everyone on that last one
Just one pound a pound - it's a steal
In a sour jelly sauce
And mash, but of course
We must top with stewed eyeballs of Seal!
As I swallowed an octopus whole
I pondered the state of my soul
As its tentacles gripped
Round my spline it just slipped
T'was a bit of a sushi "own goal"
I talk to the trees - no reply
They say not a word - must be shy
I'll summon Prince Charles
To bring organic farls
And other such green stimuli. [Marc, 2 up] Alarming capitalisation, no?
Deep in the Forest of Dean [Tuj] maybe he meant the singer
There lives a cantank'rous old Queen
He dresses in drag
When he goes for a fag
The Yank kind, if you know what I mean!
How do you get text small? A hard break is needed here.
Up in the clouds, lives a moose
He's mauve, with a trace of chartreuse.
He looks kindly down [Kage] The simplest incantation to make small text is to put <small> and </small> around the text you want to disembiggen. Tuj, Software and I have gone a step or two beyond the basics, however.
With nary a frown
As he sips on jicama juice.
A good limerick follows some rules, My line is not a perfect example though. Good hints may be found here: http://freespace.virgin.net/merrick.sheldon/limerickrules.htm
Oft ignored by colonial fools
In time they may learn
That when it's their 'turn'
The limerick monster then drools
We've had too many big spats
And garishly styleless hats [Softers] My point exactly.
With big plume-like feathers
And bunches of heathers awful scansion
Festooned with twenty live rats
Prime the carb! Good! Now, pull on the string! Lawnmowing. Sigh.
Gosh - it started - I can hear it sing!
Its great throbbing roar
Shakes window and door (Softers) Not all God's children got rhythm, it seems.
And birds take quickly to wing
In a lake where thick mists do abound
The kelpie can often be found
This aquatic equine
So hard to define
Eats children, once they have been drowned
In the vale of the shadow of death OK to continue geographic theme?
Lived a gnome who was strung out on meth
This short-arsed stoned tweaker
Drank grog from a beaker
And could stop a big bus with his breath. (Spangle) Very much so, Gary. We do themes quite often.
A dwarf, in the Forest of Arden Geog. and Mythic themes cont'd
Tends an insectivorous plant garden
Though one day after lunch
He had a hunch
He was gone in one munch Sorry KS, we need more syllables!
In a triffid that grew in his garden.
The Humber, the Ouse and the Trent
Each one gave up flowing in Lent
With riverbeds dry
And craft all awry
Wondrin' where all the water had went
As we stood on our boat, high and dry Continuing this riparian theme
We thought the world's end must be nigh
Then down came the rain
Our ark floats again!
Send the wind - for our boat might just fly!

Marc - There once was a lady named Jude, A classic one for a change?
Whose language was vulgar and rude
This foul-mouthed young hussy Oh dear
Was clearly not fussy
About where she verbally pooed. It's Jannit Stwee' Paw'aah!
While poling one day in a punt
A loud hussy called me a runt
So I shouted right back
"It's class, dear, you lack"
Then I poled her backside with a dunt.
While rowing one day down the Dee
I stopped in Llangollen for tea
And when I was sated
My watch indicated
The time was a quarter to three
This paint has gone hard in the tin!
It now has that rhino-like skin (irach) My Dad went to school in Llangollen, where he learnt English.
Yet its shocking pink hue (Rosie)I had come from the US to work on a biotechnology project in Wrecsam and had visited nearby Llangollen four years ago. Lovely place.
Stops me feeling blue
And makes me break out in a grin.
There never was a marshmallow
Made from taconite, asphalt and tallow
But the latest from Lidl (irach) Yes, nice place. But can you pronounce it? You could be forgiven if you can't. "Wrecsam" is a fairly recent Welshification of the original English name. A bit clumsy, seeing that it doesn't obey the rules of Welsh pronunciation if pronounced as "Wrexham" but a change from the usual traffic in the opposite direction (eg Cardiff, Pembroke, Lampeter, Brecon, Barmouth).
Is quite a riddle
Though the flavor, it is a bit shallow.
Oops, line needed!
My mother thinks I need a shave
Crappy scansion:

KagomeShuko - My mum thinks I need a shave
Software - So I'll just have to be brave

[Softers] Worse. What exactly was wrong with the original? It has the same beat pattern as others on this page.
KagomeShuko - My mother thinks I need a shave
Software - And so I'll just have to be brave
I Say, Porter! - My new cut-throat razor
Propelled by green-laser
Was bought off a cockney called Dave
One day while out drinking Real Ale
I heard a most agonised wail
It went "Ralph!" and then "Huey!"
It looked like chop-suey
It happens each time without fail.
"This paté is off!" I exclaimed
"That darned novice chef must be blamed!"
Is what we contrive
Hidden textI just went back over the various verses herein and I believe that the ones in which line three was used to develop the theme in lines one and two seem to give a sense of unified completion whereas those in which line three veers off into new territory end up conveying an unfinished feel more often than not. It doesn't seem to matter much in this scheme of evaluation whether line two takes a sudden left turn. Of course, now I come to think about it, a line two diversion leaves fifty percent more poem time to work through the new idea than a line three unsignalled turn.
Hidden textIn My Opinion, of course, and I'm not suggesting anything needs fixing.
When PETA's petition's defamed
A beetle, a slug, and a squirrel
Named Bernie, David and Cyril struggling for a rhyme
Left Liverpool's shore
For they'd come to deplore
Their mis'rable lives on the Wirral nice work, Spangle!
American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Thanks Phil. But sorry KagomeS - you are making it very difficult for others to play nicely, as they say.
[Sprangle] In my humble opinion it is not better, nor worse, than the average standard these days...
KagomeShuko - American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Marc - And USA pints are more a beer-keg
This isn't a limerick
So we rhyme with a little dick
And light the fuse to the powder-keg ***BoooooM***

There was an old man of East Cheam
Who was known to be "broad in the beam"
His magnificent rump
Was both rounded and plump
And out of his bunghole came steam.
My mother snores like a pig
[KS] Don't you mean your grandmother?
And besides she is awfully big (assuming grandmother for several reasons ;-)
Asleep on her back
All her muscles go slack
And off slip her rings, teeth and wig.
To prevent vi'lent earthquakes one must
Roll in a pile of gold dust
And then drill a deep hole
Eat ragoût of vole
And watch 'Monte Carlo Or Bust'.
The fear of a bursting balloon
Has fettered this worthy Walloon Walloon: n. One of a French-speaking people of Celtic descent inhabiting southern and southeast Belgium and adjacent regions of France.
For a bang in Bastogne
Makes him flee to Boulogne
And wet his brand new pantaloon
In the theatre I'll make a new life!
Away from the trouble and strife
As the curtain ascends
I have four hundred friends
At the end they threw apples and knifes!
"This weekend the office is closed,"
"We're having the furniture hosed"
"All the coffee and crumbs"
are all quoted by Mums
When they're feeling unkindly disposed

So shoot me :^)
No problem! Marc, pass me my gun Well you asked for it Spangle
Multiposters shall die, every one! (Actually, we usually let them off with a keelhauling these days.)
But first we'll keelhaul 'em
Hidden textBut we keelhaul 'em first would have been kinder
Then let rottweilers maul 'em Can't believe the assembled peoples did not object vociferously to Marc's utterly atrocious "knifes".
Then chop off their heads just for fun! (Sorry folks, I saw a lot of rotten apples and knives in the air that night… ;-)
Long ago when all maidens were chaste,
And their stays were laced tight at the waist
Men used to try
All brave men used to try (adding a few syllables...)
With a grip ‘round their thigh
If their legs were sufficiently spaced

He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,"
Do people get some perverse pleasure out of spoiling this game for others? C'mon man - you've been playing here long enough :^)
Let's see what can be done with this
"Your sticks and stones
May hurt my bones"
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain

He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
As do hurled traffic cones
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain"

 ?

[SM] Well done - I didn't see anything wrong with Marc's line either, which uses a correct anapaestic rhythm. I would like to object to no-one picking up on the incorrect spelling of "disdain" though.
[Phil] I overlooked nasty "distain"
There's a problem it seems with my brain
It seems to be telling
Me to ignore spelling
When used in a hum'rous refrain

Sorry for horrible scansion.

He shrugged off their words with disdain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
Not to mention cellphones,
That keeps filling my ears with deep pain!”
(enough of this then...)
[Phil] Interesting - until you said it, I couldn't hear Marc's line in a way that made it correct. The influence of the rhythm of the original 'Sticks and stones' chant just got in the way, I suppose.
A young lady from old London town
Wore to Ascot a transparent gown
The resulting mêlée
Caused by said negligée
Turned the once verdant lawn dirty brown
This young woman's gauzy attire The theme is worth developing a little more
Was based on a thin frame of wire
It was easily bent
To convert to a tent
With a leftover piece for a spire.
Friday night and the eggnogs are free (Well done all, free eggnogs to everybody including Sprangle!)
The young ladies are drunk as can be
Alas, so am I
And I want pumpkin pie
But none of these babes bake, you see?
The cult of the hero is flawed (Cheers Marc - jolly generous under the circs :^)
Lesser mortals are easily awed
With gold head and clay feet
They're not quite the elite
They should all be put to the sword
A deep-fried pork pie's just the thing
To make arteries lose their zing
Though the taste is insipid
Being quite high in lipid
It will clog our veins with a wring...
There's a show on the old BBC
‘bout a sex-selling young frenchisee (sic)
Dr Who's Billie Piper
Is scared by a viper
Are you sure it's not ITV3?
I've got an idea for a show:
Called 'How Does Your Garden Grow?'
Its hostess' name's Mary
She's big, blond and scary
When brandishing dibber and hoe
I've got an idea for a shoe
That involves pink feathers and glue
It's most orthopaedic
If somewhat comedic
'cause the size that I need is 'canoe'...
Now that was really nice. Shall I start another?
I've got an idea for a jacket Allow me, m'dear.
It's got bling and will cost me a packet
Its ermine-trimmed ruff
Doubles up as a muff
So I'll call it my < Cockney Rhyming Slang > Desmond Hackett </Cockney Rhyming Slang >
[Softers] I think your Desmond Hackett also needs to be old.
My trousers are have broken the mould
They're pink satin and sequined in gold
Though tight in the seat
They make it look neat [pen] yes, I meant to but forgot :o(
When they splat and my bare butt got cold.
Oh Dear, won't you please come inside,
At least 'til the bloodstains have dried
This axe in my head
Is no cause for dread
I'm an extra in 'Frankenstein's Bride'
Excellent!
I once found an eye in my soup
It stared at me through beefy goop
My mom said, "It's a pea,"
But I knew it could see
‘cause it blinked – it was Billy the Snoop! (Why me?)
"My dear Watson, I think it was you,"
"Who has spent the weekend sniffing glue"
"What I smoke in my pipe"
"Is something more ripe"
"(It's a horse of a different hue)"
"It's a 'baccy from old Araby"
"Yon beetle crawlin' in it? It's scaraby"
[SM & irach] I got hit twice with that one!Ouch!!
"Belonged to Imhotep"
[penelope] Okay, I'll bite: What is wrong with my first line?
Who had lots of pep Sierra Mike - just difficult to rhyme, I think.
Hidden textAlso, what's a "'baccy?"
Oh dear O dear O dear - and we were doing SO well back up there ^^^ :^(
Growing smokeless tobacco at Niles Abbey http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabennae

At submission make sure brain is ON, (Sometimes rhyme and scansion must be ignored for educational purposes ;-)
Lest scansion and rhyme isn't done
the failure to check [SM] I'll try and be kind! 'Araby', with its stress on the second syllable is very hard to rhyme and scan. And the fact that you had to tailor the word for tobacco AND the word for Arabia to make a first line makes me think you were trying too hard whilst ignoring the basics. If it doesn't scan, it, er, doesn't scan.
Can make a train wreck
Keep it simple - lest all wit be gone
The writing that's writ on the wall
Is italic, and forty feet tall [penelope] I'll return the kindness. It's a BAC-ee from OLD ara BEE. "Baccy" was common usage when I was a lad; my pipe-smoking father never referred to it by any other name. The Archaic "Araby" seemed to fit perfectly with "old".
Hidden textIt's a baccy from old Araby / Burns smoothly and lights easily / Just one single match / And the dried-up leaves catch / And I suck down the fumes greedily
Hidden textthat's all very well Sierra Mike - but it's a team game and you have to take into account the mind-set of the ... anyway, enough of these convoluted justifications for *bad play* - can we just get on with the game? It was working rather well up there ^^
[Spangle]
Hidden text Bad play? The scansion was straight from ISIHAC and the previous line (and I STILL can't imagine how penelope came up with her metre for the line), google hits baccy on the first try and the limerick I wrote in response was from the top of my head, stream of consciousness. An easy rhyme, with acceptable scansion. Doesn't get more team oriented than that.
It says: Children - let's play
Nicely all day
Nice and gentle all day; And do not kick those arses at all!
Hidden textTo see this you must click 'reveal'
And the reason I chose to conceal
u.s.a
Does such play have any appeal?
I'd say that it doesn't
Shall I spoil? No I mustn't tough rhyme KS
Hidden lines (when they fail!) is no big deal
The visions we build with our lines
Are matched by most motorway signs sorry above - didn't realise not all can access the reveal feature
The white and the blue
And the green and black too No-one seems to have noticed Tuj's hidden move.
(Raak)
Hidden textI passed my mouse over it but that was after the following 2 posters had completely ignored it. It was very much in the spirit of what I intended when I began with a 'Hide' - nice one Tuj. I fear some of us are too subtle
Are always covered in vines!

Spangle: Minus 2 points for multiposting without license
Softers: Minus 2 points for not observing Tuj's hidden line
The rest: Well played all
There was an old lady of Kent
With a fortune that still was unspent
A young man on the make
And a bit of a rake
In her riches made a big dent
There was an old fellow from Surrey Shut up at the back!
Who late at night started to worry
'Bout the Euro and Pound
Then he suddenly found
That the Irish had just said they're sorry
There was an Architecture student
(FGZ) Would you like to have another go with some that has the right rhythm and has a few rhymes?
Let's try
A student of architecture
Had ambitions both noble and pure
His fine fenestration
Was just demonstration
Of some of his cunning allure.
On yesterday, my birthday fell
Hidden textI wonder how far it fell?
And the gifts were all brilliantly swell
I particularly like
My fish on a bike
And the crack from the Liberty Bell
There's an elephant stuck in my door
He says he's not from Bangalore
But from Disneyland ®
With a full marching band
...but they're late! It's my birthday no more! </scansion-bending>
An unbirthday party sounds nice
Are you coming? I won't ask you twice
There's cake - but no candles
Because of the vandals
And no tarts as we're all anti-vice.
Your honour, my client is blameless
But the guilty shall still remain nameless
We admit he was there
And shed a loose hair
So he's balding, not guilty, but shameless.
I've a notion to tame a gorilla [pen,Ros] delicately finished, kudos
By off'ring it strawb'rry vanilla (Tuj) Cheers.
Ice cream or candy
Perhaps some brandy
I think I'll name it Godzilla!
There's far too much bran in my diet
Ever since my doc said I should try it
It goes through me so fast
And it ends with a blast
And now I feel deflated and quiet
I really wish I could explain
To Frenchmen, Danes and Turks
How to optimize rhymes [Rosie: To a Frenchman, a Turk and a Dane?]
Oh Arse, buggeration and Rupert Murdoch! I must've thought it was a Pea and Honey Recipe. Try this then:
To the average Frenchman or Dane
How to optimize rhymes (Marc) I've put yours in again, as the art mistress said to the gardener.
For these cold, rainy climes
And why rain always falls on the plain
My standard reply is denial [Rosie] Just so happens with a bit of stress manipulation my line could've been either!
I'm from Barcelona, I smile (Tuj) That may have been what misled me, apart from inattention.
And say "Si, si - mañana
"We have no bañana" oblig.
I'm brimful of Catalan guile
There was a young fellow called Frank
Who laughed all the way to the bank
His sperm for to sell
But he tripped and he fell
And said: "That was a waste of a .."I'll get my coat
The holiday season is grand
but I wish you'd just hold my hand
I get lost in the crowds
Coz my head's in the clouds (KS, G) Little scope for decent rhymes. Are you one person doing double postings under two names?
When I hug your right mammary gland... (Cloud number seven?)
I'm gonna jump in with a punt (Blame Jim. I challenge you all to avoid any smut with this one!)
While eating a cake - a great Bundt
Which I bought in Nantucket
Along with a bucket
After I had a lunt lunt: smoke a pipe. Also, me? I am one person. KagomeShuko is my single screen name I use now. Giertrud is not me.
There once was a Japanese fighter [KS,G Occasionally I'm also a little schizo!] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tekagi-shuko
Who had a mishap with a lighter
His Zero caught fire
And he faced Tojo's ire
For smoking at work, the poor blighter.
There once was a Christmas elf
Who suffered from very poor helf
So he went to the doc
Who did naught but mock
And charged him the bulk of his welf
Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"
There once was a chic little chick (back to basics)
A fashionista that made the rest sick
Her little black dress
Revealed to the press
A house built of silicone brick "If you can remember the seventies, would you admit it?"

Marc - Twas the Night before Christmas I think,
That I thought I would have a wee drink
So I poured out a brandy
Got a hooker called Mandy
And called Charlie Sheen's shrink. (apologies about the reference to the US News)
At the end of this year let me say,
It's been 52 weeks of great play
This collective of wit
- since its fuse was first lit -
has taxed my matter that's gray.
A new year's a time for new things
And a time when ev'rybody sings
So let's sip some wine
With some food that's divine (Can anyone please explain Giertrud's line? I do not understand it at all but I am a blody foreigner of course...)
And wait till the microwave pings . Grey matter - a reference to the stuff inside the head - i.e. the brain.
I've forgotten the things that I knew
For example, is this year still new?
And if not, then how old
We should all be told
If I'm kept in the dark - I shall sue
While stuck on the M25
A shortcut I tried to contrive
But my detour through SloughYou have the option - sluff or slouw...
Was more than enough enuff or enow...
To add a half hour to my drive
Hey, have you seen my rubber?
If I don't find it I'll blubber.
Is it this one - the black? (G and KS, I admire the remarcable precision in two different persons posting ;-)
Flavoured if you need a snack
Another mercy killing -
Bubba bubba bubba bubba bubba
Now play properly!
Spangle, your license is now confiscated. You may go to your room and stay there!
We'd very much like you to try
Finding rhymes that will fit, don't be shy
When you've done that
Verses won't go all "splat"
Or fizzle out and just die
Oh look! Here's a blow-up sheep!
[G] No there isn't. 1. It doesn't scan. 2. It's effing childish. Try harder.
[penelope] I, too, am deeply disappointed with the children's recent behaviour.
Spangle - I need to confess to a crime
I've wasted four hours of your time
But in my defence
I will use common sense
To provide you both reason and rhyme
I need to confess to a sin
I went out the door that said "In"
My erratic egress
To my X's address
Is because my mind's in a spin
Was a flimsy excuse to buy gin
My shame of embarrassing sin oh this is turning out to be a sorry tale...
I've drowned in a gallon of gin
My soul's taken flight
So I think that I might
Have some fun in the hell that I'm in
Alas and alack! Woe, is me!
I think I just scraped my knee!
As I kneeled on the floor
Wrestling with a trapdoor [Marc] Is "kneeled" modern American for "knelt"?
While fleeing the L.A.P.D.[Raak] both are acceptable here in the States.
There once was a kneeling young nun [Raak] Don't ask me, I'm an alien using MS-word for my poofreading...
Who thought she'd stand up just for fun
Her habit then ripped.
And her modesty slipped
But she made the third page of 'The Sun'
Monty Python would just be so proud
if you played a tuba that's loud!
With dead parrots in tow
Let's get on with the show!
Individuals all in this crowd!
Whilst playing "The Liberty Bell"
Our bandstand collapsed - then we fell
And the bell fell and cracked
So with guilt I am wracked
And Ben Franklin is giving me hell
A round of applause please - I've just
Excavated this ancient Greek bust
It is Aphrodite
It's going back to Blighty
After I've cleaned all the dust.
My camera's screen's certainly dying
I broke my scanner too without much trying
So now I can't scan - pun intended - oh yeah
'cause when shit hits the fan [Spangle] Brilliant!
It is off to the shop and start buying.
While bringing a meeting to order
I played the Bach "Air" on recorder
After tapping the mike
Someone said "Take a hike!"
For my Musical Offering just bored her.
I've done all your laundry by hand well... almost half of it - the washing machine is broken
And to scrub every floor I have planned
Including the loo
And the soot-laden flue
And the beach that's STILL covered in sand!
One day an old Pearly King
Was somehow mistaken for Sting
Every breath that he took
Caused his fizzog to look
Like a tantric arrangement of bling
It's so cold I think hell freezes over
As I'm driving my old Vauxhall Nova
My fingers are numb
And so is my bum (oblig.)
How long is it 'til I read Dover?
It's taken four years to explain
Where the rain falls in some parts of Spain
Yet the answer was clear
It's in Andalucía
Hidden textDriest part, actually. Too bad.
Where they have located the drain!

I tried finding words to rhyme clear
Then gave up, and went to buy beer
When I entered the store
I found it cost more
So my eye developed a tear
I cried, and I cried, and I cried,
For I tried, and I tried, and I tried
But dear oh dear
I do fear, I do fear
That you lied and you lied and you lied.
[M, R, S, i, P] That's the most heart-rending limerick I think we've ever had. Well done.
Now let's think of cheerier matters
Like Tommy Cooper and other mad hatters
Morecombe and Wise?
Making mud pies
With their dressing gowns covered in spatters
It's time for my daily banana
All smothered with pureed sultana
A durian milk shake
(Quite a smelly mistake!)
Maybe I'll come back manãna
There's a reason I don't like young Dave
And I'll share it with you 'cause I'm brave
Is, he scares me, y'see
With that noise as he wee
And the daredevil way that he shave Marc, is English your native language? Because sometimes I wonder, the way you force rhymes in when the subject and sense just don't fit.
There once was a man with a beard
Which he grew because folks said he leered
But he leered unabated
At each lady he dated
And that Sir, is how come he got sheared.
While trying to play Brubeck's Take Five
My feet started dancing the jive
Their groovy gyrations
Made large perturbations
- I'm told that her toes won't survive.
Tonight is a full Lenten Moon
Which comes not a moment too soon
For I have indulged
And my belly has bulged
I admit - I'm a thorough poltroon
My favourite Uncle has claimed
That he was mistakenly blamed
For the financial mess
And for cheating in chess
For which he was named, shamed and maimed.
[p,S,M,P] :-)
"In jail you belong Uncle Andy!"
"Your excesses go beyond randy"
"For your lecherous way"
"You now have to pay"
But first, pour me some of that brandy?
Please stop this absurd punctuation
It leads to complete obfuscation
Say the words as they're spelled
Like "yacht", "Keighley", "knelt" (Raak) I'm sure you meant "spelt".
or "supertranssubstantiation"
All of us use electricity
Its chiefest appeal is simplicity
However, some find
That Propane gas, combined
In the kitchen causes duplicity
My mouse balls are sticky with dust
Which disables the joy of mouse lust well, really!
So I've screwed off the plug
Gave its balls a good tug
All of which leaves my mouse quite nonplussed
My monitor's baleful stare
Seems to plead, "Is anyone there?"
The answer, so sad
Because it's just a fad
To use this outdated hardware.
I've revived my old VC10
Which I last flew in - goodness known when!
Though its synthetic sound (http://www.vintagesynth.com/korg/vc10.php)
Makes it bound to the ground
Though we're airborne each Friday at ten.
The next time I see a black cat
At it I shall throw my hat
I shall swear curse and spit [Softers] Wouldn't 'old hat' give your line a better scansion?
As I rightly see fit
Then kick it away. And that's that.
Incredible as it may seem
I like being broad in the beam
The comfort I get
From a full buttock set
Is matched by a fine bosom team
[P, i, p, So, Sp] Jolly good, I enjoyed that :-)
My shoulder is hurting like hell
And it makes my arm ache as well Actually this is timely, I have a trapped nerve in my shoulder and it does hurt like hell!
I must give up darts
And start dating tarts
As my jerk-muscle's started to swell.

I shall reach for my coat and my hat
Don them, adjust my cravat (Chasty) Your jerk muscles are situated in your hand and forearm and I detect overuse.
The make for the door
For us who don't score
The whorehouse will remedy that
My life has been turned upside down
In my new job as "Famed Head-stand Clown"
The blood to my head rushes
Which gives me hot flushes
Which at least brings some kind of renown
There once was a man who was smart
Who could cunningly conceal a fart
Or so he had thought Fool. You can never achieve that.
Because he was caught
Claiming hydrogen sulphide as art.
I wish I had super strength
I'd not ask, "Are the foils all a length?"
I would just use me arms
And switch on all my charms
Albeit imbibe far less absinthe.
One day while washing my car
Of bird droppings, fag ash and tar Last one absolutely dreadful.
Which clogged up my chamois *careful now*
And made it all clammy Antipodean Pronunciation invoked
Now it's shining and worthy a Czar
In French, but not English, there's gender (Pablo) Wot, clamwah?.
In UK its a wing, not a fender
US -"center", not "centre"
but you can tell what is meant: a
In this case we've arrived at The Ender.
My boss (it's a she) never knows
The colour I've painted my toes
One day I'll surprise her
By using Budweiser
And the powder left from Cheetos.
The good folk of Chorlton-cum-Hardy
Are quite underweight - never lardy
But the chiels o' Dumfries
Are loaded with grease
Smelly, obese and quite mardy
There was an old man of Dundee called William Topaz McGonagall.
Who wrote verse that the people of Dundee and beyond found comical
He strove with heroic verse both night and day
Each effort more disastrous than the Tay
His poetry you can still see, serialised in the Edinburgh Chronicle
It seems at last we've found our level
And so we can begin to revel [Simons]Is this some quaint old Tudor metre for limericks that you have resurrected?
Poetic form is so passé 4 lines, AABB?
The Lim'rick déclassé - It still works as a Limerick, IMHO: It seems at last we've found our level / And so we can begin to revel / Poetic (pronounced pwetic) form is so passé
But this stuff sounds more like Phil Neville. (Phil notNeville) You're a kinder man than me. SM's line can be greatly improved by inverting we've and at last. (Pablo) Any further references to "quaint old Tudor" will be treated with the utmost disdain. :-)
So who took my great name in vain
The whole world, old chap, once again Not a diamond geezer, then.
On the silvery Tay
As you stood up to say: [Rosie]Scorn my Tudor references as you will, the fact remains that Simons started us off in 6/8 metre but with crotchet-quaver pattern ending on a weak beat, whereas you finish with traditional limerick 6/8, all in quavers and finishing on the strong beat. Metric mismatch! (Sorry for expressing it in musical terms but have forgotten all that anapestic/trochaic/pterodactyls stuff.)
"Would you look at that f***ing big train!"
That's silly enough for the nonce
About with this stuff let's not ponce (Pablo) It was mock indignation, a joke (note the smiley), nothing to do with metre. Are you aware of my real name, and age? I thought most the the Morniverse was.
Just get to the point
Or we'll have to appoint
A gendarme to whack noobs on the bonce.
I spied from behind a net curtain
A something, of which I'm not certain? It could be... may-be not... or may-be it's... No, sorry I can't make it out, can any of you?
Could it be a duck? [Rosie] re name and age, I have heard rumours, but would not like to act on anything unsubstantiated :-)
Flattened out by a truck
Or hotpot by Betty Turpin
The Thames did once stink to high heaven
In fact, you could smell it from Devon
But some Eau de Cologne
Shipped by old Sly Stallone
Raised the pH to eleven. Caustic comments awaited.
It's true! I've seen elves, gnomes, and fairies
Who always pick my strawberries.
These funny wee folk
My joints they will smoke
And annoy me by shouting "Hail Marys"
While mowing my lawn in the rain
My foot felt a quite sudden pain
It turns out I'd stood
On something that should
Have driven a maniac insane.
Last night as I went to the pub
for a pint, or maybe some grub
But stood at the bar
Was my own avatar
Who'd escaped from the Second Life hub. Anyone else here active on Second Life?
I've just written a lovely new tune
A duet for steel drum and bassoon
Its tinny low drone
Like an orgasmic groan
Sounds so sweet on a warm night in June. Apparently not, then.
I stood on my own in the dark
Aghast, in Van Cortlandt Park
With my money all gone
In the Bronx, all forlorn
I felt a bit of a nark
Don't look at the sun through binocs
Or sail over Niag. in a box
If thrills you must seek
Just pretend you are Greek
And try changing fonts in a .docx
[Raak] I spent a few months playing with Second Life a few years back. I found it interesting but also somewhat baffling. I think I never figured out whether to be me, or whether I should be creating some new persona. Maybe I should take a look back in there again sometime.
[CdM] It's said that introverts tend to make avatars that are copies of themselves, while extroverts make avatars completely unlike themselves. My first av was basically a copy of me, although it's evolved away from that (for one thing, it's female now), and my second I started with something random and have been tweaking it ever since. I'm still the same person behind the keyboard though -- I find it impossible to put on a different manner with a different avatar.
My avatar's manic and loud
It wants to stand out in the crowd
To advertise me
And accept a small fee
And for this I am not at all proud.
There once was a wonderful kisser
(It's no wonder so many miss her.)
Her lips she did pucker
Like a giant squid's sucker
But sadly she's pulling your pisser The one with the belt missing, thanks
My trenchcoat is missing its belt
I found out just now when I felt u.s.a.
The breeze quite so cold
It made certain things BOLD
So i hurried back home at full pelt...
I know where I am - I am lost!
And really don't need to be bossed!
So shuddupa ya face
Just get on the case
And tell me which oceans I've crossed?
Relying on GPS
I think there's a missing 'my' in that line. On that assumption:
Is a sure route to anguish and stress
It's well-known to deceive
Or at least I believe
'Cos I wanted Bough Beech; got Loch Ness.
A certain young kangaroo
To an emu said, "How do you do?"
The emu replied
"Good! You Bonnie, me Clyde"
"Let us rob this here old boring zooo!"
There once was a golden-brown beer
That brought many pub crawlers good cheer
but at Earls Court
Always asked for "Red Port"
And was rightly chucked out on 'is ear.
Myself, I prefer a nice pinot
Or a cool Andalucian fino
But if push comes to shove
I've an illicit love
For pretty much any cheap vino.
Ha - v neat!
What Mr or Ms Bystander just said. That was excellent.

Life is too short for bad wine
Though having said that I'll opine [c,S,C,I,P] Stellar!
That even the worst
Will extinguish your thirst ...ugh...
And too much will rend you supine
I lie on my back and I think
Oh why did I have that last drink?
As my gut starts to churn
And my face starts to gurn
I quickly head for the sink
The porcelain throne I now face
Which my arsehole's about to deface One for you, Phil.
Both ends will soon spew
My message to you
While myself, I disgrace.
A topic of general bad taste
Is likely to get you maced
A sense of decorum
In this here forum
Behave - or forever be chased ...
I just splashed out on some new bedding
Where my bride will lay after our wedding
I hope she likes neon
'Cos it must be an aeon (irach) Is lay transitive? If so, who is the layee? The bridgegroom, presumably. If intransitive is she a chicken, great in egg? Did you mean lie?.
And put her in the mood for clothes shedding.
[Rosie]lay (lâ) transitive verb , (Slang) to have sexual intercourse with. ("Layee" works both ways, it's not just the groom's prerogative - ever heard of "woman on top", or do you think just "missionary"?
As I climbed to the top of the tower
I saw just out of reach, a small flower
With petals petite
And aroma so sweet,
Tried to pick it and fell for an hour.... (crash-boom-bang)
There are ways that are good and there's bad
Ways to explain to your dad
That you've just seen your Mum (irach) All blather. You meant lie, just as the woman next door meant when I used to hear her bellowing at her baby to "lay down!" "Pass him the bottles, then", I mutter. In any case, one doesn't lay; one gets laid.
oh dear, the possiblities. but i resist... With that idiot from
(cfm) "From" doesn't rhyme with "Mum". Are you some typically dimwitted fucking Yank or something?

[irach] The Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage (which is the only truly worthwhile reference on style I have ever come across) observes that, in spoken English, "...there is the simple longevity of intransitive lay, almost 700 years of continuous use." It concludes its entry as follows (emphasis mine):
"Notwithstanding the belief of some that social judgments can be solidly based on language use, the lay-lie shibboleth may be changing its status. For instance, several commentators, such as Evans 1957, Follett 1966, and Flesch 1983, are perfectly willing to give the distinction up; Bolinger 1980 thinks it is already a lost cause not worth defending; Copperud 1970, 1980 judges the consensus of his experts that at least some uses of lay for lie are verging on standard; Flesch even goes so far as to recommend using lay for lie if it comes naturally to you.

"If lay "lie" is on the rise socially, however, it is likely to be a slow rise, as indignant letters to the editor attest. Bolinger observes sensibly that if you have invested some effort in learning the distinction, you will not want to admit that you have wasted your time. ... So what should you do? The best advice seems to be Bolinger's:
"Many people use lay for lie, but certain others will judge you uncultured if you do. Decide for yourself what is best for you."


[Rosie] Dear oh dear oh dear. You really need to get out more, see the world. There are many more ways of speaking English than you encounter in your particular little corner of suburbia.
"From" barely rhyme "Mum": http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=mum&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l&org3=y
Rosie vs the rest: 0 - 2
Interestingly the 'lay/lie' issue is addressed by Geoffrey Pullum today in Language Log and he sticks to the (in)transitive distinction more than Merriam-Webster does. I think there may be a bit of transatlantic variation here on the levels of acceptability. I also wouldn't rhyme 'mum' and 'from' any more than 'mom' and 'crumb', though I wouldn't call someone out on it.
This is all just the result of a typing error. I'm sure that cfm simply omitted to type the word "Brum" at the end of his line in his line before posting.
The Pru [he's a bit of a cad]. Now stop being a silly, Rosie. You're worth more than this pettyfogging quibblesome nonsense. And I do believe that's the very first time I have used the word pettyfogging - - - :^)
If you make me an offer I might
Do something to you to delight
For sufficient incentive
I can be quite inventive
And promise to play - not to fight!
Would you like to come over and play?
I've fun toys here--what do you say?
There's Tigger and Roo
And don't forget Pooh!
But forget Andy Pandy - he's gay
Should we play today out in the street? [p,c,i,g,s] applause
Smash a shop, bash a cop on his beat!
We can burn with impunity
Destroy our community
—Ah, look at those kids. Ain't they sweet?
well done
If you wake in the middle of the night
With an feeling that something's not right
Grab your old cricket bat
And put on a hard hat
Will this you laid? Well - it might.
Let there be no doubt at all about the meaning of 'laid'
If an egg can get laid in the morning
It may do so without any warning.
The poor shell-shocked hen
Gets caught short in its pen
And the cock shake his tail and start mourning ...
The chick or the egg - what came first?
The Eggs! From their shells chicks do burst!
But who laid the eggs?
Is the question this begs
Damn it! Let them be cursed and recursed!
There were eggs before chicks had evolved
The issue, I think, is resolved
Now, scrambled or fried?
I can never decide
And what's more - will not get involved
Fry me some eggs in sweet butter
While I practise long strokes with my putter
Bring me baked beans [Tuj] That was a truly excellent line.
While I put on my jeans
Do I sound like a farty golf nutter?
If planted, this seed will produce ... Enough with the egg thing!
A berry beloved by moose
If you climb up the tree
You're certain to see
Bullwinkle up there, on the loose
[irach} *smiles*
When the road has become kind of Rocky
Take advice from an amateur jockey
Keep your bum in the air
Cling on tight to your mare
Or you'll throw up your pre-race lunch gnocchi
In Siberia, gnocchi are served
In a manner that leaves me unnerved
'Cos pasta on tundra
Will make me a chund'rer
And that is just what I've deserved...
This night I woke up in a dream
And said "Things are not quite as they seem"
I can't cross the oceans
And control bowel motions
But I'll just check the sheets - hope they're clean
This morning light promises much
A day full of happiness, such... unfini
as olives! And kisses!
And best wedding wishes!
For Pen and her dear old Dutch
(oblig)
Aaaaah - hope they like olives ...
I remember, on my honeymoon
I was caught in an Indian monsoon
To shelter from harm
We found an old barn
Which was cheaper than renting a room
A cheapskate I'll always be
The check's never handed to me
I don't pay my share
Which you may think unfair
But why pay when you get it for free? oblig.
Buy one and you'll get one free!
If two's not enough, then take three!
Buy three, the fourth's yours
Plus a fifth one, of course
And here, have the sixth one on me
"Discount? What's that?" said the vendor
I've a way of seducing the spender
Without special offers
I'll empty your coffers
Like Sanjay Kapoor from Eastenders
And I don't even watch soaps, honest
[Botherer] would've been even better if last 2 words had been 'the Eastender' Good to see you btw :)
[Chalky] Good call! And thanks, good to be back! So on that note:
The problem I have with the soaps
Is the plot-makers clearly are dopes
They think that disaster
Piled higher and faster
Is better than most TV tropes
In early Pre-Christian Rome
A scribe penned a lengthy old tome
Its mysterious pages   (How can you pen an old tome? If you're penning it, it's brand new.)
Took him ages and ages
[Raak] I wondered about that myself (from a print media perspective) but perhaps
Cos he carved them in wood with a comb.

I'm building an old ruined abbey
Coz I'm old and infirm and quite scabby - I realise, of course, that my contribution is not in the best possible taste. Just shoot me now.
Each brick I place crumbles
The Lord above grumbles [Raak] Outstanding "subliminal" message
As His Kingdom on Earth looks so flabby
When people say "ends of the earth"
I wonder what they have "learth."
We must all reconsider our lines [cfm, KS] Maybe you should also reconsider your lines?
Lest the Limerick Police impose fines
Bad rhythm and scansion
And metric expansion Nothing remotely wrong with cfm's opener there.
Will soon provoke grumbles and whines
(Indeed: cfm's line fitted all the scansion requirements for a limerick)

When people say "ends of the earth"
They seldom mean further than Perth
But "back of beyond"
Or "over the pond"
Is never a place of great worth


There's no call nowadays for a sword
A wigwam, an easel, or fjord
Or for correction fluid
Unless you're a druid unfini
Who wants to erase a bad word.
I learned some bad words in my youth
Some obscene, others merely uncouth
One I think starts with F...?
So thank goodness I'm deaf
Or I might hear you F... Connie Booth
Reverend Spooner's speech is quite scary
To anyone quite ordinary
With consonants mangled
And vow'ls intertwangled
Ones point boon succumbs cite quantrary
[Chalky] Excellent ending. :-)
Today be piratically themed
For those who are easily memed [Chalky] Not "kite quantrary"?
Arr, me timbers do shiver
As we pass Yellow River
And anywhere else we have dreamed.
While swimming the Channel one day
I discovered I'd quite lost my way
A compass malfunction
Made me head for the junction
Outside Dover - to Chesapeake Bay...
The Brollys of ancient Cherbourg
Are lined up outside of the morgue
Les petits parapluies
Shield from raining ratatouille
The folks from Frogfunerals.org
Here's what you must do if I croak
Pierce my heart with a stake made of oak
For I am the undead
So you know what? Instead ...
Kill that strange looking werewolf bloke
Whenever I'm guessing I'm wrong
I'll simply break out into song
'Shaddapya Face' would suit my work situation right now
Rings around the workplace
But it's not by Olivia Ong.
Michelle Kwan was skating one day
When a bollard just got in her way
Alas, no triple lutz
For this ice-skating klutz
Hit the buffers, the skids and the hay.
American mothers opine
That plying their babies with wine
Will prevent ADD
But reduce ABC
And certainly make 'em quit cryin'.
When in Rome you should do as the Romans
And scrutinise entrails for omens
A goat's bloody gut
Or a eunuch's old nut
Then make a display - like a showman's
I once met a werewolf from Kent
Who helped me to put up a tent
This kind loup-garoux
Then cooked up a stew
With no meat because it was Lent
I just heard about a new diet
Put some tape 'cross your lips and keep quiet
And if/when you faint
Do show some restraint
When the urge to eat comes, then defy it.
The sticks and the stones aren't worth throwing
Except for the ones that are glowing
So instead I throw peaches
At piranhas and leeches
And cocks that are spitefully crowing
There's nowt like a good cup of char
It beats beer, wine, and coffee by far
And if the brew is Earl Grey
I would have to say
Spot on - award a gold star
A lass with huge melons, I spied
Piss-poor, Kagome. Please expunge your adolescent limerick fantasies elsewhere.
Here's the tale of a limerick prude
Who crudeness in rhyming eschewed
Bad fruit euphemisms
Resulted in schisms
And an effort to veto the lewd
Let's remember the Gunpowder Plot
Which failed; it was Fawked up a lot
Which is why every year
We all stand and cheer
While burning the Guy - what a twot
My mummy has fled from its tomb
Preferring a more deluxe room
It seems its abode
Was home to a toad
Which was held as a portent of doom
My mummy has fled from my dad
For he's a despicable cad
She's filed for divorce
And will join the Dark Force
So all things considered, I'm glad.
My mummy runs pyramid schemes
That claim to fulfil all your dreams
She's recruited her exes
Bought herself a black Lexus
And works hard to drown out the screams.
My mummy is screaming a lot
About the complaints she has got  usa
A wicked contusion
Demented confusion,
Hidden textignoring CdM's 'usa', and assuming commas at the end of lines 2 and 3, for the sake of getting this one completed
And a copious river of snot. Er, sorry - got a code id be doze.
A teenage mother from Brent
Had a neat way of paying the rent
When the landlord would knock
She put coins in a sock
With malodorif'rous intent.
There once was a man who came back [Rosie] Welcome back, hope you had a nice vacation...
To his lone little weatherboard shack
To find that inside
A donkey had died
Which his mastiff had used as a snack
There once was a fellow from Chiswick (Marc) Anything's better than this place. :-)
Who fell ill with a bout of the phthisic
Day and night he was coughing
Though he swore it was nouthing SWIDT? HYDM.
Cause of death? He was too solipsistic.
A toothless old hag in Llanelli
Brewed a strong cup of char that was deathly
Which she gave to the vicar
Who much preferred liquor
And ran his own still called "Y Felli".
The fellows who dig up the road (Raak) People have been keel-hauled for lesser crimes, of course, but there was little you could do.
Hidden text I have only ever known two, maybe three, English people who can make this sound properly, and one had lived in Wales for a short time, showing it to be a question of hearing it because it's not fundamentally difficult.
(Phil) Stout fellow.
Have a secret and unwritten code [Rosie] I wondered what you'd make of that!
"Monday morning at eight-"
"Number 10, by the gate"
Bring biscuits and plenty of woad
My friend the guitarist told me
That every time he plays barred G (taking the stress to be on the middle syllable of guitarist, though there is another way of reading the line that also works)
He gets cramp in his wrist
And curses Franz Liszt
Which seems a bit pointless, to me.
I've realised something profound [Rosie, Raak] There was a limerick on one of these sites long ago where I rhymed Llanelli with "pallor most "delli". 'Course, in that case, the rhyme was perfect, but was only an approximation to the pronunciation of the English word -- a subtle difference from Raak's case. I'm half Welsh, so I can pronounce Llanelli half decently.
Which, I believe, will astound
A single red rose
And a line writ in prose
Will get her to bed in a bound
[C,S,J,M,i] Jolly good - I like a bit of optimism

The problem with getting new teeth
Is the old ones are hard to bequeath
But plant them outside
And treat them with pride
And spread loads of enamel beneath...
To grow a whole garden of molars
One must pot them in inverted bowlers
So all of you misers
And dull early risers
Get digging and make some violas. (Herr B) Sorry, couldn't resist it.
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