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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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... and to finish off our list of acknowledgement of those who make your charter flight possible, our thanks go to Michelin for providing our tyres. Enjoy the grand prix, ladies and gentlemen.
With a bit of luck we will be landing at Tullamarine in around 17 minutes from now.
Inshallah, we shall shortly be landing at.... (That's genuine, at least on PIA)
We have just been informed that there is a suicide bomber on board, so to protect people on the ground we will shortly be diverting into the side of a mountain. Fear not, for God will know his own.
Ladies and Gentleman in the First Class Cabin. We regret to announce that, due to an error by our ground catering staff, we failed to load our stocks of the Dom Perignon 1996, and will instead be forced to serve the 1995 vintage.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until we're at the gate. And welcome to Indianapolis... Oops! Was this supposed to be the flight to Chicago?
Arr! This be Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be! Now landlubbers, see ye watch the cabin boys as they show ye the safety drill, case we be shipwrecked! Arr!
And now a request from Dave and Renee, who are celebrating their fortieth anniversary today. Shortly I'll play "Save Your Love", but first... all together now... For they are jolly good fellows...
Ladies and gentlemen, contrary to what it says in your inflight magazine, you won't be able to have your palm and tarot read or your horoscope calcuated by our normal onboard seer. Unfortunately, she decided not to come on the flight today.
Welcome aboard flight SOS13 on Macbeth Airlines, we'll be cruising at an altitude of approximately 13,013 feet and our journey will take us safely under the famous "ladder" cloud formation just north of Bermuda. We're afraid there's no salt left on board as it was all spilt on takeoff when we swerved to avoid that black cat on the runway. Shortly our cabin crew will begin demonstrating our new range of Macbeth Airlines souvenirs, including our ever popular umbrellas. I'm flight commander James "Lucky" McDeath, wishing you a pleasant and comfortable flight. [Projoy] That's gooood :)
The bad news is we've almost run out of jet fuel. The good news is that our pilot Captain Mahoney started out his career by flying test gliders for the RAF.
"This is your captain speaking. Are you prepared for an event one does not witness everyday ladies and gentlemen? If you would each maueuver so you can look sharply out the windows to the west there can shortly be seen a trio of airforce jet fighters scrambling to greet us."
Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to welcome you aboard our non-stop flight to Los Angeles. Our flying time tonight is scheduled to be 13 hours and 26 minutes. And I would like to extend a special welcome to all of those families traveling to the Third Annual Chronic Infant Colic and Earache Convention...
We are about to return to terra firma: Drinks are now complementary and, please, feel free to have your last cigarette.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Air Marshall speaking. You may remain at ease, there is no cause for alarm, this announcement is directed at the attractive lady in the aisle seat of row 57. Ma'am, could you kindly take yourself out of harms way by quickly exiting your seat and sprawling in the aisle? It is imperative I get a clean head shot at the international terrorist seated directly behind you."
Next!

Worst idea for a TV programme

You've Been Sued! Jeremy Beadle fakes injury at the hands of a member of the public, and brings legal action. Follow the hilarious chase through the courts! See the victim's mental breakdown as the lawyers eat up his life savings! Will he win before the money runs out?

Why Bother: Those contestants from You've Been Sued! who didn't make it through the series. That is, they are broke and bonkers. All failed idiots to be placed in a confined space for as long as it takes for one of them to be, literally, the 'last man standing'. The prize is a lifetime of care (to be provided by the show's sponsor, the NHS).

Waking with Sinus Sores - an indepth, endoscopic look at infections of the nose.
Suburb! This week Kirsty Young shows off her teeth and tits in some of the nicer parts of Basingstoke. Next week - The thrills of Didsbury.
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