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Slap My Jammy Badger! 2004
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Yes, it's time for another game of Slap My Jammy Badger! Release your four highly trained badgers into the London Underground and then attempt to get to Mornington Crescent using standard moves and by picking up vital bonus points from slapping the other player's badgers. Identify the badger by tasting its jam! Please note that nadgering a badger is still disallowed. Fnweek!
Right let's start at Northwood Hills. Ok, Kate, Rachel, Nigella and Maude - get running! *releases pre-jammed badgers*
*Releases four highly trained Confiture (TM) stealthbadgers at strategic points:* Waterloo, Covent Garden, Park Royal and Dagenham East. Declaring sett at Borough. Burrow, geddit??
Sends badgers out, fully armed, in standard 2x2 formation to Redbridge and Chalk Farm
Turnpike Lane - Hmmm, no badgers here. But a blue token should allow me to purchase a nice badger net.
going for the subtle approach
*Sends Doe Nut, her chief sniffer badger, to Kings Cross St Pancras for a swift recce* Slowly slowly catchee badger
Badgers released at Russell Square, Aldgate, Stepney Green and Tower Hill, daubed in the finest raspberry jam. I'll sett up at Goodge Street.
From the west at Paddington letting lose Morgan, Geraint, Blodwyn and Megan with a hint of lemon curd just behind the ears, there's lovely.
I'm fresh out of badgers so I'll release a gopher with some chocolate syrup and watch the proceedings from a safe distance.
More fool you, Will :-)
Part 2 sees the release of 2nd string badger - Eeee Clare into the morass that parades as Green Park. Worry not - we know what we are doing, oh yes indeeedio ...
Alan, Craig, Gary and Jonathan are all out of jam but do manage to pick up a couple of jars of marmalade. Using the rather unorthodox 2-1-1 formation, they head for Morden. They set up camp, cleverly disguising themselves as discarded copies of the Evening Standard, and wait until morning (because the tube's are on strike today).
Under cover of the strike I unleash 4 damson-jammed badgers into various parks where they start digging, to emerge, who knows where. I sit back at Sloane Square and await developments.
Carefully, I release my four badgers, liberally armed with numerous pots of apricot preserve, loose from their four TARDIS-shaped cages. Troughton leads Pertwee, Hartnell and Baker towards Covent Garden. Good job the electricity is off...
*attempts to sabotage the game with four thinly-disguised paté-smothered crashpenguins released into key central locations at Leicester Square, Green Park, Knightsbridge and Piccadilly Circus.
*spots a badger disappearing into the gloom at Barbican. Gives chase.
Slap at Northwick Park! Oh no, it's one pen's crashpenguins. i feel dirty
*using an oversized remote control unit with forty or so levers, manoeuvres crashpenguins and stealthbadgers to occupy all major intersections, viz: Liverpool Street, Bank, Hammersmith, Acton Town, Stratford, Baker Street, Notting Hill Gate and Embankment, cutting most diagonals (apart from those that don't matter) and reducing LV to 0.3 across Zones 1 to 5 in all four quadrants.*
*as an afterthought, smears marshmallow and peanut butter onto the live rail at Oxford Circus to tempt Will's chocolate-syruped gopher and gives an evil laugh*
*Employs team of Ninja Hampsters to clean up after penelope's crashpenguins at Bank* Aha! What do we have here . . . SLAP! . . . Lick . . . Hmmm! chocolate and David Beckham flavour, I wonder who that belongs to. *Notes result on scoresheet*
Forewarned of the ambush ahead, Alan, Craig, Gary and Jonathan change at Stockwell and switch to the Victoria line.
Too late! A crashpenguin boards the tube at Pimlico . Jonathan uses his bread buttering skills to hold the penguin off until Victoria . "Fly, you fools!" he cries as the other three escape, leaving Jonathan to face a sticky end. It is all over by Green Park and Jonathan is no more.
Staring at White City whilst my genetically-engineered and anime-enhanced marmalade badgers - Setsuna, Lina, Kamui and Robin - zoom off to raid some gardens, namely Covent, Island, Kew and Ruislip Gardens.
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