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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
One in ten men do. Though not for the same reason as the other nine.
Bad News
You need these men to help propagate the new elite.
Bad News
But you're not.
Good News
Tony Blair has survived the rducation vote. Err, something wrong here? Ed.
Bad News
Tony Blair has survived the (e)ducation(?) vote.
Good news
The BBC is now creating its own news and cutting out the middle man.
Bad News
The middle man is cutting himself up
Good News
He's delicious with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Bad News
Unfortunately all you have is a bottle of meths.
Good News
Luckily, your murder rap for cutting out the middle man has been reduced to manslaughter.
Bad News
He was the brother of the Osama bin Laden.
Good News
You are Osama bin Laden.
Bad News
The entire free world are after you.
Good News
Isn't it grand to be so popular?!
Bad News
You're stuck in an 8ft snow drift
Good News
It gives you an excuse for mixing the order up!
Bad News
Not when it's your first day as a waiter at the Cannibals' Bistro, where customers are guaranteed "recompense" for bad service.
Good News
Being a leper, it's the only job you can get. You're so delighted to have it, you're giving away tips. COAT!
Bad news
You get sacked for some misdemeanour in the broom cupboard, you try to appeal but realise you haven't got a leg to stand on. [ penelope, please get my coat while your at it ]
Good News
The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
Bad News
The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
Good News
This isn't the same as McDonalds, the fast food retailer.
Bad News
...which means it gets burned down in a midnight raid by Clan Campbell, the hereditary enemies of Clan MacDonald ever since the days of the Glencoe Massacre.
Good News
Barbecue!
Bad News
You're not quite sure exactly what it is/was that you're barbecuing.
Good News
A fresh supply of veggie burgers have arrived.
bad news
Morrissey complains that these veggie burgers aren't fit for liberated lab mice
Good news
They are good enough for the vegetarians
Bad News
They consist mostly of beans, and the side-effects are horrendous.
Good News
I have patented a method of collecting flatulence.
Bad News
The follow through research leaves you in a sticky mess
Good News
If you're a vegetarian, it makes good fertiliser.
Bad News
The only plants that thrive on your human vegetarian ordure are the GM ones.
Good News
They make excellent conversationalists
Bad News
...but only in Cantonese
Good News
That means it's a great time to start learning a new language.
Bad News
The EU have declared that all EU residents must learn French.
Good News
Our food thus becomes much better.
Bad News
But our toilets will get worse.
Good News
We don't care, as we are all too busy making lurve and quoting poetry.
Bad News
... to ugly, hairy people who cannot speak properly.
Good News
I'm only two out of the above three.
Bad News
You're a mute.
Good News
No need to learn French, then.
Bad News
You get extra garlic rations to make up for it.
Good News
You're off to Transylvania next week, so the extra garlic will come in handy.
Bad News
Customs take it from you before entering the country.
Good News
They don't let you enter the country at all.
Bad News
They deport you to Afghanistan.
Good News
They let you go into Pakistan, where the locals are impressed by your cricketing expertise.
Bad News
You realise that cricket is the most tedious activity in the world, and face a hideous death from boredom.
Good News
You turn to meditation to escape boredom and find God (underneath a small rock). God tells you to start a new religion.
Bad News
You're still in Pakistan, and the locals are unimpressed by your choice of religion.
Good News
You soon talk them round to your way of thinking.
Bad News
Unfortunately, religion is not about thinking.
Good News
But all the atheists are to busy not thinking to notice anyway.
Bad News
They're too busy talking on their mobiles while driving (or not) on the M25/Parkway East/[insert your local static motorway here].
Good News
You call on God to smite all mobile phone users with ear-boils. He does! Your religion obtains 100 million new converts.
Bad News
They have all just been smitten ie they are dead.
Good News
They're actually all smitten with you. You're popular again!
Bad News
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
Good News
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
Bad News
Not for you
Good News
You persuade your most faithful acolyte to take your place disguised as you, and sneak off to live in quiet obscurity in another country.
Bad News
Who wants to be quiet and obscure?
Good News
YOU DO ! And you achieve it, living in a beautiful house designed by Le Corbusier in the midst of the French Alps.
Bad News
There is an avelanche and your house is swept into oblivion together with your collection of Picasso and Salvador Dali paintings.
Good News
Your surreal world is gone. You can return to sanity.
Bad News
There ain't no Sanity Clause* in your contract.
*credit Mr. Marx
Good News
Your contract is as a strictly non-playing footballer. However you still full wages of £millions a week!
Bad News
Your club is going to have start laying you all off to avoid going into administration.
Good News
You still make a personal fortune in advertising revenue.
Bad News
It's in Parmalat, and you're paid in stock options.
Good News
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
Bad News
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
News (Good)
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
Bad News
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
Good News
You sell your story for a lot of money
Bad News
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
Good News
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
Bad News
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
Good News
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
Bad News
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
Good News
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
Bad News
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
Good News
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
Bad News
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
Good News
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
Bad News
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
Good News
Red is the new white.
Bad News
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
Good News
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
Bad News
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
Good News
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
Bad News
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
Good News
Your bad taste brings you fame and fortune in the great fashion magazines of the world!
Bad News
Because of that, everyone thinks that you are Victoria Beckham.
Good News
ITV want you in there next Celebrity reality show.
Bad News
You've agreed to do it
Good News
It could be fatal
Bad News
As you are still invisible, no one can see you to vote you out. You are trapped in a jungle with 2 Ant/Decs forever!
Good News
The two Ant's take a shine to you and smuggle in six pack of beer.
Bad News
Low alcohol beer
Good News
It is Belgian, so "Low Alcohol" actually means 5.5%
Bad News
I can't think of any possible reason why the last entry could be in any way, shape or form, bad news.
Good News
I can
Bad News
The next post will takeus back to the tenuously constructed story.
Good News
The sheer tenuousness of the story means that we've forgotten it, and we can now place ourselves wherever we like - say, as president of the United States.
Bad News
If so, you'll have your arse licked by Tony Blair.
Good News
Of the 640 coalition deaths in Iraq only 545 are Americans.
Bad News
95 of them weren't
Good News
The 95 that weren't were *caused* by Americans
Bad News
That *was* the Bad News
Good News
'Good News' and 'Bad News' are now indistinguishable, meaning that newsreaders need no longer practise 'good news' and 'bad news' facial expressions and the ban on botox treatments and collagen lip-implants for newsreaders is lifted.
Bad News
Everything that newsreaders say is still utter guff.
Good News
To gain more viewers the news is to be made more entertaining.
Bad News
Regrettably there turns out to be a greater number of wars than rescued kittens.
Good news
A lot of the kittens rescued are from war torn areas!
Bad News
Those kittens are all cleverly disguised bombs
Good News
Kittens can be deployed in 45 minutes and are considered as WMD. (They are in my house anyway).
Bad News
Hans Blix can't find his kitten.
Good News
But the rumour is that he has a Tiger in his tank (pun intended!)
Bad News
It's a real tiger
Good News
But it's tanked on watermelon-flavoured alco-pops, and can only manage a rumbling 'hic-purrrrrrrrr-hic-purrrrrrrr' as it staggers about.
Bad News
This is no good for running Hans' car.
Good News
It is listed as a driver on his insurance
Bad News
He'll probably be losing his no claims bonus.
Good News
No one has ever stopped his tank to ask for proof of insurance
Bad News
Parked on double yellow lines its just been clamped.
Good News
He's reached the age when it's good to take things a little slowly.
Bad News
He's chosen not to
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