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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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(I like doing it this way!)*changing the subject* The new Lord of the Rings movie is out!
Bad news
The film buffs have already found 33 mistakes in it, and those aren't the ones related to the book!
Good News
Most people didn't notice and had a thoroughly enjoyable time watching an exciting movie.
Bad News
We'll all have to hear over and over again how much it draws from box-office receipts.
Good News
If it draws enough, Peter Jackson will get to film The Hobbit.
Bad News
Michael Jackson already has. Allegedly.
Good News
Michael Jackson has a lot of 'Allegedlys' pending right now. Maybe one or two of them will stick and we won't be subjected to any more of his t*ss.
Bad News
Not until after his UK visit though.
Good News
He couldn't do anything questionable on Christmas....
Bad News
In the US legal system, you can get aay with murger if you are rich and prominent enough, as it seems.
Good News
"Murger" is the offence of owning a horse and carriage while having less than three barrels of tobacco to one's name.
Bad News
Three barrely of tobacco are unaffordable - unless you buy them in France.
Good News
I don't smoke.
Bad News
At least I didn't until I caught my sleeve in a passing campfire
Good News
Fortunately the Fire brigade were quick in their response.
Bad News
The Imperial Leather adverts don't work in real life.
good news
There are plenty more soaps on the TV.
Bad News
But they don't work either - or if they do, you'll end up with an unsightly rash.
Good news
Sudocrem is good for rashes and babies!
Bad News
Its not a good substitute for whipped cream.
Good News
Nothing like a good whipping.
Bad News
They eat whippets in Korea.
Good News
Whippets are down due to a new, non-high-forming gas they're putting in the cream containers.
Bad News
If you re arrange the letters in Korea you get an orange drink that brings me out in boils!
Good News
At least they're better than the bubos I had last week
Bad News
If you rearrange the letters in Korea their tyrannical Post Office will have you summarily executed.
Good News
That's only in North Korea. In South Korea they will read out the entire text.
Bad news
Without a translation!
Good News
Only Koreans have to be present.
Bad News
Everyone else misses out on the inevitable hilarity which ensues.
Good News
Thus deprived I consoled myself with a Chic Corea CD. What a pianist!
Bad News
I'm tone deaf (but I do like the cover)
Good News
At least I can look intellectual
Bad News
But only in the dark!
Good News
You could thus make friends with Michael Howard, according to la Widdecombe.
Bad News
You would then be in the bad books of Miss Widdecombe.
Good News
It's better than being in her little black book.
Bad News
I hear her little black box is now blonde too
[momus] ohhh yuk!
Good News
momus to dry clean his mind
Bad News
Dry-cleaning solvents have marked anaesthetic properties.
Good News
An open gateway into self dentistry and the pulling of ones own teeth
Bad News
They haven't found a way to wake you up again
Good News
They have found a way of waking you up again, by dangling you, in an infantile manner, over a crocadile
Bad News
You can hear an ominous ticking from this crocodile.
Good News
Maybe it's just a harmless clockodile.
Bad News
Yeah, but that's brown trousers time if you're a pirate.
Good News
That's more than offset by the fact that you get to say things like "Arrrr! Splice the mizzen! Avast behind! Arrrrr!" etc.
Bad News
But only once a year.
Good News
At Chrismas time, on a big stage, with lots of B status type celebs, from crap soaps and you get paid to do it!!!
Bad News
There are numerous category D type celebs present too, including Ainsley Harriot (to whom you owe a sexual favour), plus you are getting paid in pigs trotters, which are no longer legal tender in your tent.
Good News
At least you don't owe sexual favours to Anthony Worrel Thompson or Keith Floyd
Bad News
But unfortunately they owe you.
Good News
Their `debt' can be exchanged for points, and what do points mean?
Bad News
The loss of my driving licence.....sigh!!
Good News
You ghe chance to get lots of healthy walking exercise, during which you can reflect edifyingly on the transgressions which led you to this sorry pass.
Bad News
As you stumlbe across the sodden Heath you realise that these boots weren't made for walking.
Good News
But the reinforced steel stillettos are perfect for collecting paper and trash, thus performing a good deed for the environment.
Bad News
A heel's just come off.
Good News
You won't get back pain in later life from walking in flat shoes.
Bad News
You'll get it anyway, to judge from my contemporaries.
Good News
You'll have a good excuse to lie down a lot and have things done for you.
Bad News
You don't really get to choose who you get.
Good News
Martin Shaw is one of the volunteers
Bad News
I asked, but got Sandie Shaw.
Good News
At least you didn't get Harold Shipman.
Bad News
you have an unexplicable desire to write to all his victims families , to try and undo all the bad that's been done, in a rather clumsy and invasive manner.
Good News
Your computer crashes just before you print off all the letters, you realise you cant be bothered typing it all out again, so give up on the idea.
Bad News
You've been using M$ Word, so the AutoRecovery Wizard kicks in and brings the text back onto your screen.
Good News
The AutoRecovery text looks like this:- $%hTg "_Fu^k228697 /E 100172 /N 2 /T 227739 >> endobj :-(
Bad News
You see a message from God in it.
Good News
It doesn't contradict the message you heard from Satan whilst playing your Smiths LP's backwards.
Bad News
However it does instruct you to go forth and seek a trade promoting yoghurt.
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