...,...

..the Hunchback of Notre Dame, naturally, with my looks I was chosen for the lead role. I can remember the look on the make-up artists face when she came into my dressing room. Then she doubled up with laughter and ran hysterically out into the set falling flat on her face among the gargoyles and bells. The producer took exception to that incident and replaced me with Jimmy Krankie, but he did offer me the part of the rat in the sewer. Moving on..

I waited at the bus stop for hours in the pouring rain. I was just about to start the long walk home when...........

...a sleek, black limousine pulled up. The window slid down noislessly and the face within was that of...

...the Turin Shroud, which gave me a turn, I can tell you! I was about to...

..move on when I realized that in fact the face was that of David Blunkett. That gave me even more of a turn and I was about to leg it when a door opened and....

...a long, hairy arm was extended. As I watched in horror, it grabbed my...

bag of plums. I wouldn't have cared much but for the fact that...

...the bag also contained a pound of Semtex. I was planning to use it for...

..re-designing my rockery back at home. Have you ever considered gardening as a hobby? It is a really...

..good way of annoying the neighbours in the flat downstairs. Next to the water feature I have just planted...

...some Semtex, as a test before doing the rockery. I've also...

...constructed a machine gun emplacement beneath the boughs of my damson tree. It's a highly useful feature to have since...

..the aliens keep treading on my Sweet williams and making a total mess of my....

..simulation of the World War I trenches from Flanders. I like poppies, don't you? The look so lively and bright with their pretty red faces bobbing above the..

...horrifically mangled corpses of young men. Fine, strong young men, called to do their duty. Fine gardeners all! But no good as bomb disposal experts. Oh well! That reminds me, one of them was called Jimmy and his last words to me were...

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH...

...which is odd since those were also his first words to me. I knew him in school you see and he was always complaining, especially about...

..Miss Farquar-Harrington, the geography teacher, she always used to lean over our shoulders to explain something but we could never hear a thing as her ample bosom used to muffle our ears. She also used to have terrible BO which she tried to disguise with cheap perfume from Woolworth which used to smell of aniseed. I think it was called...

...Shmoo or somthing like that! The other thing about Miss Farquar-Harrington that springs to mind was her amazing quiff of black greasy hair. It was thought that she got the idea for it from....

a magazine article about cooking the Vegan way, which was...