...,...

..the Hunchback of Notre Dame, naturally, with my looks I was chosen for the lead role. I can remember the look on the make-up artists face when she came into my dressing room. Then she doubled up with laughter and ran hysterically out into the set falling flat on her face among the gargoyles and bells. The producer took exception to that incident and replaced me with Jimmy Krankie, but he did offer me the part of the rat in the sewer. Moving on..

I waited at the bus stop for hours in the pouring rain. I was just about to start the long walk home when...........

...a sleek, black limousine pulled up. The window slid down noislessly and the face within was that of...

...the Turin Shroud, which gave me a turn, I can tell you! I was about to...