I am the very model of a modern major general. Naturally I was surprised, after all it's not that often that Gilbert an Sullivan gets performed by the cast of 'Grease'! They started us on the slippery slope so..........

....before long we were 'holding ourselves like this and that' until the landlord's wife came home and rang the police. They came in stealing upon us with catlike tread, either that or we were too off our faces to notice them. Either way, I soon found myself back inside, but luckily this time...

I had a cell all to myself, which meant I could sit and play with my......

...Palm Pilot. In checking my calendar I discovered to my horror that I'd missed the annual office Christmas party. But maybe it was for the best. It usually winds up being...

a large wicked beast that on closer inspection is found to be impartialy formed in such a way that each side is both the same only seperatly different together apart from each other so that......

.....it is impossible to tell whether it is coming or going. Such was the shock at the appearance of the beast that I barely had time to get out my cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when....

...Dr Who's Tardis materialised in one corner of the cell. Out stepped the Director General of the BBC, dressed as the White Guardian (long cloak and silly hat)and he said "Mrs Trellis, you have been chosen to...

...be the new Doctor!" Well, I was flabbergasted, I can tell you! Me and Mr Trellis (may he rest in peace) met at a Dr Who convention, you know, and it has always been a dream of mine to...

...say that I too have reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. Well, wasting no time, I leapt into the TARDIS and...

... landed on K9, who promptly began chewing my fingers off. Having at last found his 'off' switch, I turned around to find that the robot dog seemed to have mated with a Cyberman (or possibly Cyberwoman) to produce...

...Anne Robinson. Screaming in terror, I took us back to the Triassic period and fed her to a passing dinosaur. While I was there I saw...

a talking onion called Dave, who I'd met once before during an.....

...extended stay in the University of North Wales Medical School's asylum wing. Recognising it now as the insidious guise of a renegade Time Lord, I immediately...

switched K9 back on again and told him to attack. This he promptly did by eating Dave the onion giving him enormous wind problems and...

...very watery eyes. Startled, I fell backwards out of the TARDIS and into...

the arms of a very tall and well developed, green....

....Tomatoe. Being a green tomatoe, it wasn't ripe yet and hadn't softened. This caused the poor tomatoe to be...

misspelt. While I could have used the TARDIS to ripen it by taking it forward in time, I had more pressing business to attend to, particularly the large and malodorous...

...mushroom I had been carrying since this all began. I had kept it hidden through my adventures by stuffing it in my left armpit. However, now it was clear that...