...engineer who could explain to me exactly how to use the silly thing! I've never got the hang of telephones: I usually manage to press the buttons without too much difficulty, but as soon as I lift the receiver, I forget to...

...um...

...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...

...also failed, which is why I am currently writing this epistle from inside Strangeways, where at this time of year there is thankfully plenty of...

...writing paper. However, supplies of walnut and grasshopper chutney are drying up, especially since...

...I had no ink, and uncertain times call for desperate measures. As a fugitive from the law, I...

live in the south of Spain among like-minded individuals. There, the sun shines constantly, making . . . .

...candlelit dinners somewhat pointless. This of course is why I never...

...actually moved to Spain, especially since I was still locked up in Strangeways, albeit dreaming of sunnier climes. My 'cellmate', a ...

...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...

...the warden was coshed from behind with a jar of grasshopper and walnut chutney by...