... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....

... I found Graham Norton underneath the rug. Needless to say, the two were most pleased with the occurrence, but the producers ....

...felt that Mr. Norton's presence tarnished the wholesome image of their show. I was taken into...

a small room and served Scotch and peanut butter cookies. I least I think they were peanut butter cookies, but there was just a hint...

of something herbal about them. Anyway, after a stern talking to from the producers, I felt a bit squiffy and went home for a ...

bout an hour, exhausted as I was. I decided to have a nap but as I went up the stairs...

...they turned into a giant talking banana, so I chatted with him for a few minutes before losing consciousness completely. When I woke up, I discovered that I was, in fact, in...

...a banana plantation in Fiji, completely naked. Enquiring of a passing farmer, I discovered...

I was near a slave labour camp where all the inmates were kept naked. Naturally, not wanting to appear out of the ordinary...

...the farmer also removed his clothes. I personally found all this quite disgusting and resolved to write a letter about it to...

the agricultural department. I mean, after all, the person who processes you corn should...

...be full aware of the consequences and hazards when operating agriculural equipment au naturale. However, when looking for a pen, I...

s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...