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Electric sock treatment
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C'mon, let the dog see the rabbi...
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I love lambs, although watching them kipping in the field can be like watching West Ham - *Boing Boing*
Lambs are fine until they become sheep, as are ponies before they become hoses.
I would feel safer growing cops, with sun and rain you could end up with a field full of really impressive pants.
If you grow ape, you can get oil from it.
I think its terribly clever how they take real con and turn it into fakes.
I hate the way they go soggy when you add some ilk.
For a really heathy breakfast you can't eat a full owl of bra fakes, followed by hole heat bead.
I'd rather have a nice oiled egg with read and utter.
Ladies, remove your necklaces when making breakfast. Nothing tastes worse than fried bead.
I prefer confakes.
Or maybe some shredded what?
Give me oast every time.
If my cock doesn't go off, I have to make do with bunch.
Competitive tendering is overseen by The Royal Society for the Protection of Bids.
Ah, animals, don't you just love 'em? I had a cow once which repeated many of my phrases.
I've heard similar said of the Mynah bid (mind you, toucan play at that game!).
I had a wild goose case which left me puffin so I settled for a couple of hags and a skua.
Cormorants are pretty neat. They sit in trees or on pylons and hang out their wigs to dry.
The sift is extremely graceful in fight.
Sifts are ok but I prefer a wallow.
Many birds find the staring intimidatory.
I am told that wet highland terriers are good for water bird hunting.
But not as much fun as a bent goose.
Female plumbers should know all about bust pipes.
...and all cocks.
I see that industrial action is planned for the railways. If there's a trike, I'll get on my bike.
I see also that the massacre in Iraq was apparently the result of a "selling error". How aposite.
A little more literacy among politicians would have spared us both Word Wars.
But would it have saved Pear Harbor from the surprise bobing?
I saw the Sydney Harbour hydro-oil ferry the other day. It's a very slick piece of engineering.
Whilst driving around I came across a new golf course. It's a most unusual layout with far more tees than you would normally expect.
I prefer the Spanish curses - the ones with a decent nineteenth ole.
Like pilots, golfers should keep to the airways.
I stopped going to my local course - too many roughs and lags.
Mind you, when I resigned, the Club Professional (he's the one who gives lessons and should know about these things) said he was sorry to see me go as I was a right hit at the game.
On my local course, I often dive straight into the water.
Golf is a good walk soiled.
Wasn't it Oscar Wide who said that?
It's at the ninteenth that you see all the best sots.
For my tee shot at this Par 5, I use a tree wood.
But, for a flat lie, the best club is an even iron.
For bunkers, I have a sad edge.
Confronted by a family of wild ears on the course? Just grab the first cub you can.
A number of heavy lorries have crashed through the polar ice, joining others at the bottom of the Artic Ocean.
A friend of mine just bought himself an articulate vehicle. He tells me that (unfortunately for him) its performance is pure rap.
I drive a large lorry delivering photocopier and laser printer parts - it's a 48 toner.
I remember the days when all we had was lie printers.
That was when Ford used to punch cars to record their stock
It's surprising how much heat is generated when you bake hard. Last 4 - top stuff. :-)
I think I'd like a job as one of those rash test dummies.
Most cars end up in a crap yard.
When driving onto a ferry always remember to fasten your sea belts.
I like those ferries where you drive on at one end and dive off the other.
I committed a dreadful crime in Cornwall so I had to stay in Penance.
Ah, one of the in-crowd, Rosie?
I heard there was a sad accident at Lad's End.
Some of Cornwall's ancient ruins are being made more customer-friendly, for example Tesco Abbey.
I was near Cornwall recently. I spent some time in Plymouth, but sadly didn't have time to get over the Tamar bride.
I've made a couple of visits to the Silly Isles in my time.
I was up in Morcambe one spring a few years back. To warn visitors to the area of the perils of the sands there was a large sign reading "Beware the Ides of March".
Err, Morecambe ... apologies to all the shrimps.
Also in Cornwall are the converted Chin Clay pits where various different climates have been built into trees - the Den Project
Cornish arbours are a good place to fish for cabs.
So the jewel in the crown of South West England is coal? That really fuels my ire! Still, whilst in some ways it's not as quite as lean as others I've tried, eating fat works well.
I'm not sure about south wet England - I thought more coal came from ales.
Moving to the other end of the country, is it only drunks that live in Sotland? (Gets coat, hard hat and has car engine running...)
Scotland has two main primary industries: lamb farming and stand-up comedian mining.
disputes last move
hangs his head in sham
I am so befuddled that I'm going to have to piss on the carpet, having completely lost the pot.
I can get drunk on just one pin. Real Ale warning!
I can never make up my mind whether I prefer Cognac or Armagnac, so I have to drink several brands, just to be sure.
Then there was this German who walked into a pub and asked for "a pint, bitte". (Kim, Softers) Top stuff!
If you have lemonade in your bee, it's handy.
Only the seriously devout real-ale types think it's important to have a straight-sided lass.
There's certainly nothing much more pleasant than a good old hat over a decent head.
I've swallowed a good few pins in my time.
I had some pink Vodka it was 70% poof.
That yard of ale on the wall looks filthy. I'll just take it down, swoosh it around and then sick it back up again.
I wonder if foxy ladies like to go cubbing. (Plump) Gin, surely?
Nothing warms me up on a winter's day than a Hot Todd.
[Rosie] I enjoyed your rat.
If garages emplyed female mechanics you'd never get a moment's peace because of all the torque wenches. (Kim) Cheers.
They say the car is just an extension of your pens. (I'll get my cat)
The pen is mightier than the word.
Its only Tuesday but it already feels like a long wee.
Yes, but it's the start of a new moth. Maybe we ought to keep the widows shut after dark.
"There is a French widow in every room". © Gerard Hoffnung ca. 1965
There is a beautiful girl in the house opposite me. I can see her through the double-gazing.
Hmm, makes you sound like a Peeing Tom to me.
Presumably a peeing tom is somebody who likes to have a loo.
I thought they liked watching women getting hanged.
I used to like watching the Women's cricket team getting ready for a bat.
I got picked for the Royal Household XI because I was good at bowing.
I was dropped by the Anorexics XI just because I was a fat bowler.
I used to drive their team tour bus, but then they went on trike after bad light stopped pay.
I remember - you were a very low diver and you kept locking the rod so I couldn't ass you.
I used to wince at they way you changed ears.
I got stuck on a 'bus one day. One of the tyres had deflated. Fortunately the vehicle was equipped with a radio and the driver, obviously being unable to mount the spare himself, yelled back to his base "Ring the changes, I'm in trouble". Talk about efficiency! Within minutes every church in the neighbourhood had activated its bells.
My pottery classes came in handy when I took my driving test. The examiner complimented me on my three pint urn.
Very little traffic in East Anglia, which is why you can enjoy a relaxing holiday on the Norfolk Roads.
I've often wondered why the population of No folk is so sparse.
Expatriate Spaniards in that part of the world who wish to worship could always go to El Cathedral.
Yeah, but it gets expensive if you're a Godfaring type. Of course, Agnostics travel half-Godfare, and Atheists don't have to pay at all. Mind you, you're supposed to kneel when you pay, and you have to say the Lord's Payer or something, but I've never understood what buying tickets at a Cricket ground have to do with religion. Maybe that's how they ended up with bats in the belfry and all. Of course they don't have that problem in the U.S. where TV evangelists urge you to pay when they're on the ox. Apparently, if you covet an ox, you can end up in Hell. They tell me God put it on a tone tablet, but I don't believe it, and tone tablets don't taste half as good as they sound.
I went into my garage yesterday and found it was full of garage.
I found 3 adders in mine.
I'm glad we've started posing in this game again, it went quit quit for a few days.
Probably due to Thrax's massive pot.
I think fundamentalist Christians shouldn't take the Holy Bile at face value.
[plum] me nether
How can astrology be an ancient belief if its predictions depend on the positions of planes? (Chalky) Your bum.....?
That I feel is too general, sir. Surely it was based mainly on the constellations they saw lying about in the sky?
What about the myth of the cow who jumped over the moo?
[Chalky] You were clearly posing on the wrong site, here.
The Americans refer to The Plough as The Big Dipper. They're entitled to, of course, because it's in the constellation of USA Major. (Duj) You can't see it down there, can you? It's still going round. :-)
Quite correct, Rosie. Nor do we see the dogs, ta for the reminder. Which is partly a lie, as Orion and his dogs sit almost on the zenith during our summer and makes a great centre piece between the Hyades and Pleiades - what a wonderful sight that can be!
All this interest in SARS isn't healthy.
Indeed, as Galileo said - 'keep your feet on the round'.
I'm a regular visitor to London's airports since I became interested in astrology, which is all to do with the movement of the planes.
If you go to the observation galley, you can watch the planes taxing.
Indian supermarkets are great; they all have a New Deli.
I see Euro 2004 has been won by the Geeks.
yes - the sunned Portugese cant believe it. (no Goa for them)
Yes, they could not believe the result of the math.
And no doubt that sore will haunt them for years to come
They're a funny lot down in Kent. But not to worry; it's one of the traits of Dover.
Whilst it may not compete with your 'funny lot' have you ever been down to check the ties along the Severn?
People are quite proud of our dull rainy weather because it is often accompanied by status cloud.
Read any good books lately? I'm just finishing William Golding's biography of Jeffrey Archer, "Lord of the Lies".
No, but I have noticed Bill Clinton's new book "My Lie". I also remember that the Israeli PM, Golda Meyer wrote a book under the same title which I always thought quite ironic.
I thought I'd tell you how laborious arithmetic used to be but nobody wants to read a logarithm tale. (Softers) Nice one(s).
I am blessed with three given names. Given that my father was a surveyor and lay-preacher he was obviously well versed in trionometry. (For those not up on their latin - trionometry - three names without measure.)
People are less foul-mouthed in the hot weather because they wear less. It's f****** hot today, though.
Standing on a crowded train, its the seat that makes you really uncomfortable.
French broadcasting is vey poor - the only have Radio Fou.
I meant to leave out one letter, not three. Hope it's clear which one.
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