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Will you welcome please...
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Crescenters announce arrivals at a ball nominated by any player, until topics are exhausted or dying, whereupon another social function is picked and it all begins again.
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Please welcome Mr and Mrs Gi and their daughter May.
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Myer and their son Jerry
Just over there helping the Fallen Virgin, Sam Ariton doing a good turn.
Oh look, sticking loosely on the theme, here are Mr and Mrs Saintsgomarchingin, and their crazy daughter, Wendy Saintsgomarchingin
And here are Mr & Mrs Iversofbabylon and their son Thor. No, he's just leaving -- bye, Thor Iversofbabylon!
Please be upstaning for the Lee-Ghosts, and their eldest son Theo Lee-Ghost
and of course from Lancashire the Eccles Lee-Asteys
The youngest member of the Iggle family is dawdling at the back of the queue. Will someone just prod Iggles' son?
Keeping the attendance record is our faithful servant, Teronomy. Can you tell us when the next guests are due, Teronomy?
Introducing Mr & Mrs See and their daughterFara.
Oh god here come the Vations, with their righteous daughter Sal Vation
And here come the American representatives of the Federation of Evangenical Zoroastrians and Nestorians: the F.E.Z.N.s
[Raak] Are Evangenicals the the product of Monsanto's Welsh research programme?
I'd just like to announce the result of the annual sovereigns versus judiciary football match: Kings 2, Judges 1.
CRIPES, here is the Whore of Babylon, which would suggest that the Dale Ovjudgement is here, and we must change balls, as it were.....
Here comes Tessa Lonians, who says there's a bunch of gay bishops trying to gatecash the party! But I think it's just a cruiser fiction.
Arriving with some bottles of their home-brewed beer, please welcome the house mates, Corinne Thians, Phillip Ians and Col O'Sians ... not forgetting Phil Emon. He brews.
From Spain, there's Senor Godthefatheralmighty, and his son who's in extreme pain. But he's taking painkillers, so there's Ibuleve in Juan Godthefatheralmighty.
[MF sublime!] At last - the methodists have arrived, but it looks as though one of them is missing. Where's Leanne Methodist?
right.
Oh look ! Its the Ceptions with their hairy daughter Connie. She's going to depilate herself for charity tonight, christ knows she needs it. What's that dear ? No no, not now, we'll wait till everyones here. Don't worry we won't forget, we'll Immac you later Connie Ception.
That plonker Richard Sark is trying to get up on stage again and make a dipstick of himself. I don't know about you but I'm getting very tired of his exhibitionism, so I say No R Sark, leave us alone!
A consignment of grammar specialists have snuck in! Of course, they would sneak, weedle, steal or even creep. They're very pro verbs. But they still shouldn't be at our party! Nor indeed should the welsh farmer Mr Entations' pet lamb. It's spilling the punch bowls all over the guests! Dan'll get rid of them for us, and he'll hose ya down afterwards. And I see that the lovely Mrs. Ling's traditional dress has been spoilt by the punch - the colour's all run out of the sash. Good job there's an obi dyer in the room!
A big hand please for the Yah family and their daughter Lou. Hallo, Lou Yah! Come and meet our VIP guest, the Fourth Earl Ordgod of Nipotentreigneth. He's a bit of a bore, he's been talking with Andy Shallreign for ever and ever.
A mystery woman has just arrived with the Inexcels family. Her sister Anna is introducing her as a long-lost sibling, prompting the assembled company to cry Who's Anna Inexcel's sis?
OK, let's review the situation. Who's 'ere? A bunch of apocryphal characters, by the looks of things. First the Dom family with their son Wes, the tedious knight Sir Ache and his pub-dwelling crow the bar rook, and what seems to be the entire McAbee clan - one, two, three, four of them. And Jeremy - ah. He's just sent a letter. It seems he can't come because he had his toe bit by that damn rook.
This is actually true - the senior partner of US law firm Altheimer & Gray used to be called Simon Odom. No joke. Another good one (but not biblical) is the Managing Partner of Dechert in Paris Mr Joseph Smallhoover. You really couldn't make it up.
Also late are Mr and Mrs Tiles and their daughter Jen, and also my good friend Wayne Amanger. Also the eco friendly hippy Jude. He's a vegetarian you know, and brings his own food - look, Jude 'as 'is carrot
Let's thank our caterers for their wonderful nativity-themed buffet. A big hand for Pret a Manger please. Senses scrapings at barrel's bottom.
I'm off to the musicians' ball. Anyone care to join me?
I'll join you, and in doing so I would like to welcome Mr. & Mrs. Tovensfifth and their daughter Bee Tovensfifth. She's a symphony in peach and i'm sure we could make some very nice music together!
And I'd like to welcome my close personal friends, the Days-Mozarts, and their lovely 5-year-old daughter Amy, who'll be singing in the visiting primary school's musical version of Little Red Riding Hood later on in the evening. (She plays the grandmother who is captured and tied up in the cupboard by the baddie - so you'll get to see a wolf gag Amy Days-Mozart.)
[ZK] Stunning!
Just entering the ballroom, we have Mr. and Mrs. Phony and their son Sam -- he's a dreamy lad, always in a fugue.
Over there, with his cap on back-to front, is the garage star Sod E. Are you going to give us some rap Sod E?
I think I spy in the corner a fake and highly dodgy character being hunted by the police! Officer, it's him - phony
Ah, welcome please Claire E. Net. Also, a distant cousin of the queen, the Royal Phil Armonic. And I've just been informed that there's a problem getting into the party - the door handel's fallen off.
Well, there's five guys named Mo here, but only one of them has the surmane Zart.
It seems that Mo Nteverdi, Mo Dulation, the unmusical Mo Notone and the verbose heir to his father's estates, the 2nd Mo V'ment, are all keeping rather lower profiles tonight.
I believe tonights MC is none other than Mr Mike Raphone (Mic to his close pals)
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Piano, and their Gran.
She's a Gran, but she calls hereself "Baby".
The wine waiter Hoven is under a lot of pressure tonight, so please would I ask you kindly not to bait Hoven.
Here are those lovely Finns, the Noconcertoincminor, and their beautiful daughter Pia Noconcertoincminor
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Fonyum and their son Hugh
Please put your hands together for Mr & Mrs O'Bowsfallentobits and their daughter Amy
Please welcome the very first entry in the phone book: Mr and Mrs A and their son Ari.
Please put your hands together arhythmically for Old Pa Cussion
Mr and Mrs Ductor have asked us to ensure a warm welcome please (because she'll throw a tantrum unless you do as she says) for the bossiest guest at the ball, Connie Ductor
I'd like to welcome Mr Al Singing as part of the cabaret. He likes to get everyone together for his Commune Al Singing. It's a bit of a wow and everyone says Corr Al Singing, you're fantastic.
PP] Did Carol not show up then ?
Please welcome Mr& Mrs Tone and their son Barry
...and their adopted half-son Sammy
and their friends, Mr and Mrs Phonic and their enchanting daughter Polly.
Please welcome, from Greece, Mr and Mrs Emiquaver and their extraordinarily ephemeral son Demis.
And while we're about it, here's Mr and Mrs Doallaturca and their son Ron.
At last! Our Italian friends, the Chertoes with their son, Con
Then welcome please Mr and Mrs Estines, and their talented yet culturally unbroadened son, the nevertheless musical Phil.
I see just arriving are Mr and Mrs Third, and their occupationally diverse sons - a Major and miner, to be precise.
Please welcome Bennettlookatthosesemiquaversinbarfifteeni'llhavetobuskit amd their son Gordon.
From Scandinavia, here are Mr & Mrs Tyfourpreludesandfugues and their son Sven.
I see just entering are Lord and Lady Musician, and their American-born son, the R. Hon. Jes.
Let's have a roll on the drums for Mr and Mrs Pani and their son Tim.
And while we are in the drumming mode please welcome the world renowned bagpipers Mr & Mrs Tom and their unimaginatively named son Tom
Please welcome, fresh from the Inferno, Dante and his ambulatory daughter Ann. (Plump) - How could you?
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Breen and their son Tam.
Pitching themselves into the fray its Mr. & Mrs. Bre and son Tim.
Prithee all be upstanding for Mr and Mrs Zaphone and their big brassy daughter Sue.
And just arriving I see Mr & Mrs Tosax and their lovely son Al.
Rather surprising that she hasn't arrived earlier, but will you nevertheless please welcome Mr & Mrs O'Lynn and their rather vintagely-monickered daughter Vi.
Oh my Gawd, it's that bloke with the twangy thing. Can't we Ban Joe?.
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Whistle and their daughter Penny
Please salute Mr & Mrs Mental-Band and their son Reggie
Who's the chap wearing the kilt? Ahh it must be Gordon the Highlander!!
Please stand for Mr & Mrs Thumb and their daughter Anne
And on that 'note', perhaps we should move on to a seasonal favourite...
The Christmas Ball

It was difficult task, but I'm please to tell you that our fixer, Ms Ivityplay, has managed to track down three wise men and a virgin. So a big thank you to our very own Nat Ivityplay.
(I appreciate we might overlap with the Biblical Dinner Dance Reunion, but remember - guests are for life, not just for Christmas)
Will you please welcome, from Ireland, Mr & Mrs O'Ration and their son Dec. Groan
And my very good friends, Douglas Fir and Scot Spine.
And what's this extremely grumpy-looking horned beast hybird that's escaped from the Old McDonald's GM Farm? It looks like a Boar-Bull to me.
Just arrived is the stuttering dutchman, a close relative of Colin, Tin-Tin Sell.
And after a long journey, here's Franklin Sentz with his good friend Merv.
Oh my Gawd, I suppose we'll have to let them in; they've got a ticket etc. etc. so try and raise a bit of enthusiasm for Mr and Mrs Singer and their daughter Carol.
Not to mention Pelham Grenville Duff and his friend Minerva aka 'Min' Spies.
And here are that much-loved couple, Mr & Mrs Whativealwayswanted. And behind them, it's Jess Whativealwayswanted.
Here are Mr and Mrs Ofninelessonsandcarols and their daughter Val, who's a bit of a character. So will you please welcome Feisty Val . . . .
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Allthemincepies and their greedy daughter Juliette
It wouldn't be the same without Mr and Mrs T'mas and their son Chris!
Oh no, not again! I suppose we'll all have to sit and watch while they do their turn, it's dull old Mr and Mrs
Bennethowmanytimesdotheythinktheycangetawaywithshowingallthoserepeatsonteevee
and their bore of a son, Gordon
Bennethowmanytimesdotheythinktheycangetawaywithshowingallthoserepeatsonteevee. aythengyew!
Prithee abase y'rselves before Mr & Mrs Shopsopentoday and their son Arthur.
Here come Mr & Mrs Nut and their beautiful daughter Hazel
followed by Mr Arron spelling and his friend Miss take (c above oops!)
Put your hands together for Mr and Mrs Allover and their unfestive daughter Gladys.
Here comes Ho Chi Minh, with his less well-known brother, Ho Gma Nay.
Please give a hearty cheer for the multi-national cast of 'The Twelve Days Of Christmas Pantomime' who have arrived hotfoot from their last night [accompanied by drumming drummers and piping pipers] ... so it's Hello to Leigh Pinglords, Lady Stancing, Maisie Milking, from Spain - Juan Zaswimming, from France - Guy Selaigne, from Israel - Golde Rings, not forgetting Colin Birds, Fran Chens, Curt Elldoves and last but not least, Pa Tridgeinapeartree.
A small Irish boy Tom O'lata is looking for his father. Could his dad, Chip O'lata come to the lost children's desk please.
[Chalky] Bravo!
Would you welcome please the Reverend and Mrs Inexcelsis and their daughter Gloria Inexcelsis, and find a seat at the table for Rose Potatoes & Gray Vee. After all this we may need the help of Al Cazelzter, because Ivor Stomachache will be joining us.
Indeed, we've all been eating far too much Christmas cake, chocolate cake, sponge cake, fruit cake and angel cake, now the stoma cake is setting in (not an original, but I couldn't resist...)
Ladies and gents, please welcome the Claus family and their son Sandy and the El Toe family, and their daughter whose name is not on the list, but she's insisted upon being suspended from the ceiling for festive reasons. Furthermore I do believe however that things are likely to become somewhat 'over-familiar' here at the ball if yesterday evening's soiré is an indication, as I spotted Mummy kissing Sandy Claus underneath this Miss El Toe last night. Oh, and there's a chap called Noel here as well, and his friend Si Lentnight and the Sanna family, with their daughter who is alleged to have solicited for sexual purposes, though it was never proven. Please welcome also Mr and Mrs SinRoyalDavidCity, and their son Juan, and this evening's cabaret singer Mr. Harold Angel. Oh, and since this is a multicultural and multi-religious affair, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to learn that Theo Israel has been joined at last by his long awaited guest Emmanuelle. Many of you may wish to rejoice, since you've long been expecting that.
LAST ORDERS AT THE BAR PLEASE !! Twelth Night as come and gorn ! Ain't you lot got stables to go to ?
New theme? Or something completely different?
And now for something...I've tried to think of some suggestions, but for now seem to be drawing a blank.
...completely different. All further arrivals must stay under the line. Mornington Crescent
Um, I said Mornington Crescent. Where's the Grim Reaper when you need him?
Over 'ere, mate. Time to give this one a decent burial. Anybody fancy a Geographer's Ball? Lots of weird-sounding specialist terms.
Well, I have no idea as to how long it might last but someone has to strata off.
It's a short ball. Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Gitude, and their son Lon....
Please mix with the D'analands and their daughter, Gwen.
Just before I head for the punch, please welcome the Boles together with their daughter, Dusty.
Ooops! I'm becoming somewhat dry now - the Neenyo's and their daughter Elle have just arrived.
Urrgh. BAN 's
Oooh look, here's Audrey, and she's going to give us a talk about the research she has been doing with the help of the SUN newspaper, plotting the locations of all paedophiles in the surrounding area, and asking them all questions. Lets have a look at Audrey's Nonce Survey Map (****Coat please!****)
Please welcome the Clines in the form of Cindy ('Cin')and her aunty.
this poor neglected game. No guests to speak of at his party. poor wee soul.
I know. but I'm rubbish at puns.
Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Tarktick and their daughter Anne
Will you also welcome from warmer climes Mr & Mrs Reef and their daughter Coral
It's Mr and Mrs Astrench, and their deep daughter, Marianne
This game is screaming in agony. I am sorry, but these geographers have just got to go. I blame it all on the Pines and their son Al Pine. Now please be upstanding for the nect round of guests , ably fronted by the De Leer family from Ireland, as their son Sean de Leer welcomes all and sundry to the "Household Items ball".
This looks more promising - the first arrivals, straight off the chara' - Ira Ningboard, Dai Ningchair, Lew Brush, Kit Chentowel and, of course Ma Tatomasher and her husband Pa . . . ..
And Ira, a rag-and-bone man, has brought along his horse, the Dray Ningboard
Please welcome that collector of old newspapers and tins it's Mr & Mrs Ikelingbox and their son Reece
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Rowe-Wave and their son Mike
Also please put your hands together for Mr & Mrs Dardlamp and their son Stan
This party's hotting up! It's the representatives of the Boiler family, lead by Gus and swiftly followed by his cousin, Ian Mersion-Heater
all the way from SARF london, its the Door family, wiv their terrible twins, Fran Door & Beck Door
Will you please welcome Mr and Mrs Cupboard and their daughter Erin.
And say a big hello to Mr and Mrs Chunsink and their son Kit.
Its Mr and Mrs Hall with their sons Stuart,White,Addlington,Bredbury,Lostock,Grange,Gorse and daughter Bram
Welcome please that multicultural family all the way from Cheddar Gorge, Mr & Mrs Sgrater and their lovely daughter, Chi.
Ooh, phooey. Too long away, one feels.
All the way from the Orient its Mr&Mrs Chin with their sons Itchee and Hairee
This game needs sectioned i believe - for observation.
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