Before you go, remind too distant exterior on a leg you of it that you receive, in order to backwards finally culminate. They saved the premium for the end, and is it maintains ages. Begin the music and observe their might those have written to dance. Passion? Luck? Novel? Not, not really.

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You will be the butt of forty-eight distinct jokes made by fellow musicians, at least two of whom shall be trombonists. You shall then get together with three of your number, get into a mini and drive in the direction of the nearest cliff. Having overshot, someone on the cliff edge will shout "You could have got five of them in easily".

Today is a good day to follow your chosen star. Be prepared for a walk in the park, the bush by the southern entrance will provide ample cover. Should there be shopping, beware of cameras and security. It has been a week since you last made contact, make up for lost time send three cards and phone twice. Tommorrow the police will come for you after breakfast.

This card speaks of dark secrets and vicious rumour. Looks like it's true about Mr Fisher, then -- right there in the cafeteria, apparently! Probably best to eat elsewhere today.

You will be involved in a ferocious bidding war today, but ten pence really is too much for the Mills & Boon so I'd let Mrs Tinker have it if I were you. Mind the loose paving stone on the way out of the church hall, though - you don't want to go ruining your new tights with only having worn them a week! Do pop in to see Mr Hedges at the butcher's; he's got a nice Cumberland sausage in this week, or so he says. I thought he was from Manchester.

Hmm, I knew there was a reason I preferred Earl Grey.

You will encounter an elevated, unlit newcomer, plunge in fondness and live contentedly ever subsequently.

Caramac is ascending in Starbucks this evening, and so you should expect to read your own obituary in The Times. You will have an unaccountable craving for Weetabix at 3:10 pm. Your lucky condiment is mustard.

Your phrenological review indicates substantial external bruising in the areas of 'self esteem' and 'kindness' by an unknown assailant whilst you wait for the No57, which will be late for the second time this week and its only Wednesday, while you are reading thi....

When you are woken by the bus driver you will have lost 10 minutes, your mobile phone and your bus fare home. Enjoy the walk.

Today you will face destruction by Mumm-Ra for the thirtieth tedious time. Working close with a friend or loved one will bring the battle-tank into play at just the right time. Be mindful of wily-kit who might lead wily-kat astray and into a dangerous situation. Snarf. Your lucky ability is being able to run very fast indeed.

You can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough. You're living in a fantasy world. Take the money and run. You can keep the furniture. Where'd you park the car? Cut the kids in half. Everyone wants to be your friend. I think you're crazy, maybe. Stop sending letters, letters always get burned. When i am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all. Ambition makes you look very ugly. Breathe keep breathing, don't lose your nerve. There are doors that let you in and out, but never open. But they are trapdoors that you can't come back from. Ambition makes you look very ugly.

Another rather predictable month. You will hurtle through space, orbiting a giant ball of gas. You will continue to be composed of Hydrogen and Helium, have a density of 0.69 g/cm³ and remain surrounded by rings composed of thousands of water ice particles. Later this week you will move into Capricorn, but it's unlikely you'll feel the benefit.

With Harold Jenkins moving into the House of Janice Smith, you'll find yourself assailed by meteors from the Perseid Shower. There might be some minor impacts on your northern pole, but it seems unlikely that your orbit will be significantly altered. More significant is next week, when Harold Jenkins will come into conflict with Mr Perkins at work - look out for a glancing encounter with Ceres, leading to a definite change of pace as you change orbit to several degrees off the ecliptic! Obviously things will be a bit quiet after that for a few thousand years, although induced precession in your orbital pattern after a near approach to Jupiter will presage a fiery death in Earth's upper crustal zone, incidentally bringing to an end the lives of all the descendents of Harold Jenkins.

You might want to cancel the milk.

I see the mists clearing and a shape emerges. No, make that two shapes. They are becoming clear. You will accosted by a gnu. Its name is Herbert. The other shape is a horse, called Sean. It is a nice gnu, not to be confused with the German battleship the Gneisenau, sister ship to the Scharnhorst, not to be confused with Sean Horse, which is your horse. There will be buttercups.

Today is another good day for wearing red dungarees.

With the alligators approaching the House of the Rising Sun and Thatcher still in the House of Lords, now is the time to decide if you really should have those vegetables nasally inserted. Beware of Gnus, they will want to explain monetary union to you. Your lucky dwarf is 'Sneezy'.

You're about to hit a sticky patch, but don't let it give you the pip. No matter how heated the situation, don't let it make you boil over or there'll be a real mess on the stove top. Things will soon settle down. Just remember to keep the lid on your emotions, otherwise you'll find a layer of mould when you next come to stick your finger in the jar. Congestion will ease.

Y-O-U-R--R-U-S-T--H-E-A-P--O-F--A--C-A-R-S--S-E-R-V-I-C-E-- A-N-D--M-O-T--A-R-E--D-U-E--T-O-D-A-Y--I-T-W-I-L-L-F-A-I-L--T-H-E--M-O-T--T-H-E--B-I-L-L --T-O-C-A-R-R-Y--O-U-T--T-H-E--R-E-P-A-I-R-S--W-I-L-L --B-E--F-O-R--F-I-V----- S-T-O-Q-P--P-U-L-K-L-I-N-G--T-G-H-E--P-P-O-I-N-S-T-E-R

This week your output will be distinctive, spread, as ever across eight national digital TV services and eleven radio networks. For more specific predictions, see here

An inauspicious date at the best of times, today it is compounded by Saturn ascending and the Black Cat Convention that is currently visiting town. Consequently, all the sorrows you have ever known are as nothing to the woes that await you if you leave the house. I recommend barricading yourself in the bedroom and quaking in terror under the covers until dawn tomorrow. It's not guaranteed to save you, but trust me: anything else will be much, much worse.

You will find yourself appointed Lord Chancellor. Or possibly not. You will not take on the job of Speaker in the House of Lords, or possibly you will for a bit. You will also be responsible for the Scotland Office and the Welsh Office, which will also be abolished, except they won't, and you won't be responsible for them. Well, you might manage their old staff. You won't be head of the judiciary either. Well, OK, you could be.

You will start from Pembroke Dock punctually and call at all stations to Narberth punctually. Proceeding at a slow pace, you will then stop for no particular reason in the bit of countyside between Llannelli and Swansea. The train conductor will cite 'Operational Difficulties'. There will be a cow on the line near Baglan which will take much shooing from a signalman before the train is allowed to proceed. The buffet will run out of sandwiches just prior to Brigend, will close at Newport and will not reopen until Yatton having been restocked at Bristol Temple Meads. Someone will get their luggage stuck in the doors at Weston Super Mare. Your lucky platform number is three.

Today you will be indecisive. Don't rush around, just take it easy but do cut corners. Stick to the middle of the road and ignore other people. You will give off confusing signals to others but don't worry about that. You may see some signs on your travels, but they don't apply to you. Lucky gear, second.

You will spend much of today hanging around in a playpen, wearing a nappy. Eating, sleeping, excreting, belching and manually and orally investigating stuff around you figure large in your chart. A particularly good day for dribbling.

Whilst in general you tend to the vegetarian side of living, because of your size/tendencies/general demeanour you can unwittingly turn underlings into mincemeat. Watch out for the solstice as this is when you stretch things to the ultimate. Advice: keep your head down and don't put your neck on the block.