[Ibid] You offering?
No. I can't do the plays to save my life.
Neither can I :)
[Ibid] I'm still working on one, sort of.
[Projoy] Was meinst Du wenn Du sagst, "in irgendwelcher Art"? Ich meine, so viele Anstrengend ist es nicht, oder?
[rab] You may find that posting to an English-language website in German will not win you friends or influence people. Don't do it again, or I'll send the boys round. Oh, and it's Anstrenge, not Anstrengend.
[rab] Yeah.
I have move.
But I no think you like.
[Martha] Well, I've realised there's nothing doing with mine for the next couple of months, sadly, although it was a rather good concept, tho I say so myself, so I guess your move would at least provide some action.
I wondered if you'd seize the chance to gazump me. :o) And I gave another night to add a bit of Ibsen, Shaw, Mamet, Noh drama and Thos. But then I thought "why bother"?
Hmm. My move appears to be packed with "extra closing / tags". I can't find a single one. And it all works fine on my Geocities page. This may take a while...
| [1] | The message clearly refers to the number of jammy badgers that need to be slapped in the faces of the Persians to evade the oncoming war | King Syze: Alas, my daughter, fair as the moonlit sky Radiant as Aurora's daylight breath, You think I haven't tried to plead for clemency? My servant, Standates, will soon return With the words of the Delphic Oracle herself, The vessel of Apollo in this world The one who lured King Croesus to his doom And chose the great Themistocles to be Her reader, and the saviour of Athens. Enter Standates, and Massiva Syze, the king's mother
The words of the gracious Oracle. Nine months Have I carried this treasure from Parnassus To now conclude my journey with this step. The actions of wise men outweigh the words Of but a single prophet. If the news Were not the kind you want, then would you kill Your only daughter for a scrap of reeds? I offer half my fortune, that you might Destroy the accursed box and keep your wits As well, your regal reputation true. King Syze: You thus compel me to open the box. [Does so, with a bit of ceremony, courtiers staning with bated breath] And if we follow our instincts, then we all Will find ourselves devoured by the Fates. We must conserve our best supplies, like you, [Meediam] To ward off evil spirits. This clue could quite outsphinx the Theban Sphinx Let's hope and pray that someone can explain Its mystery before the day is out Enter (who else?) Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo, Lutenist | |||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||
| [2] | Spank My Jammy Badger never caught on properly on the West Coast, as the badgers grabbed the table tennis bats and waked across the snow on them instead | Watching a spider do its Fly impression. Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards! | |||||||||
| Spanklines | |||||||||||
| [3] | It was a jammy badger that originated the tradition of long pauses in Pinter's plays. It was only when Harold started slapping them that they could be made to shut up, you see | King Syze: Piss off! Sie müssen jetzt hören, was wir wissen. Seit wir in unserem eigenen Land sind. Doch, werden wir überprüfen, Fran's Schuh, Bert Enter Graziela and... oh, let's say... Barry | |||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||
| [4] | So many people were buying jam in the summer of 1981 that there were virtually no badgers left to slap by the time they all left. Which is why shops could afford to give credit eventually | We only give credit to idiots. Numquid tunc hoc dominum politicum | |||||||||
| Carpe Diem | |||||||||||
| [5] | "What The Jammy Badger Saw", an early draft of a better-known play (called "Loot") examined the psychology of the badger after sticking it through the hole in a doughnut and slapping it with jam. Oddly enough, the badger became rather docile and, indeed, attractive, as the experiment took its toll on the psychologists | Enter Prince Minuscule, who is huge Enter Lutenist, now dressed as King | |||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||
| [6] | Had they studied the bereavement notice below, "Brocky, the beloved pet of retired jam-slapper Ivor Perversion, went the way of the trilobite last night," it might have been a quite different story. And Scorsese bought the rights immediately | | |||||||||
| Late Nostalgic Review of "Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline" | |||||||||||
| [7] | Poor John Lovelie is so named because of recently being mistaked for a jammy badger and slapped to within an inch of his front doorway | Short pause while the stage is divested of its musical paraphernalia King Syze: Egad, daughter! This is no lovely place! We affect creditors and duns night and day, the Israelites beat at our honest Gentile gates as though the hordes of Assyria were baying at their feet. My stars, it's money we require and it's money we shall have, if the suits of Lord Angerman and Count Spondulicks can be secured. Now, repair to your chambers and select a silken robe with which to ensnare one of these upstanding young social pillars. Enter Lady Thick | |||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||
| [8] | Jammy Badgerslapping | Covent Garden | |||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||
| [9] | [Deleted verse from the DVD] "Eye wanna funk this jammy badger o' mine/I'll slap it with mah cricket bat so fine/No m**********r's gonna slap him 'fore I'm done/I'll slap im till he's got only one lung" | Sebastian: I cain't stan' any more o'this! Sebastian pulls a shotgun and shoots TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP stone dead. Cheers from Audience Belle: Oh Brother Man what'd you do thayat fower? Man I heard 'im sayin' he was the Prince! An' now we ain't got no fella to come dragon slayin' over New Years'. Man you is so inconsiderate sometimes. Belle moves to TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP and strokes his head Enter Graziela, who immediately starts attacking Belle Enter Prince Charming | |||||||||
Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||
| [10] | Slide in a bunch of badgers by their necks, stretch them properly, coat them liberally with a paintbrush of jam, push two halves of workmate together and... | FUNCTION THE SECOND: A portable "=" sign for signalling maths problems to low-flying aircraft | |||||||||
| 101 Uses for a Black & Decker Workmate | |||||||||||
| [11] | The French originally took to badger-slapping as a way of getting thier livers to burst out through the top of their heads. This was then deep-fried with liberal amounts of jam in order to make a piquant sauce for duckling [Escoffier, II, pp.97-9] | Scene 3: Police Station. Prince Charming is behind bars and being interrogated Constable Gerard: According to your statement (let me see), I've never come to terms with this, and hope That you'll understand my plea as misanthrope. Besides, in fact he took me by surprise and Hit me with a showstopper by Streisand (And some other fellow I'd never heard of before called Yello) And if that's not enough, my clothing should evince My highfalutin status as a Prince! Whether or not you're the real Prince Charming. There's only room for one "PC" round here And not the one with bad behaviour! Enter Boleti But you'll have to help me win your sister, Meediam! I have the bail you need to be released Despite your murder of Miss Bourne the Beast Should go the way of poor old Mister Bette! But no, I'll let him bail me out of this mess Then maybe I'll get to meet the Princess! [Not aside] Gerard! This man's prepared to put up bail To spring me out of your disgusting jail! Boleti: And now we'll go and meet your sister! | |||||||||
| Moliere (in the ubiquitous Neil Bartlett translation) | |||||||||||
| [12] | Badgers can't help laughing when slapped with jam. Try it now | Titter ... Smirk | |||||||||
| Straight Face | |||||||||||
| [13] | Bert actually absconded to get away from his girlfriend. In all other respects she was quite normal, but whenever they were in bed together, at the crucial moment she tended to cry out the immortal phrase.... | [Exit baritone] But answer came there none Enter mysterious stranger with one shoe
| |||||||||
| The Oats/Chekhov Interface | |||||||||||
| [14] | Try slapping a badger with a jam-filled Cartier bracelet. Or else | ...your covert activities against the Nestlé corporation, your ongoing campaign to rid the world of the horrors of Nescafé, Milky Bar, KitKat, Smash, Smarties..." Steve put a Nailwell-manicured finger over Nicola's exquisitely Revlonned lips. "Hush now, Bulgari," he whispered, sending a thrill through Nicola's entire Lipo-LovelyTM torso as he used her favourite pet name. "Just ring your friends, Dorothy Perkins, Miss Selfridge, Ann Summers, St. Michael, Sue Ryder..." "Maybe not her." "Okay, just play with this Fort Knox gold bullion till I get back. My, you look truly Brillo-pad today. Your eyes like Swarovski crystal, those teeth like..." "Colgate, particularly. Bring me back something really special. Something like... like..." | |||||||||
| Cartier Bracelet | |||||||||||
| [15] | Princess Laguna is in fact played by a jammy badger. Not quite a celebrity in her own right, but after winning the lead in the new Scorsese production, just watch this space. (Needless to say, she's a bit of a slapper) | Mrs Dragon: Oi! Your band! Dragon: Yes, I'm fast and she's hideous. Shouts and screams offstage of "Help, Help! Save Me! Someone, Please!" Prince Charming: Oh what was that? Enter Princess Laguna, blonde and ravishing, possibly played by celeb of your choosing
| |||||||||
| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||
| [16] | I hope someone starts Jammy Badger-flavour MC next move. I'll slap em all round the court | Hmm, you've got me. I *farkle* but reserving home at Russell Square | |||||||||
| Vanilla MC | |||||||||||
| [17] | The Magnificent Seven - slap jammy badgers | Se7en - Paltrow gives head | |||||||||
| Tasteless Butler Did It | |||||||||||
| [18] | But not quite as much as the game of Slap My Jammy Badger |  | |||||||||
| Bollocks | |||||||||||
| [19] | I have two badgers right here with me. I've called them Penelope and Blob. One of them has just slapped the other with jam. It's all happening today on Big Badger! | 9,994 I yearn for you madly, your firm, manly arms, your flowing chestnut hair, I want you to take me and hold me close for all eternity as I burn in the fire of your passion, as I melt into a glow of unbridled scintillating love. | |||||||||
| 10,000 comments Pen wouldn't make to Blob | |||||||||||
| [20] | What is a jammy badger and why should it be slapped so much? | If someone with a multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation? | |||||||||
| Stupid Questions | |||||||||||
| [21] | How about *splut* Oooh! Mkk mmk mmkkkk! | No, no, this is clearly an outtake from David V. Goliath - The Rematch, a fair fight set in a boxing ring. *click* kwarkwarkwarbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! | |||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||
| [22] | Unlike Jam Splat Wally, where a Monty Mole-type clone goes round picking up jamjars without getting splatted by the pneumatic pistons | I'll open at Macaroni Ted, with a podume on the Spacecraft from Zzoom! | |||||||||
| Jet Set Willy | |||||||||||
| [23] | Obviously the Pope is an inveterate badger-slapper, and lives only on Jam up in Castel Gandolfo with his three little stoats |
| |||||||||
| Small HYPEarthquakers | |||||||||||
| [24] | Clue: It's not "Slap My Jammy Badger!" | [matt] The Return Of Fucking = The Return Of The King? And, similarly... [rab] Bored Of The Rings? God knows I've had enough time to think about them. Anyway, moving swiftly on... Aerial shot of a Flash Crowd: Film, 4 words | |||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||
| [25] | David Blaine is currently thinking "Oh, how many jammy badgers I'm going to slap when I get out of this stupid box!" Many students have taken to slapping jammy badgers on the box and trying to mke them stick, just to tantalise him | | |||||||||
| Dee Twinty-Sivin As The Fly Trapped In David Blaine's Box | |||||||||||
| [26] | Richard Gere once played King Caractacus. Backstage, after the orgy scene, he remained so in character that he obtained a badger, lubricated it with jam, and slapped it up his... [Snip! Ed.] | Now, the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus Were just passing by (All together at this point!) The current moment, the women of the seraglio of the palace of the aforementioned ruler Came past a short time ago The instant here, the females of the love nest of the hall of that monarch Went thataway slightly previously, At present, the girls of the knocking-shop of the throne-room of the previously-named regal man Recently travelled alongside the viewer The immediate second, the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches in the britches of the boys who laid the powder on the noses of the faces of the birds of the brothel of the grotto of said kingly bloke So if you want to take some pictures of the engaging enchantresses who've lain the entrancing thin strings in the kecks of the masculine children who ladled PCP on the conks of the dames of Priapus's paradise of the natural abode of the country's trusted advisors of the number-one-big-fella whose identity was revealed by me, you're TOO LATE! | |||||||||
| Just A Minim | |||||||||||
| [27] | Slap My Jammy Badger! | Jammy Badger-Slapping was the breakout sport in this year's World Championship games, so I felt it was worthwhile publicising it in this forum too | |||||||||
| Celebrity Commentary | |||||||||||
Thanks again to matt for the table (and the good set-ups). And it's over to you :o)
[MF] Congratulations, both on the move and for getting it through the checker. I will improve this one day. I don't think there's anything to dislike about your move. Must try harder next time (though I don't know how many times I'll be able to sidestep these theatrical parodies...).
Bravo! Especially on the extra SMJB bits.
I see that "Bravo!" and raise you a "Hurrah!" A work of genius. Without wishing to in any way downplay the plays, which I love, the workmate function is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages.
Oh. Bugger. Does that make it my turn?
Really? Isn't it strange how the best moves take the least time? (The longest one to do was easily Just A Minim.) And I've no idea why the picture doesn't work.
Tuj has spent most of this afternoon preparing a move, imminent within the next couple of days. Unlikely but true.
Before I start let me present my credentials:
1) I have staunchly opposed Acre Street whenever it has sprung up
2) I have never played Stratford-upon-Crescent
3) I know very little of plays beyond GCSE Shakespeare
4) I love Just A Minim
So, cringe and expect the worst. Tactically refurcating each of the dramatic strands with another furcation will reduce the number of furcations, as I expect one of the two things shoehorned together will win out soon enough. It's like Darwin.
Now read on:
1) I have staunchly opposed Acre Street whenever it has sprung up
2) I have never played Stratford-upon-Crescent
3) I know very little of plays beyond GCSE Shakespeare
4) I love Just A Minim
So, cringe and expect the worst. Tactically refurcating each of the dramatic strands with another furcation will reduce the number of furcations, as I expect one of the two things shoehorned together will win out soon enough. It's like Darwin.
Now read on:
| A: The chassis of a Euripidean drama crudely welded to the back end of Just A Minim From previous furcations 1 & 26 | ||||||||
| Lutenist: Sirrah, the hour of birthday bash is now Wouldst thou like to hear a cheery song, perchance? Here be a song to sooth thy worried brow So come and with our weasel comp'ny dance! space(strums and sings) Look for the bare necessities The simple stripped-down vitals Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the plain essentials Are Mother Nature's recipes That bring the basic requirements of life Seek out the essential needs The uncomplicated minimum obligations Think not of your anxieties and apprehension I'm trying to convey the unembellished fundamentals That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the straightforward musts of being Now when you pick a pawpaw Or a prickly pear And you prick a raw paw Well, next time, beware Don't pick the spiky apple-like edible By the palm area At the time you pluck out an elongated green fruit Try to use the claw But you don't need to utilise the talon When you harvest a pair of the big tropical delicacy mentioned in the first line of this verse Search after the ursine things you can't live without The unadorned grizzly's indispensables Cast from your mind thine trials and tribulations I am implying the merest crucial things Which is why a teddy could rest at leisure Using merely Pooh's imperative concepts of this mortal coil Getting by only on Paddington's important ideologies of living! space(collapses) space(dancers continue as King Syze goes over to Lutenist) King Syze: You know of bears and weasels, it is plain My trouble's with sardines; could you explain? Lutenist: Dunno, ask Graziela. (keels over again) King Syze: Were that the name of Graziel' I hear? And that then would confirm my greatest fear? My swornèd enemy is truly here? space(dancers stop. Graziela steps forward) | ||||||||
| B: The bare necessities of a game of Spanklines From previous furcation 2 | ||||||||
| Don't shout, or everyone'll want one. How do you start a teddy bear race? | ||||||||
| C: Dee Twenty-Sivin as the fly trapped in a Pinterian Drama From previous furcations 3 & 25 | ||||||||
| Friday: I'm well travelled now. Been in that house full of BB-bastards, and that box with the log in it, and now I'm in this big Medieval thing. Funny, the bastards here speak just like the first band of bastards. Like, today, this happened: Graziela: Ah, there he is! King Syze: Who? And who're you? Graziela: (ignoring him) My pet bear. How he got under a cabinet here I dunno. Peugeot: A bear!? Bloody hell! King Syze: Ah piss, the great hairy bugger's coming out from under the cabinet! And when the log with the shiny top on it said that, this great hairy groaning thing, like the logs but much bigger, suddenly jumped up. It chased all the logs around the room! F*ck me it was funny. space(buzzes off as scene ends)
| ||||||||
| D: Carpe Diem, bartender, and hold the bears From previous furcation 4 | ||||||||
| With enough money, any tonker can become a domineering politican. Falls Sie Schmuck tragen, sollten Sie diesen während der Fahrt verdecken. | ||||||||
| E: Joe Orton's take on a classical drama. Enter the tasteless butler... From previous furcations 5 & 17 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Three Another room in Castle Drogo, the next morning. (enter the tasteless butler, in conversation with Azulejo) Ozzy Osbourne (for it is he) : Look, mate, I saw it through a hole in the f___in wall! The f___in lute fella gave Francoise a proper f___in f___in. He put one of his hands in her f___in- Azulejo: Whoa, steady on! Ozzy Osbourne: Well f___ me, I though you'd be f___in interested! I mean, this actually f___in happened, not like that lilac fire-breathing f___in grizzly bear I saw running round the place last Thursday. (enter Graziela) Graziela: Azulejo! Get away from that tasteless butler! Come hither, we have plots to scheme and schemes to plot. (exit Azulejo and Graziela) Ozzy Osbourne: Well, I know when I'm not f___in wanted. space(turns, flinches) F___ me! It's that f___in bear again! space(exit, chased by thin air) | ||||||||
| F: Late Review nostalgically looks back on what a late cat thought of 10,000 reverse comments pen wouldn't make to Blob From previous furcations 6 & 19 | ||||||||
| Mark Lawson: Tonight on Late Review, we nostaligcally look back on what a late cat though of 10,000 reverse comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob. Tom Paulin, your view? Tom Paulin: Well, Mark, frankly I totally agreed with Tiddles' thoughts on this one. I have no criticisms to make at all, in fact. Mark Lawson: How do you defend such a non-controversial stand-point? Tom Paulin: Well, you did just wake me up. Mark Lawson: O, K, then, Germaine Greer? Germaine Greer: Weell I find this all just impossible to believe! The idea that this character penelope (she pronounces it to rhyme with 'antelope') would never say these things to Blob is negated by the fact that these statements have been aired where penelope can clearly read them, and so she is far more likely to say them! And frankly the whole business of reversals and the ridiculous cat motif just make it even less credible! (pause) Mark Lawson: So- Germaine Greer: (interrupting) Frankly it all just reeks of the male chauvinism so typical of today's society! (pause) Mark Lawson: So? Germaine Greer: No, I've finished now. Do your bit. Mark Lawson: Don't boss me about, I'm the presenter! Pedro, get her! (exit Germaine Greer, chased by a bear) Mark Lawson: No-one messes with Mark "The Hard Man" Lawson. (credits roll) | ||||||||
| G: The noble sound charades of Sheridan From previous furcations 7 & 24 | ||||||||
| (three hours later) Peugeot: (yawns) Lady Thick: A Miriam (sic.) of confounditudes upon your tardy servants! Zounds, a pair of hours ago did I expectorate them. King Syze: Peugeot, fool, will you not disport ourselves with some diverse divertion? Peugeot: My liege, picture in your imaginings a noble knight, who upon his shield bears the legend 'Film: 2 words' King Syze: (to Lady Thick) My lady you shall find this ostracizes your ennui. 'Tis my favourite game of 'Sound Charades'. Peugeot: Now imagine a couple, promenading. Their names are Alpheus and Serena. Now see Alpheus' friend Benedict as he comes over to them. They speak as follows: Benedict: Ah, so this is the lady who ensnared you in marriage, Alf? This is 'her'? Alpheus: Ah, yes. Let me introduce you: 'her', Ben ... (pauses) Lady Thick: Yes, yes, continue... Peugeot: Nay, now you should know the answer. (awkward silence; enter a bedraggled Boleti, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| H: Baker's Two From previous furcation 8 - though as a late starter, this move is forced, and even an unintelligent stuffed bear would know what's coming next move now... | ||||||||
| Hammersmith, buggeration. | ||||||||
| I: Tennessee "Bollocks!" Williams From previous furcations 9 & 18 | ||||||||
| Graziela: Look what you gone done now, missy. Belle: Bollocks! I ain't done nothin'! Anyhow, he's mine faw the doin'! Graziela: Bollocks! He's mine! Belle: Bollocks! He's mine! Graziela: Bollocks! Belle: Bollocks! space(they continue shouting 'Bollocks!' louder and louder, until:) space(enter Azulejo) Azulejo: BOLLOCKS! (silences women) Graziela, ma'am - bayd noos. Prince Charming darn well ran into a grizzly bear, an' well, an' - it made faw him an' tore off his... All: ... Bollocks? Azulejo: You could say that. | ||||||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate From previous furcation 10 | ||||||||
| FUNCTION THE THIRD: Bear trap. Disguised as a picnic basket (to attract the bears, obviously), wait in the middle of Yellowstone Park until one comes along. As it does, close the 2 halves of the Workmate as it puts its foot between them, thus trapping it. For best effects, use in conjunction with Black and Decker Deluxe Plus toolkit - the secret website address on the underside of the lid gives details of how all the tools (even including gruesome uses for the Allen keys) double up as bear-torturing devices! | ||||||||
| K: The playwrightship of Molière (Celebrity Commentary c/o Neil Bartlett) From previous furcations 11 & 27 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Four Princess Meediam sits alone in Castle de Plitploth, reading aloud from OK! magazine or somesuch. Meediam: "Prince Charming, bro of Meediam," (that's me) "Has been released from police custody Though for murdering Bette he was locked in jail It seems his manservant has stumped up bail Nigel Boleti, valet, 32 Was not available for interview The rumours say he's gone the way of Bette That Charming is a double murd'rer, yet This would seem unlikely, had he not been banned From his own castle, and thus fled the land Where he was born. Apparently he were Seen riding o'er the borders on a bear." Oh, brother, it would be dramatic if You came back here, though banished, for a tiff. space(enter Prince Charming and Boleti) Well, whaddaya know! | ||||||||
| L: Straight face From previous furcation 12 | ||||||||
| Bear ... Arsed | ||||||||
| M: What is the true meaning of the Let Me Chekhov My Oats Interface? From previous furcations 13 & 20 | ||||||||
| Graziela: (to the mysterious stranger, Bert)Are you Bert? Bert: I don't know. Are you Bert? All: Nope. Bert: Then by process of elimination, I am Bert. Similarly, I fancy a steaming bowl of porridge. space(exit Boleti, to get porridge) Azulejo: Why are you wearing one shoe? Bert: Why are you wearing two? Azulejo: To warm my feet! Bert: Why, that's the reason I wear mine! Graziela: Why have you one foot uncovered? Bert: So as not to trample oats. If an oat burns in a field where no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? space(enter Boleti) Boleti: My lords and ladies, through the kitchen window I saw every last field of oats aflame! Bert: Were a bear to run through a flaming field of oats fast enough, could it remain unsinged? Gadzooks! What is that? space(exit Bert, chased by a bear) Boleti: Would porridge extinguish a flaming field of oats? Prince Charming: It is our last hope... | ||||||||
| N: MC, Vanilla From previous furcation 16 | ||||||||
| Home at Goodge Street, of course, but after that farkle, I'll avoid a Great Bear Shift and play Chalfont & Latimer | ||||||||
| O: The eternal panto season we know as 'Oh Yes It Is!' continues - featuring Douglas Smith wearing a Cartier bracelet From previous furcations 14 & 15 & 21 | ||||||||
| Douglas Smith: I, Douglas Smith, dressed up in 'comedy damsel' style, with pink Prada party frock and blonde wig carelessly bodged together from a B&Q mop. I stride forward confidently in my bright pink Hush Puppies (stride, stride, stride), my Slazenger tennis ball breasts humorously bobbing up and down (yoingg, yoingg, boungg). Prince Charming: New balls please? I couldn't lever a joke in here even with a Black and Decker Workmate attachment. Douglas Smith: I deliver, by UPS, my line: 'Save me, for I have run out of Wrigley's Orbit chewing gum! I long for its seven spearmint strips with xylitol for healthier teeth! Help. Someone help! Then I laugh coquettishly, proving I am as thick as a Tesco's Strawberry milkshake: tee hee, tee hee, ho. Ha. Prince Charming: I've heard more convincing laughs from this audience tonight! Hang on! (raises hand over eyes) If I'd had my Oakley's on I would've seen it sooner! A shape on the horizon! Douglas Smith: My, it is a funny shape! Titter! space(enter angry bear, stage left. It snarls at Douglas Smith) Douglas Smith: Eek. Eek, aargh. Help. space(exit Douglas Smith, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| P: Seen any good films recently? The fag ends of previous furcation 17 | ||||||||
| Bought The Matrix: Reloaded on DVD yesterday. Haven't watched it yet, but it seemed pretty darn good when I saw it at the cinema in May. | ||||||||
| Q: Jet Set Willy From previous furcation 22 | ||||||||
| Erm... I can | ||||||||
| R: Small HYPEarthquakes From previous furcation 23 | ||||||||
|
Apologies for any typos, errors, etc, but after 18 hours of work (yeah, I took my time over it), when the HTML checker spat it back in my face twice I failed to care any more!
Now let the criticisms (though hopefully more moves as well, as this could be the start of the end game) begin!
Now let the criticisms (though hopefully more moves as well, as this could be the start of the end game) begin!
[rab] Well, it was your table I hijacked and repainted...
Needless to say, the fault was in the repainting (didn't close a font color="white" tag)
Needless to say, the fault was in the repainting (didn't close a font color="white" tag)
[Tuj] A deeply impressive début.
Bravo Tuj!
Ah, a lawsuit.
Going to hire your wife as your lawyer?
So, any takers on a next move?
Go on, you know you want to.
Go on, you know you want to.
I think, nominally, it's matt's turn. *tumbleweed*
I'm still working on it, but too busy for the next couple of weeks.
I also think that it's nominally my turn, but I'm not going to be taking it just now so if anyone else wants to weigh in, please do.
I'm just hoping that my next move happens to coincide with the Christmas break so I can have an excuse for not talking to my family. (Apart from the fact that I'm a curmudeonly old cove).
[rab] I think it's your go. [Tuj] You didn't answer my charade. And what happened to the Celeb Commentary? Or was that the bear?
[MF] Really? If I recall it went matt, me, you, Tuj ... so certainly matt has to play before me, unless he bows out.
I thought it went me, [anyone], [someone else], me... so as to avoid any one person monopolising the game by playing every other move
Oh.
[MF] Your charade baffled me, and considering it went into the dramatisation, they couldn't guess it as it wasn't in the play before. Accusation 2 also denied: the celebrity commentary (which I didn't fully understand) became celebrity commentary in the OK! magazine read by Meediam in strand K (the article being about notable celebrity Prince Charming).
Completely, badger-buggeringly, insane.
Bravo!
Mornington Crescent?
No. Projoy's working on a move, and if you want to be taken seriously you should tell us who you are.
[rab] Projoy's doing one? Joy!
[Suggestion to Suggestion] Clear orff, the bloodlust is clouding your vision!
[Suggestion to Suggestion] Clear orff, the bloodlust is clouding your vision!
[Tuj] He muttered something along those lines in the Pilgrim's game at Orange. However, the proof, as they say, will be in the synthetic whipped-cream dessert.
If someone doesn't move soon, I'm going to claim a win. Tuj's move was illegal.
I am not, by the way, Suggestion
Why was it illegal? I take that as an insult of a very personal nature, and that's before you've evenexplained why.
I didn't create the celeb commentary for my health, you know. Saying you didn't understand it isn't good enough. I suggest you put it back in.
Yes, I am working on a move. This process has so far consisted of conceiving the correct form for it. I'm bored with tables and Good HTML, and besides, one of Martha's initial reverse comments to Projoy implied that it would be an attempt to reunify all the strands, a promise I intend to fulfil. In addition I need to learn a bit of Korean, and, being me, add an impossible new set of things to do.
And you'll get a pat on the back and a hearty well done if you do. And what greater incentive could there be?
I shure hope Projoy is working on a move, as I'm currently testing an improved HTML checker (with integral visual tag jiggler) which I hope to put online in the next couple of days. Should help with those lengthy submissions.
*completely gratuitous posting alert* What a mouth-watering prospect! A lengthy submission by Projoy, aided by a rab's tag jiggler.
Yes, as soon as this panto is over...
Although I can't necessarily promise something really profound for your jiggler to get its teeth into.
[rab, Tuj et al] To be honest, the only reason I've got it in for this game is because I don't understand it. And suggestions are, in the grand tradition of life, there to be ignored :) And the day I am taken seriously is the day I may have to shuffle off this mortal coil. Would anyone like to explain the game for me?
Simple. 'A' plays a move. 'B' plays a more complicated move. Continue until someone's head explodes.
My head exploded after the fifth move....
Read, tried understanding, failed.
It helps if you read from the birth...
...and of course bear in mind that this game was actually played the first time in special conditions in 1953. It is now being spooled out with the moves in reverse order for your amusement. The reason for the current seeming long gap is that at this stage in 1953 the original Dr Heinz Tuj died of syphalis when it was his turn. The others therefore used transcripts of what he had said previously to piece together a final (or initial, as it is being reproduced backwards) move for him. Now read on.
Ohhhh, so that's what this game is! I thought it was just a two-stranded MC game. Brilliant stuff, everyone. I particularly like the reunifying aspect.
I may make a move at some point in the future (I take it's not going to go away too soon) but not at all imminently. (It's a bit disturbing that I missed Acre Street whilst away from MC, isn't it?)
I may make a move at some point in the future (I take it's not going to go away too soon) but not at all imminently. (It's a bit disturbing that I missed Acre Street whilst away from MC, isn't it?)
OK, I give up. Life is just not long enough.
Me too....
I'm still working on a move (honest, just started again). Should I try and reunify everything, or is anyone else out there still planning to move?
Do what you like... and a new move might act as a fillip to re-enter the play!
That's what I thought... I hope that the end is not nigh!
Well, I was almost ready to give up the ghost with Projoy and rab, but if Brendan is willing to breathe new life into this game then who knows? And at least it will mean we don't have to enter into the nightmare of a judicial review to decide whether Martha or Tuj takes the prize.
Herewith my humble offering; I've managed to unify several of the theatrical strands, though in the process I've had to force their non-play subcomponents off into other furcations, which may create a few instabilities here and there ...
Many thanks to everyone who's played up to now, but especially matt, whose idea to deal with the theatrical superabundance I have shamelessly stolen.
Anyone perplexed by furcation xi), just play Covent Garden or Perivale.
| i) Ensemble Celebrity Commentary non-theatrical component of previous furcation K | Since Tuj atomised the celeb commentary by including it in a play, it looks like the only way to resolve the impasse is to have a different commentator for each move. To that end, this move's celebrity commentary will be provided by ... the characters from Little Britain | Tom Baker (VO): But what is the people of Little Britain? Who be they? What strategies do they employ in overcomplicated games of Mornington Crescent? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ii) Six Film and Crescent Styles in Search of a Chairman in which the theatrical elements of previous furcations A, C, E, G, I and K are crudely welded together | [All suddenly find themselves on a featureless white plain -- or possibly in a featureless white room, it is impossible to tell] Graziela (Euripidean version): Aye, King Syze, I am here, to take away the life you hold so dear! Graziela (Pinterian version): Well, I'm fucking well here as well. But where the buggery is here? Graziela (Orton version): Not a clue, but I do know where the buggery is. Graziela (Sheridan version): This utterly unanticipated turn of events leaves me distressingly discombobulated! Graziela (Williams version): Ah jest don' have the faintest idea what's goin' on. Graziela (Molière trans. Bartlett version): Events indeed are at a pretty pass/when stranded in limbo is this 'ere lass! King Syze: Oh, do stop talking to yourself, Graziela! Someone tell me what the hell's going on here! Azulejo: Sire, it appears that we have become trapped inside a game of Film and Crescent Styles. Lady Thick: Well, in that case shouldn't there be someone in charge? King Syze: (coughs loudly) Lady Thick: Erm, not that you're not, of course, my dear King Syze. King Syze: Yes, thank you. But you speak the truth; we needs must find a chairman. Meediam: Perhaps Clive Anderson is nearby. Boleti: What about Nicholas Parsons? Graziela: (all six of whom have unified into one being while we weren't looking) Or maybe Nigel Rees? King Syze: Control yourself, Graziela! There's no need for such desperation yet. Azulejo: Sire! I dimply perceive, by some preternatural sense, that beyond this game is another, of which this one we now inhabit is but a fraction; games upon games stretching into infinity like -- Humph: (wakes, startled; honks his rubber trumpet thing) Right, that's quite enough of that metafictional round. The next style is Gilbert and Sullivan. | Vicky Pollard: Yeah, but no, but yeah; I mean, I know I was supposed to learn the lines for the school play but Tanya -- not Tanya who was going out with Michael but dumped him for David because she said he was better at snoggin' -- not her, the ugly Tanya who I think's a lezzer but she says she ain't -- she told me that the play had been cancelled so I didn't think I 'ad to, did I?, and I know Michaela says it was 'cos I was getting off with Michael what Tanya had just dumped -- not ugly Tanya, the other one, of course it couldn't have been ugly Tanya, 'cos she's a lezzer, in't she, so how could she have dumped him? durr! -- and by the way, David is better at snoggin' than him, but of course Tanya -- not ugly Tanya -- doesn't know I know that, and you mus'n't tell her, but anyway, it's not 'cos I was snoggin' him that I didn't learn the lines, and you shouldn't listen to Michaela anyway 'cos she's cross-eyed in both eyes. Don't give me evils! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iii) Spanklines the continuation of B | Start up the stuffing removal machine. What's black and white and red all over? | Des Kaye: My jokes were much better than that when I was on the telly. Wikki Woo! Des can't hear you! Wikki WOO!! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iv) Carpe Diem the furtherance of furcation D | Only a schmuck sets lights to his farts in a diesel vehicle Veni, vidi, vici | Dame Sally Markham: Are you getting all this down, Grace? "He looked into her eyes and said, 'Have you ever read Caesar's commentaries on the Gallic Wars, my dear? I find them quite inspiring. Let me read them to you!' He took the book from the shelf and opened it. '"All Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgae inhabit ..."'" You can find the rest on the shelf, Grace. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| v) Just a Late Review F meets the non-theatrical components of A | Mark Lawson: I'd like to start tonight's show by reading a brief statement prepared by the BBC's lawyers. It was wrong of me to unleash a bear on Germaine Greer on last week's edition of the show, and I apologise whole-heartedly to for any suffering and distress that may have been caused both to Germaine and any viewers at home of a nervous disposition. Further, please do not copy my example at home; I am a trained bear handler and unleasher. Germaine Greer: Thank you, Mark. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you; it was just all that testosterone in your bloodstream. Male humans really are much more worthwhile individuals they get taken over by their hormones, you know. In fact I've recently written a book about that very subject-- Tom Paulin: Here, if she's allowed to plug her book, I should get a chance to promote my epic poem about World War Two. Mark Lawson: Except that I haven't tried to kill you recently, Tom. Tom Paulin: Oh, right so. Mark Lawson: Moving on to tonight's programme, first we look at the film version of the long-running musical Chicago. Tom, what did you think? Tom Paulin: That Catherine Zeta Jones is a bit of all right, isn't she? Renee Zellweger, not so much, but you would, wouldn't you? Mark Lawson: Thank you, Tom. Germaine? Germaine Greer: I really liked it actually. My favourite bit was the opening sequence in the club, when Catherine Zeta Jones sang that number that went a little something like this: [Germaine unexpectedly stands up, revealing that she is wearing a short skirt, suspenders and dancing shoes. To the visible surprise of Mark and Tom, she mounts the table and begins to sing] C'mon babe Why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down And the totality of the aforementioned musical form Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl And each improvised melody! Oh, you will see thy sheba Shimmy shake And large quantities of syncopated rhythms Oh, she's destined to shimmy till her garters break And excessive amounts of freeform tunes Show her where to park her girdle Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle If she'd hear Her baby's queer For the entirety of the tunes played by Louis Armstrong and similar performers! No, I'm no one's wife But, oh I love this life And the sum total of the music which originated in the southern United States in the late 19th/early 20th century! [Germaine sits back down] Tom Paulin: Well, of course, pen would never say that to Blob, even in reverse. Mark Lawson: Quite. | Jason: (mouth hangs open speechlessly watching Germaine's performance) Gary's Nan: What is it, dear? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vi) Two Bakers not Colin and Tom, but rather the application of Tuj's preparation H | Pass Damn! | Bernard Chumley: Well, of course I played Holmes once, you know. After a fashion. Basil Rathbone was ill and I stood in for him in a long shot. Kitty has one of those videos of it, she's very fond of showing people that sequence ... I didn't kill her, you know. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vii) 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate the remnants of E bolted onto J | FUNCTION THE FOURTH: Interrogation/Torture device. Need I say more? | Marjorie Dawes: Hands up who can tell me what the dieter's best friend is. Anyone? No? It's tastelessness. T-A-I-S-T-L-I-S-N-I-S, tastelessness. If something is tasteless, you don't want to eat very much of it. Ryvita, for example. That tastes of cardboard. Not like choklit. Oooh, I love a bit of choklit. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| viii) Straight Bollocks the dangly bits left over from I attached to L | Erect ... Bollards | Emily Howard: No, I don't have any of those. You see, I'm a lady! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ix) A fly on the wall of the Let Me Chekov my Oats interface asks stupid questions the remains of C buzz into M | [Graziela, Boleti et al sit in the charred ruins of their house. A fly buzzes overhead.] Fly: 'Ere, what happened to the fields? Graziela: Burnt. Burnt to ashes, each last one, alas. And brave Prince Charming perished attempting to spread porridge on the fields. Fly: And the fire caught the village too? Boleti: It did, indeed. And yet we are mysteriously unharmed despite being caught in the conflagration. Fly: That was going to be my next question. Is it a metaphor? [Bert enters, now utterly shoeless] Bert: I assume so. My pursuit by the bear indicated my flight from my own destiny, so the burning fields must be the destruction of all our hopes and dreams, and the talking fly -- wait a second, what does the talking fly represent? Fly: Erm, Jeff Goldblum's willingness to do the film? [Exit fly, pursued by a metaphor] | Lou: I want those oats. Andy: These ones? But you don't like these ones. You said they had a texture like sandpaper. Lou: Yeah, I know. I want those ones. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| x) Vanilla MC furcation N continues on its merry way | Marble Arch, if only to avoid ending up knee-deep in strick. | Ray McCooney: Well, maybe I'm in strick and maybe I'm not, aye ... (plays panpipes) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xi) Gallifrey Crescent a new furcation, splitting off from x) | In honour of the new series, straddles to other programmes written by Russell T Davies or starring Christopher Eccleston are wild (thus making The Second Coming doubly wild, which could make for interesting paratheological play). Marb Station, perhaps not the most logical of places to preserve civilisation for the rest of eternity but never mind. | Myfannwy: Oh look, Daffyd, there's a Doctor Who convention in the village hall this weekend ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xii) Oh Yes It Is A Cartier Bracelet! (only £1999.99+P&P) O, furcation O! | Dragon: Well, thank Mark Lawson's Bears 'R' Us for that. Prince Charming: Prepare to die, Dragon, as I draw my Wilkinson Sword! Mrs Dragon: Not a pork sword? Prince Charming: This is all getting very inter-furcational. Mrs Dragon: Oh no, I can't believe it's not butter! Prince Charming: Oh yes, it is available at this low low price for one week only at your local Tesco. Dragon: Shut up, you two. You can't slay me with a razor, however well manufactured, you silly prince! I'll burn you alive with my fiery breath! Mrs Dragon: That's very unhealthy, dear; you should let me use my George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine on him. Though, you know, love, you could do with a shave ... Dragon: (strokes his chin) I suppose you're right. There's enough Whiskas here to feed an army of even the choosiest cats. Tell you what, prince boy, you give me a shave and I'll promise to lay off pillaging the kingdom for at least a decade. There's plenty of wild sheep and goats in the Eastern Mountains I could eat. Prince Charming: But that's a ridiculous plan! What will everyone back at the castle think when I tell them? Mrs Dragon: Oh, Prince Charming, ridicule is nothing -- [Curtain comes down as fast as possible to avert impending musical number] | Dennis Waterman: Pantomime? Jeremy Rent: Yes, Dennis, pantomime. Dennis Waterman: Not telly then? Jeremy Rent: No. Dennis Waterman: Are they going to have a theme toon for the pantomime? Is that why they want me? Write the theme toon, sing the theme toon ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiii) Sound charaded any good films lately? the previous P wedded to the non-theatrical elements of G | [Martha] Is your sound charade To Kill a (Tequila) Mockingbird? Or something else to do with spirits? [Tuj] I was disappointed by Reloaded, to the extent that I haven't even bothered to see Revolutions, though I'm sure I'll catch it eventually. (Your embedded sound charade is Ben Hur, I take it?) Tell you what, though, I'm looking forward to seeing this film (four words) when it comes out in a few weeks: Minotaur: Hi Medusa! You're looking stunning, at least as far as I can tell from my mirror. Medusa: Thanks! You're looking fairly horny yourself. But if I'm looking good, it's probably because I've just been to see Polyphemus. Minotaur: Oh, yes, he's set himself up in business as a hairdresser since that unfortunate business with Odysseus, hasn't he? Medusa: He's remarkably good at it considering his blindness, but of course that suits me. Anyway, my hair had been floppy and lifeless, and it turned out to be because most of the snakes had snuffed it. But he chopped them all off and the remaining ones look much healthier. Minotaur: So you're saying you've been ...? | April: Mental block? Extra strong mint! Neville: Er, I don't think extra strong mints can help with sound charades ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiv) Jet Set Willy I'll try to bring this furcation back in one piece, Q | The Banyan Tree | Daffyd: Jet Set Willy? What's that supposed to mean, eh? We don't want your sort around here! Everyone knows I am the only gay in Llandewi Brefi. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xv) Small Hypearthquakes previous furcation R, now with added recap |
| Sebastian: The Pope seems to be taking most of the heat from the papers today, Prime Minister! That must be a relief, they're so awful to you normally. I think you're wonderful, though, Prime Minister. The best Prime Minister ever! |
Anyone perplexed by furcation xi), just play Covent Garden or Perivale.
Wow! Many thanks for breathing some new life into the game. Having brought the amount of theatrical stuff down to a level I can actually cope with, I may consider re-entering the fray...
It's also just become clear how difficult Small Hypearthquakes is to finish...
Brendan] Quite excellently done! Furcations ix) and xi) I like particularly! May the game flourish once more!
It looks like I've not got much on over the Easter Weekend, so maybe I'll concoct an entry.
But then maybe I went walking instead :)
Could someone explain the HTML of this game to a humble brain such as I?
[ZK] It's beyond anything I would have the time to produce, but if you want to see how it works: right click on the page, select 'view source' and then play around with what that gives you.
[ZK] The main thing is the use of tables, which unfortunately is the one thing Dr Qu+xum's excellent HTML reference doesn't cover, despite its abundant use of them. I wrote a Perl script to generate the empty table, and then filled it in with the moves, but then I'm sad like that. Quite happy to provide you with a bespoke empty table if you like. (Can you tell I'm looking for work avoidance excuses?)
Very quick introduction:
Slightly more advanced stuff: The
Very quick introduction:
<table> starts a table, <tr> starts a row of a table and <td> starts an individual cell. As with most other tags inserting a slash in the appropriate place closes them off again. So a basic 2 row, 3 column table would be generated by:<table>
<tr>
<td>Cell 1</td><td>Cell 2</td><td>Cell 3</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Cell 4</td><td>Cell 5</td><td>Cell 6</td>
</tr>
</table>
which produces:| Cell 1 | Cell 2 | Cell 3 |
| Cell 4 | Cell 5 | Cell 6 |
Slightly more advanced stuff: The
<table> tag can include attributes like border, cellpadding and so on, which produce various different effects; these are the same sort of things as color=red in a font tag. Also of note are the colspan and rowspan attributes which can be applied to the td tag -- eg <td colspan=2> would make the cell it applied to double size. You can specify a bgcolor, one of the mainstays of this game, and the width attribute which says how much of the table each column should take up -- I think percentages are best from the point of view of cross-browser compatibility. And finally, this is the HTMLHelp.com entry on tables where they probably explain everything much better than I can.oooooooooooooooooooh :) *makes note to go and look and play about*
Ooh ooh! I get the sound charade! *feels slightly clever*
I think IMJ has the best way! For example, in my most recent (only) move, I merely did the view source, copied someone else's table and re-painted it on a trial and error basis...
Do we assume you have move? *feels excited*
Do we assume you have move? *feels excited*
*keeping the game alive*
anyone...?
anyone...?
My fault, got excited and put ZK off... Sorry!
I'd like to see everything reconverge in one glorious cry of MC, but it doesn't seem terribly likely at the moment.
Ah. Sorry about that. My summer's going to be somewhat busier than anticipated and I haven't got the hang of this one yet, so it may not be me this time after all *sobs*
It still worries me how much I disliked that game, and why I never participated... as well as the cringeworthiness of how I used to communicate in those days. A fine game, ZK, you ignore Blob, those are positive aspects!
I got splashed in the wood. Then I sat on a squrrel. It was red,purple,orange and green. Wake up you piece of blob. tim is a piece of the sheep game.
| 1 | Well, Brendan's attempt to unify so many massive games at once just led to a build-up of pressure in the Thalian ducts, leading to an explosion of film & crescent styles to contend with. Hence the wholesale takeover of the commentary by Characters from Under Milk Wood | ||||
| Theatrical Celebrity Commentary | |||||
| Continuing the timely revival of game 1 | First Voice: To begin at the beginning. It is summer, black moonless night as the dim, dark villagers scuttle in their coal-dark hovels this June 26th, the blue lilting lapping sea plashes across the tied-up trawlers, hauling the souls of four-fifty men each night from dark to dusk. The village between the wooded hill and the wine-dark sea settles into its nightly routine, bothered by unquiet thoughts of games beyond their ken | ||||
| 2 |
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| Gilbert & Sullivan | |||||
| as requested, a spin-off from Euripdes | Organ Morgan: Praise the Lord, we are a musical nation! Oh Bach fach, Bach every time for me, and then Palestrina, unless Polly Garter's singing at the Sailors Arms, which are always open for young Polly... | ||||
| 3 |
Michael Jackson when he got busted in his hotel room. (But hey, Busted were pretty embarrassed too) How do you worry a flock of sheep? |
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| Tasteless Spanklines | |||||
| unifying 3&7 | Mrs Organ Morgan: You haven't heard a word I've been saying, have you Morgan? It's organ organ all the time with you... [bursts into a midden of salty howling, spearing a doorstep of lamb and mint sauce and burying it whole] | ||||
| 4 |
|
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| Euripedes | |||||
| Continuing the Euripedean section of 2 | Gossamer Beynon: At last, my love! What else to do, standing in the wine-dark slaughterhouse, but dream of the cloudy future, waist-deep in entrails and chicken hearts? Long, long time to long for loose-limbed lovers, wasting away in the prison cage of Llaregyb [sighs like an aged cat] | ||||
| 5 | - Yaaargh! Is it the pig? | ||||
| Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak! | |||||
| New furcation | Mr Waldo: In Pembroke City ere I was big/ My work was poor and meek/ I had to climb on top of a pig/ And force it then to squeak/ And when it squoke the other boys/ All tried to guess if I/ Would guess who, by the horrible noise,/ Had stuck his thumb in its eye | ||||
| 6 |
|
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| Pinter | |||||
| Pinterian section of 2 | Sinbad Sailors: Here's to me, Sinbad, resting his sea-weary legs in the Sailors Arms, the clock stopped at half-past eleven, the cock stopped from crowing by Gossamer Beynon. Thinking of flies attacking bears attacking people down in England where these things happen as all the fishermen say. Time I had a jar | ||||
| 7 | This is a concept of breathtaking simplicity, so what happens is this. Imagine you're in a car travelling at the speed of light, and out of the window you see a footballer breaking the offside rule because the Higgs Boson is between him and the opposing team's goal. Well, obviously you'd slam on the brakes, which in this case can be referred to as Tune 1(a), the car representing Song 1 in its entirety. Then, and this is the clever bit... | ||||
| Describing One Song to the Tune of Another | |||||
| New furcation | Captain Cat: My blind eyes look out on a scene of confusion and fright, but never such confusion and fright as the floods that swamped the decks of the SS Kidwelly, the roaring seas that robbed and dismasted me, stole away young Jonah Jarvis, Curly Bevan, and Alfred Pomeroy Jones... | ||||
| 8 |
|
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| Ionesco | |||||
|
Ba | Mary Ann Sailors: Call me Dolores like they do in the stories. Seems everyone gets married but me, I care for sailors up in my room but I can't pin em down like old Rosie Probert. 34 Duck Lane in the spring of my old age. Come on up boys, I'm dead | ||||
| 9 |
Row, paddle, scull your boat Gently down the stream Merrily happily jovially laughingly Life is but a dream
I dreamt a hallucination of two fine mousies,
Cut water, pull, run rapids in thy craft
Nevertheless, a single mus musculus said, "Let's leave these shores
Punt, stir the waters, attack the waves with the vessel belonging to yourself,
Those creatures drove and pulled without a care
Bing, bang, bongle, bump
The tiny mammals picked up their bodies from the awful fall
Heave, drag, draw the canoe belonging to the second person grammatically
The traditional laboratory experiments searched the dishes and tried to spot em,
Close, shut, stop one's nose,
|
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| Just a Minim meets Bagpuss | |||||
| Portions of 5 meet an all-new nostalgic feline | Ocky Milkman: Pouring out the gallons of curdified milk into the river Stream, think of the mice chewing poor old Mrs Cherry Owen's sheets to ribbons, where's that pink tortoiseshell cat got to, saw it lapping up the guts outside Butcher Beynon's one evening, never seen him since | ||||
| 10 |
|
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| Orton | |||||
| Ortonesque continuation of 2 | Rosie Probert: What man did you see / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / When you looked at the King / Long long ago? / What manner was he / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / Was he able to sing / With lute and bow? / Was he small as a pea / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / Did he marry a queen / Or don't you know? | ||||
| 11 |
And the next word is *DING* - Bollocks. Three definitions, only one of which is correct... [1.] Come with me if you will to the 17th century, when the cotton industry was in its infancy. Whole communities grew up and died depending on the yearly cotton crop, and superstitions were rife thoughout those villages. Often nothing could be gleaned from a whole field but a few useless strands, and the culprit was universally claimed to be the boll weevil - in fact the strands he left behind were taken to be his hairs. Hence the expression "we haven't got any cotton mate, all we've got is a load of boll-locks." [2.] Curiously, an American term adopted by English soldiers during the Revolution. They were given the task of imposing curfew within their captured territories to prevent the formation of militias, and were obliged to clear the parks, lock up the theatres and close the pubs. They did this last of all, as the villagers' billards matches, darts tournaments etc. could go on for ever, and they always got violent if they were broken up already. Which gave rise to the expression - "close all the theatres etc. but never mind the bar-larks" [3.] Early in the 20th century, Hilaire Belloc teamed up with Jackson Pollock to paint pictures of bullocks, and one or two molluscs. Along with little-known Austrian painter Paul Ochs, they played cricket with wooden balls, known as Bowl-Oaks, which led to the extinction of the Giant Auk - the last were called Ball-Auks. When these events were first reported, someone said "Oi! What a load of bollocks!" and the name stuck, mainly because there isn't a punchline
|
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| Call My Bluff | |||||
| New furcation meets game 8 | Jack Black: Ach y fi! Ach y fi! Oh I dream of picking the boll weevils out the cotton rows with Myfanwy Price at my side, then chasing her through the gooseberried double bed of the wood, dragging mw from the spitpenny hops of my nightmares... | ||||
| 12 |
|
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| Ibsen | |||||
| Sprung like a wild duck from the loins of Orton | Bessie Bighead: I am a footnote to the great irony of life, born in a pauper's grave, milking the cows with brown, oaky hands, burning old muxical instruments to keep myself from death each night, waiting, waiting for the Reverend Eli Jenkins to notice me one night at the back of the pew, where I have a blanket and Bible out ready for him | ||||
| 13 |
[Brendan] 3 words out of 4 right, very good! (This was much easier when I set it last year - you just need a synonym for "children" really). Is yours "Shaun of the Dead"? [Tuj] I thought Reloaded sucked, but then I wasn't too impressed with the first film either. Revolutions is a complete waste of time all round. If you want a good war film, go see Troy while it's still here. (And I know matt's likely to play next...)
[Purser's office, on a slow boat to China] |
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| Stupid questions, but sound charades | |||||
| Continuation of 13 and 9 | Mrs Pugh: What's that you're reading Mr Pugh? Are you reading at table again? Is that not what a pig does? Are you a pig Mr Pugh? Did you know Willy Nilly brought you a parcel this morning? Was it a trough? Will you go to Heaven if you read at table Mr Pugh? | ||||
| 14 |
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| Sheridanian Review of Sound Charades | |||||
| Dash of 2, squeeze of 5 | Mr Pugh: I will go to Heaven Mrs Pugh, as I'm reading the Lives of the Great Saints. I will shortly be adding my name to the book, as I intend to slaughter Tom Paulin with a meat cleaver. I would do the same to Mark Lawson but he's cameoing in some other game at present. And pigs can't read, my dear |
INTERMISSION Please purchase ice-creams from the foyer while I change the reel on the projector.
| 15 | I've come to watch pornography Quis condat legitime statuta in civitate | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Carpe Diem | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Continuing 4 | Curly Bevan: It was me who watched Nogood Boyo and Miss Price in Watkins' barn, auntie, and I pawned the ormolu clock before I set sail that night... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 16 |
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| Tennessee Williams | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The bits of 2 that aren't anything else | Gwennie: Boys boys boys, kiss Gwennie where she says, or give me a penny. Prince Charming can kiss me under the dragon at the hacienda. Unless he's a cowardy custard. And if he hasn't got a penny I'll have his bollocks for a pincushion | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 17 |
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| Late (very late) Review of Just a Minim | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| refurcation of 5 and, er, 5 | Polly Garter: I loved a man whose name was Mark / His hair was slick and his clothes were dark / Two yards long, like a bee he kissed / And his favourite film was The Exorcist / He argued loud and he had no fear / Of scary Germaine or Bonnie Greer / But the one I loved best awake or asleep / Was little Tom Paulin and he's six feet deep | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 18 |
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| Congreve | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Being an offshoot of the Williams | Lily Smalls: Where'd you get those bollocks Lily? Got em from Prince Charming, silly! Got em from a hairy beary, super strong and very scary. Give em to my two white mice. Paint spots on em to use as dice. Squeeze em till I hear em yell. Then give em back to southern Belle | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 19 | North Greenwich | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two Bakers | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The straightforward advance of 6 | Mog Edwards: Miss Price, I love you more than all the stars visible from the North Greenwich observatory as I've been told. More than flanelette and calico, candlewick, crash and merino. I'll take you to London I love you so much, and the tills of Harrods shall ring for our wedding | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 20 |
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| A Chekhovian interface with a Cartier bracelet | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eye of 9 and tongue of 12 | Butcher Beynon: Bess, that'd never happen to us. Not for us the rigours of starvation. All Llaregyb is sated with the blood of the butcher's and never asks where it all comes from. And now I'm off to feed the corgies, with my little cleaver... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 21 | Heathrow Terminal 4, using the Tissue Compression Eliminator to cut young master Tuj down to size, and decreasing Tardis Velocity in a dimensional trap | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10 simmered with the juice of 11 | Mrs Beynon: Oh Mr Beynon! Next you'll be telling me we're eating miniaturised aunts from the vice-dens of London! Oh I fear for this village indeed I do | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 22 |
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| Berkoff | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Not to be confused with Chekhov | Mrs Ogmore-Pritchard: Cwrw, the young of the day, what they need is the voice of the vacuum and the fume of polish. My virtuous polar sheets and iceberg-white teeth stand testimony to the goodness of self-discipline. Now Mr Ogmore Linoleum and Mr Pritchard, other one, give me your tasks in order | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 23 | Straightening... Bollocks | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A crude welding of 7&8 | Mr Ogmore: I must straighten my bollocks in the drawer marked 'Bollocks.' I must mend the Black&Decker which has a hole down the centre. I must take my balsam which makes everything tasteless. I must remove the 101 fleas on the dachshund by combing which is good for the dog. I must tell the workmate I will be delayed | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 24 |
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| Moliere (still the pisspoor Bartlett sacrilege) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The merest smidgen of what's left of 2 | Mr Pritchard: I must use the French polish on the grime-caked stair-rods. I must put on rubber gloves and repent of my misanthropic tendencies. I must attend the school for husbands which is good for me. I must drag the artistes down to the coal-hole | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 25 | Teleporting from Deserted Isle to Beam Me Down Spotty, to avoid the Attic attack | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jet Set and his Willy | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I couldn't get out of it | Mrs Dai Bread Two: I see an orangery. And now it's vanished. Ach, the mean old clouds. I see a master bedroom and a hat-bearing little man with big pink lips. He hums an air of Grieg. Now he is dying seven times in furious pain in the priest's hole. He has a wall-eye | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 26 |
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| Japanese No drama | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hurtling off from the strains of Moliere | Nogood Boyo: Would you like this stream-bedraggled kimono Mrs Dai Bread Two? It was I caught all day in the fast-flighting stream, politely writhing under my fishing tackle. Oh Mrs Bread. I want to be good Boyo, but nobody'll let me. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 27 | The frinting light beswam the trees As morning brought the brestling breeze When Stan the Brunter crocked his skin And saw the ranxing Tharl come in | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kandra Woods | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| New furcation | Willy Nilly: There's a letter come all the way from Kandra, Mrs Mae Rose Cottage. A ranxing Tharl wants a bed for the night so he can blinge the franking snurls and freem the slobolinks all day and all night. I promise he won't dirty the sheets. He only wants a single bed -- he says | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 28 | Scene 3. Enter two flies
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| Oh Yes It Is a Fly on the Wall! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two parts 12, the rest 9 | Alfred Pomeroy Jones: The flies are my only company, my only friends, the only ones to see my tattoos of mermaids, hear my twisted body crack with age and sea-water, feel my earth-wettened skin-hairs crawl with the movements of creatures outside my wood-rotting coffin | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 29 | Oh venerable Gazuga, thy smooth lizard warriors are as wild harts leaping over the mountains, basking only in thy radiance | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gazuga Worshipping | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| New, but very very old, furcation | Utah Watkins: Damn you, you damn gazuga! Get gone away from here you fat ugly wretch! Get him Harry you blind deaf dog! Sit on him, Daisy! Gallop him to death Swiveller! Fall on him you imperturbable clouds, you sky! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 30 |
Enter Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo and Chorus | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rice/Lloyd Webber | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jetting its way out of the realms of panto | Evans the Death: I remember it fifty years gone by, waking up in the snow-spattered village as the prince walked through, everyone in their finest frocks and fineries, dandied up like they'd be meeting their maker, then they caught a sight of his new princess in her shiny wig and earrings, let out a collective crow-splitting scream like the tide of the Apocalypse. Ach, I still wake up screaming to this night | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 31 |
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| Small HYPEarthquakes | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Continuing 15, in the vein it was intended (reading down as well as across) | Rev Eli Jenkins: I never claimed the Pope was myself. All I did was pray for the less than five hundred souls, neither bad nor good, of the village below Llaregyb Hill, until tomorrow when I begin again the corporal works of mercy by bringing jelly and poems to the sick and needy. Look you |
Well that's me out of a job . . .
Staggering stuffffff :-)
Gobsmacking. The Berkoff and Rice/Lloyd Webber are especially hilarious, and I love the infections between games. As far as I'm concerned, you win.
You'll notice the plays are all converging on a common ending, though...
...oh and thanks!
MF] nice one... Who's next?
will someone please explain to me what this is all about? I just stumbled on this site while looking for something completely unrelated. It is the strangest site I have ever seen. Please enlighten me. Thank you.
MF] I'd like to apologise for the somewhat blaze statement of appreciation above. Now, I'd rather say: WOW! I've just read the whole thing through again, and it's just so nicely crafted... not so sure on the 'common ending' theme, which seems to be "There's gonna be a wedding, and the King might leave/be replaced". Oh, and even then 6, 8, 14 and 20 can still be set aside. It's the way the number of furcations doubled with barely a bat of an eyelid...
Basically, I'm starting to plan a move, unless someone else already is? If so, best luck to 'em. If not, I'll get right to it.
Basically, I'm starting to plan a move, unless someone else already is? If so, best luck to 'em. If not, I'll get right to it.
Thanks for the blaze of glory. If I said what I had in mind as the common ending, it'd probably spoil it for everyon, so here goes... Graziela marries somebody in every play, including 6, 8 and 20. (14 doesn't really count as a play.) I thought, if she does one long speech about "I'm pleased to be getting married", unifying all the styles in some way, it'd do to make the various threads coalesce into a final ending. Hope that doesn't sound too prescriptive, though. I had matt's idea for the final final ending in the back of my mind as well
What was matt's one? Yours seems good, as mine was really just "turn it all into Shakespeare" (due o the great weight of literature of course. Oh, but 20's definitely still separate, mainly 'cause its my favourite. And I've written one's including Furcations 6 and 8 too. And I was going to cross-breed 22 and 30, but I'm not so sure now...
Or should I say "turn it all into Shakespeare" (due to the great weight of literature of course, not 'cause it's easiest).
| A | Celebrity Commentary: the Good, the Bad and the Tasteless. An amusing diversion to enhance appreciation of furcations | 1, 3 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Stop waffling and just f___in get on with it! | I'm not quite sure how I didn't understand the concept of Celebrity Commentary in my previous move. Anyway, to make it up to Martha Farquar (who was quite dismayed, shall we say), this'll have 2 lots (on the DVD release, not included in special features on VHS). The 'celebrity' part now also comprises the half of previous furcation 3 which isn't now part of Furcation E, namely the tasteless bit: Ozzy Osbourne of course! And the 'commentary' bit, to counteract such forces of evil and darkness, will be provided by Test Match Special. Play on... | Radio 4 Announcer: Well, those of you wishing to continue listening to Insomniac's... sorry, Woman's Hour, that'll now be on FM only. For listeners on long wave, here's Test Match Special. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| B | Drama: Shakey Shakespeare The saga continues; bring on the iambic pentameter! | 2, 4, 8, 10, 12, 16, 18, 22, 24, 28... 30 to follow | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's the whole f___in problem with theatre: a bunch of f___in ponces prancin about speakin in words you can't f___in understand! Eh? It's not the only thing to lose the f___in plot though... | [Intermission, during which rab juggles reels of film while penelope and Blob perform the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketchScene 5 or lessAt Castle Drogo, where a dual wedding ceremony and a coronation have just taken place. All characters are present, and seated at a huge banquet table.Excuse me, for I've swallowèd a fly [Coughs up fly] Ah, there, it clears; I am not going to die! Now I am unaccustomed to such speech, The marriage bed awaits, the curse is dead [Chorus: "Curse is dead!"] Indeed, King Syze hath taken Hymen's vows Le Roi se meurt? Vraiment, le roi se meurt. And also, by coicidence it seems As if by some collective destiny We'd've ockerpied a ranch left ba the King. [sighs] Tha' you'd've married Meediam as well. [shifty eyed look]
Hath taken root in other wand'ring story As if destiny and love were congregating Now let us go disport ourselves with bear baiting! Not like fucking old times; this is living! We've wedding gifts! Best fucking part of being wed Come play with toastrack or this bloody sack instead! [proffers sack marked "OATS"] It's fair to say the testing times are gorne Enjoy it! Don't reflect on such crimes as That murd'rous duel in which I slew Bette Bourne.
For your opinion is not worth a jot! It's not panto! I won't tell you again! [An awkward moment, then enter Chorus. Band strikes up for musical-style finale piece] | Henry Blofeld: You join us here on the final day of this five day drama, plenty of people in fancy dress around, oh look, one chap's come dressed as a bear! How lovely. A full field of well-wishers, ranging from mid-off to deep mid-wicket, with the best man NIT Boleti at backward short leg and bridesmaids at extra cover. Here comes the bride now! And what excellent delivery she has! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| C | Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak The hills are alive with the sound of squeaking. | 5 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Sharon! Sharon! The f__in pig's squealin again! | *sound of frantic squeals, probably porcine* | Jonathan Agnew: Some sort of disturbance at the edge of the field... well, someone's let a pig onto the pitch, here come the stewards to deal with it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| D | Drama: Pinter? What's wrong with combining Pinter and bloody stupid questions? | 6, 13 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Eh? What the f___? | [exit Barry] | Blowers: Oh look, an aeroplane, our first of the day. A slow-medium aeroplane, coming in from the third man boundary, isn't that fascinating? Sir Viv Richards: Err, haven't they just taken a wicket Henry? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| E | Carpe Spanklines A gruesome hybrid whereby age-old jokes have new punchlines translated from foreign tongues. | 3, 15 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Why did the chicken cross the road? Je ne sais f___in pas! | Conduct a quiz on legal statutes involving sieves. Well, that'd worry most sheep) | Aggers: ¿Cómo es eso? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| F | Ionesco's Cat The dregs of a previous drama collide head-on with feline nostalgia. | 8, 9 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___- GRROOAR!! | Right, this'll show 'em. I've been doing my best recently, I've been shedding my hairs everywhere, especially on the King's spare robes. Oh, and I scratched every last cushion on his throne. Funny, though, none of the people in the castle seem to care any more - and I'm sure I've seen some hair and scratches that weren't mine. And more flies... Still, you can't beat some good old-fashioned midnight yowling. I'll just squat in this corridor and MeeeooooewGRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! | Blowers: In comes the bowler, bowls, and... oh that's a lovely shot, placed carefully through the field but with the strength of a bear. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| G | Call My 101 Uses For A Black And Decker Workmate Exactly what it says on the tin. Can you figure out what it's for? | 11, 23 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: As I get older, I find a Black and f___in Decker Workmate id the best f___in way to get the head off of a f___in bat before I can f___in chew it. |
Christopher Martin- Jenkins: I say, I remember down at Sussex one season, the stumps were caught under the heavy roller, totally destroyed. Or at least one would have thought. But this clever lad, you see, Johnny I think his name was, had one of those new-fangled Black and Decker Workmate things, and he was able to straighten them up again! Mind you, Sussex lost. I was most peeved. | | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| H | Sheridian Sound Charades: Late Review | 13, 14 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Tuj is the worst f___in Sound Charader I've ever f___in seen! He can never f___in guess anything! | [Cut to King Syze, holding a cardboard cut-out of a screen surroud in front of him. The camera pans in slightly, attempting to give the impression we are in fact seeing an image of King Syze on an expensive laser display board] [Cut to Poor John Lovelie as he enters, brandishing a small bowl of custard, from which a low rumbling emanates] | Sir Viv: Yes, well, we had a good time watching a Sheridan play during my last English tour. Still, de language was a little convoluted, no-one talks that way any more, eh Henry? Blowers: Of course not, my dear old thing! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I | Farmyard Film Club A brand new furcation, where the panellists must devise film titles to amuse shepherds, farmhands and the like. But not bears. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___in ell, no more animals! | Firstly, the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle The Germinator. | CMJ: I say, what a terrible pun! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| J | Describing One Song To The Tune Of Another with the help of a Cartier Bracelet Humph rambles on, but what's that on his wrist? | 7, 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh FCUK! | ...as the car in front is a Toyota, and therefore Tune 2a, then the removal of the engine of Volkswagen 1a is analogous to the second, or 'other' tune, as played by Colin Cellnet on his Steinway. Of course, I'm sure you're all now thinking 'Where do Black and Decker Workmates or Jacob's Creek wines come into this?' Instead I'm going to answer the question 'Who removes the engine?' Well, personally I'd take the car to Kwikfit to have this done, mainly as it's next door to the One Stop where I buy my Polo mints and a copy of the Independent anyway. However, maybe you know of a Seat garage by the Safeway's where you get some Carlsberg and the Radio Times, but ideally that's beside the point. Don't forget that the main concept to be grasped is... | Aggers: In comes the bowler, bowls to the new batsman... and he's out! Caught behind! And he's made a golden Toilet Duck! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| K | MC: Eleven Mover You know, there just wasn't enough Mornington Crescent being played here. Here's a little puzzler to keep the die-hard fans in. MC in 11, upon which this furcation is programmed to self-destruct. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___ Allbright's opening, what's wrong with f___in Seven Sisters? | Right, I'll set it up as a classic Chalk Farm '84, but with diagonals initially blocked under Najek's Construction so as to reduce the Freem Co-efficient sufficiently. And then Allbright's opening, Totteridge and Whetstone, and home at Goodge Street. | Blowers: I must say I'm not such an aficionado of such limited-overs competitions. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| L | The Oats / Chekhov Interface A disfurcation - previous drama strand #20 with a Cartier Bracelet forcibly removed. | 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I remember arguin with the other Sabbath guys about whether life is as futile as growing f___in oats in a minefield. Nothing I like more than a good f___in bowl of porridge. | [Bert and Graziela embrace] | Blowers: And the ball rolls over the boundary rope, and he has made a hundred! Quite splendid innings! And the crowd, to a man, rise and applaud, like a field of oats in the breeze! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| M | Four Jet Set Bakers Four Words. Two games. One furcation. | 19, 25 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's total f___in rubbish! | Back to Bathroom / Hammersmith | Blowers: Splendid! Oh I say! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| N | Late Review Does Just A Minim A response to all those people who saw Germaine Greer's performance in Brendan's move and shouted 'Encore!' | 17 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: It's nice to hear some f___in music for a change. I've had enough of my f___in daughter... sings like a cat in a f___in blender! | [Tom Paulin waves] Mark Lawson: And of course, as he's one of our critics, he has a certain arrogant streak, so he had to find an extremely difficult song. So, with the Barenaked Weasels, the Late Review house band, Tom Paulin will now perform a song called "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!" by the Barenaked Ladies. Enough is sufficient equals plenty or ample also adequate and abundant's same as necessary again I called your bluff 'cause you think you're so tough Because you can make enemies out of friends I am getting sleepy; I'm in your command Yes! Good!! Fine!!! I understand Indeed! Correct!! OK!!! I comprehend Over and above or higher which is more, also repeated, re-iterated, even recurring anew A fact is a truth or a reality, a certainty, nay an event, even an incident to misunderstand Repetition of suspicion Nearer and closer, less further or far, perhaps adjacent / adjoining to our demise Iteration of misgivings | Aggers: Interesting tactics from the captain here. Many criticise the selection of a relatively unknown song, but he seems to have pulled it off jolly well. Mind you, he's picked a song with triple repetition in the title, strings of six or seven repetitions... it even repeats the word 'repetition'! And of when your technique with the thesaurus is that good you can't really go wrong. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| O | Psycho Haiku Here that knotty question is finally answered: what do you get when you cross Japanese No Theatre with the lyric intensity of Just A Minim? The first letters of this haiku form the first line of another haiku. Not quite fractal complexity, but tricky nonetheless. | 17, 26 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: FFS. FF S, FFS, FFS. FFS. O f___! |
| CMJ: Not a country noted for its cricketing prowess, Japan. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| P | Gazuga-Worshipping Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent I'll explain this slowly. The game we all know and love, with a Gallifrean twist, and then played while worshipping Gazuga. | 21, 29 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I wish I'd been f___in christened Martha Farquar! | Time to flee from Martha Farquar's trap to a location nearer the interstitial time delay helix, namely Westminster, but Frau Farquar shall feel the wrath of Gazuga soon enough. By the way, are cybermen wild? They are no match for Gazuga's mighty lizard hordes. | Blowers: I say, who is this Gazuga chap? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Q | Kandra Woods Continuing frumitious (and indeed frumtious) verse. | 27 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I saw a f___in Tharl once. I think I was stoned at the time. Can't f___in remember. | "A Tharl!" he thunked, "In Kandra Woods!" "And ranxing as though in its proods!" So to his nurlsome pack he made To divestile his taunic blade. | Aggers: There's still a long-running debate about the use of Tharls outside the limited-over games, but personally I think it should be allowed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| R | Maximum High-Speed Reverse Obliterate Ruttsborough's Ostrich "Maximum of 5 moves: starting with the ostrich, lose it. Go!" | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___in ell! A f___in ostrich on the Tube? This is good f___in stuff! | And after that devastating pincer attack (reminiscent of Projoy himself) I have the ostrich pinned at Homerton. Huzzah! | Blowers: Oh I say, a most excellent ostrich capture, rather reminiscent of Sir Viv Richards! Sir Viv: Of course, de ostriches we used were smaller. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| S | Ever-Decreasing HYPEarthquakes A change of direction, but essentially the same game. | 31 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Is it my f___in eyes, or are there 32 headlines on this f___in newspaper? |
| Blowers: And that's the last ball of the day. A level match so far? Sir Viv: Even stevens. Blowers: What will the papers tomorrow make of it? Sir Viv: Mountains out of molehills, probably. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Well, I'm quite pleased just that that worked, and for the loss of just one /font tag in furcation G. Not bothered by the quality (or otherwise) of the move, but the table's nice.
Bzzzt! Repetition of 'OR' in the HYPEarthquakers...
[Shurely 'Congratulations'? -- Ed.]
Well, that wasn't worth the effort.
*looks in, falls over, crawls out*
*copies boolbar*
Bool, AP] Chickens! Come in, the water's lovely!
I think I'm prepared to have a bash at sound charades, but I don't know how to hide it. Don't wish to spoil it for other MCers...
Nice move, Tuj, and thanks for writing a sound charade I can guess for next time. Now I wish I'd smuggled a few characters into the other games too!
Who's next?
Who's next?
MF] Nice to see you back here - taking you to be the resident drama instigator! All OK then? Sadly the only sound charades I'm capable of producing are easy ones... Still, I hope you don't want to disqualify my move this time around...
Oh, and did I mention the reason there are two celebrity commentaries is 'cause I missed it out last time, for your appeasement?
Oh, and did I mention the reason there are two celebrity commentaries is 'cause I missed it out last time, for your appeasement?
Consider me appeased. Though I reckon the Eleven Mover strand's a bit optimistic! The Celeb Commentaries are definitely the most frustrating bit, though, taking the longest to write and without much hope of being read. (Which is why I introduced them :o) And I agree this game isn't worth the effort
Hang about, did you change my HYPEarthquakes move?
MF] I tweaked the "FOR" to "FOURSOME". A tabloid stole your broadsheet's headline actually... Well, it still makes sense reading down, and it was all that was stopping me starting the decreasing feature, so I reckoned it was a typo (erm...). I reckon it may well be worth the effort, as with the drama cut down considerably (and potentially merging with Just A Minim), it'll condense. And maybe the Celeb Commentary'll get scythed too...
I think the main problem is finding someone to play the next move. I'll remain willing subsequently (and hopefully you), but someone else just needs to give it a go...
I think the main problem is finding someone to play the next move. I'll remain willing subsequently (and hopefully you), but someone else just needs to give it a go...
But "Pope not qualified or celibate except for some..." makes at least as much sense as "Pope not qualified or celibate except foursome some..."
Nuh-uh. The headline reads "Pope not qualified or celibate except foursome." Half of the headlines have narrow extra columns denoting that they are finished. Maybe that doesn't show up for you as it does from where I can see...
*popping in to say 'hello' to the furcation game*
*Pops in to say hello to Chalky and the furcation game*
*groans - "somebody help me! waste all your time playing me! help!"*
*chops Furcation Game into two*
How ironic...the furcation game has been furcated.....
*pops in, looks around, falls over, gets up, goes out again.*
fuck our goverment it is going to shit your friend bush
Airway? Breathing? Circulation?
[rab] Aer Lingus, heavily, and poor through rush hour. sorry.
Could this game apply for a special visa, Mr Blunkett?
Can't see a problem with that. coat!
We'll put 'er in cold storage while the visa application goes through. Eet's all going to plan, maaster...
What, with a good 'ole Mornignton Crescent 2000 Deluxe Refrigerator Unit? Don't worry, she'll be back.
Hahaha... You can't spell Mornington Crescent!! Oh wait, that was me... p155
*rolls tumbleweed*
*sound of a stiff breeze whirling round a canyon*
can I kill this now? *sharpens knife*
You can try.
nights, rab] Aww, come on, all it needs is a little love! There's not even all those drama threads wafting around, an' if you wriggle out of the celeb commentary and mash together another couple of threads it's barely any work at all! Thinks: maybe I could make another move, send it in a brown envelope to someone else, and they could play on!
[Tuj] Fear not. My last comment should have a dangling '...but it won't work' attached to it.