Buttering you toast - someone used this as a sexual reference...and I'm dying to find out what it means...

I believe it involves a greased lemon.

[Raak] righhhttt....

Bit of a messy entry there. Thanks for clearing it up, Raak.

Buttering you (sic) toast. Simply means spreading a sort of emulsion made from the scum that floats to the top of a certain farmyard animal's mammalian secretions onto a scorched slice of material sawed from a block consisting of the ground up tops of certain grasses, a fungoid organism which exhales greenhouse gases, a little fat and ascorbic acid mixed with a little water, which is pounded together, allowed to ferment for a while and then roasted in a hot oven until brown all over. Not terribly romantic, I'm afraid. And you do NOT want to hear what's meant by "bacon, black pudding and eggs"!

Puffed Wheat - Ha! I nearly said "Corn Flakes".

This is an allusion to the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. The first little pig built his house of straw, and the wolf huffed and puffed and blew it away. Hence, to describe an enterprise as puffed wheat is to imply that it has been undertaken with no real effort and no knowledge of what is required and how to carry it out, and will fail at the first test. Cf. Stacked Broomhandles, referring to the second pig's house of sticks, which meets a similar fate, showing that although real effort has been applied, it is wasted without real knowledge; and Stout Brick, referring to the third pig's house built with right effort knowledgeably applied.

Daisy Piercing

'Daisy Piercing' was well known during the 17th and 18th centuries but appears to have fallen into a decline of usage. Whilst it originally had only one meaning it was expanded during it's later use and, eventually, meant two things

A) The art (and it is one) of hanging a cow bell

B) The act of a gigolo - the inference here being that gigolos generally 'date' old cows.

Hello, hello; I seem to have cut off myself. So, and it's something that has always intrigued me and yet something to which I have never had a satisfactory answer; what is a

Kiwi fruit?

Quite simply, I suggest you go into a bar in Invercargill and, clutching your tube of Speights firmly for protection, ask the massed ranks of ram-castrating rugger buggers for a Kiwi Fruit. I can guarantee that you will learn pretty rapidly what it means, and you will probably learn a lot of other new words too.

In the same spirit, I was recently offered a Cornish Pasting, but had no time to spare and was forced to make my excuses. Would I have needed to bring my own wallpaper?

No, this is simply the process of tenderising meat in the preparation of a Cornish pasty. The word is also applied to the meat after it has been so treated. Some aficionados of meat products enjoy eating a Cornish pasting without the pastry of a pasty around it, and clearly this is what you were being offered. However, it can be an acquired taste as the meat hasn't yet been cooked.

Recently I heard an answerphone message in which the callee claimed to be busy Gluing the Green Envelope. What was really going on?

Darren, this is a political term. When those standing for a particular constituency do their junk mail distribution they have three distinct tasks. Firstly, the 'blues', who are virtually guaranteed to vote for 'the party', the 'reds', who are not, and the 'greens' who are most likely undecided (as opposed to being 'greenies'.) So, 'Gluing the Green Envelope' actually means sucking up to someone you don't know with the intent of influencing them to your way of thought.

Now, a young lady asked me this the other day and I was at a loss for words - in fact I was flabbergasted as I hadn't put the hard word at that time; help me please, what is a Dirty Line

One on which you cannot get a clean signal, meant either literally or metaphorically. A young lady so au fait with hacker slang sounds a valuable catch.

What goes on in the purple light district?

Very much the same as goes on in a red light district, but with additional farm animals. Mind your feet when you visit, and do not be surprised if you see a good-looking ewe in a shop window.

Paper CD?

And I hope you noticed that I said nothing at all about Welshmen or welly boots in that entry about purple light districts. Oh, bugger, I just pressed "Submit" by mistake....

A paper CD is an item of clothing (if it may be termed clothing) for suntanning the genitals, consisting of a circle of reflective paper with a circular hole cut concentrically in it. To wear the paper CD, you simply stick your (cough cough) through the hole, go sunbathing wearing nothing else. The sun's rays are concentrated on the key area producing a pronounced tanning effect. Just be careful you don't burn.

What about a dog-end brusher?

Originally a specialised tool for the removal of ordure from the smelly end of long-haired dogs and cats, it is now applied to any person with a truly distressingly repulsive job, such as teaching schoolchildren or telephone sales.

Welsh Stripper

This is blindingly obvious really. Everybody has heard of a Welsh Dresser, that substantial and robust decorative pine display unit which leans precariously against the wall in a kitchen, or indeed sitting room, in some cases dining room, and rarely, a posh entrance hall [pause for breath] - which has shelves and in some instances, little nooks and crannies, etc. Well, most folk proudly display their knick-knacks or amusingly-shaped teapots on these shelves, in order to attract a compliment or two from a passing guest. In short, they 'dress' the shelves. A Welsh Stripper, quite simply, is someone who UNdresses these shelves.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of egg-cups with cute little legs, my Auntie from Clitheroe has threatened to bequeath to me her precious collection of Oily Leathers and I'm shuddering in anticipation, nay - ignorance. Any ideas?

These are simply a form of home-made preserve. To be more precise, oily leathers are a type of marmalade where the "bits" in the marmalade are entire fruit skins. The name comes from the appearance and texture of these skins. Oily leathers are considered something of a delicacy, and are surprisingly hard to make (at least, such that the end product is edible). Futhermore, as they are an acquired taste, I advise you to approach them with caution.

Meanwhile, what's a tablet contestant?

One who takes an aide-memoire to consult in any potentially complex situation, such as being in bed with someone.

Just what are lucubrations, really? Especially epistolary ones.

I must admit that this took a while to come back to mind, but it finally did! If you ever went to Sunday school I am quite sure that this will ring a bell. epistolary lucubrations is the raw fear experienced by those of little faith when asked to quote a text from the letters of the apostles - it seems (for some as yet unexplained reason) to be more severe should that citation be sourced from the book of Luke.

Now, I came across this the other day and, says he hiding his head in shame, do not know what it means; we all know what "a penny for your thoughts" means, but what about "A quid for your pro"? Surely nothing to do with ladies of the night - or is it?