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Limerick Showcase
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A chance for players to showcase whole limericks for amusement & edification. Standard winning move for the purposes of euthanasia.
I cheekily called "Hello, sailor!",
To the deck of a Japanese whaler,
But the seamen heard nowt,
Of my nautical shout.
Next time, I'll employ a loudhailer.

On a raucous night out, Colin Farrell
Got tanked up on Watneys Red Barrell
He proceeded to lose
First his wallet, then shoes
Then his dignity and his apparrel.

There was a young lady from Leicester
Who thought she'd become an inveicester
She put all her savings
Into mosaic pavings
'Cos this was the thing that obseicester.

Hidden text Mildly inebriated nonsense is all you're going to get this time of night.

Those people who drank Watneys Red
Were quite clearly weak in the head
It was't the ale
That caused such a fail
But the fact that their taste buds were dead.
(credit goes elsewhere but it's my favourite and it fits with the beer theme)
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille.

In the catacombs under St Pauls
Lives a man who wears twenty-five shawls
He used to wear thirty
But three got all dirty
And two more got snagged on the walls.
I've recently moved to West Berks
And my poems are scoring low marks
My scansion's just fine
But for every last line,
I just can't find one more rhyme that works
An old spinster hen from South Worcester
Was in need of a good morale borcester
She did get it made
When finally laid
By a strapping young Rhode Island rorcester
There once was a fellow called Tim
Who was tall, dark, and handsome and slim
And sexy as hell
And I never need tell
Anyone this isn't him.

"I cannot believe it's not butter"
Is a phrase that you won't hear me utter
For I'd much rather spread
Worcester Sauce on my bread
And yet people still think I'm a nutter!
A topical Dutch limerijk lifted from Twitter last night:
Er was 'ns een meisje uit Haren
Die wilde opvallend verjaren
Ze plaatste een linkje
Maar miste een vinkje
Nu zit heel #Haren op blaren
It refers to this incident and translates roughly as
'There was a young girlie from Haren
Who made a conspicuous lapse
She placed a link
But missed a tick
Now the whole of #Haren blistered'
Apologies for this mid-limerick Haiku, but I saw the Nederlandisch limerick and assumed "anything goes".
Wise sausage advice
From young Jamie Oliver...
Prick with a fork, right?
[gil] ... as long as it's a limerick!
Yeah, OK, guilty [gil-ty] as charged.
Again, stolen off Twitter this morning.
There once was a man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four
When asked why this was
He said: "Just because."
And to complete the set (not my own work):
There was a young maiden from China
With a feeling for rhythm much fina
She stopped at line three.
There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was a young man from Verdun.

                               who, for a laugh
I would follow that up with a limerick about de Niro, but I can't seem to get it started ...
There was a young fellow from Merstham
Who had boils on his bum and he cursed 'em
When he sat on a chair
'Twas too much to bear
So he got a sharp knife and he burst 'em.
[jim] Look for it in between the last two horizontal lines of my last move.
Inspired from an oldie in MC5's limerick past...

I once met a psychic named Beth
Who told me the date of my death
'Twas two weeks ago
Which just goes to show
Her crystals were probably meth
Can we have a Glow-Worm showcase too?
[Giertrud] Good idea. In fact, can we re-purpose this game for all sorts of short poetry?
(I want to put my Hiawatha one in.)
But while I'm waiting for consensus, this was one was a corker thanks to Bobby Digital's superb ending line:
Projoy: When darkness doth shroud the Black Sea
Fat German: Milosevich nips out for a pee
Norma: When missiles start falling
JLE: While nature is calling
Bobby Digital: Just do up yer zipper, and flee!
When the man from Del Monte said "Yes!"
The peasants all made such a mess
With their juices a-flow
At tuppence a go
And a flavour I'm sure you can guess...
Professor Brian Cox is so famous
He's even well-known on Uranus
On Pluto, he's sleighted
(Secretly delighted)
Whilst Jupiter screams "ignoramus!"
Sorry, just had to rid the world of the politically correct pronunciation of a certain Wonder of the Solar System.
(Botherer) I've never pronounced it any other than the "rude" way which suits English speech better and gives us "uranium". Equally, we have "Venusian" when any fule kno it should be "Venereal". Poxy little planet, anyway.
My glow worm:

The last three lines of this verse
Form a nice haiku
By using five-seven-five
As they always do
The crack of doom threatens this world
So life to the stars must be hurled
Fire, asteroid, ice
'Tis a mere roll of dice
Let's escape; to its fate leave this world.
Shall I liken thee to a spring day?
You surpass all the sweet buds of May
For life, death's the fee
But while men breathe and see
These words shall your due date allay.
There was a young lady named Grager
Who as the result of a wager
Consented to fart
The entire cello part
Of Schubert's Quintet in C major

Possibly my favourite musical limerick
Inspired by Raak:

I wandered, alone, as a cloud
Floating high, till I spotted a crowd
Of gold daffodils
By lake, and on hills
Did I really say "That's nice!" out loud?

Apologies to W. Wordsworth

Through the valley of death they all rode
Cannons thund'ring, their fate did forebode
Storm'd by shot and by shell
They rode boldly and well
But when they asked why, no-one knowed.
Don't go gentle into that night
Rage, rage, 'gainst the dying of light
Father, don't slip away
Curse and bless me, I pray
'Cause tomorrow you might feel alright
I made a new world in six days
Planted men, but they went their own ways
I sent them damnation
Then offered salvation
If only they'll sing in my praise.
My love's like a rose, oh so red
Like a melody, stuck in my head
E'er in love am I
Till the seas turn dry
I'd walk ten thousand miles to your bed
When Adam first stood before Eve
She found it was hard to believe
That his bone could bring life
So he showed his new wife
Just how easy it was to conceive.
Nec tamen, nec zonam tamentes
Dulci vacuint spere ad lentes
Juvator lex sit
Sed in spem ilex fit
Quamquam Titus ab Philo volentes.
If only we'd world 'nuff and time
This coyness, my dear, were no crime
But since I can hear
Time's winged footsteps draw near
Let's get on with it -- your place or mine?
[Raak] Excellent - struggling to translate the latin one though :(
My mistress' eyes ain't like the sun
Such simile's much overdone
For I need no hyperbole
To love her superbole—
Without it, she's just as much fun
Splendid, all. Keep going! I might have a go when I find more time.
[Phil] There's a reason for that...
My true love's first present to me
Was a partridge upon a pear tree
By the end of the season
He'd gone past all reason
Who'll remove this brouhaha from me?
I wrote these two Yeatsian ones a few years ago; I forget what prompted them. Note: The correct pronunciation of Parnell puts the stress on the first syllable.

Come drink to a proud man called Parnell
As mourning bells ring out their far knell
None purer, nor fairer,
Than his love for Eire—
Than his love for Kit, none more carnal
 I once loved a lady named Maud
Gone away now with a fraud
I’ll sing my confusions
With classic allusions
And stop quick before you get bored
[Raak]
Hidden textAh, is it as much gibberish as it seems?

We three Kings of Orient are
With gifts we have travelled afar
Through field and past fountain
'Cross moor and o'er mountain
We're following that bloody star!

O wondrous great star of the night
Your beauty is royal and bright
Your route westward leading
You keep on proceeding
O when can we stop for a sh*te?
[Phil]
Hidden textExactly so!
[Phil] May I append the Kiwi version?

We Three Kings of Orient are
one in a taxi, one in a car
one on a scooter, tooting his hooter
Following yonder star.

O, star of wonder, star of light,
Star of beauty she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story,
Following yonder star.
And thanks be to St Spike of Milligan, for this: sung to "San Francisco":

I left my heart in San Francisco
I left by knees in Buenos Aires
I left my little wooden leg
in downtown Winnipeg
I left my knees in Leicester Square

I left my teeth on Table Mountain
High on a hill
They smile at me
When I get back to San Francisco
There won't be much of me to see
The boy on the burning deck stood
Whence all had departed that could
He waited to hear
His father make clear
He could go -- but it did him no good.
To write dirty limericks you need
Dictionaries in which you will read
Dirty words that will match
A word rhyming with "snatch"
If you’re filthy like us you'll succeed!
We sailed so nice in a gentle breeze
Sun was setting and life was at ease
You were humming a song,
But not before long,
You were fast asleep, head on my knees.
When I see her my soul flies anew.
Oh tell me, just what must I do?
Should I finally mention,
My lifelong intention
Which was strigine; to whit, to woo!
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