I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.

Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!

Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.

GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.

[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.

Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.

The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.

Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.

The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.

The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.

When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.

When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.

Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.

Envelopes are permitted to vote.

Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.

The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.

You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.

Clam chowder is highly explosive.

Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.

This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.

Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.