I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.

Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.

I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.

Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.

I got up really early this morning.

Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.

Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...

[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.

Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."

The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.

Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!

[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!

I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.

[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).

I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.

Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.

I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.

The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.