pen, I'm in love with your strict machine.

In an unprecedented deal, tube station Queens Park, formerly on the Bakerloo line, has been signed for £7m to join the Docklands Light Railway. It is hoped that the legendary station will restore the fortunes of DLR both in the all-Underground champions' league and the Limehouse Under-5 basketball challenge.

Ironically, Pinocchio after becoming a real boy, joined the Italian army: Being hurt in the first world war, he ended up with a wooden leg.

Apart from tranparent car windscreens, I also invented the cup handle. Early experiments in 1976, which involved carving prototypes from ice proved rather successful, but when production commenced in India in 1980 an alternative material was sourced. For 14 years all subsequent cup handles were constructed form grass cuttings. In 1994 I successfully established a method of attaching the handle to the cup. An unbelievable tale of how two seemingly unrelated inventions can be combined to produce a really useful containment vessel for hot brown liquids.

Pelgis is lying. I actually invented the cup handle (and attachment technique) in 1972, but the patent office refused my submission on the grounds I was only 5 years old.

I've only ever had a patent refused once- and it was on the grounds of Windsor Castle

Keith Barron (David Pearce in BBC classic comedy 'Duty Free') had the outstanding ability to respire using oxygen derived from the breakdown of water molecules using his hair. This enabled him to spend lengthy periods underwater without surfacing. Unfortunatley he also produced vast quantities of hydrogen as a by-product, and was responsible for a number of explosions in the South Yorkshire area.

Conclusive evidence that pelgis is making this up as he goes along. Everyone knows "Duty Free" wasn't on the BBC. It was on CNN.

I was going to be a ballerina but they didn't like my attitude.

I eat dinner plates.

It was revealed in last night's Evening Post that 'First Avon and Somerset' is an anagram of 'We want to hurt every resident in the Bath area personally'.

You can achieve cold fusion in your own bathroom with only a mandolin and some grapes.

Lastnight I drank a lava-lamp

This is also an experiment

Elvis is alive and teaching paragliding to hippopotomi.

There is one, and only one, explanation as to why Elvis can move so quickly whilst dragging a parachute: Baked beans.

And prune juice.

this is also an experiment

but hasn't quit been sucessful

The concept of the 'Geostationary orbit' was concieved by Floella Benjeman and Hamble, and falsly claimed by Arthur C Clarke. However it was Arthur C's idea to use different shaped magic windows in Playschool.

I have a patent on patents. I expect the licence fees to be rolling in any time now.

It's far too cold to snow. (Botherer) Re your Feb 16th post - my Dad, who was called Gwilym, obviously never went near the place. :-)

These days my favourite form of exercise is 'jumping to conclusions'

I recently fell in love. Love has the texture and colouring of watery Turkish delight. It took me ages to get my clothes clean and even now I'm followed everywhere by an army of tom cats with amorous expressions.

I'm certainly not listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 mixed with Röyksopp's Eple and enjoying the hell out of it. Or bopping my head along with it in the library. Or getting funny looks.

Used hand handgrenades are a very rare commodity, therefore their prices are extortionatly inflated. Beware of people selling new ones and claiming that they are used- they may infact be lying.

The capital of Paris is France.

I am, in fact, dead, and posting from lewisham cemetery, se14.

Fact- I left home this morning, not realising that I had infact left my car keys behind. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work and realised this, and wondered how I had infact got there successfully...........

I am not at all pleased that planning for the Rugby Pilg 2 seems to be gathering momentum with a good crowd of participants. I'm dreading the whole thing.

likewise, I'm delighted that work won't let me have that weekend off because I've used all my holiday time travelling to Kenya and back.

lastnight i shrank by approximately 16% - I have no logical account for this.

its usually only 14%

i have recenly discovered that my girlfriend is a thespian