The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.

All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.

I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.

Alcoholic poisoning? Rubbish!

The Caps Lock key was invented by Reuben C. Carrion of Fresno, California. It sold moderately well, but it was not until Carrion met Hatfield Sheiner at the World's Fair of 1854, hosted in the forests of Borneo, that he saw the potential for adding a second key to the keyboard - the "@". Through the valiant efforts of subsequent inventors, a tab and an ampersand key were added followed in the next ten years by the number and letter keys, to make the typewriter keyboard we now know.

I used to chuck spears for a living, but now I'm a hyena.

when all sixteen checkouts crash in the middle of a saturday lunchtime at *a certain well known UK-based supermarket chain*, it's very very funny indeed.

The County of Norssex if rather fed up with being overlooked by its better advertised sister counties.

Tere are, in fact, only twenty-five letters in the Englis alpabet. The letter " " is a myt.

Except in the word "the".

[maths] That's just so much hyperbolics. [/maths]

...would've been a worse option.

Trigonometry is all about sin and secs.

The invention of the car owes very much to the development of the hubcap which was first patented in 1789 and then stoodly idly for a century of so until somebody scraped off the rust and invented something for it to go on.

There are 36 species of cat including the tiger, the Iberian lynx and the caterpillar.

Because of an administrative error, the Kingdom of God is unable to admit anyone this week so anyone who dies must go to Hell, where they will be entitled to file an application to be considered for admission through the pearly gates.

Applicants are encouraged to do this before next year, when a strict quota system for immigrants and asylum seekers will be inaugurated, drastically cutting down on the number of entrants into Heaven.

Those who find themselves wrongly sent to Hell can expect an apology from the Prime Minister. In about 20 years time.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into 10 Downing Street.

crapping is a sin

I've spent the last week on a boat. No swans attacked me.

I invented hens.

But I have the patent!

My real name is Jeremiah Disgruntled.

Ritual stoning of persons named Hywel was only banned in Flintshire in 1976. A loophole remains, however, so all you Gwilym's best steer clear of Mold.

Kentucky Fried Chicken are considering a move into more upmarket territory. Their new chains of restaurants serving deep fried meats from the Asian subcontinent will reportedly bear the slogan "It's finger Ling-Ling good".

Another proposal from KFC is a combination of psychoanalysis and fried chicken. With a free Rorshach (sp?) test with each Family Bucket, Kentucky Freud Chicken's slogan is to be "It's motherfucking good".

[/lie] guess what *I* had for dinner??? [lie]

[nights] [/lie] Magic mushrooms? Oh and thanks for the dinner + seduction invitation by the way. I'll get there about 8pm, ok?[lie]

Automatic word-wrapping was invented by Macy's department store in the depression when people could not afford to buy tangible items as gifts but could afford 2¢ to have a special word done up in ribbons and paper for a loved one.

This custom gave rise to the expression "Waal thass mah two censs wath", commonly abbreviated to the semi-mandatory "Just my $0.02" after fatuous and irrelevant comments in modern e-communications.

I definetly didn't type this- honest

neither did I type this.

[pen] [/lie] you never turned up! crushed! [lie]

This is definitely nights typing this.

I'm sure I'm Projoy. I might also be stehvelo though. I'm not sure.

I am dead. [nights] You aren't the first to be crushed like a snail under the heal of Penelope's boot. We had a romantic e-date on MCiOS for V-Day that she stood me up on. So have no sympathy when she posts about her latest failed romance - it's all a trap to lure us poor unfortunates into her twisted web of torture...

Being in a Rag Cabaret and not knowing the dance for the finale because we weren't able to be in the rehearsal is tremendous fun and really gives you a feeling of superiority

Sticky, wilful computer mouses are good for calming oneself down ([/lie]'mouses' in this context is in fact grammatically correct [lie]

It was my idea to make car windscreens transparent- before 1936 all windscreens were made from vinegar and rope, and presented many difficulties in ascertaining if the wipers were functioning correctly, nevermind actually driving.

Contrary to popular belief, the Seoul Tower is not the tallest builing in the world- The tallest building is infact my house. Not instantly obvoius, my apparent 'bungelow' has been constructed in a 800 metre deep pit, the lower 399 floors are of soil/bedrock construction, with the top floor being of brick and wax

People in wax houses should never light candles.