I have kissed a lot of toads.

silly string is neither string nor particularly silly.

I see MC5 is down again.

yes, and I'm dancing on hats about it.

Two beakers of tea and a wagon wheel. That is all I have to say.

I told a customer to kiss my arse today.

A customer kissed my arse today. It's no life being a prostitute.

And I like to shout about it... *oops!*

botherer bothers me in a bothersome way.

The Stationery Office has renamed itself the Stationary Office and located itself to a caravan - but clamped the wheels.

I went to my aerobic waltz class last night and had the misfortune to slip in a puddle of bull semen that had been left by the Young Farmers.

High frequency electric current is our friend.

I can't believe it's not butter is, in reality, butter.

If you chuck a spider it will purr.

Why all paediatricians love centipedes is one of the great mysteries of the world.

Butterflies are so named because they milk the cows before the farmer is awake and then nick off.

Cheese is the essence of butterflies.

Slugs are homeless snails.

I'd be prepared to bet that 'Slugs are homeless snails' has never been said before.

Inanities are the spice of life.

Insanity is normal.

Normalised campanologists are those who fit into a particular bell curve.

Big Ben was named after Tinnitus the Celtic god of hearing.

The phrase 'hear, hear' is often misused by those who exclaim 'here, here' simply because they wish to draw attention to themsleves.

Those who propound the theory that 'Life is a bitch and then you die' have never visited an MC site.

Live and let die - unless it's a kitten.

The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.

All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.

I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.

Alcoholic poisoning? Rubbish!

The Caps Lock key was invented by Reuben C. Carrion of Fresno, California. It sold moderately well, but it was not until Carrion met Hatfield Sheiner at the World's Fair of 1854, hosted in the forests of Borneo, that he saw the potential for adding a second key to the keyboard - the "@". Through the valiant efforts of subsequent inventors, a tab and an ampersand key were added followed in the next ten years by the number and letter keys, to make the typewriter keyboard we now know.

I used to chuck spears for a living, but now I'm a hyena.

when all sixteen checkouts crash in the middle of a saturday lunchtime at *a certain well known UK-based supermarket chain*, it's very very funny indeed.

The County of Norssex if rather fed up with being overlooked by its better advertised sister counties.