In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.

Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.

I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.

Car windows are made of compressed pepper.

My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)

I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!

spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.

People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.

I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.

If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.

cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.

Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?

Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex

Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
We thank you for your cooperation.

First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)

Sir,
This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.

8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!

I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.

I understand my wife.

Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.

It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?

This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.

Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?

Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................

Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.

Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches

The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.

*bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)

Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo

My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]

If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!

The Nile is not a river in Egypt.

My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]

The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.