Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.

Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches

The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.

*bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)

Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo

My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]

If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!

The Nile is not a river in Egypt.

My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]

The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.

........ just a little thing but . . .

I live in a tree
I live in a tree
I live in a tree
And nobody loves me!

[Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.

Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.

Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.

I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........

and I'm dyslexic

[Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...

[penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.

Any lifetime guarantee.

Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!

Erm... I think you'll find they are.

now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.

A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.

Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.

No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.

compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.

Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.

Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.

Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.

All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.

(fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)

If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.

Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.

Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.