I jumped from a runaway locomotive and landed here!!! Dear Lord, somebody roll me back onto the tracks, pleeeease.

I have the world's largest collection of cubic centimetres.

I went to a disco in a quarry. It was the pits.

I went to an all you can eat eatery, but when I asked for seconds, the waiter set my watch back thirty.

The finest and most elaborate to prepare dish in the world is Lapin aux Headlights, the cooking of which requires a two-ton truck with a big hook, a small clutch of weasels, a sack of oatmeal, of which just 1% will be used in the final dish, and a variety of exotic postage stamps. It is considered bad form for the chef ever to meet the diner, and if they ever do meet in subsequent years, are by convention obliged to touch bottoms together in the nearest estate agents' before running away to separate continents.

I find the last recipe suggestion utterly, nay, compellingly mouth-watering.

In that case you'll love my licourice wellingtons.

The part of Chewbacca in the crackerjack space adventure movie Star Wars was originally offered to Danny DeVito. The suit and prosthetics were already made for him when he was forced to pull out of the project (due to a prior commitment to play Ulysses S. Grant in a musical version of the Battle of Gettysburg) and the costume was re-tailored for the replacement actor using bits of Lucas's shag-pile rug. If you look closely at an unretouched print you can clearly make out the alterations since the colors and naps do not match.

The practice of pigeon-duelling has now been successfully outlawed in 50 local authorities of the UK.

Humans are the only species of animal that have not learned to walk on all fours.

McDonalds in Place de Concorde, Paris is now offering McLapin aux Headlights, a fast-food version of the celebrated gourmet dish. After a trial period, it is planned to roll it out to all McDonalds in France, Spain, Greece and Latin America. It is not expected to be added to the British menus though, due to national views on the whole "bottom" thing (which the naughty French take in their stride and other nations positively revel in).

I've just walked into a lamp post. It's cramped and suprisingly dark, I hope I can get out.

That's nothing. I changed into a pair of trousers earlier.

I'm thrilled skinny to be back at university.

Healthy teeth and gums may be ensured by chewing a small wad of aluminium foil for ten minutes each day, being sure to work it around the molars. The foil should not be swallowed after use, but saved in a convenient place until it can be sent to Blue Peter to buy "hearing-ear" guide dogs for the deaf.

Herrings, when placed up the nose of a colleague, make excellent adornments for a party.

Fortunately for connoiseurs of Star Wars wishing to investigate Chewbacca's costume discontinuity, there are myriad copies of unretouched prints. George Lucas has an astonishing reverence for the history of his work and under no circumstances would he modify the original films or modify significant character elements.

Military organisations like to choose cute names ("Operation Sealion", "Operation Mincemeat") for their secret plans, but this is a comparatively recent habit, and was only introduced by the British in the first world war, after the catastrophic failure of "Operation Secret Plan to invade Germany via a secret expedition to the Southern Baltic, landing just around Danzig on August 7th, at 5pm or later if tea delayed."

In the early seventies I owned a dog named Bonzo who had surprisingly musical doo-dahs. The rest is history.