Keith Floyds sister Pink is opening a new cafe in Manchester, selling authentic Victorian take-away meals...........

A clock accurate to less than half a second each second can easily be manufactured using a piece of string not less than nineteen inches long, fourteen blueberries, and the juice of a Seville orange.

The borogroves are unusually mimsy this afternoon.

On my spare Tuesdays, I like to ride a cock-horse through the markets of Didcot. I have made twenty appearances in the local press in this way.

Clams have a little-suspected sense of humour. They frequently like to congregate on the sea bed and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls

Oysters, on the other hand, prefer the 24 hour news channel.

French steeplejacks will often utter the word 'Botkin' for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Light can travel at the speed of light.

The Earth's core is an amalgam of molten rock, biscuits and very hot jam.

Cows are wonderful for urban gardens as they moo the grass.

Strip mines are very popular with spectators because of all the naked women who work there.

The mantle in your gas light is made from the very best Harris Tweed.

Paraffin is made from the flight feathers of parrots and the dorsal fins of sharks.

It is widely known, amongst paraffin connoisseurs, that the Blue MacCaw and the Great White combine to make the best quality paraffin. The most common, and cheapest, paraffin is the budgie / tiger shark blend.

The archer's targets are 70 meters away. That is about as far as they run in the 100 meters. </lie>(Or something like that, heard during Olympic commentary).<lie>

But Lord Archer made 81 meters. </lie>If TBT said it, it must be true!<lie>

I'm in denial

No you're not.

Theatre reviewers all have to abide by a special EU code to maintain the supply of certain adjectives. There are quotas for particular descriptors, and the reviewer gets subsidised for using them. The quality of the show reviewed is immaterial.