you have to be crazy to work at walmart, it is in the fine print on the bottom of page two.

there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.

Clouds are the debris left over from exploding fairies.

Grass purrs when you mow it.

That Rooney kid - what a plank!

Shrek escaped from Hollywood and is now taking international football by storm.

I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.

Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.

There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.

My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).

I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.