As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.

Thos] I did not find that at all funny.

I have an albino pet zebra called Ernie, He likes chips dribbled with lots of vinegar!

Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......

Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.

By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.

Due to the late delivery of 1925, 1908 was in fact re-gheated and served again. No-one noticed.

Bright sunlight makes me Blink

Re-gheating is only carried out in cheaper Indian restaurants

Donald Rumsfeld is available in a wide range of colours.

Ironically, purple elephants are themselves available in a wide range if Donald Rumsfelds.

Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.

Metal coathangers breed. A tentative welcome back to ZK ... or have I simply been inattentive?

Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!

I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!

Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!

Dang and blast!

Donald Rumsfeld has an unnatural fear of Spoonerisms.

Should my wife ask, I was never here.

I am Falstaff's wife and I CAN SEE YOU!

The Rugby weekend was crap, and you'll never catch me doing that again!

I'm not sunburnt.

I am not happy to be on vacation this week. I miss rising at 4:30 a.m. and rushing about to leave for my work, which is fifty miles away.

My daughter did not bring her daughter to my house the other day and then take my wife along with the little darling to feed the ducks at the local lagoon. Nor did she lose her keys to the car and ask me to drive down to the said wetland to help find them. Shoes are cheap, particularly if they are drenched, covered in duck droppings, mud and various seeds of thorn. There are times when I love my family to death.

Wax strips work! Save lots of money and pain, and buy some today!

[Dujon] I saw a duck driving a car, it had a damaged wing.

[plump] Are you sure it wasn't just tyred?

Photo frames can now be purchased with a chameleonic finish to them which makes a picture look like it has been bevelled into the wall.

Bollards are ducks that are neither female nor male.

Bollocks are ducks with funky hair.

I do not have a radio now. I am not at all happy about this.

"No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood" is not on the Radio during my Greek exam. I'm deliriously happy about this.

</lie> [ZK] Listen Again is your friend. It's certainly mine - I can't listen to R4 live at all. <lie>

Contrary to popular belief, dumb bells can be quite loquacious if talked to about the right subject.