My keyboard is made of cheese, I hate it but the mouse loves it.

A wooden box will always keep blancmange fresh.

I have no concerns for Projoy, or, indeed, the fact that they are better at this than me.

I tried making a blancmange box, but it was too squidgy.

Apple's next product will be the uPod, a device to allow people to take snapshots of their loved one's personalities to keep them company on long journeys.

[Dunx]< / l i e > I want one of those! < l i e >

Projoy is plural, and has been ever since he was Amjoy.

If you would like to get more pleasure out of owning a Pet Bunny Rabbit than you ever imagined was possible, ... if you'd like to learn how to make your cherished pet happy, cuddly, and playful ... if you'd like to understand exactly what (s)he needs, wants -even what (s)he might be thinking - or if you just want to know how to get your Pet Bunny Rabbit to like you better, then this might be the most important letter you'll ever read. When ingested, rabbits may cause nausea, diarrhea, intestinal distension and vomiting. However hamsters are generally regarded as non toxic and no fatalities from ingestion have been reported.

All papal bulls are written in non-toxic crayon too.

I once had a papier maché bull, but I couldn't leave it out in the rain.

All cardinals are lightly soaked in vinegar overnight following their elevation to the post.

Spring Water bounces if dropped on the floor.

Heavy water does the same, but only after it has punched a hole in the floor (or floors) and hit Mother Earth.

I had a courgette and pineapple chew-bar for breakfast this morning.

In Britain the roads do not have a right-hand side, and all bends turn clockwise.

[Pnnrojnnoy] Fnnizzeep! Yizibble!

The fifth month has recently been renamed "Should"

All water on Earth is called Mike.

[Thos] That's not even funnier once you actually figure it out.

George Bush's given first name was Rachel.

All you need to make your own helicopter is a bag of dried banana chips and an octopus.

[flerdle] Psst. You forgot the packet of grass seeds.

Projoy] Psst. The grass seed are only required if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with HSBC bank or a horse.

Obviously, that should have read "if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with a horse, or HSBC bank."

Following a recount, it was recently discovered there were only six seas and a big pond.

The phrase "Wham! Bam! Strawberry Jam!" is actually a prophecy from the mid-14th century made by a delirious fishwife-turned-wisewoman about some period of the future. She always made these outbursts in threes, which is why she was never prosecuted as a witch (she maintained that one prophecy came from each of the members of the Trinity) and they have since been interpreted as referring to consecutive decades. So far, scholars have identified certain aspects related to world and entertainment events but are somewhat perplexed by the final idea.

My Human Resources Department at work have all been issued with personnel stereos.

Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?

I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.

Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.

Mike Oldfield seldom talks about his first album, Cubular Bells, as it's generally regarded as a bit square (although a solid piece of work).

I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.

Cindy is the word Americans use for sweat.

Bread sticks, are actually made form 50 year old oak twigs!

Twiglets. No more to add.

After years of slavish work, Jane Brucker has finally been awarded a ten-album record contract.