So, what about cancer? One little cell screws up, and then boom!, they're all at it. I mean, what's with that? It's like you got a bunch of little sheep cells there in your body 'Baaaah, baaaaah, metaaaaastaaaaasize. And have you noticed how funny people behave when they get cancer in their brain...

To understand the next joke, you need to know a few things about cosmology and string theory. In the space of braided triples over the octonions...

"Any jokes, shaggy dog stories and opinions I am about to tell you here this evening that being told by me and are intended for this audience and should not be repeated unless approval has been explicitly stated. Anything I say that may or may not be humourous and comical is intended solely the individuals or entity that make up the audience. If you are not the intended recipient..."

There are many amusing things that happen in my job as a management consultant, and this evening I should like to recount a few, which I am sure you will enjoy.

Good evening and f**k you all, quite frankly, you overprivileged white (well, mostly) middle class hypocritical c**ts.

Islam, eh? I was planning a joke about it, but they told me it would bomb...

Peace, man, peace, I'm da rappin' policeman. I'm tappin' on your window and ello ello ello, innit? I'm drivin' in my car, an' arrestin' you for marijuana. (continues for ten minutes)

Erm...erm... is this thing on?...*thud*...*crackle*...can you all hear me back there?...Hello?..*bzzzzt*....I say *crackle* can you all...can you *crackle* hear me?...*CRACK*...Sorry, not used to these microphones...is that better? can you all hear...I say, can you all hear me back there?...

They say the best comedians are laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. Well, frankly, I couldn't give a shit. In this business, it's all down to the quality of the audiences. So, I hope you lot are the 'laughing on the outside' types, or I'll be sending the boys with the baseball bats into the auditorium.

LAUGH, YOU BASTARDS! THAT WAS A F***ING JOKE!

My name's Mark and I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause) I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause, clears throat). OK, you're probably not going to like the rest of my routine, then.

Let's talk about rape.

The title of my talk tonight is "The Comic Turn in XIXth-Century German Philosophy: Kant's Critique of Judgement Considered as a Work of Satire".