Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.

If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.

If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.

I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.

The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.

Oops! that should be *sommelier*

Of course the French praise their wine. Anything tastes good after eating that much garlic.

---

May I suggest a new occupation to target? A relationship counsellor

If I were you I'd dump the bastard.

Huh! You think you've got problems?

Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!