An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!

We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.

My I remind Sir that even your fat and rather rotund form that three glasses of this fine and excellent wine will still make you too pissed to drive.

Don't worry about any sediment, sir, I gave the bottle a good shake on the way to your table.

I recommened the Carlsberg Top, sir.

With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?

Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?

A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!

Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?

It's from somewhere in Germany.

Hang on, let me guess... is it red?

Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?

You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.

Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

"Catch!"

Personally, I'd rather have a pint.

It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.

Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.

Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?

Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*