I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.

The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?

[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?

What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".

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In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier

An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!

We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.

My I remind Sir that even your fat and rather rotund form that three glasses of this fine and excellent wine will still make you too pissed to drive.

Don't worry about any sediment, sir, I gave the bottle a good shake on the way to your table.

I recommened the Carlsberg Top, sir.

With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?

Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?

A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!

Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?

It's from somewhere in Germany.

Hang on, let me guess... is it red?

Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?

You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.

Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

"Catch!"