Doh not again!! Did anyone see where I dropped that?

. . . And if I poke this bit, his leg twitches!

GRAAAAGH!! BRAAAIINZZZ!!!

"My Brain hurts!" Dr G.P. Gumby MRCS, MT, MT, MT.

I always find a glass of wine whilst working helps tremendously.

Oh come on, Phillips, stop dithering and slice the damn thing; it's not exactly brain surgery, is it?

Yes, I know she wasn't meant to have a mastectomy, but I'd lost my glasses and I'd got this kind of idea I was supposed to be performing lobotomies on two bald men with large pimples.

Aaaaaaaaaachooo! Dammit! Swab!

"Before we put you under Mr. Blair, could you please confirm the donor's name?"

I have reviewed your case and have a few proposals few you, on my lap top I have a small power point presentation, it will only take a few minutes just to give you some idea of the options no committment for now but I really think we can work together on this.

"Of course I can take this on! I've worked on the best, you know! My most famous client is George W Bush!"

Whats happened to page 15 of the manual?

Look, er, I've got to go - there's a Lodge meeting. We can park this overnight. See you all tomorrow. Ciao!

OK, how about some for Farmers?

"Yeah... the inspectors from the government came round, and told me I had to kill all my cattle and burn them... So, I thought, why not have a really big barbecue and invite everyone?"

No, I'm not going in there! The cows might get me!

So when to I get to sow my oats?

So tell me, how do I grow crop circles?

Slaughter? I'm a vegan, y'know.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Raise the mainsail, me hearties! With a following wind we'll be in Totuga by Sunday! Aharr!

I'm not going down there! These shoes are from Prada!

I'm not going down there! It's filthy.

It's just a part-time thing, really.

I'm just sooooo not a morning person, y'know

Yes, feel free to wander around and take whatever you fancy.

No, I wouldn't accept EU subsidy on principle.

I must get those old rights of way properly maintained and signposted.

Move out the way you daft lumbering cows! I want to try out my new 9 iron.

Time for another. Er, hmm. Electrician?

Let's put an HR in:

---

Electrician

Doctors say I'm colourblind, but what do they know?

Only wimps turn off the switch.

Eenie-meenie-mynie-moe...

I can get it done for you in about two hours, using odds'n'ends I've got in my van. The cost should be nominal, say 30 quid for my time. Tell you what, I can do it next Sunday if you like.

Actually, I'd rather have a cheque, helps keeps the books in order.

What I say is, you can't beat a good old-fashioned fuse box and really thick fuse wire, these modern circuit-breakers trip as soon as look at them.

No, I don't worry about turning the power off. This amulet will protect me against electric shocks.

I don't believe in modern plastics and machine-made wire, they have all the wrong vibrations and completely destroy the feng shui. The best natural cable is made from organically mined copper, hand-drawn through dies of meteoritic iron, wound with birchbark gathered by a full moon and glued with tree sap from trees you planted yourself.

Put these houseplants each side of the TV and next and close as you can to the computer, and that should stop your earth leakage problems.

Let me assure you m'lady, I am no common blue-collared lackey but an itinerant entrepreneur on the verge of groundbreaking discoveries devoted to the scientific hippodrome of electromagnetism and circuitry, therefore do not be overtly alarmed if my methods appear unconventional. I assure you the crux of all electromagnetic inadequacies lie within the boudoir of ones home, so let us proceed therein and if you will consent to participate as my assistant I will footnote your charity in my private journals. Now, shall we prick the cork on this bottle of bubbly as a celebrancy to our partnership?