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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Is a famously infrequent flyer
He mostly takes cabs
To his various rehabs
And his cycling is said to be dire
A friend of a friend of a friend
Has driven me right round the bend
This tenuous acquaintance Gotta gloss over a syllable in tenuous there
Is rather high-maint'ance Gotta gloss over a syllable there too.
And may not survive in the end. (Proj, penpenpenult.) I've killed the bloody lot, mate. :-)
No man is an island, they say
'Though Manxmen might just disagré
They chat and they hug less
And stay shy of Douglas
And they never come out to play
A headache at five is just great
If it leaves by a quarter to eight
But if it should stay
For most of the day
Romance is farfetched for your mate
While painting my room yellow ochre
I received an odd call from my broker
"You're quite in the red"
"You've no green stuff," he said
Now quit playing Black Jack and Poker!
I long for a long-lasting night
Where my fancy can truly take flight
But sadly, I lack
The relevant knack
To get all the works all upright
A lovely young mayor named Ken
Convened the town council at 'ten'
He loudly decreed
"From traffic be freed!"
And may all traffic lights stick at zen!"
Oh, play me those hot ragtime blues!
I'm wearing my new dancing shoes
I'm ready to bop
Or even Hip-hop
And you can all clap from the pews
The happiest one of my days
Was when I stole from the Krays
A vegetable squeezer
An upright fridge freezer
And a bra that clad Modesty Blaise
There once was a lad from old Bristol
Who roamed around town with a pistol
He only shot blanks
For which we give thanks
'cos the whole bloody town's made of crystal.
S,K,SM,R,ISP - awesome
I met a small swami from Dili
Who wanted to move somewhere hilly
I suggested Nepal
Where the hills are so tall
You ascend; you transcend; you go silly.
There was an old codger from Fareham
Who liked women's clothes and would wear 'em
But when he went out
He was struck with this doubt:
Should I take me clothes off? That'd scare 'em!
The antics of Pepe le Pew
Apart from smelling were really quite few
In his amourous pursuits he shows more persistence than Robert the Bruce's spider
Oops...wrong move , wrong game... nix that
The ladies he hounded
[irach] understandable mistake .. given the bizarre scansion in line 2 :-) Think I'll wait for the next one to come along.
[Chalky] You can wait ages for one...
[IS,P] how right you are!
By odour confounded
Their senses. They all joined the queue.
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley
[irach] eek! far-be-it-for-me-mention-the-dreaded-scansion-word ... but hey - I've said it :-)
[Chalky] Hey, it was just clerihew that had got lost.
He looked at me wryly This one works well enough for me
Then stated quite dryly:
[irach] Did you think mine was perambulatoriously? Nah. I meant Perambulatoriously
[Simons] I think Chalky's talking about line 2 of this one which don't follow line 1. My reading of line 1 was as Projoy intended. Let's try and fix it.
Perambulatoriuosly
I ran into Aldous Huxley
He looked at me wryly
Then stated quite dryly:
You're not wearing knickers, I see.

Is that OK?
[ISP, Chalky] If you read mine the first way, irach's line does actually scan (and almost rhyme), to wit:
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley

...so it depends if you think irach misinterpreted the natural stress pattern of my made-up word (which admittedly was difficult to do because in the word perambulator, the second and fourth syls are stressed in a not very limerickish way. Then again, if you were American, then peramulatory would be limericky, but the UK pronunciation would not. Then again, by analogy with notoriously, you might have realised the "correct" stress. Then again, one does naturally attempt to stress "once" in irach's line, before reading "ran". All in all, quite complicated. Maybe I'd better stick to real words hereon.

Muliebrity nudiastertian (look 'em up!)
Improves on my prior male version nudiustertian, actually
But now it's today
[PJ, ISP, Irach] I can quite see that differing the stress pattern can 'make it fit' but I still maintain that 10 syllabubs in a limerick line is too many. Losing the 'L' [as ISPers did] helps :-)
And I fear that I may [Pj] Nope, I still can't make it scan.
[IS,P] I can make it scan - I just don't understand it!
Become subject to gender recursion
The old lady who swallowed a fly
Has now got a gnat in her eye
Her nostrils have fleas
Her ears attract bees
And snakes wrap themselves round her thigh.
The builders are coming today
If they say that, you can only pray
That yesterday's news - I make no apologies.[SW] tricky one to follow which is probably why, once more!, the game has stalled
Doesn't bring on the blues
If so, play a twelve-bar in A.
nice :-)
Forget everything you were taught!
The sum of your knowledge is naught
Now with a clean sheet
Stand on just your two feet
And pretend we have freedom of thought
Forgive me for turning up late
For I know that is rude on a date
I had to make sure
You'd get here before
me, for I'm too impatient to wait. Rather glad to have finally disposed of this one.
[Rosie] Indeed, a week is a long time in limericks. I have stared fruitlessly at this one on numerous occasions. Good finish, I thought, under the circs.
His Highness, George Dubbleyer Bush
Has proclaimed, "We need just one more push!"
To win in the war
For oil, (we need more) (ISP) Not one of my best but cheers, anyway.
Shh! Condoleezza says that's hush-hush making the best of a bad job .. swiftly moving on...
The largesse of old Tony Blair
Has taken a decade to share
But soon he'll step down
For that twat Gordon Brown
But (by that point) nobody'll care!
[UK] Why not "no-one'll care"? Much better scansion.

The Party Political Beast

Once went West, but is now heading East
Its ravenous mouth
Bellows over the South
"Head North for famine from feast"
I flee all political views
In my 'No Idea How To Vote' shoes
I'm not sure where I stand
They're all so bloomin' bland
But one of them will win, so choose.
The cattle I find in my bed
Have deposited freshly-baked bread
And other stuff, too
Think this brown stuff is poo
But at least it's a pat on the head (forgive me)
The hottest of anchovy soup
Reminds me, frankly, of poop.
But cold kedgeree
Has class pedigree
At curing small babies of croup *
* This is not medical advice. The author is not a qualified physician.
Whilst wand'ring alone in The Weald
I made sure to keep my eyes peeled
For Red Riding Hood
Who's up to no good
With Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
When I met with my putative wife
I just could not envision the strife
Of tying the knot
With a 'she' who was not
So I dumped him and got a new life
.. moving swiftly on
The diaries of Siegfried Sassoon
Are best played on the contra-bassoon
Or otherwise said
(Preferably, read)
By the light of a silvery moon
I'd rather a dinner of herbs
Than eat koljivo like the Serbs
For basil and thyme
Their taste so sublime
Can be found by most countryside kerbs
There's something suspicious in here
It looks like a worm in my beer
I'd best get it out
(Any forceps about?)
I think I've been sold a bum steer
The natural home of the worm
Is within the Medusian perm
It is annelid heaven
For 24/7
But not during Michaelmas Term
I'm told there is no antidote
To the bite of the Anglican Stoat
But the Mormon Vole's bite
Gives no need for fright
Dabbed with milk from a Methodist goat
The Kiss of the Womanly Spider
Smacks of the real venom inside her
Beware her octet
Or you will soon get
An oscular/eating collider phew. Next!
On a charabanc trip to the sea
We all took our own flask of tea/B>
We topped it with Rum<
And were thus overcome
And woke up in south Tennessee collider? I just met 'er!
The weather has called me away
Now I'm away, I may stay
Til I run out of socks
In my travelling box
'Cos I'm not gonna wash 'em, no way.
How on earth do you undo this knot?
Hard tightened and smeared with green snot,
Which ere long will harden
If left in the garden
The famed Gordian knot it is not
While eating a piece of fresh cod
Which I'd recently caught on my rod
A bone in the fish
That I'd placed in a dish
Had a foot and ten toes, ain’t that odd?
While drinking a rotten peach tea
I was gripped by a deep urge to pee
So much so that I
Let out a great cry:
"Look out, please make way for me!"
I love all the boils of your face
Each pustule, each zit, has its place
Your myriad diseases
And mucousy sneezes
Oh, how they do make my heart race! Well, at least I have tachycardia.
One's encounters with tropical sprue Continuing a medical theme....
One fervently hopes to be few
Typhoid and malaria
Can lay waste an area
There's naught worse than aqueous poo I'll get me coat
Hmmmm. Two 'poo's and a 'pee' in my last six postings. And my wife just bought me a 'wii' for my 40th. Wonder if there's a connection.
I have purchased an elephant's foot
I know not where it to put (ISP) She knows you well. You're a lucky man.
Or up with how much
Or whether and such
‘cause it’s hopping around, won’t stay put
A cuppa, a sit and a bun
When all the paperwork's done
Are you sure you meant "sit"?
Reflect for a bit
Meanwhile, I'll just pour a fresh one
Cash, dollar, loot, pennies, spondoolies
Alas, they're unknown to most coolies (pen) You will not tempt me into testicular references, but watch the 5th line. :-)
For them it's just barter Touché, Rosie ;o)
A note's a non-starter
But useful when shopping in Woollies
The time has arrived - celebrate!
I've worked out how to reincarnate!
I'll be back in a tick
As my new self, Old Nick
Now at last I'll take hold of my fate!
He locked us all into the shed
Looked us straight in the eye and then said:
"You all share one eye!"
"Is it Cyclops I spy?"
Our collective look killed - now he's dead
On slaying a mythical beast
The druids decided to feast
On roast gryphon wings
Or cherubims rings coat!
Or the tail of a ferret at least
Impractical thoughts such as mine
Deal with thou beside me and wine
For this combination
- salacious libation -
The finger writes; having writ, dines.
There's no wind but we sail anyway
So far, we have not left the bay.
Becalmed as we are
We can't go very far
And we'll be in the doldrums all day
Suddenly, there's a hurricane......

We battle 'gainst wind, wave and foam

In quest of a land to call "home"
In the teeth of the gale
We shall always prevail
Till we settle and nevermore roam
I have something between my two legs
So ladies, hang on to your eggs!
Lest fertilisation (Phil) You're dir'y.
Should lead to gestation
You'll look like this pair of beer-kegs?
A girl in a suit can look dapper
Especially one who's a tapper (i.e. tap dancer)
But a man in a skirt
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