Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
Calvin Klein's new scent, Unction For Men, was today blamed for one of the worst derailments in history. A small group of unmarried vestal virgins, escaping a plane load of sex-mad car mechanics from Canada, had gathered together on platform 8 at Birmingham New Street station to perform an experiment. Their aim was to mask their scent through the excessive use of Unction, thus covering their tracks. Sadly, they covered the wrong tracks... Observers said they used far too much perfume, thus creating a small flood which soon coated the rails in a slimy residue. As a result a Virgin train derailed in such an extravagent fashion that passengers were spread across a six mile radius.
The Church of England Times: In a sermon last Sunday, the Rev. Wibley of Deeping St. Mary-in-the-Fields criticised Mornington Crescent as "pointless". "I don't believe there are really any rules to the games these people play," he said, "and visiting the station itself is just an unhealthy excuse to spend all afternoon in a pub. What shall it profit a man if he half-twist to Lancaster Gate, yet lose his own soul?"
In a bizarre series of events Parliament was cleared yesterday afternoon by the Speaker as he had been warned by security staff that a terrorist attack had been launched. All parlimentarians retired to the Members dining room where an imprumptu high tea was served by overworked catering staff. Meanwhile, security forces swept the House searching for terrorist devices. As Members sipped tea and munched scones and jam it was reported that trained suicide marmosets with rucksacks had been discovered hiding under the front benches. They were destroyed in a controlled explosion in Parliament Square by members of the bomb squad. A Cabinet spokesman said: "These Al Queda chappies will have to get up earlier in the morning if they think they can make monkies out of us."
Following the recent terrorist attacks against bathroom installations, engineers responsible for dealing with sewerage have unanimously elected to crap themselves against union rules. "I know the regulations stipulate that we should crap into the toilets, but since the toilets have started blowing up, we've decided it's much safer to crap into our own pants."
A government spokesman responded, "We understand the workers' concerns, but we do not believe the pants are able to take this much load, and intend to launch a full public enquiry into their contents."
Full-colour pictures on pages 10, 12-15 and 30-105. Ask your newsagent for your free Scratch-n-Sniff card!