Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
A cinema worker was injured today when an 18ft life-size cardboard cutout of the Great White shark used as an advertisement for the Jaws films fell on him, trapping him for 40 minutes. The man sustained cuts and bruises to his nether regions. He's said to be sitting uncomfortably as he waits in A & E.
Higher Order Types are the new "hot" thing in programming languages, offering hitherto unachieved levels of reusability, reliability, portability, correctness, rapid application development, web deployment, security, and ponies for everyone, said Chris Boggs, CEO of HOT Technology Corporation, speaking at the 1st Annual Conference on HOT Languages, sponsored by HOT TC.
'Man about The House' Richard O'Sullivan, the new voice of snooker on TV, was today sacked by the producers of 'Pot Black' after missing an entire frame of play when he dashed into the kitchen to empty two tenners from the pocket of a pair of jeans he had just loaded into the washing machine. More than 50 viewers rang into complain that snooker commentary was actually more interesting with a soundtrack of audience coughing and shuffling than with O'Sullivan's attempted commentary, conatining mostly 'umms' and 'errs'.
Cambridge, UK Minister of Wassailing, John Probe, was detained by British Special Service agents Sunday at Downing College and was charged with disseminating classified government information. Witnesses at the scene reported Probe was speaking to a gathered group of students about a military experiment codnamed "Project: WC", rumored to be the next generation in advanced toiletry science. Probe's lawyers were unreachable for comment.
Pope Benedict XVI today was seen in public wearing, for the first time, the footwear presented to him by Dutch Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende. He carried with him, the sacred shoehorn which was a gift to the pontiff by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, Archbishop of Westminster. "There is nothing more British than a shoehorn," said the Pope, "and I look forward to utilising it on these splendid wooden shoes." The shoes are decorated with images of windmills and mice and are said to have the power to heal tulips.