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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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I own the doughnut store down the street, so here's a proposition. You get free doughnuts, and I get off without a fine. Do we have a deal?
"Arrest me? You ain't got the BALLS to haul me downtown."
We, the people, pay your salary, so don't you start getting high-handed with me.
I'm surprisred that they even make police uniforms in your size. Yours must be made of highly elastic stretch fabric to accomodate that huge beer belly.
"Ooh, can I see your truncheon?"

and on that piece of unadulterated smut, can I suggest a change of topic?

Worst Things to Hear From Your Doctor

/optician/dentist/opthamologist/gynaecologist/acupuncturist/whatever takes your fancy, in this smorgasbord of medical options we find ourselves faced with these days.
Now on the basis that I never use mine, I took the liberty of assuming I could remove it. It's here in this jar.
Just for the record, would you mind leaving a list of next-of-kin with the receptionist, please?
"Do not be alarmed Mr. Johnston, a condom is required for this procedure. Now drop your trousers and lean across the exam table ....."
Well, the good news is....
Hm. Sounds like you should reinstall your cerebral cortex and reboot.
"Well, I've not seen one like that before."
Ah, simple. It's a textbook case. Hold on while I take a look in the textbook.
Congratulations, Mr. Murphy! A picture of the nethermost regions of your sigmoid colon will soon appear in the International Journal of Proctology. I have never seen one as intriguing as yours.
Should I attempt to revive the gerbil, Mr. Gere?
Excellent! There's some research I'm engaged in and you may be able to help. Have you ever heard of Dr Duncan MacDougall?
Hi! Nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Kevorkian.
The operation was a complete success. Unfortunately, we took out the wrong kidney.
Well, we did the genetic testing to find a suitable marrow donor and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your cousin Sheila is a match, the bad news is that your dad absolutely does not match you genetically and is therefore NOT your biological father. Don't look at ME like that! Ask your Mom what happened.
"I'll be with you in a moment Mr. Blythe, just as soon as I finish my mornington crescent."
It appears from the scan that you have....NO BRAIN!
"oh christ.. hold on a minute..." [falstaff] murderer! or at least an attempted one.
Let me consult my colleauges on the MC5 medical server to find out what can be done about that missing funny bone of yours, Mrs. Pickering.
We've found out what's wrong with you, Mr. Moynihan. I'll try to put in very simple terms for you: There's an inflammatory fistula in the anteriomedial segment of your submandibular parotid sinus, which is now compressing the seventh cranial nerve ganglion plexus, but which fortunately bypasses the thyroglossal duct by a millimeter. However, its proximity to the posterior parathyroid segmental cannulus will necessitate the initial removal of the fibrocystic uvulolaryngeal abcess that's draining into your pneumothorax causing the clonic paroxysmal spasms of your bronchiolar fundus.
"Well, the good news is you don't need to worry about the government raising the pension age."
"The baby seems healthy enough on the ultrasound, but it looks like those claws are designed so it can cut its way out on its own."
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