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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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Cat People (the remake)
The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.
Spiderman
There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.
The Piano
A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.
The Never Ending Story
Approximately 94 minutes running time.
An American In Paris
Gene Kelly plays Jerry Mulligan, an American living in Paris.
The King and I
King of Siam and the governess of his children spend some time over 2 hours sexlessly bickering. Then he dies.
Anna and the King
Like the above movie, but without Yul Brynner, or any songs to take your mind off the fact that the King of Siam has hair.
Shaun of the Dead
The British are largely zombies for a while and the rest of them aren't and need to run away from them and/or hit them with sticks to avoid becoming a finger buffet. The affliction isn't explained, but looks gross. If you've never seen a man be pulled apart, whilst still alive, before your very eyes, why, now's your chance!
Speed
A disaster movie set on public transport.
Grease
Movie musical in which a young woman spends entire story steadfastly refusing to give into sexist pressures, and then does. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta both star in skin-tight black clothing.
The Ladykillers (the original)
Alec Guinness and company fail to kill somebody.
The Ladykillers (the remake)
Tom Hanks and company fail to kill somebody. In incomprehensible accents.
The Meaning of Life
The Meaning of Life is not revealed satisfactorily. And you can't find the fish either. Lots of vomit.
E.T.
An alien comes to earth, but does no harm and returns home.
Lord of the Rings
There's this gold ring, lots of people after it,supurb battles,mega bucks scenery, some little people with hairy feet take charge, the ring is melted.
Batman
Completely out to lunch and thoroughly surreal; Dickie Bird is misrepresented as The Penguin, and I do not even begin to understand what Catwoman is all about; merely demonstrates beyond all shadow of doubt that Americans do not understand cricket at all.
The Singing Detective
An intriguing nineteen-forties thriller in which you never find out who killed the girl. Mixed in with some filler material about a sick author in hospital, although the period detail tends to lapse in these sequences.
Abigail's Party
Neither Abigail nor her party appears in this due to budget shortages.
Waiting for Godot
(actually, no, I shan't bother with this one, since a plain synopsis would do the job just as well).
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Another adaptation of Hamlet, but with crucial details cut out such that the story is very difficult to follow.
Oedipus Rex
A man loves his mother very much.
The complete works of Plato
Socrates annoys a lot of people and gets executed without ever finding a satisfactory definition of piety.
And I know that's a book - but how much worse would the film version be?
Jack and the Beanstalk... er... the movie
The hero, a failure, steals from, then murders a successful sky-dweller, motivated entirely by envy and sizeist prejudice.
Cinderella
Typical rags-to-riches plot, weakened by the unbeleivable glass slipper episode.
Superman
Incredibly, the entire movie contains not one single reference to Nietzsche.
Spaceballs
"Let's do Star Wars, with jokes! Or perhaps not."
The Merchant of Venice
Jews are bad. Transvestives are good. Meddling dead people know what's best for you.
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
The movie begins when the earth blows up, this is found to be insignificant.(I know that the movie is not out yet but hey)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV version)
The plot is of the radio series is chopped up, rearranged and generally screwed around with. This is also found to be insignificant.
The Taming of the Shrew
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Danny the Champion of the World
His father is a petty thief, and he learns petty theivery from him. No-one dies.
Citizen Cane
Rosebud was his sled.
Polar Express
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Indigo
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
What The Bleep
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
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