The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
I'm really your mother
'Tho I look like your brother
and these 38D's are quite fake.
[C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
Why can't we have kippers for tea?
Why can't we have kippers for tea?
Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
Serve with bread on a tray
Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
And
A rumour is going around
That Dubya said something profound
It's just propaganda
But it does make you wonder
If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
There once was one Linesman too much,
Who cried when the ball was in touch
The hue that ensued,
Led to language quite rude
Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
Despite having four hours to spare
Before their flight took to the air
They still turned up late
, Got stopped at the gate,
Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
Once upon a time in the west,
A cowpoke was washing his vest
He used best manure
Which he'd always procure
From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
You really must make up your mind
Before I grab at your behind
Or other protrusions
I might leave contusions
You see, I'm not that refined.
A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
which proves that its brain
while beginning to drain
Is thinking of skipping instead
I'm trying to learn all my lines
Err...prompt!
And in danger of incurring fines
The thespians art
Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
From the hole out of which the sun shines
"Please fondle my buttocks," he said
"Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
But instead, I grabbed hard
and rubbed them with lard!
And watched as he slid out the bed!
A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
But you'd best leave it locked
and not at half cocked!
Just see what the chambermaid brings.
There was a young lass from Jakarta
Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
To finish her off
A cocktail Molotov
Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
To take a day off
'Cause He had a bad cough
and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
The first thing you see in Valhalla
Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
The men in nice frocks
With cross-gartered socks
Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
There was a great cat called Sylvester
'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
This great suppuration
-- viscous, pustuled libation --
Was caused by a visit to Chester.
A big killer whale named George
Whose fav'rite game was Cheddar Gorge
While eating some krill
said "this makes me ill"
'And causes my bowel to engorge' ...assuming whales *have* bowels. Even if they don't, at least I ended the damn thing *pats self on back*
To start with I need to point out
My left foot is swollen with gout
To astonishing size
It might win a prize
- A year's worth of claret and stout. ouch!
A sinister beast is the spider (pen) Ouch indeed. :-)
She's got miles of thick rope coiled inside her
So best to ensnare
little beasts in her lair
Replacing a health care provider
My horny Aunt Heather once said:
I'd rather be single than wed
But don't push your luck
Or a railway truck
Or soon you will wish you were dead
oops -
There was a young man from Okehampton (...back to a more traditional opening)
Who made the front page when he camped on unfinished sentence alert
the M25 Everyone should be alert. The country needs lerts.
by Chalfont St Giles. Mmmm, tough leave Rosie!
with (wait for it) Lucinda Lambton. (Snodders) Can't see the problem. Anything ending in -ive would do.
There once was a man writing verse , . [Rosie] but it had to scan with your short line 3!
All rhymes that he knew were perverse
To the innocent ear
They sounded quite queer
But seemed quite straight-laced in reverse
The mysteries of quantum mechanics (Snodders) Well, it's got 5 sillybubbles, which is about par. Don't want to start a fight, BTW. Yes, I do. :-)
Drove Einstein himself into panics
Cause he knew… but we don’t
That some particles won't
Listen to tunes by the "Manics"
Said Ringo, "I know what to do!"
In addition to counting 'One, Two!'
'These drums I will thrash'
And pocket the cash [Rosie] OK ok, it looked hard anyway!
And read Thomas the Tank Engine too.
Late last night, I lay in my bed
As a nightmare flew over my head
Who will it frighten? Well, grab me by the incubus
I felt myself tighten
'Calm Down Dear' the white haired man said .Everyone a Winner
I hear Nancy is throwing out Sven
They're all just the same. Bloody men!
Their cock's rule their heads!
Just screw – without threads,
They just don't understand us at all, these wo-men.
For breakfast I had two boiled eggs
To steady my long, wobbly legs
Unfortunate-ly [Software - you takin' the p*ss?]
Twenty cups of green tea
have reduced my digestion to dregs. (Chalky) W.S.Gilbert lives!
Whilst list'ning to the Mika-do
My cake mix flopped - needs thicker dough. (Bigsmith) I'll get you for this, you bastard. :-)
So I added some flour
And in just half an hour
My gateau was ready to go.
While practising scales on the 'cello (Snods/Raak) Blimey, that was quick. Have you got your own domestic blast furnace, or something?
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
One string snapped with a "twang" Great 'cello-playing cartoon on page 13 of this week's Private Eye
Shit - simulposted. Thought that couldn't happen on here. Ignore me.
Of erroneous love
'Twas the music of love (Bigsmith) It always happens when you think you've got a brilliant line, doesn't it?
(Sorry Celare - didn't see you in there - let's have a full recap:)
While practising scales on the 'cello
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
Of erroneous love
While practising scales on the 'cello
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
Of erroneous love
Have left me decidedly mellow
My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]
And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"
I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)
About string and stand both
and kicked out at the bucket with a clang
Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!
And fill lowly peasants with fear.
As the hunt comes a-trampling
On poor Charlotte Rampling
And gives her a flea in her ear!
The holiday season is here
The time for sand, sea and beer
And drizzle, and fog
Campsites like Bog,
-nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...
My partner, Miguel
, the Argie from Hell
, Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...
Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea
a film I just don't want to see
It's nothing but dross
With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)
A mark out of five? Minus three.
And talking of towns on the coast
They say (though they don't like to boast)
That Yarmouth's the place
For black satin lace
And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.
When paying a visit to Durham hoho
I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.
And so I left Durham
(A nice town that, Durham)
And ended up in Dover, which is vile.
Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
I once met a man with three legs
Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
I once met a man with three legs
Who pushed out a basket of eggs
I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme
"are you man or god?" was that the one?
And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
An angel approached me and said:
"Permit me to point out you're dead"
"Your mortal life ended"
"Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
So well send you to Durham instead
Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
In Darlington, Durham and Dover
The law has a precedence over
The wearing of heels
But Judge often repeals
If promised a lay in the clover
One night on the beach down in Bognor
Recalling my visit to Durham
I thought of Prestatyn
and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
There was a young man from Prestatyn
Who wore on his head a gold paten
When asked to describe
The drinks he'd imbibe
He slurred he will never leave Durham
Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
To Durham, with wind in her hair
We'll get the eight-thirty
Get deep down and dirty
If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
I've got to leave old Durham town
Opp north is getting me down
I'll head West-South-West
Wearing naught but a vest
And arm bands in case that I drown
While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
, that well-known cultural haven
I stopped off in Warwick
To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
There once was a writer called Poe
Who found it so hard to say "No"
His stutter got worse
Then he'd start to curse
He still wrote classic prose, though.
Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
He still wrote some classic prose, though.
Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
His heroics will drive us insane
Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
Eschew going to see
Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
Landed at Luton as you would
Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
I've been staying oop north for two weeks
To study some birds with two beaks
Whilst quite advantageous
I find it outrageous
The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
A chick may say no, meaning yes
But heed caution, nevertheless
For the cock, in his ardour
Tries all the harder
And it ends in a helluva mess
In Bolton, there lives a strange man
Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
And Mohammed was Greek
Tony Blaire smart and chic
And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
"Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
If fault's found with your scansion
Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)
The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.
See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*
Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!
Like a well-crafted clock
Where tick follows tock
So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc
There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"
Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em
a man with no balls
Makes squeaky phone calls
[merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)
But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]
His sex drive had started to wane
When he'd finished the case of champagne
So he had 3 Viagra
Leapt over Niagara
And had sex again and again.
The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre
And deserted the people who'd kept her
she romped off with a lad
Twice as old as her dad
'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.
While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.
A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"
If it's brown, green or clear
It should not be put here!
Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.
Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html
Including a deep-diving sex-machine
So diving for muff
Will not be so tough
as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?
So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]
He once found a Rose on the heath
A mutant that sported sharp teeth
So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun
Of itself, in the dark
He nibbled her buds underneath.
One day as he mounted his horse
The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"
"To straddle a saddle"
"I must use a paddle"
"Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"
While trying to get through to my bank
To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)
I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(
And grew very old
Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone
"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
sorry - couldnt resist....
"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
By an anomyous voice I was told
This nameless deciever
sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(
I’m an asshole and need a good spank!
I haven't been here for a while
She said donning a satisfied smile
It all looks quite strange
It seems quite a change
But a Miss is as good as a mila
She read Kama Sutra, then said:
"Can you wrap both your legs round your head?"
I said, "Yes, and what's more, (dangling quote warning)
"I can spin on the floor"
She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".
The wedding went off with no hitch
'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!
But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming
For they differed in power
And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction
I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.
Whilst walking the streets late at night
Whilst walking the streets late at night
In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?
A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.
And offered a small fee
And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true
There once was a cute little pup
So small he could fit in a cup
A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.
Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!
How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up
To steal someone's "handle" is base
To steal someone's "handle" is base
The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.
For we're a happy, brave few
There is me, him and you
Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
"Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?
Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?
These insinuations
Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?
(Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)
snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
ooops!
You're an asshole and your horse is one too
You're an asshole and your horse is one too
This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....
Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here
This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line
My horsey's upset and offended
My horsey's upset and offended
The mare, which it had intended
Now she'll have no truck
With the amorous buck
So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.
You shouldn’t jump over the fence,
He said to a child who was dense
For you know not what
A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)
Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?
Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
It upset my schedule, a bit
Still, I did escape
To commit one more rape
'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.
And rest while we wash off the bile
And the phlegm and the snot
I'd much rather not
For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.
When learning the rules of a game
Let bad html take the blame
Ooh, she's so bold!
The learners she'll scold
Be kind to us please, it's a shame
Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)
Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)
She duetted with George on the uke
Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"
They could never refuse
Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.
Today it is Monday - at last
By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.
Hurry up! Time is flying!
My brain cells are dying!
And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)
'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!
With Friday just three days away
And the full-moon is bright
and up there all night
Its just clouds that get in the way
Now Tuesday is almost all spent
Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.
So let's give a cheer
And get out of here
I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!
Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.
That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is
And Wodin, you see
Is hanged to his knee
So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'
Well tried on that last limerick
Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)
For Thursday is here
Time for a beer!
But not so much that we are sick.
Not for the first time I'm here
On the plus side: look, Friday is near!
with a full weekend ahead
And black silk-sheets in my bed
Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!
One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will
On leaving work, put my hand in the till
To finance my fun
While I go on the run
I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!
Two days free, so what shall I do?
Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?
Alas, I am skint
Please give me a hint
How rude! And the same to you too!
Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography
Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely
But for those who have friends
Well, we know how it ends
- in a maze of verbose sub-pornography
But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)
Using specialist aids
And a system of grades
that suited that buttonned-up era.
My Grandfathers clock has got tics
Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)
It also has fleas
And arthritic knees
But its name is Captain Hicks.
The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand
Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!
In Venus-like fashion
A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required
Into men driving back from their bars
She was finding it hard to deny it
'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it
So she let actions speak
And drove up the creek
and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!
There once was a lim’rick molester,
Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,
His lines would not scan,
He rhymed like my gran,
Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her
If ever you have to submit
Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit
For there's little that's worse
Than to feel a bit hearse
And everyone else calls you sh... bad.
Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
“Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”
Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst
"Not a lot, my young sir"
Though my looks cause a stir
But my moustache makes most men resist
I know this sounds weird but it’s true
I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo
The first day of each spring
It endeavours to sing
The entire score from "Cat Ballou"
Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man
And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan
Called "Beaklight Express"
It will always impress
Far more than his musical scores ever can.
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)
Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)
Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"
And this precedent
Will surely cement
my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.
Insults are all part of the game
That line is so bad and too lame ;-)
So turn up the heat
Make y'r enemies bleat
And give them back more of the same.
They say it's a form of respect
When by magpies you're violently pecked
For an avian mob
It's just part of the job
They don't care if your features are wrecked
Whatever became of Cock Robin,
I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.
Well, don't look at me!
Don't do archeree
Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!
There once was a redheaded blonde
Of whom I was terribly fond
Her green brown grey eyes
And roan skewbald thighs
Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
The loveliest lady I know
Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
What she'll do for a pound
Will amaze and astound
But the therapy after will cost though
My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
And I don't know whether
we should get it together
With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
The problem with most politicians
Is their penchant for loose coalitions
They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
hit the ground with great smashing of bone
One more mountaineer
Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
Approaches the heavenly throne.
The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
But with I M Pentameter
Their footwork is amateur
And fun at them everyone pokes
She said: May I teach you safe sex?
He replied: I'm more into safe hex
But activities in Binary
despite all the finery
Beats anything by Posh and Becks
She said: May I give you a tip?
He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
But if you'll lend me a token
I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
Because I'm reclusive
But please don't take this as a snub!
wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
I shall hide in this grandfather clock
I just hope that the bob-weights
don't tickle my knob, mates,
Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
She giggled and said: “What is that?”
"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
John Howard will never be gone!
"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
So here's what I think:
We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
Because it is haunted
By spooks I'll be taunted
But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
"Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
"I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
"They look just like you."
"Have not got a clue,"
"How do you get a girl into bed?"
She will get into bed when she's ready
With curlers and mudpack and teddy
Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
Her nightgown is woolly
And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
There once was a dimwitted poet,
A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
The name - I'll reveal
His ineptitude Stress shift required.
BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
Sorry can't allow that to be seem
So who let that censor in here?
There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.
A return to more RP reciting
A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
In Florida, votes have gone missing
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -
There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!
Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Or a cat with some cream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.
So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations
Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:
Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
AXI - Internet abuse
Software - Is strictly no use
If the good guys always end up losing.
"Go away", I explode in my fury
Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
and do not come back
'Til you've found me that hack
That knobbled the judge and the jury.
"Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
"One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
Though it's crust looks quite tasty
My decision was hasty
And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
Impartial advice is quite rare
And even then, to be fair
I seldom take heed
Carpe Diem's my creed
I just do what I want with my hair
Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
I caused quite a stir
'cos I mimicked the burr
So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
They said silicone implants were fine
But my facelift went "phutt"
Any now looks like my butt
Any --> And
Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
[SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
Then give him a roast
After that, you can boast: unfini...
'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
A present is under the tree
I really hope it's for me
It's a very strange shape
and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
So I'll open it and we will all see.
"..and so, in summation", he said,
"As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
"The other missing bits..."
(toes, teeth and tits)
"Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
In a fight with the monster King Kong,
I realised something was wrong
For a start, he was tiny
and his nose it was shiny
And he emitted a terrible pong!
While paying for something by Visa
I was heckled by old Ebenezer
"Bah, humbug!" he cried
"I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
I can't see the wood for the trees
And I can't see the pod for the peas
or the grass for the blades
Or my feet for the shades
I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
With pistols at dawn, make amend!
The revolution is here
Our aim? It's not clear
Oh just how will it all end.
With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
That's how Iraq will end the old year
But not every place
With a US army base
will necessarily cheer.
And so, Merry Christmas to all!
I hope that you all had a ball
And all those at work
For whom it must irk
To be 24/7 on call.
So 2004's nearly done
I just wish it had been much more fun
In 2005
I will not deprive
The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
Happy New Year, to one and to all
And may your big things not grow small
If this should occur
due to alcohols blur
then piss up against that there wall. Plunge the knife, then, Chalky.:-)
Your target is 30 feet high
(For the Jolly Green Giant must die!)
I'll take my pea-shooter
(Blow legumes up his hooter)
And cook up his veg in a pie!
In spite of the blustery weather
I'm off for a tramp through the heather
'Cos the wind up my kilt
When I run at full tilt
Will toughen my scotum to leather oh dear oh dear oh dear....
I must say that I'm shocked and appalled! Nah, not really.
not to mention disgusted and galled [pen] what's a scotum? have I got one?
At the thought that someone
Should feel moved to con - [hey snorgs - where you beeeeen?]
us to thinking that this game had stalled! [nights] probably not yet, as you're still only very young ;o)
It was wrong, I admit and I'm sorry
To take her to a disused quarry ...bit dark perhaps?
But in my defence
I gave her ten pence
Then let her get out of the lorry dark indeed....
It's dark, deeply sordid, and wrong
Let's lighten the mood with a song
About fluffy chicks
Who go to the flicks
In pink feather boa and thong
The judge stood up straight and orated - Chalky - here and Dublin - just haven't had time to post!
The verdict that I had awaited:
"On the charge of fraud - guilty!"
And 'though not well-built, he
Smiled like a man being fellated
innocent whistling
My feet are too big for my shoes !
innocent whistling
My feet are too big for my shoes !
I've been wearing a pair of canoes!
But they haven't, as yet unfini...
Let me down in the wet
So I've booked for a trans-urban cruise. .. bon voyage
My balls itch so bad...
Stimpy, that line is WAY too short. It should be AT LEAST 7 syllables. Unless it was just a general comment - in which case, see your doctor!
If you find that your balls have an itch
If you find that your balls have an itch
Dip them into a tub of hot pitch
While it might make them swell
it's just as well
that your sex life was never that rich. (Raak) you're a sadist, man/
I find proper grammer attractive
Which suggests that my sex life's inactive
When I see a subjunctive
(Would it were conjuctive)
My libido becomes hyperactive
there once was a man from tashkent
Who, somehow, contrived to invent
A portable hole
and an inverted pole
And a corkscrew that was straight and not bent.
meanwhile, an old woman in Essex see how pretty things can be on these things?
Lay a claim to the Duchy of Wessex
The root of her title
Was a deed to a pightle
(bought with numerous fraudulent checks) (nights)What things?
at the same time, in darkest frome [snorgle] these forums on the INTarWeB, they can be so pretty when everyone works together
A maiden was lured to her doom [nights] we've visited frome before... ;o)
A talll man in black
who smelt like a yak and had a 50% excess in the "L" department. Better than three buttocks, I suppose.
Tickled her bits with a broom
A one-legged man from porthcawl as we are in this mode
Got pinned up against a brick wall
But with one mighty hop
He sprung into a shop
and gave the police a call [pen] what on earth FOR?
A disabled old bailiff from York
Had a peg-leg, capped off with a cork [nights] To argue about its pronunciation, of course!
His hand was a hook
His belly - it shook
whenever threatened with a spork [pen] there's no point - somerset people rarely see reason...
A train bound for South Abertawe
Was last seen en route to Malawi Hi all.
The points were set wrong Now, does everybody know that the last two syllables (out of the 4) of Abertawe rhyme, more or less, with the first 2 syllables of "sou' wester" and, furthermore, it's only bloody Swansea in Welsh anyway. I'll get the breakdown gang. :-)
Just outside Kampong
When some hitchikers yelled "Going our way?" No, Rosie - well at least not me.
Hitchikers are normal people but they do occasionally drop their aitches.
*grumble* Banter Game?
Chalky - If you race round the M25
You might see the ghost
Of the last man to post
That is, if Chalky's left him alive! *enters Witness Protection Programme*
Come on, guys, pay attention to the correct stresses of the syllables in the scansion... that last line *simply* *does* *not* *work* in any way, shape or form. Please learn how a limerick works.
I know that I'm quite the offender
When I go on a fifty day bender
But my very besht friend
Tries to pretend
That he is my staunchest defender.
The trouble with being a pedant JLE] It could work (possibly) without that rogue comma - stress on if and left, that is more like that's?
Is you're less well beloved than a red ant
And as hierarchies go
Red ants score quite low
So ease up and you'll be more pleasant. =)
Quite terrible things will occur
should it be that you fail to concur
So now you'll agree
You really want me
Even though I'm a "he" not a "her"
If you wish to determine my sex
You'll have to sign seven blank cheques
Stick three up your arse,
At the others, throw darts
And give both my cheeks sev'ral pecks
'A new lease of life' is a phrase
That is true in just so many ways
But it doesn't apply
To the mote in my eye
That afflicts me today of all days
I gambled, and now it's all lost
I gambled, and now it's all lost
as they say in Brum, it's all "bost"
It's back to the streets
Dressed in re-cycled sheets
of old wallpaper, nicely embossed.
Playing golf, I am twelve over par
'Cos I can't hit the ball very far
I find when I swing
(and now, here's the thing)
I'm losing control of the car
My handicap now is just four
little mites crawling 'round on the floor
Must find a solution
To nappy pollution
Perhaps I'll just show 'em the door...
Some music has ended the day
The Birdie Song sent us away
Although it was naff
A friendly chiff-chaff
Set all our hips asway.
Instead of complaining all day
The Birdie Song is what we'll play
Or perhaps Agadoo
or Kajagoogoo
or 'Shaddup your face' by Joe Dolcé.
I can't get it out of my head
My brain (which is really learned)
This heavy gold mind
Is a burden, I find
So I never get up out of bed.
I once wrote a line that was good
And hid it in my Christmas pud
I poured custard on it
And then ate my sonnet
And now 'writer's block's understood
I opened the cupboard to find
I've clearly gone out of my mind
the jams and the sauces
And other resources
Are gone - all I have's bacon rind.
Your starter for ten runs like this:
What's the pH of elephant piss?
And if no-one knows
I shall have to suppose
The answer lies in the abyss
These Limericks are making no sense
Any more than pounds, shillings and pence
But the payment we get
Shows demand's being met
For rhyme that's banal, crass and dense.
Book early to get the best fare
Let the train take the strain if you dare
But if your destination
Is a Northern Line station
Dress boldly - clothe yourself in Edgeware!
Reselling my clothes on ebay
I blindly gave myself away
When I sold my best garter
I fumbled the barter
I went to the grocery store yesterday
The key to a pithy last line
Was lost on the banks of the Tyne
The poet, ashamed,
on dyslexia blamed,
His failure to lyrically shine
There's naught I like more than to shout
At the lads "C'mon, get it out!"
I'm sometimes surprised [nice one muttleee :-)]
That something so prized
Is so rarely bandied about
You'll get your extremities cold T/s/C/D/C - excellent!
Unless you will do what you're told
So I'm telling you now
Stick your hands in a cow © Dunx
Or a maiden from Stow-on-the-Wold
Cotswold ladies can react quite badly
When seduced by a schoolboy from Radley
They throw up their arms
And expose all their charms
Which are not all that charming, quite sadly
Until now I had never known fear
Until now I had never known fear
But my arm is now stuck up the rear unfinished sentence alert
Of a gestating cow
and what I need now
Is a booking on Brighton's West Pier
I've booked a half-page colour space bloody newspapers
(On which to emblazon my face)
It may cost a lot
but I'll give it a shot
My address is attached - just in case.
I threw up my arms in dismay
Distraught at the death of Fay Wray
at the hands of a monkey
So sprightly and spunky
a girl was gorilla paté.
The disturbance this evening in Maine god, I hope nothing's actually happened in Maine
For news of which we search in vain If we're that sad.
I am told was a shocker
It took place in a locker
But no trace of events do remain. ... bugger
Explosive and dangerous stuff
is Marmite stains on a shirt cuff
For, when they ignite,
Not even "Allbrite"
Can douse the flames quite well enough.
When rain stops play at Trent Bridge
I immediately dive for the fridge
In its depths I discover
My previous lover
That's Mary (with Mungo and Midge)
A cloak of the finest azure
With sequins and feathers galore
Is the best thing to wear
When you have an affair
And it beats 'doing it' on the floor
A dog and a cat and a hat
An ice-skate and large cricket bat
A man, a canal,
A plan quite banal
The result? An unsolved dingbat.
Most people who went to my school
Epitomised liminal cool
The rest of the nerds
Who travelled in herds
Are the ones who are destined to rule.
It's true that us nerds have an edge nice finish, Raak
In signing the temperance pledge
Because we can't drink
We think we can think
With more than our meat and two veg.
Confucius said: “This new year,”
just adding a tiny syllable ...
Confucius he said: "This new year
Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
Confucius he said: "This new year
Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
It's flavoured with lichees
And, doing your tai chis,
will get you slung out on your ear.
Whilst on the razz, dressed as a nun
I happened upon a shotgun
I'd no need to worry
As I was in Surrey
A great place to be 'on the run'
Your honour, I plead mitigation
Because of this strange litigation
I'm stuck in this dock
Because of my cock a doodle doo
which I exposed at East Croydon station. What's the problem? Nobody would notice because they're all wittering into their sodding mobiles. (Tuj) Bad luck!
The judge showed no mercy at all continuing the story...
and had me chained up to a ball
He duly proclaimed Rosie] for the sake of decency, it could still be an animal...
I deserved to be blamed
For the rate of exchange in Nepal
The answers which all of us seek
Will be broadcast on telly next week
When Richard and Judy
And an overweight foodie
Will consume a quarter-ton leek
Whilst overindulging on veg
I managed to fall into a hedge
Beneath which, I found
ten dollars, one pound
And an ageing gay rocker named Reg
A predisestablishmentarian
Said this, to a parliamentarian
"The Bishop of Ely (snorgle) Are you absolutely certain that Parliament existed in the predisestablishment era? I only arsk. :-)
Just gave me a feely
Which proves he's a humanitarian."
And copped an incredibly hairy one
sorry - Simulpost Carry on
'On a course aimed at self-cultivation
We learned about auto-cremation
So give me a match
And a nicorette® patch
Self-esteem, Self-respect, immolation!
Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
*sigh*
Exteleologicalism
Exteleologicalism
When spelled wrong can cause rheumatism
But with letters correct
It is not, I suspect
A reason for triumphalism
Proper spelling's a thing that's essential
Lest your writing's deemed inconsequential
So practise with letters
As do all good typesetters hope that's spelt right . . .
When slinging the lead to their betters.
Vary the rhyme scheme for kicks!
Or instead of just five lines, write six!
Yes, lengthening's one of our tricks.
When we get to the middle
Of the Rhymsterists's riddle
Attempting to fiddle
Around with the form, and to mix
In even more words, making the whole structure very hard to fix.
*Bing-bong* An announcement for you:
Pink will henceforth be sky-blue
Red is now Green
Fergie is now Queen
And all that was false is now true.
This lim'rick, in truth, is a lie
It was written by him on the sly
While him on the swings
Eating butterfly wings
Was sitting there wondering why.
While binning a pile of junk mail
I bumped into Donna McPhail
She's lived in my bin
With her patrilineal kin
writing jokes which invariably fail
My golden retriever once said
I fancy a trip to the Med
I sent him at once
'cos they've now banned the hunts
Which makes it hard keeping him fed.
On a bus into town one morning
A huntsman jumped on, without warning
, yelled, "Follow that Fox!"
Pointed at my red socks
I said, "They're pinks, now stop all that fawning"
While murdering a Chopin Mazurka
Veiled in her secretmost bhurka
The lady concerned
Amusingly gurned
And dreamed of her broad-chested Gurkha.
The cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet
doubled as stagehands building the set
Their cry was, "Oh Lordie!" [setting up a rhyme there]
"We're almost all Geordie!"
"Except for that daft Brummy get!"
^^^^ Very good one! ^^^^
In time, we will look back and laugh
At the day we got stuck in the barf
As the water was rising
What we found most surprising
was the vulgar response of the staff.
Simplicity runs in my veins
I don't care for lacquers or stains
I like everything plain
I'll say it again:
I use spoons to hack off my chilblains.
The rain in Spain's mainly on plains
As stated by those with large brains
But the snow in Oslo
As any fule kno
Is there in spite of the Danes
The frost in Spain's mainly on cars
And the ex-pat's are mainly in bars
They get drunk most nights
And dress up in red tights
And dance like there's frost in their drawers
For those who are cymbocephalic
Cries of "egghead" ("oeuftête" if you're Gallic)
You look like a Martian
Much less than a Spartan Bastard rhyme, Rosie
All in all, you look really quite phallic.
Some people, it seems, like the snow (Softers) As I realised too late. :-(
But what I like, I really don't know
I've tried asking my
psychoanalyst why
I'm so fond of the stuff. He don't know Sorry for the grammar,but had to be done.
My fav-our-ite colour is blue
Dunno why, strange but it's true snorgs] simulposted, but I agree with you ;]
And that sky blue pink
I what most people think
I = Is :-(
Is a warning when bad weather's due. .. shepherds, notably. [not sure where you were heading with that line, Software, but I did my level best]
Personal hygiene's a must
In the places where gathers most dust
That hole in the tummy
is not always yummy
Go elsewhere to express your lust. Sage advice
One should never hide one's own smell
For perfume will damn you to hell
Especially if male
Are smelling like "Dead Whale"
For your pheromones will ring someone's bell.
The flowers that bloom in the spring Ought to be in quotes, really.
Are worn in the beard of the king
So let us cheer
And quaff lots of beer
And do ye olde "whoop-de-doo" thing.
Line. Drat.
The truth about Morecambe and Wise
Is they both shared the same pair of eyes
No-one could tell
save Eskimo Nell
Which joker was which, for a prize.
There once was a poet from Bonn
Who had lots of clothing to don
From her thong to her coat
and her little pet Stoat
Backwards strip-tease is a con!
If you are a fan of punk rock
You're locked in a timewarp, old cock. (Simons Mith) Quel espèce de con?
Such a '70's fad
You're worse than my dad
Whose tank-top and sideburns I mock.
Les mots vulgaires sont, ici, [rosie] j'suis tant choqué.
Je plaid coupable, tant pis. (nights) Well, at least someone got the joke. :-)
Par exemple, rupettes
Ou une bite à baguette
c'est chouette, quand nous faisons ceci. [rosie] what can I say, j'suis geeque.
The last one was lost in translation
No great loss (francophile masturbation)
When language gets screwed
And poets are lewd
We'll just leave to play Bifurcation.
Please start without me, I'm on leave/There once was a Lim'rick for sale
{And I've something that's hid up my sleeve / There's no chance of a sudden reprieve } / { Which came with a free pint of ale / Which was rather too old and too stale }
{Is this a dagger?; I'll produce it when/I'm doomed to remain; For fourty-eight hours}
{And a packet of nuts; It was Ruddles' best/The old man from Dover; Fresh blood was required}
{And a packet of nuts; It was Ruddles' best/The old man from Dover; Fresh blood was required}
| Please start without me, I'm on leave |
| And I've something that's hid up my sleeve |
| Is this a dagger? |
| Or far Wagga-Wagga |
| Or an old Eton fagger |
| I'll produce it when |
| I'm a master of Zen |
| The time's right, and then |
| There's no chance of a sudden reprieve |
| I'm doomed to remain |
| On this long-delayed plane |
| On a far darkling plain |
| For fourty-eight hours |
| I must grade all these flours |
| I shall drink whiskey sours |
| There once was a Lim'rick for sale |
| Which came with a free pint of ale |
| And a packet of nuts |
| With a taste of goat butts |
| And some choice sirloin cuts |
| It was Ruddles' best |
| Called Old Everquest |
| And stank of birds' nests |
| Which was rather too old and too stale |
| The old man from Dover |
| Who smuggled it over |
| Said "I'm glad it's over" |
| Fresh blood was required |
| To make it inspired |
| To set it on fire |
I'll have a go at the first one:
Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or far Wagga-Wagga
It's neither [or so I believe]
Left over from last New Year's Eve?
Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or an old Eton fagger
If so, then I must be naïve
Applying some fresh Ibuleve®?
Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
I'm a master of Zen
And then, only then will retrieve
A state which is hard to achieve.
Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
The time's right, and then
My state of mind you will perceive
You'll see why my name isn't Steve
Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On this long-delayed plane
Feeling sick with a strong urge to heave
With a cousin of Christopher Reeve
Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On a far darkling plain
With only this basket to weave
With piles of old timber to cleave.
Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I must grade all these flours
Amongst those who pillage and thieve
After which, a sponge cake I'll receive
Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I shall drink whiskey sours
It's by far the best way I can grieve.
At this rate I'll never conceive
I see no-one has yet attempted the second mighty-furcation - The Lim'rick for sale one...
Yesterday - it took me quite a long time to find 16 viable rhymes for the Please start without me one, and as I didn't want to hog the whole thing ... I stopped there. Anyone up for it?
Yesterday - it took me quite a long time to find 16 viable rhymes for the Please start without me one, and as I didn't want to hog the whole thing ... I stopped there. Anyone up for it?
[Chalks] A whole morning, and nobody has dared reply... Whaddyawannadoo?
Chalky] Go for it.
OK - here's part two:
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
With a taste of goat butts
No kidding - just try and inhale!
And seventeen newly plucked quail
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
And some choice sirloin cuts
Just right for the discerning male
A feast of gargantuan scale!
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
Called Old Everquest
So called 'coz it's beer's holy grail
Available only by mail
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
And stank of birds' nests
When newly blown down in a gale
But tasted of rancid ox tail
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Who smuggled it over
Went straight to her majesty's jail
Dropped dead from a surfeit of kale
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Said "I'm glad it's over"
"The new version I'll now unveil"
"The rhyme pattern WAS rather frail."
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To make it inspired
It's now reading Language at Yale
To be a nonsensical tale
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To set it on fire
And fresh words for comic detail
And give it that sting in the tail
*phew*
*creates a thunderous round of applause*
*gapes in awe. actually in bath, not awe, but you get the idea*
*WOW, very impressive masterpiece of bifurcation!*
There once was a Virgin so chaste ...not thinking of Camilla...?
Who refused to marry in haste ...no, no similarities at all...
Chalky] *jumps up and down cheering* WOW! Do we have a new game idea here?
Chalky] *jumps up and down cheering* WOW! Do we have a new game idea here?
"I'd rather," she said Chalky] Wow! Irouleguy] Well, there is still the furcation game...
"Keep wetting the bed"
"than indulge in an act so debased."
I'n't there 'owt else to eat but this food?
Ah'm clammin' and I'm norrin the mood
Fer this fancy frog shite
W'll 'av me up al' nite
unless . . .Aww Noooah, ah've pooed.
The duck à l'orange is delicious [I wonder .. do people still eat that?}
And the sole meniere is nutritious [Chalks] Yes, I had it on my birthday, last month. It was delicious.
The crème caramel
Has gone down very well
But the wafer mints make me suspicious.
Waiter! The bill, if you please / Excuse me, can we get the check [Raak] That had me laughing out loud.
As soon as we've finished our cheese/And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec/Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec/Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Our taxi awaits/The hideous stilton / It's cold enough out/The troublesome weather // The flight from Toronto/It flies in an hour / Except for the beer/I've got an account
curse you, botherer... okay, I'll try line four
[Jux] Ha! that happened to me last time - Raak beat me to Line 4 by about 10 minutes. So I copped Line 5. Deep joy :-)
Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
Our taxi awaits
So no further debates / In the United States
Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
The hideous stilton
You serve at the Hilton / Could cause one to wilt on
Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
It's cold enough out
That my pitcher of stout / To destroy without doubt
Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
The troublesome weather
Has froze us together / Has ruined the leather
Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
The flight from Toronto
Is taking off pronto / Will quickly be gone so
Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
It flies in an hour
By platypus power / So bring it right now or
Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Except for the beer
Charge that to Rich Gere / And these hazelnuts here
Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
I've got an account
Of a stunning amount / Thanks to Ms. Lisa Blount
As soon as we've finished our cheese
Our taxi awaits
So no further debates / In the United States
Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
The hideous stilton
You serve at the Hilton / Could cause one to wilt on
Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
It's cold enough out
That my pitcher of stout / To destroy without doubt
Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
The troublesome weather
Has froze us together / Has ruined the leather
Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
The flight from Toronto
Is taking off pronto / Will quickly be gone so
Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
It flies in an hour
By platypus power / So bring it right now or
Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Except for the beer
Charge that to Rich Gere / And these hazelnuts here
Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
I've got an account
Of a stunning amount / Thanks to Ms. Lisa Blount
[Jux] Bravo!
*hankers for a plain vanilla limerick*
pen] me too! If I read Irouleguy's comment in Banter correctly, the last installment will be appearing in the Bifurcation Game - so-o-o-o ...
Chalky - It's plain that for easy digestion
Five lines is the best, there's no question
If you squeeze any more
It becomes quite a bore
, to say nothing of mental congestion. Couldn't 'aandle that last lot. This is more like it.
True Lim'ricks will follow these rules: (...well, not at this site anyway ;-)
Good metre and rhyme are their tools
The scansion shall flow
The humour be low
The poets must always be fools.
Low humour is more of an art
An vulgarity sets one apart
*and, rather than an
So don't trust to luck
The use of cheap muck
Is ideal to make up your part
We'll greet the new day with a smile
And then enjoy breakfast in style
Croissants and coffee
Bats coated in toffee
And virgins we'll get to defile.
My cat has got stuck in the hoover
listening to the Bolan Groover
Now they jam in duette
Singing Alanis Morrissette
And Doug Sahm's She's about a mover
Whilst buying some bread at the shops
I also bought barley and hops
You may say that's small beer
But never you fear!
My pot still makes potcheen that's the tops!
Testing, one two and three
Why's this microphone wired to me?
'cos nothing I say
will enliven your day
More than watching daytime TV.
Turn left then go right at the gate
Twenty paces, then remove some slate
In the hole that you'll find
Is some bacon rind
Bring it here, put it straight on my plate. yum yum
My instincts, though somewhat subdued
Involve the consumption of food
My nibbling nature
Destroyed every plate yer
Put in front of me - ain't I rude?
My birthday's just one day away
I'll be ninety-three, so my kids say
But deep down I know
All the wild oats I sow
Is what has turned my hair grey.
I'm going to buy a new house
One which comes with a resident mouse Sorry, rab.
who will nibble my cheese
And give the kids fleas
And teach them to speak fluent Scouse KC - welcome back!
I'm going to buy a new love
Who'll hopefully fit like a glove
we'll skip 'mongst the daisies
Like a couple of crazies
Whilst vultures circle above
I once had a thoroughbred buzzard
well jolly good for you - didn't know they existed
All the vultures and kites thought he wuz 'ard
He married a thrush
Though had a mad crush
Chalky] I can as long as my poetic licence is in date.
On a peregrine falcon from Luzzard.
I once had a Falcon called Ken
Who drank all the scotch in my den
His resulting bad head
Imploded then bled
All over my carpet - bloody alcoholic falcons, ruined it is. RUINED, I tell you.
sorry, couldn't resist.
There once was a chap from Khartoum
sorry, couldn't resist.
There once was a chap from Khartoum
Who scootered a way to his doom
Up the old Khyber Pass
Keeping Off The Grass
'cos it's really strong stuff, I assume.
I once knew a kestrel named Don
Who wasn't sure which side he was on
Though he he quite liked the hens Thanks Irouleguy - good to be back :)
err excuse the double 'he' - I was not in fact laughing (it's too early in the limerick for that) What I in fact meant was
Though he quite liked the hens
Though he quite liked the hens
He hung out in the Men's
I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone
I can't look; if I do I am cursed
by those who despise Damien Hirst
Because he's preserved
A sheep dipped in derv
But you'll have to admit - that's a first.
As I stepped away from the urinal
I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl
Then I slid to the sink
Set my nose in a kink
Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll
When dogs catch the scent of a pine
They'll either cock a leg or whine
But the worst part is this
On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)
And the owners a £25 fine
There's going to be an election
So gentlemen, wear some protection
For what's coming up
From the depths of my cup
It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.
On this day of a right royal wedding
All adultrous stigma they're shedding
But to just say 'Ones Sorry'
For a 31-year foray
Would ignore many sessions of bedding
I bring you a new kind of drink
It is made with the musk of a mink
And, since it is fizzy,
You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)
And spill most of the drink down the sink
I did about half, then gave up
It's so hard to wash a whole cup
With hands that are soft
I just lazily waft
Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup
The battle for gold is intense
though tin's just as good, and less dense
The bronze age's agent
Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
But steel wire's the best for a fence
I'm willing to negotiate
Please Joe, say it ain't so
argh, sorry...
Kim - I'm willing to negotiate CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
By quarter to three
Then we can make it before its too late
variation time:
May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
I'll start with
I'm willing to negotiate
So tell me please, what's your best rate?
If we can agree
By quarter to three
My ego won't over-inflate.
May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
I'll start with
I'm willing to negotiate
So tell me please, what's your best rate?
If we can agree
By quarter to three
My ego won't over-inflate.
[Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
[CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
By four-o-clock I'll find a date
This time I won't procrastinate
So let's get it on
Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
Chalky - Before this mood's gone
Chalky - Before this mood's gone
So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
[CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
And slide on the floor
And collide with the door
Taking care not to bite on your lip
There once was an artist from Prague
Who painted the central Camargue
White horses galore
Galloping along the shore
Entre toute des grandes vagues
There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
With her legs e're so long
And quadriceps strong
And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
A gent who was sent up to Ghent
Caused havoc wherever he went
When he jourmeyed from Aix
"journeyed"...
He let loose a hex
Since his pronunciation was bent
You give me lager when I ask for beer
And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
And you just watch me disappear!
"Would you like an extra strong mint?"
As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
Can only be said
"I'd rather be dead!"
"Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
When you finish your call and ring off
I can't help but think "what a toff"
Your accent is posh
You talk utter tosh
From my list you will now be struck orff.
I once met a psychic named Beth
Who told me the date of my death
It was two months ago
Which just goes to show
Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
I died on the first day of Spring
And lay dead as a very dead thing
I nourish the worms
But can't come to terms
With r&b, swingbeat or bling
The one thing to remember is this:
Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
Urine-soaked feet
For girl's is not neat
You'll not be number one for a kiss.
The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
Know just how to make a good play go
Their theatre's fame
Derives from its name:
"The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
The insurance you sold me's no cushion
So don't come back round to me pushin'
With your foot in the door
Your patter's a bore
So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
Let's open a new pack of verses
So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
They cost a pound each
The basics we'll teach
Of rhyming and meter and curses
The people who live down the road
Have cornered the market in woad
They paint themselves blue
An interesting hue
Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
One holiday weekend in May
I went to a very strange play
Just an empty old stage
Holding Nicholas Cage
With music by John. Stay away.
I wish I could play violin
'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
Like fiddling the books
With too many cooks
Can lead to many a sin
rats misaligned
In politics, all is not fair
Unless you support Tony Blair
Whose radical stance
on invading France
Touched the heart of the public right there.
The wilderness threatens my garden
So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
I'll brandish this scythe
And Paraquat-ize
And wait for the green concrete to harden
Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
Are the place where we'd all like to be
Yes, grab a granny
And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
I bring you the following news:
The government's bought Rodney Bewes
They're selling Mo Mowlam
(She was just a golem)
And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!
[pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
[Rosie] Top finishing btw
[K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
She attributes her high popularity
To her straightforward honest vulgarity
Her Je ne sais quoi
And the size of her bra Sorry...
Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
Oh, woe and alas and alack!
My baby's been caught smoking crack!
I do hope her craving
Will stop her from shaving
The fur off our guinea pig's back.
I've been lost for a rather long time
Got stuck in the sunniest clime
It might sound inviting
But not when you're fighting
for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
I'll take stacks of beer
To the end of the pier
And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
They really do get on my wick
So next time I'll wait
till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
[Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
It seems I just can't stop this racket
Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
Pulled from my belt
And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
I double-post here to spare Kim
For too many first lines is grim
But third line is easy
By the fourth, I am queasy
Now we're done, so back over to him
If you think this is me - well it's not
But quite who it is, I forgot
It certainly aint me
And I am not he
So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
Three hundred grams of hard cheese
Lovingly applied to the knees
Will server to save
A maid or a knave
From vicious attacks of large bees
While applying a nice coat of lacquer
My wrist just gets limper and slacker
But, once it dries off
I stiffen and cough
Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
A frivolous lass from Manchester
Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
I will not go into that teepee
I'll stay in my yurt
, my loins primly girt
I simply will not let you take me!
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
Sought out the Conservative vote
For each was a Tory
A right fairy story
Politically, they've missed the boat.
The Cup has come back to North London
It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
It leaks like a sieve
But, as long as I live,
I'll boast that at least we have won one
To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
So we hid in the corner
Right behind the sauna
So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
There was a young lass from Old Sarum
Who found herself in a sheik's harem
Though worried at first,
She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
"They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
[R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
It's not a good morning for all
It's not a good morning for all
Who stayed up too late at the ball
For wine has effects
On some types of sex
Male or female, this mess will appal
I met a harpoonist from Munich
Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
He whimpered and whaled
Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
Away in his shocking pink tunic
Bangaladesh have collapsed
[UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
For their use of good grammar has lapsed
Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
[UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
Except for the glory of me
clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
They say that obsession with cricket
Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
Start yelling "Howzat!"
And "Look at my bat!"
And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
Will oft find his ball in a shrub
This provides explanation
of tight-lipped vexation
Venting frustration o'er his flub
Don't ever play poker with Mice!
And don't let the cats near the dice!
Don't play a smidgen
Of chess with a pigeon
or brag with a goat. That's vice.
Avoid playing boule with a sloth
And don't trust a Romulan's oath
When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
Get out of there fast!
Or else it's the end for you both.
There once was a fair maid from Skye
Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
She'd scrub with wire wool
(The naïve young fool)
those parts in which men like to lie.
The difference between you and me
Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
Just look down here
There's nothing to fear
I've filled up my basement with brie
I never eat lobster or crab
On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
Don't mention a taco
Tex-Mex gets me wacko
Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
A potter from Guadalajara
Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
So he threw a pot
In the shape of her bot
For use in films that don't star 'er.
There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
Who searched for a bride wide and far
In the Urals and Steppes
He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
Who were wider than his Bentley car
While charging my printer with ink
I said to my spouse with a wink
"How 'bout a quickie?"
it'll be nice "n" sticky
My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
Whilst scanning the paper for news
as distinct from political views
I chanced on a story
Both funny and gory
Of pool players impaled on cues
So, pot all the reds and screw back
And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
Then chalk your tip
And prepare to let rip
Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
Eheu Alack and Alas!
+ ,
Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
Eheu, alas and alack!
Eheu, alas and alack!
A lass is, alas, what I lack
So I'll look for a lad
Can it be that bad?
if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
[Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
Believe me, it's going to snow.
Believe me, it's going to snow.
This is Antarctica, that's how I know
The penguins are huddled
But my mind is muddled
Watch out! It's just ready to blow
Uhu, alas and alack
, is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
It sticks things together
Be they wood, steel or leather
Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
Uhuru, alas and alek!
That momma ain't got no respec'
She got soft-boiled heggs
And dem unshaven legs
And wrinkles all over her neck
Why, George, that's the best of the year!
Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
The thing I most like
Is an interest rate hike
And a drop in the price of my beer
My alias, Alec O'Hara
Wears orange and ocre mascara
His glitter-gel pen
Gives a rash, now and then
But makes him look like Che Guevara
Establish your characters first
The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
The love interest's next
With scenes of hot sex
And the heroine's bodice all burst
Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
(whose office with virgins is strewn)
Their readers adore
Affairs by the score
And sex by the light of the moon.
Prepare for a minuscule death
Don't even take a last breath
Your quietus make
as your life we Snopake
'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
Salubrious parts of the town
Are located quite a way down
The old Royal Mile
So go there with style
With cigars, and dressed like a clown
The pedantic ethnologist screamed
For language was not as it seemed
Since Phoenician vowels
Would sound from the bowels
And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
A disgusting limerick, to be sure
Should be full of the stench of manure
And filled up with sick
jokes about Jackson's dick
To dirty the minds of the pure
Hypnosis with strawberry jam
Can be undone with shortcake and ham
Waved before one's left eye
With a slice of Jewish rye
And really not giving a damn!
A cell that is eukaryotic
That's steeped in substances narcotic
Has a nucleotide
Thats prone to divide
To produce an antibiotic
Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
If you think this is bad
Then you must be mad
And should be held in well-kept confines
Yipsody yapsody yok
Wha-a-a-a-?
Whaaaaaat?
The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
The clock struck eleven
The mouse went to heaven
Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
A cursory glance would suggest
That this game has matured past its best
Or perhaps that's just us
'cos we do make a fuss
C'mon all, it's all just in jest
A limerick's no laughing matter
It's more than mundane idle chatter
It must be seriously taken
And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
But time your illusions will shatter
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
Complexity's to be despised
The more succinct the better
Good metre's no fetter
To keeping your list'ner surprised
My poofreader wrote I was wong,
So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
And lo and behold
The noodles were cold
As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
A turbine and nuclear reactor
But my house is still cold!
Fission's best, I was told
But forgot thermostats in to factor
A centipede learned how to dance
A fifty-leg pirouette prance
But it just cannot jive
With my big brother Clive
As fast as these forty-odd ants
Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
The earliest type of the Irish commode
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
When my parachute did not quite open
I plummeted down and kept hopin'
The ground would be soft
Where I stopped being aloft
And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
[Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
To the men of Ukraine
Who said, "What? Again?"
"No! We think this is merely a ruse"
[Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
Who caused the Belgrano to sink
As he pulled out his plug
And it started to glug
He said "It's gone down in the drink."
The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
Beamed when his queer dean was wed
but not to Friar Tuck
Who he called "fat duck"
As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
"In search of the perfect green cheese"
But alas and alack
Ive found blue, I've found black
But none in the hue of green peas
Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
And a'tearing my garments asunder
The humidity's high
From my neck to my thigh
And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
"Abracadabra !" said the wizard
Dropping into his potion, a lizard
And a piece of a frog
Two fried balls of a hog
And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
"That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
"It's God's favoured game"
So take the Lord's name
So that He can keep showers away"
"I'm back!", cried the happy young man
I survived the war in Iran
But President Bush
Kicked us all in the tush
In the way that only he can.
Resign if you must - I don't care!
You can sue me in court -if you dare!
But you must not try
To poke me in the eye
Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
I find, when I travel in vans
That there's not enough room for my fans
My groupies and flunkeys
And trained helper-monkeys
Are forced to stay over at Gran's
Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
While I entertained
With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
So what's Shangri-La when at home?
It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
And feast on the feeling
Of pruning and peeling
And arouse yourself with a comb.
While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
I met a piano quintet
The head lama played Liszt
Another was pissed
I'm taking one home as a pet
I noticed my armpits got sweaty
whenever I thought of my Betty
My hyperhydrosis
Backs up the prognosis
That I need to cool off on the jetty.
Last night as she entered her bed,
My sweat glands started to shed
Big globules of puss
Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
O to be a perfect type - ist
And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
After riches (still top of the list)
Let's all get in tune with the nation
And channel our exasperation
To make a wrong right
We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
When you want to re-boot your PC
Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
And all will be well
Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
went once to see the Sphinx
He loved his dear camel
Whom he named after Pamel-
a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.
On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.
I discovered a cure for the 'flu
Once I'd eaten the herb
the bugs to disturb
And it cured too my coeliac sprue
"Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
To her new man - a Turkish effendi
He played not a note
Nor strummed his sarod
Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
I know I've been gone for a while
And left in a worrying style
But I've now done my time
And constructed a rhyme
To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:
My first letter looks like a tent
My second's a coin oft spent
Then ditto for three
The fourth's a trainee
And my last is the vowel in Lent
[Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
In a fairy tale that I once heard
McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
Causing Little Miss Muffet
To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
Until her-locution is slurred
I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
The Estonians booed
The Lithuanians sued
Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
On this notable day for the French
They set fire to a large garden bench
It's forty foot high
The flames reached to the sky
But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
[Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
[Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
And it's camp as pink tents
Much in line with The Financial Times.
I'm rowing the rivers for fun
While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
My subject declares
in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
"I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
A verse lacking reason or rhyme
Can be seen around here all the time
Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
Things are easily solved
Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
I once met a man from Morocco
where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
Just a pleasant mistral
Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
And winds up the chaps on our block oh
What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)
To know when to keep ones mouth shut
'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
The very idea,indeed, tut tut
It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
Had a frantic aversion to fruit
The mere thought of a plum
Left him forlorn and glum
And with bad indigestion to boot!
The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
Make a very unsettling commotion
Whose effect on landlubbers
Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
Evokes tormentuous emotion
O, list to these omens portentuous
Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
But he has feet of Clay
So send him away!
And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
While making his last bid for glory
Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
Lawks m'm, it's the police
I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
Opening a bottle blushes deeply
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
And binging, full throttle
On the whisky and beer I've got here.
While reading some tales Canterbury
Of widows and others quite merry
I marvelled at Chaucer's
linguistic enforcers
But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
[Chalks] Bravo!
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
"I'd like ta talk dirty"
"'mong the garbage get flirty"
I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
pen hates it when subordinates sulk
So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
She then hands them all out
Before they all pout
Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
The best time of year to grow leeks
Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
When Winter's well-spent
and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
"The reason is clear" he explained
"When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
and foul odour lingers
It's time for your bath to be drained."
He continued, "I think you will find
"That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
And, proving his point,
He swivelled his joint
and mounted the duck from behind.
I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
Along with a Botox® injection
To the front of the brain
Straight into a vein
To give you that facial erection
To poke fun at a pig in a poke
One needs an insensitive bloke
Who lunches on cats
And wears bright purple spats
Such as the men one finds in Stoke
Your claims have no basis in fact
Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
And manners to spare
So if you are there
You'll see that their brains are intact
Unfortunately, they are insane
So is my scansion. Let's try again.
Unfortunately, they're insane
Unfortunately, they're insane
Or so say the folks from Brisbane
But how would they know?
Since they so seldom go
Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
There was a young fellow called Keith
Who sported elongated teeth
He would prey in the night
For morsels to bite
And thusly his curse would bequeath
There was a young feller called Ernie
Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
He hadn't a line
But just let out a whine
As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
You may appear badly attired
With two mismatched socks
And your sisters best frocks
(insert apostrophe wherever desired)
and those black shiny stockings you hired.
The sandman is coming, my dear
Night drapes our celestial sphere
If you shut your eyes tight
And wish hard, you just might
In the morning, with luck, still be here
Are those French fries called French by the French?
Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
No, the French call then Frites
Because of their heat
And apply them to feet - cures the stench
I drift in a boat on the ocean
I drift in a boat on the ocean
I drift in a boat on the ocean
And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
As the French say, tout de suite,
But my vomiting's due to the motion.
And now let us celebrate summer
Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
We'll just be beach bums
Each downing neat rums
Before driving off in our Hummer
If you want to impress an old flame
Invite her to go on the game
For cricket she'll love
With bat, balls and glove
But removing the stumps was a pain
My favourite firework of all
Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
The touchpaper lit
It then scares the shit
out of children who stand under it
In the beautiful waters so clear
Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up
Darren - My favourite firework of all
Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
Botherer - The touchpaper lit
Rosie - It then scares the shit
Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall
Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear
Swam two little creatures quite queer
Their antics and games
Went up in flames
Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
The weekend's upon us at last!
I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
That's dangerous talk!
Said Mindy to Mork
"You're likely to get us both glassed"
An odd-looking bird is the stork
But tasty with onions and pork
It delivers babies
And can't transmit rabies
But its voice is much better than Bjork
A chicken which once crossed the road
Fell in love with a natterjack toad
It stopped for a chat
Result, they begat
A fowl in amphibian mode
A chicken that's born with frog's legs
Results from the scrambling of eggs
When cloning goes wrong
You'll find it's not long
Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
A tune in the Dorian mode
Sung by a natterjack toad
Is likely to cause
loud, ringing applause
From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
Green, slimy and not very sporty
They don't like to joke
Or eat artichoke
Or do anything cheeky or naughty
By golly that just takes the biscuit!
Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
That's just taking the piss
My arse you can kiss
The feeling is nice if you risk it
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
They go so well with custard and tripe
Just place in the sun
You'll know when they're done
If you are a greenhousey type.
Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
With a glass of Peroni® much better
Add some antipasta
And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
Then gently bend over toiletta
So swiftly he mounted his horse
That he fell off into the gorse
I said, "That'll learn 'im"
As he fractured his sternum
Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
When your plant starts to wither and die
You should let them pickle in lye
And then let them whiten
The more so to frighten
The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
But just to be safe, ask the vet
He'll tell you, I'm sure,
That your pig is impure
If he don't use deodorant yet
It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
A selection from Wagner's Ring
The part of Brunnhilde
(Portrayed as a builder)
Is a concession to feminist bling.
It is said that owls they are wise
As to why I can only surmise
Since they can't do sudoku
just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
Can't also so he never tries
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
I'd use it if I were a bird
As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
Use another I'm sure you have heard.
A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
The crocodiles yawn
They'd like some soft porn
So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
When crocodiles bask by the river
Make sure that you cover your liver
In onions and gravy
And call out the Navy
'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
Relax and lie back in this chair
Said the dentist, a man without care
This may not be nice
But you take my advice
Be thankful I don't drill down there
[Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
The sun doesn't shine
At the base of your spine
Then plait it and look debonair
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
When digging up bodies at night
You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
They may glow in the dark
And pinch bums for a lark
And somtimes they'll give you a fright
When playing a scale on the drums
You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
A high "C" that sounds
[Rosie] They could be timpani :P
Outside of the bounds
Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
You coward, come 'ere and say that!
My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
Though often he's stroppy
His wrist is not floppy
And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
Prepare for the pancake of death
Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
It's highly emetic
And quite anaaethetic
And doesn't do much for your breath
Now prepare for the pizza of life
Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
Try not to be cheesey
Life should be easy-peasy
Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
Our license to life may expire
If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
For an arsonist's woes
And inadequate prose
May arouse a literary ire.
There once was a man from New Delhi
Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
But to eat sacred cow
's Something none will allow
not e'en in the trendiest deli.
A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
And the terrible catch is
Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
"Those bloody Chinese"
"And their damn' bonsai trees"
Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
Please place all your goods in my hands
Especially the fashionable brands
I'm referring, of course,
To my job as clothes horse
And this gun will back up my demands
Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
It's the best thing that ever I ate!
Can I have another?
If it's not too much bother
And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
An old man on the bus starts to ramble
All the passengers begin to scramble
Chaos ensued
When his rambling turned lewd
(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
Where they make the most wonderful curry
And Woking so gray
And Esher so gay
And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
I met a young gunner named Lunz
Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
By beating my head with your fan
For what I've conceived
Has got me quite peeved
And I must work as fast as I can
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
An ant in Antananarivo
(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
Just then a grasshopper
In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least
got that one out of the way, at least
Procure me tobacco, my love
And fetch me my slippers, my dove
And do wag your tail
As I sip my cold ale
And later I'll take you above
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who liked to hit balls with his putter
Men far and wide
With more hurt than their pride
Regretted their brush with this nutter.
Were we to proceed in this matter
With pointless, banal, inane chatter
Then boredom were certain
'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
[A trick I had learned in the navy]
I added some salt
And some whisky (fine malt)
The swell sent the sailors all wavy
It seems that bad light has stopped play
And that sky looks awfully grey
For when we play darts
In these northern parts
We only play on a bright day
I wouldn't think that was my car
Without fuel it shouldn't go far
So I'll panic-buy
And my tank won't be dry
I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
It's not so good for swatting those flies
But the crossword's the same
(my attempts just as lame)
I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
A pension is something you need
A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
If you save all your life
and insure your dear wife
You may profit from a dastardly deed.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who sought fame as a great body builder
The size of her pecs
Made her friends nervous wrecks
But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
All Telegraph readers say this:
It's the Home Service I really miss
And you can take ITV
Dump it into the sea
And sink it into the abyss
You can say this about Arnold Palmer
Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
Though he's strong as an ox
And he wears mismatched socks
And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
On Monday he staggered
To his Mistress, the blackguard
A cosy affair, 'nuff said
While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
I heard Super Mario humming
So I blew down the pipe
A loud fart very ripe
So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
Way back in the reign of King John
Whose follies we now dwell upon
The barons revolted
The serfs they all bolted
And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
While re-writing the old magna Carta
I was attacked by a catholic martyr
Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
And made me a slave
Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
While cooking a great fat pork chop
I spied a large maggot on top
But as they're nutricious
It was not that malicious
To serve up the meal to my pop
Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
He took drugs to speed up his feet
But to speed up your brain
Like La Moss, try cocaine
Line up for a cracking good treat!
Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
and I can't stand the whiff
Of your feet when I venture too near.
Unleash all those inner desires!
By admitting you love Richard Briers
And Penelope Keith
And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
I once met an ogre so vast
That I thought I had breathèd my last
With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
As he spat out his gum
He advised me to run away fast
So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
I think he wants me for his bride
But when he gets close
I'll give him a dose
Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
[Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
For we are freemasons
Hereditas jacens
Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
In time, you will come to discover
The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
It starts with a shout
Of a "pee", short and stout
then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
Is there anything left in the sky?
Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
A lark or a dove?
Or a cloud high above?
Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
With catkins surrounding my face
Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
I danced round the tree
widdershins,naturally
And then clockwise too, just in case
Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
Your husband has swallowed his sword
And not only that
He chewed up his spat
But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
My laptop is running on coal!
It likes nutty slack
And cocaine, beer and crack
Is there something I haven't been told?
And now that we're into October
From now until June we'll be sober
We'll drink only water
Just as we oughta
Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
"Winter draws on", my gran used to say
And the snowdrifts will be there till May
But come rain or shine
I know you'll be mine naww...
Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
There once was a maiden who said:
"I like to be taken to bed"
'Cos I've got some lurgi
I caught it off Fergie
Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
And the Autumn evenings get cold
Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
For the fire gather sticks
And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
There once was a masterful baker
Who married a pretty young Quaker
Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
With no reverends
And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
While mending a fence with some nails
A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
my cap I did doff
her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
Now we're parents and living in Wales.
A way of discouraging weeds
Is reading them poems of Swedes
Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
From across the Nordzee
May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
The third and the fifth is all right
I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
Her face flushed to red
As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
Imagine a cube on a plane:
is the picture clear in your brain?
Intersect with a sphere
A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
That'll look like a ball down a drain
The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
The smirked as she farted aloud
s/the/then
The regal emit
A fart full of wit
To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
He promised the earth and the moon
Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
And, lo, it appeared!
Although it looked weird
From behind, rather like a baboon.
The barometer falls, like the rain
Mercury goes down the drain
So let's not go out
Lest we go mad and shout
And get hurtiness all in our brain
*chuckles*
A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
But Sylvester (the cat)
Will have none of that
He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
Spend time in an oxygen tent
Wear boots that are cast in cement
Read that one in bold ...
This new form of training
Is physically draining
My aerobic credits are spent!
The EU's not sure about Turkey
Its past seems decidedly murky
Its Ottoman roots
Are as rank as old boots
Though its branches are looking quite perky
There once was a lad in Istanbul
[irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
(pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
I suggest amending it to:
There once was a lad in Stamboul
There once was a lad in Stamboul
Who went into town,'on the pull'
oops
It could not be said
He was right in the head
'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
Don't force me to drink too much punch
I've not even had any lunch
But when I have eaten
Then I won't be beaten
So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
(Hic!) I really do love you, you know
(stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
For it's only at night
That I'm sweetness and light
and a function-ing libi-do.
Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
And toads sing The Messiah
p****d as newts, in a choir
It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
With its buttery taste and nice sheen
But it's stuffed full of E's
So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
Decorum et dulce it est
Of my old school Latin, the best
But quo vadis, pray?
Vade in pace
Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
Elizabeth Violet Bott
Was rather a fine polyglot
Tho' she spoke with a lithp
Her diction was crithp
And for William she had a thoft thpot
(Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
A truculent child
Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
Except after smoking some pot.
So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
And take the proverbial piss
Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
And Swiss naval tankers
And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
And should you need slices
As you may, in a crisis,
It puts all its rivals int' shade
Pink piggies are playing in pens
On a piggery deep in the Fens
They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
Until Jamie Oliver attends.
The knockings that come from my car
Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
There's a mouse in the shaft
Woodworm, fore and aft
And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
One day, spurred on by a bet
I spent a whole day as a vet
Castrations and Neut'ring
Ligations and suturing
Paid off my credit card debt
If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
Keep bees and sell epicure honey
You'll feel more alive
May your apiary thrive
And your life always be sunny
A stack of six waffles is here
But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
Perhaps they're organic
Or alleviate panic
Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
Darren's now got wafflophilia
Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
But just say "Hang on!"
"Don't bend that fork prong"
"Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
What an outrageous colour is puce
It seems to be quite without use
Apart from on bras
(It looks awful on cars)
A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
The pleasure I get from a duck
Fades to nought next to that from a buck
But, as for a runt
which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
I think I've forgotten to mention
I suffer from hyper-tension
[SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
The blood in my veins
Makes them stand out like canes
And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
But their fondness for L's
And wet, sheepy smells
Means most now go into rehab.
The software I have in my bum
(er, not a reference to you, Softers)
Tells me when I should empty my tum
It frequently starts
With preliminary farts [Pro] No offence taken :-)
And some 'agricultural' hum oblig.
Blue cakes dead ahead! 12 o' clock!
They'll make me pop out of my frock
But if they're not eaten
They'll need some re-heatin'
By stuffin' 'em into your sock
The weekend approaches, get ready!
Its coming is rousing and heady
There's no time to lose!
There's no time to snooze!
Start drinking now, and go steady. Rather difficult rhyme, surprisingly. Much easier in Welsh; dozens of words. Probably in Italian too.
I've Veni-ed, I've Vici-ed, I've Vidi-ed
Precisely the things that were needed
To beat up the Gauls
And steal all their smalls
For my loins were ungirt; they were needed
Shit! I've just used the same word as line 2. Better do another one. Here goes:
And make sure their gardens are weeded.
'tis the hour of my discontent
And I'm full of evil intent
All round me beware
I'm likely to bare
What I shouldn't expose, as a gent
I like the red highlight for the preview but the explanatory text says "..a preview which, in words, means..." - is there an "other" missing?
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Thus read a Shakespearian blog
To be? Undecided.
Our winter: now chided.
All grist for the new pedagogue.
There was a young fellow called Danny That last one was a bit posh, eh?
Who felt very keen on his granny
His fetish for dentures
Regaled his wild ventures
But he drew the line at her fanny Coat...
píu mosso, col legno, atacca
e conflagrazione alpaca
E per si muove
Implorate Giove I don't think this is terribly good Italian grammar
E venerare Signore Chewbacca
The brightness of Venus is striking (Knobbly) Too right. It's from the Nicht gefingerpoken school of European languages.
But slightly too brash for my liking
The evening star
That shines from afar oblig.
Is an excellent guide when night-hiking
Be honest, and tell me your thoughts
Whether fully worked out or mere orts [orts: crumbs, scraps (Dictionary of obscure words)]
For a trouble when shared
Like a soul that is bared
Is soft like a sofa from Courts
nice :-)
Just say what you think. Don't hold back
Even if what you say gets a smack
Yet, an eye for an eye
Isn't something I'd try
When the faux pas occurs in the sack
The premise on which this is based
Yields a sport, keenly fought and fast-paced
Yes! it's Twister-by-email
Designed for the female
All dressed up in basques, tightly laced.
"Are all muppets Jews?" she enquired
"Or are they by Allah inspired?"
"Are controlling hands Druid?"
"With their movement so fluid" Oblig., more or less
"Or just puppets sewn and wired?"
The cause of my facial contusion
Is a thin air and plate glass confusion
The one is ethereal
The other's material
And my face, their media for fusion.
A good dump of snow in the morning
Is a reason to stay in bed yawning
'Cos all the damn schools
Will be closed; safety rules The little buggers might get COLD!
Must all be obeyed. That's a warning.
This comedy mask doesn't fit
In places it pinches a bit
And it's not really funny
To look like a bunny
Who's crouching and ready to... spit
Open season on pantomime dames
John Inman's been shot down in flames
Dale Winton's in panic
Frank Bruno's just ... manic
But don't mess with Botham; he maims. . . . rather unfair to him, actually, but this has been hanging around for a few days now.
This feels just the winter for cricket
I think I'll be keeping the wicket
But bowling on ice
Is not very nice
To penguins; take your ball and stick'et.
There once was a svelte young brunette
Who was smuggled aboard a corvette
The boot was too small - what's a corvette?
Though she curled in a ball - [Chalky] Er, it's a small ship, so unlikely to have a boot really, but we'll pretend we're talking about a Corvette Stingray shall we ? ;-)
A position she called cul-à-tête
My new sailing ship has a boot :-D
I'm a Corsair so I'll fill it with loot while on the boat/car bifircation...
An act of no Merit That's my rough little Corsa.
Like slipping a ferret
Down a gentleman's whistle-and-flute
When a bear does his job in the wood
(Proverbially, just as it should)
The mice in the grass
Start nibbling his arse
With hindsight they'd've run if they could. [a bit dull sorry - anything to get things moving again ...]
The cause of this sorry affair
So foul that I do not dare
To mention the fact
I have nada for tact
So I'll tell the whole world, I don't care
I've managed, without interference,
Ahem
I've managed, without interference,
To alter my husband's appearance
He's now eight feet tall
But has only one ball sorrysorrysorry
And that needs a sixteen-inch clearance - oooh - what a monster I've created
For those with testicular gigantism . . . there ought to be a few rhymes, and if not, well, bollocks.
(Barring the mono or double schism) Mmmm, yes, that could work, subject to the scansion police
It's wise, I suspect, throwing caution to the wind...
To join the new sect
Baptised by immersion in... (No, I can't bring myself to type it.)
It takes just a moment to find [Raak] admirable restraint, sir,
That an orange tastes better "sans rind";
But if you chew the pips
Take this wisest of tips Pompous, moi?
- just don't take the pith: 'tis unkind.
A river of buttons doth flow
A river of buttons doth flow
To a land where the cuffs dare not go - I smell realism here...
Lest they cover my watch (Projoy) You're mad. :-)
(An extravagant Swatch™)
Where they've all come from, I don't know
There was a young chap from Slovakia
Whose verse, beside ours, was much tackia
His scansion was iffy
His rhyme scheme was whiffy
Alas, uncorrected aphakia!
A seagull is fond of a beer
Until it succumbs to the fear
That one day its liver (Jux) Just going to look that up.
Will be cut as a sliver
Of coal, when the long winter gets here.
The nights are approaching their longest
The werewolves are reaching their strongest
The ghosts and the ghoulies
And Syd Rumpo's moulies
Play host to God, who is the wrong guest. - a bit clunking, sorry. That was a difficult one.
My celibate friend - here's a tip:
Use a lock to secure your fly zip
This sec-urity
I'm sure you'll agree
Will keep you safe when you let rip
If a zip-lock should fail to prevail (continuing the excellent advice...)
We'll all find out if you're male
But if you're a lass
You should go to mass
And cover your sins with a veil
For celibacy, give three cheers!
I'll not bonk for the rest of my years
That's the end of my knockin'
The bed will stop rockin'
As the eve of my life swiftly nears
While waiting for lights to turn green
I've acquired a malaise in my spleen
At red-amber I felt
My testicles melt
So please do not ask if I've "been"
I've "been" and I'm now "feeling lighter" This is disgraceful stuff. Terrible.
Yet my pants strangely seem a bit tighter
And strangely much wetter [Chalky] How do you know about testicles?
As my bits they do fetter
Could my underpants be any shite-er? No-one else could have done it with so much sweetness and panache. But I'm sorry anyway, and I'll get my coat.
When recently showered and fragrant [Darren] eeh lad ... I've melted a few in my time :-) [pen] stick around - we need you for this one ...
I jumped on an elderly vagrant
We made passionate love
While the pigeons above
Doled out the lubricating a-gent. almost rhymes...anyway it made me smirkle
Ahhh, we raise our game and lower our tone - can't be coincidence!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
In a manner both loud and abrupt!
There's nowt you can do
I'll explode right on cue
Unless you bribe me (I'm corrupt)
In New Jersey, New York and New Delhi
You see all the same things on the telly
For Sesame Street
Or the Kumar's we meet
But not the beach webcam, Pwllheli.
And those 'Stars' with that tw*t Matthew Kelly. sorrysorrysorry - no, not really.
Well, dash it - simulled.
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
Which flew down from the vault of the skies
If only they knew
They're just specks of poo
And the promise of fame is all lies.
My handbag's possessed by a demon
Actually, forget that. Not very rhymable.
Copernicus brought down the Earth
Copernicus brought down the Earth
To a much more acceptable girth
He then set about
To prove without doubt
what heliocentricity's worth. (Projoy) Your HAND-BAAAG??
Father Christmas has multiple forms
But one nature, to which they all conform
And on Christmas Eve
(so they'd have us believe)
A fat 'Ho-ho-Ho' is the norm
The Geese are getting quite fat Do you want stuffing?
I don't really care for all that Get Stuffed! yourself...
Succulent marinaise I'll have potatoes wit that if you don' mind!
On these festive days
Is best served alongside your cat
I looked in the mirror; it cracked
You'd think it'd've shown more tact
But an ugly boat-race
Has rowed over my face
In a mutual suicide pact
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
Lay Dierdrie and Senga and Carrie
They'd all lost a bet
as to whether they'd get
Themselves out of a duty to marry
The motion of trees in the night
Without wind, is a worrying sight
The dryads will walk
The Triffids will talk
Our lives the spirits will blight
Play chess on the roof of your shack
Your imagin'ry friend can play black
So if he says 'mate'
You can nail in a slate
And if he says 'check,' shoot his back
I sense an impending disaster
And so I have brought a small plaster
I've some ointment as well
For use when all hell
Breaketh loose and becometh the master
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Must not be combined with stewed horse
So take your zucchini
Marinate in Martini
Then stew with some beetroots for borsch
I like a good seasonal stew
There's a very fine place down at Kew
Where they stew a live dog
In eau de la bog
(Please take over my place in the queue!)Yuk!! .....seasonal?
A snowman is best if he's given
The eyes and nose of David Niven
Sean Connery's hat
And Dr. No's cat
Who'll ensure that with piss-holes it's riven.
This year I have only one plea [jim] sure. the dog is a german shepherd.
Please give all your presents to me
And when you've done that [Rosie] well played - you'd be amazed at the amount of time I spent conjuring up 'acts' on a snowman to guarantee a last line ending 'riven' or striven' - I obviously have nothing better to do this time of year :-)
You can don this daft hat (Chalky) Cheers. The busiest thing I am doing at this time of the year is firing off apologetic letters to all those who sent a Christmas card to my late Mum. Oh, the sins of omission.
While I *hum* a refrain at your knee. [slipping out the back door]
"Here's to you, Mrs R!" Ben declared.
To which Mrs R said: "Don't be scared" [Rosie] see Banter
And slipped off her coat
Her charms to promote (Chalky) Seen it. :-)
'Twas more than her soul that she bared.
'Tis the season for to be jolly
via HYPnotic trance of svengali
whose staring mince pies
, boring deep in my thighs,
have detected both ivy and holly.
When cold in the morning, it's best
To pack up one's back and head west
s/back/bag
Get right out of town
And dress up as a clown
But do not join the legion, Beau Geste.
A jelly what sits on a plate
Is the latest thing in the TATE
Its wobbly appeal
As an artistic meal
Was reduced when it passed sell-by date
This shed (first a shed, then a boat)
Needs treating with fresh creosote
This strange piece of art
is falling apart
And the artist has just got his coat...
The champion liverwurst maker
Has retired as town undertaker
The deli's now broke
And he's moved down to Stoke
For a life as a pottery maker
Whilst opening a tin of sardines
I squirted some sauce on my jeans
Then opened the tin
What the sardines were in
Then ate them with toast and beans Sounds pretty average for the lone eater just in from a long day :-(
'Twas the night before Christmas and all
Panto Dames had gone to the ball
Not one ugly sister
to ruin the vista
Cinders was left, with mice et al.
It's over, you've eaten. Go home!
Do not roam over land, sea or foam
And don't you dare linger
Or phantom flan flinger
Will splatter your cranial dome - is it me, or have limerick standards slipped lately, particularly at MCiOS ?
The winter sun shines on my screen (Phil) It's not you. Rhythm and humour in short supply - even rhyme sometimes.
Why, oh why, is this golden beam
So bright, yet so cold
And so young yet so old | [Phil] I agree. It was never brilliant (check the archives for evidence), but the art of scansion in particular seems to be crumbling lately.
(Compare some our current efforts with the Platonic limerick)
Only indoors this scene should be seen.
There once was a lim'rick so poor
Out of twenty, I'd give it a four
That lousy attempt
Was crude and unkempt
Now we're back to high standards once more.
Today it's so cold that I shiver (Projoy) There's posh. How do you do that? Point well made but the melody's crap. :-)
Drink hot rum, tho' it'll fu*k up your liver
A bobbly hat
A romp in my flat
Who can say there's no fun en hiver?
Inside of a hive you'll find bees
They can spell, and all have great knees
And what's even better,
They fill out a sweater,
So long as there's no absentees
This caffeine will give me a lift
The lead in my head it will shift
but as for my liver...
It will cry a river
What will spill when my flood gates are rift
So welcome to 2006
I shall learn every day some new tricks
Involving some rope
And our new model Pope
and a very large box of matchsticks Cor strike-a-light guv'nor! and other such 'Van Dyke cockernee'
Resolutions are most often broken
In ways which are better not spoken
Are those such as these:
Oops, I didn't notice the "are" in the first line, or I imagined a "which", so mine makes no grammatical sense. Try this instead:
One's New Year intention
One's New Year intention
Of modest dimension
Is less use than a £1 book token
This stance is under inspection
It seems to need no correction
But since golf requires
Lots of land in the shires
It attracts some rural attention
I'm off out to hunt for wild boar
I've got bullets enough to shoot four
Provided I aim
To kill, not to maim
Protestations I'll choose to ignore
I'd say to be fluent in Latin
You'd choose the right chair to be sat in
Whilst gargling with petrol
I'm ready to bet you'll
Achieve a result by le matin.
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Denied that his boyfriend was gay
He did, though, admit
That he managed to fit
The figurehead in his back way
Now THAT was well above average:-)
My father would often insist
He could fit, in his mouth, a whole fist
but we said, "We don't care."
So he showed us with flair
He put hand to mouth, and he missed
There was a young lady called Karen
Who knew a young lady called Sharon
The one was delightful
The other, most frightful
But both will be punted by Charon
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
The taste is OK, but it smells hummy
The aroma's not peaty
But rather quite meaty
And smells like my feety, says Mummy
Have you ever been in a canoe?
And if so, do you know what to do...
In an eskimo roll
You must waggle your pole
And watch out for where the bears poo
In my hat is some dry Plymouth gin - continuing Projoy's theme
That enters my head through my skin.
To drink through osmosis
Halts liver cirrhosis
Allowing unlimited sin.
Bravo! Wit, scansion, clever rhymes! That one had the lot!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
Come one and come all, join the crowd!
The Ninth in D Minor
For nothing is finer
I'm sure his old mum would be proud
While reading The Meaning of Liff
(As a PDF, not a GIF)
my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
Not surprised, to be frank
As the file was served as a TIFF
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We're going to visit, because
I'm hoping he'll give
me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
Was getting on fine, until shot
In the back, by a gun
By a militant nun
Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
The building site over the road
Can be entered by keying the code
"GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
Which should open Gate 1
What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
One night as she opened her door
She noticed an absence of floor
"Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
"of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
"that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
But on checking, there was f*ck all
It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
They've been waxy for years
And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
The animals entered in twos
The animals entered in twos
The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
The name of the game
Let's see what they found on their cruise
As Noah had hoisted his sails,
The elephants lifted their tails
A fair wind ensued
A fair wind ensued
(Albeit quite rude)
And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
'Twas then that the flood did commence
And swept the menagerie hence
Alas, few could swim
So Noah sang out a hymn
To save all from a damp consequence
But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
Then the crocodile pair
Emerged from their lair
To size up the animal feast!
Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
With a garnish of fricasséed newt
And a cherry coulis
A glass of cat's pee
And little dungballs en mazout.
With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
Hussein has lost none of his verve
He still sings the blues
Having nothing to loose
And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
Whilst disinfecting the loo
I noticed the pee left by Pooh
'T was all over the seat
And it covered my feet
I can't potty train him; can you?
I'm gaming with each of your minds
By undressing with open blinds
Exposing my Long-Johns,
[I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
And showing my Oxfam shop finds
The higher you climb up the pole
The harder to reach your prime goal
Especially when
The bosses are men
, iguanas, or fillies in foal
Perfection is hard to achieve
Yet if I fail, then I must leave
, Commit hara-kiri,
The philosophical theory
That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
Few people are practised at pottery
At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
Don't mention the glaze
I applied in a daze
Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
The result at the end is a lottery
The result at the end is a lottery
For seven and fourpence a week
One could dress quite remarkably chic
In 1908
But I fear that, of late,
You'd be kicked out of any boutique
I fear that disorder is rife
In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
The serfs in Fife's fiefs
Are revolting their chiefs
By offering the use of their wife
There's panic and fear on the streets!
They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
Setting buildings ablaze
And undoing their stays
And denouncing the works of John Keats.
The looters are seen on the telly
Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
Let's enforce martial law
And give them what for
For they have no casus belli.
It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
[Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
We'll return now to order,
Redefining the border
Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
At dinner there's only one topic
Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
Should we fear asteroids
Shall I take my steroids
Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
To be continued....
To be continued....
Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
We know why to drink you were driven.
Your bright ginger hair
The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
It makes your life hardly worth livin'
My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
She says I should give him the finger
But to play devil's A
Even dogs have their day
And give him his due, he's not ginger
A description I have of Chris Huhne
Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
As seen from the rear
He inspires great fear
That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
The raindrops that fall
Let me see b*gger all
Which is why I am loudly profaning.
The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
Are known by their conspicuous quirks
'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
Was strange and quite rude
Using language quite crude
Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
A terrible fellow called Lance
Was never invited to dance
His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
And his greasy bald pate
Forced rebuttals to any advance
Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
"I've got this great riff in my head".
It's Eine fine riff
But now Mozart's a stiff
His music is also quite dead.
Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
I think his fans all need to know.
For they are devout
When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
Not to look dashing,
But rather, just flashing
The orchestra with your bare breast
[Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
Don't forget Parker
His music's much darker
Just the thing for a night on the razz
My little imaginary pig
Wears a syrup-of-fig
It's from California
All pink, and named Sonia
Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
I once bought a kilo of coke
With it my fire to stoke
But the fizz had all gone
So I downed it in one
And that's when I started to choke
A feller named Ludwig van Beet
The end of his name did delete
His tune for Elise
Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
[Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
This booklet is missing some pages
This booklet is missing some pages
My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
'Cos the bits taken out
Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
It's such a big shame that the boss
Aims never for profit, but loss
He's as stupid as sh*t
Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
But the workers don't give a toss
If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
I would never have married my wife
Cause here rhyming is bad,
And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
Salaciously creeping around
With my belly quite close to the ground
I bite on her heel
And erotic'ly kneel
Then howl like a love-seeking hound
Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
"I really wish you were dead"
"So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
From here to Cleethorpes
(imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
I'm counting the ways that I love
Each finger's own place in a glove
Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
There once will be peace in this valley,
And soon we were counting the tally
Of those now departed time space continuum r us
As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
The prodigal son doth return
With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
The fatted calf lows
Snicker-snack! So it goes
For his sound effects CD we yearn
A cat in a hat once said,
"Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
Or I'll crap on your chair
Cough up balls of my hair
And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
A School Bus Driver once said
"This bus driving won't keep me fed"
So he nicks all the sweeties
Contracts diabeeties
And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
I like stealing candy from kids
Except little Suzy McLids
'Cause her's is all covered
with drool, where she's hovered
And will transmit diseases like SIDS
I act as the spoke in the wheel
with lots of bananas to peel,
I'm a fruit addict, see?
No scurvy knave, me
As I prepare my vitamin meal
There once was a Lady so lewd,
That even the Essex Men booed
For when she disrobed
With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
At the times when I haven't a clue
I tend to join hands with a gnu [I'm clearly certifiable]
We smear the vast veldt
With wildebeest smelt
Then go for some females to screw (Bestial behavior amongst all those animals...)
I'm sure to enjoy Lanzarote
I've heard it's not rainy or grotty
But instead, clean and sunny
Good value for money,
Two bottles of wine for a zloty
For free you'll get crabs at the loo [sim]potty
You can boil them in lye to make glue
And should you be "loose"
Feel free to make use
Of the paper. Use one square, not two.
Each night we'll swim (nude) in the pool
Please join us ...I guarantee you'll
have fun and get wet,
Which is not all you'll get
When we swim, (nude) in the pool.
And should we decide to get dressed
The bishop will have us all blessed
Our midnight baptism
May well cause a schism
If Janet exposes her breast
Janet was always an odd sort
Aroused by the chance she'd get caught
Though her legs she keeps crossed,
She frets at the cost
Of all the rude clothing she bought
Yet Janet J's infamous bro
Don’t like when the nose he must blow
But he'll blow something else
OK, try again, But he'll blow other things
While undressing his strings
Like a flute, a trumpet, or a oboe
While scoffing a lemon curd tart
I felt a slight pain in my heart
T'was indigestion
Which did beg the question
“What did cause that loud smelly fart?”
Explain, then, how drums came to be
They sound much too noisy to me
And as for the cymbals
They're cacophonic symbols
Of storm, strife, and turbulent sea.
I wish that my friends were not feckless
And had guarded my new diamond necklace :-(
But instead they got high
On hash cakes (with rye)
And peckish, they ate it for breakfast (the jewelry, that is)
A dour dowager from Pisa
Who, frankly, was no Mona Lisa . . . . this do-WADG-er
Tried to drag me to bed
Said she needed my head ....and I'm not very bright either...
So I chopped it right off, just to please 'er
If you find yourself headless, take heed:
Do not ride on a galloping steed
With no head, you can't see
And you may hit a tree
('Though a headache pill you will not need)
My overindulgence in eggs Ain't no-one got rhythm? The penultimate one was a right clunker.
Has my tum encroaching my legs
I can't see my toes
And am forced to impose - [Rosie] For once I disagree. There was only one non-scanning line in that one (the first, "dowager" one).
Some eggnogs with Rhum, two –three kegs... have an eggnog guys and your rhyming and rhythm will get so much better ;-)
As I drank my morning coffee
My cup, it did tip
Fluid spilled from my lip
And it looked like I'd just had a pee - Coat
My ogee has gone all awry
So I think I'll just stand here and cry
For my arch is all wonky
'Twas built by a donkey
Who'd used the wrong value for pi
Very good!
And into the fray once again
And into the fray once again
Morniversers just have no shame
[SW] Clearly!
One can but despair
At their Devil may care
Society must be to blame!
I've had quite enough, let's secede
For then all the verse shall be freed!
Rhythm - begone! Cor, this i'n' 'arf poe'ic
Fell'as come on!
Let's just claw at our eyes, till they bleed
oops! drawing my line in the sand
When ones eyes are BLOODSHOT, and red
When ones eyes are BLOODSHOT, and red
It's better to go back to bed
Try to stop the rotation
For your breakfast flotation
Get up tomorrow instead
A valiant hero in blue
Released a rock chick from the loo
where, perfecting her licks
She performed such tricks
As to fix steady dates with some glue ...maybe it's worth a try...?
This gallant, with plunger in hand . . . a handyman, t'is a noble vocation
Fights blocked drains throughout all the land (which does scan, at the risk of a sprained tongue)
He will hammer and screw, ....hoping his tools are in order...
While you wait for the loo
And his bill's never more than a grand.
My clarinet seems to have grown
It’s playing strange tones - yet unknown
I shouldn't have watered it . . . or taken liberties with the syllabic count :-)
Hung, drawn or quartered it (sorry, I know it's not the multiposting game, but I was passing and I thought I could help out)
Now it sounds like a trombone.
You remember when old Uncle Andy
Claimed he dated old Jessica Tandy
The thought of those two (Projoy) And I'm glad you did. Nothing wrong with posting 1st and 4th lines.
Makes me want to say "Ewwww"
For I'm appalled to find I am randy
Bach played on a cheap pennywhistle
If that don't appal you then this'll:
Herr Mozart's accordion
OK, bad rhyme... how about de Falla on ice
Playing: Three blind mice....
Or Puccini played on a bull's pizzle.
So could we try whisky instead?
This moonshine will leave us all dead
Here ! Slug on this raki
And chew on some baccy
In your pencil they will put lead
Pure Malt will be fine thank you Sir,
You see, I'm a finicky boozer
I insist on Laphroaig
S'miles better than Haig
Bong! Anyone else know the right pronunciation of "Laphroaig"?
Laphroaig (La-fróyg)
which makes it difficult to rhyme ..
I've always understood the g to be silent, as in joaig, ploaig, ahoaig, etc,
Though Bailey’s what Ladies prefer Never mind rhyming and/or chatting, Baileys is a reliable and fast first class G-spot moistener....
There once was a maid in a Bar,
[Raak] According to the head distiller, the "g" is pronounced. I saw him on telly 3 weeks ago on the wonderful "The Thirsty Traveller" on the Travel Channel.
Said "AnCnoc's the best whisky by far",
Said "AnCnoc's the best whisky by far",
She would oft say
That a single Islay
Would get her knocked up in a car
Tonight we have an extension now, now . . . .
To our contest of "Dumbest Invention"
The next and last entry
"Hot-pants for the Gentry",
I shudder to have to now mention
My hot pants are only lukewarm
Since I bought them before you were born
What's more, they are damp
Thanks to the hot vamp
And my awful addiction to soft porn.
While playing in Grandfather's attic
Which he can't get to, 'cos he's rheumatic
I found the remains
Of some old Hornby™ trains
Like Connex South-East, they were static.
:-)
The day that I give my last croak
I'll play, on the mourners, a joke
My coffin's spring-loaded
And the eulogy's coded
To send the whole church up in smoke
Marvellous - just make sure you are ALL at my funeral :-)
There was a young chap from Cadiz (Chalky) I may not be able to make it, actuarily.
Who failed on his química quiz
Thinking Valencia de Sodio
[Rosie] If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Could be heard on the radio [SM] Good thinking, make sure you live long enough to receive deaths kiss!
He failed to impress as a quiz whizz I guess, like me, Rosie will have had a prior engagement ;-)
I'm learning to speak Mandarin
But I can't tell my chìn from my chîn
And I tend to wing wong
When I'm meant to ling fong
But I might just get by in Guilin
I just heard a ping pong ball ping
While testing my new backhand swing
The ball just went flat
(Being cheap, useless tat)
But at least it makes wonderful bling.
Her tits swung so wildly and vulgar, ( o )( o )
There was a young golfer from Troon [Marc] Shame on you.
She waggled her tail like a cougar/Whose balls were all creased like a prune
[tithead, whoever you are, and Marc] I really had hoped not to have to face that kind of stupid sexist rubbish in here. There are oodles of sites on the web where you can exercise your misogynist sense of humour, and I for one would be pleased if you'd piss off and do it somewhere other than here.
Apologies to rab and everyone else for flaming in the lims game. I'll come back in a week's time.
Apologies to rab and everyone else for flaming in the lims game. I'll come back in a week's time.
There was a young golfer from Troon
Who played every shot with a spoon (a No. 3 wood)
(The most runcible kind)
And though much maligned [t,M] What pen said.
From bogeys he seemed quite immune
He drove from the tee with aplomb
His drive - it went off like a bomb well played pen - hear hear on all counts
It landed pin high . . . always sounds like some Chinese bloke, that.
And he let out a sigh
Because it had slipped from his palm [pen]my line was certainly not meant to offend anyone and I’m kind of surprised by your interpretation. I guess it’s with limerick lines like with kids: We love our own.....
Yeah Mark, so that's why you have to actually DRAW tits in the limerick game? Pur-lease. For the record, I hate your 'kids'. If you want to continue this discussion elsewhere, I'm quite happy to - I'm a new justine and I use aol.com for emails.
The watchmaker's son was too late
And therefore he missed his first date[pen et al] my ‘drawing’ was supposed to resemble a man with wide opened eyes watching the Women’s final of the tennis game the other day and not a pair of tits as your imagination may have fooled you to believe. Have a nice day! [Chalky]Nice line you submitted the other day at the game Multiple Lines Per Player: “By giving her one 'gainst the wall”, but beware, pen may spot it and accuse you for being a “stupid sexist rubbish” publisher!
His hair-spring had sprung (Marc) Eyes? Bollocks! They're tits. You're in a hole - stop digging. And crawling.
The alarm had not rung
And his young lady friend wouldn't wait.
"Just whom do you think that you're kidding?"
Said seller to buyer when bidding
"This is a Titian . . . . hanging quotes
No way it's Mauritian"
.. why the long pause I wonder ..
So the deal to a quick halt came skidding. .. dodgy last line in order to move swiftly on
Chalky - I'm insuring my knees to the hilt
So the deal to a quick halt came skidding. .. dodgy last line in order to move swiftly on
Chalky - I'm insuring my knees to the hilt
And my hips, though of Kevlar they're built
My ribs are of steel
(plus titanium heel)
And my false teeth- they're loaded with gilt
With 2 grams of flucloxacillin
You could wipe out all Enniskillen
All germs, bugs and cattle
You'd hear their death rattle
That's how you make a great killin'
Relaxing one day in the bath,
With a volume of Sylvia Plath
My bathing-mate's clowning
Pretending she’s drowning
What GSOH this girl hath.
I nipped into my bookies one day
And bet that Boy George wasn't gay
At eighty to one
I'd say I'd been done
But it turned out he wasn't - hooray! (in another universe.)
A funny lot, those London Loopers (It goes past my house).
Filled with tourists and some hula-hoopers
They circle the streets
They nibble their eats 1st + 4th is OK, I think.
As they stare at the guard-changing troopers
The Bishop of Bath and Wells Not everyone, it seems, knows what the London Loop is. It's a sort of M25 for walkers, and about as fast.
Never learned to control his bad smells (adding an xtra syllable for Rosie ;-)
His underarm pong
Made his churchgoing cong- (unfinished word alert)
-regation avoid waving farewells
The Bishops of Wells and of Bath
Forget that, not many rhymes for "bath".
The Bishop of Wells-next-the=Sea
The Bishop of Wells-next-the=Sea
Had a flock of just twenty and three
They worshipped their Bish
And sacrificed fish
Which after they ate for their tea
Archbishops, as rare as they are,
Are given free drinks at the bar
But Cardinals pay
For their fine Chardonnay
And prostrate themselves for a Budvar
An eparch, a breed rarer still,
Writes all his decrees with a quill
His face becomes stern
(But not quite a gurn)
When his inkpot requires a refill.
A lobster, a crab and an eel
Disputed who best danced a reel
They chose, as a judge,
Mister Barnaby Rudge
For whom 'twas a mighty ordeal.
Cor Blimey, I ne'er saw the like
It's three hairy men on a bike!
A trick such as that
Performed with eclat
Just bowls me right off of my trike.
We listen; we keep a straight face
As Bush pronounces "nuclear race"
But we can't hide a grin
At George's chagrin
When, mid-sentence, he loses his place
There once was a writer from Wrab
Who wrote of lives dreary and drab
These sorry commuters
On sorrier scooters
Since long they had left in a cab....
There was an old man from Nantucket
With no worldly goods but a bucket
At the bottom of which
Lay a kitten, named Titch,
People gaped at how far he could chuck it.
Do I win £5 for not finishing with "f*ck it"?
Do I win £5 for not finishing with "f*ck it"?
*splutters tea into her keypad*
While wand'ring around B & Q (ISP) Only if you can prove that you would not have used that asterisk.
I searched high and low for a screw
Just one, on its own
Or two-- one to loan--
But multipacks is all that they do. Bloody irritating. In the old days, one could go to the local ironmonger, but they have all gone to the wall. Grumble, moan.....
I grumble and moan and complain
That my wife is the cause of my pain
But her skill at defining
My incessant whining
Is proof that she has half a brain
Half a brain is better than none
Why just ask a zombie, my son
Why not ask Tony Blair
He's the brain of a hare
And Mad Hatter all rolled into one
“Hey you, please get up and get dressed,”
Called chef to a bare turkey breast
But the breast did not answer
The culinary chancer
Who was mad, as you may well have guessed. . . . weird . . .
"Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet,"
And read from Wyrd Sisters
While piercing my blisters This is really stupid - someone put it out of its misery, please!
Where my heels and my shoes had just met Now moving swiftly on...
I stay in the poshest hotels
With the Bishop of Bath and of Wells
We share a hot tub [Chalky] In my defence, I invoked Wyrd Sisters only because it pointed to the only other rhyme for "helmet" I could think of (Duke Felmet).
Eat room service grub- [PJ] Not you, m'dear - it was yet another opening line in speech marks I was railing against :-)
And play Beatles songs on our handbells.
The Bishop has got a big dong
It's not nearly so wide as it's long
When he puts it on show
The sharp end does glow
And choirboys keep singing their song... Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet, I said as we swung from the pelmet, And while we’re up here, I’ll lay you my dear, And use my baldhead if you’re unmet….
The sign in the window: "A vendre"
Which I took as a double entendre
I based my suspicions
On other omissions
Elle repose á la fenetre se détendre
There are discs; some are hard, some are floppy
There are bisques, some with lard, that are sloppy
I like to compare
The two, although they're
As diverse as a rose and a poppy
Horticultural savvy is fine
When it comes to a Wisteria vine
But it won't help you change
Your opinion on mange
Though it helps with a glass of red wine.... (Noah, one of our first Horticulturists taught us the tricks of enjoying garden life!)
Escaping conventional thoughts
Requires a dozen blue cots
One handful of brainwaves
A few music staves
And an infinite number of noughts.
'S not easy to grasp Relativity
And that is a shame, quite a pity
For the concept of time
Is bent, like this rhyme
To which I have quite a proclivity
Tonite I must polish my Harley
With a lettuce and syrup of barley
I find that the shine
On that Fat Boy of mine
Leights up the whall Rhondda Vaali.
Expenditure budgeted well
Is joyous, so I ring my bell
For fiscal propriety (Projoy) God, that's boring. :-)
Brings people satiety
By making life as boring as hell
Actuarial recalculations
Have declared that in Europe all nations run on . . .
Are living too long
And, therefore, must pong
So let's have some deodoration
(Sorry, missed off the S.)
Freight loadings are 5% up!
That's great, now I'll by a Pick-up!
But freight on the rail
Arrives on the nail
- Allows you to stay home and sup
Your lips are as shiny as honey
Your lips are as shiny as honey
But don't make for me any money
So go on the game
But assume a false name
I swear I'll be proud of you, sonny.
In Canada, dollars and dimes
Are slang for the tariffs for crimes
Sow your oats and do porridge
Only eat what you forage
And gamble the proceeds betimes [SMith] That was SUCH a funny last line :-)
It's time for 'objectives' and 'plans'
Writ in Powerpoint with Comic Sans
With sliding transitions
Of your fiscal ambitions
Or you'll find yourselves driving white vans.
"The better to see you with, dear,"
"My, my! You've a wonderful rear"
"The left half is quite..."
"....neat, unlike the right"
"I’ll just take a lick, have no fear!"
"Dear Gram, why your ears are so hairy"?
"Because I'm a lycanthrope, deary."
"So I'm one as well?"
"Yes, you'll go to hell."
And that was the end (well, in theory).
A long list of things I must do
Leaves me no time to care about you
No matter that your
Foot's nailed to the floor
And you're bursting to go to the loo
A shortlist of people to see
Is something I'll write you for free
And if you've got time
You can see some of mine
And we'll all have each other to tea.
The business of catching a bat
Requires that you wear a top hat
On its rim a mesh net
And, to hand, a good vet
In case there's an unseemly splat
With a 'Yay', a 'Hurrah' and 'Yippee'
I've discovered philately G & S invoked
My stamps from Botswana
New Guinea and Ghana
Show naked boobies that swings free! [Rosie] We didn’t know you were a philatelist...
A booby who swings on a rope [Marc] Oh yes, philately will get you everywhere.
Will likely not end up as pope
But nevertheless may (Marc) I'm not. I just like tits.
Unless he's not gay? [Rosie] Remarkably so do I, my glasses get misty whenever I spot a pair of good-looking tits! ( )( )
Jesus, Marc, can you not give it a break? It's the same 'joke' over and over again, which, if you're not already aware, makes you sound like a stupid and dirty old man. Please let me know if you're going to the pilg, for that's one I will take pains to avoid.
Become vicar of Stanford-Le-Hope. Or something. (Marc) You're obviously a tit man, or should I say "You're obviously a tit, man".
There once was a prudish old virgin [pen]that note was for Rosie only, hope he don't mind you reading it. See you at the pilg! [Rosie] Same to you, old man!
Who preached celibacy to spawn sturgeon
She took twenty years
And shed many tears
To make sure the eggs were emergin' OK- that's rid us of this nonsense ... onwards and upwards ...
And shed many tears
To make sure the eggs were emergin' OK- that's rid us of this nonsense ... onwards and upwards ...
There once lived a preacher called Vic
His message "Beware of Old Nick" This is more like it. Nice piece of disposal, Chalks.
He delivered his sermon - [Chalky] I feel minoritised. Us Geordies don't consider "years" and "tears" as rhyming. But then, we are daft as a brush :-)
And his parish, all German ..hmm, Multiple Lines Per Player, interesting concept....
Verschwunden im einem Augenblick I had to... anyone with a better line in english is welcome to interrupt.
I'm impressed with a) Knobbly's line, and b) babelfish's translation. Meanwhile, here's a line
While taking a sojourn in Spain
A vagabond purloined my brain
Those tacos with wine
And cod soaked in brine
Have caused me abdominal pain.
The ferry chugs over the channel
The sea is a glum shade of anil
The oil slicks are slimy
The low clouds are grimy
Can somebody please fetch a flannel?
"Bespoke", when applied to a tailor
Means 'promoted through a loud hailer'
But the phrase "off the peg"
Means that one's inside leg
Must be saved from Vlad the Impaler
The ferries of Bute and Dunoon
Have opened a route to the Moon
The journey is long
And starts in Hong Kong
(Connecting train from Kowloon).
I think, on a night so pristine,
Our thoughts should be with our dear Queen
Whose mammoth carouses (Tho' enjoyed by both Houses) Are frightfully hard to keep clean...
(Tho' enjoyed by both Houses..)
[Sticky] We like to stick to one line each in general in this game, though fair enough to you for tripping your tongue around that one.
The perils of being a monk
The perils of being a monk
Are more than just living sans-bonk
Much harder by far
Than feathers and tar
Administered when one gets drunk
If ever you yearn to break free
And sail to Trincomalee
Take an old Galway hooker
Some distilled Sambuca
Weigh anchor, and head out to sea.
I swim every day in a pool
With my sweet rubber ducky - that's cool!
We play and get wet
And sometimes we pet
But mostly we dribble and drool
Summertime, and the living is easy
But Tony Blair's party's still sleazy
One woman could wreck it:
(But it isn't Ms Beckett)
I hear he's invited Condoleezza ... well, it rhymes when i say it