And don't trust a Romulan's oath
When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
Get out of there fast!
Or else it's the end for you both.
There once was a fair maid from Skye
Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
She'd scrub with wire wool
(The naïve young fool)
those parts in which men like to lie.
The difference between you and me
Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
Just look down here
There's nothing to fear
I've filled up my basement with brie
I never eat lobster or crab
On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
Don't mention a taco
Tex-Mex gets me wacko
Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
A potter from Guadalajara
Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
So he threw a pot
In the shape of her bot
For use in films that don't star 'er.
There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
Who searched for a bride wide and far
In the Urals and Steppes
He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
Who were wider than his Bentley car
While charging my printer with ink
I said to my spouse with a wink
"How 'bout a quickie?"
it'll be nice "n" sticky
My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
Whilst scanning the paper for news
as distinct from political views
I chanced on a story
Both funny and gory
Of pool players impaled on cues
So, pot all the reds and screw back
And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
Then chalk your tip
And prepare to let rip
Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
Eheu Alack and Alas!
+ ,
Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
Eheu, alas and alack!
Eheu, alas and alack!
A lass is, alas, what I lack
So I'll look for a lad
Can it be that bad?
if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
[Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
Believe me, it's going to snow.
Believe me, it's going to snow.
This is Antarctica, that's how I know
The penguins are huddled
But my mind is muddled
Watch out! It's just ready to blow
Uhu, alas and alack
, is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
It sticks things together
Be they wood, steel or leather
Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
Uhuru, alas and alek!
That momma ain't got no respec'
She got soft-boiled heggs
And dem unshaven legs
And wrinkles all over her neck
Why, George, that's the best of the year!
Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
The thing I most like
Is an interest rate hike
And a drop in the price of my beer
My alias, Alec O'Hara
Wears orange and ocre mascara
His glitter-gel pen
Gives a rash, now and then
But makes him look like Che Guevara
Establish your characters first
The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
The love interest's next
With scenes of hot sex
And the heroine's bodice all burst
Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
(whose office with virgins is strewn)
Their readers adore
Affairs by the score
And sex by the light of the moon.
Prepare for a minuscule death
Don't even take a last breath
Your quietus make
as your life we Snopake
'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
Salubrious parts of the town
Are located quite a way down
The old Royal Mile
So go there with style
With cigars, and dressed like a clown
The pedantic ethnologist screamed
For language was not as it seemed
Since Phoenician vowels
Would sound from the bowels
And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
A disgusting limerick, to be sure
Should be full of the stench of manure
And filled up with sick
jokes about Jackson's dick
To dirty the minds of the pure
Hypnosis with strawberry jam
Can be undone with shortcake and ham
Waved before one's left eye
With a slice of Jewish rye
And really not giving a damn!
A cell that is eukaryotic
That's steeped in substances narcotic
Has a nucleotide
Thats prone to divide
To produce an antibiotic
Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
If you think this is bad
Then you must be mad
And should be held in well-kept confines
Yipsody yapsody yok
Wha-a-a-a-?
Whaaaaaat?
The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
The clock struck eleven
The mouse went to heaven
Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
A cursory glance would suggest
That this game has matured past its best
Or perhaps that's just us
'cos we do make a fuss
C'mon all, it's all just in jest
A limerick's no laughing matter
It's more than mundane idle chatter
It must be seriously taken
And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
But time your illusions will shatter
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
Complexity's to be despised
The more succinct the better
Good metre's no fetter
To keeping your list'ner surprised
My poofreader wrote I was wong,
So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
And lo and behold
The noodles were cold
As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
A turbine and nuclear reactor
But my house is still cold!
Fission's best, I was told
But forgot thermostats in to factor
A centipede learned how to dance
A fifty-leg pirouette prance
But it just cannot jive
With my big brother Clive
As fast as these forty-odd ants
Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
The earliest type of the Irish commode
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
When my parachute did not quite open
I plummeted down and kept hopin'
The ground would be soft
Where I stopped being aloft
And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
[Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
To the men of Ukraine
Who said, "What? Again?"
"No! We think this is merely a ruse"
[Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
Who caused the Belgrano to sink
As he pulled out his plug
And it started to glug
He said "It's gone down in the drink."
The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
Beamed when his queer dean was wed
but not to Friar Tuck
Who he called "fat duck"
As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
"In search of the perfect green cheese"
But alas and alack
Ive found blue, I've found black
But none in the hue of green peas
Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
And a'tearing my garments asunder
The humidity's high
From my neck to my thigh
And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
"Abracadabra !" said the wizard
Dropping into his potion, a lizard
And a piece of a frog
Two fried balls of a hog
And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
"That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
"It's God's favoured game"
So take the Lord's name
So that He can keep showers away"
"I'm back!", cried the happy young man
I survived the war in Iran
But President Bush
Kicked us all in the tush
In the way that only he can.
Resign if you must - I don't care!
You can sue me in court -if you dare!
But you must not try
To poke me in the eye
Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
I find, when I travel in vans
That there's not enough room for my fans
My groupies and flunkeys
And trained helper-monkeys
Are forced to stay over at Gran's
Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
While I entertained
With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
So what's Shangri-La when at home?
It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
And feast on the feeling
Of pruning and peeling
And arouse yourself with a comb.
While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
I met a piano quintet
The head lama played Liszt
Another was pissed
I'm taking one home as a pet
I noticed my armpits got sweaty
whenever I thought of my Betty
My hyperhydrosis
Backs up the prognosis
That I need to cool off on the jetty.
Last night as she entered her bed,
My sweat glands started to shed
Big globules of puss
Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
O to be a perfect type - ist
And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
After riches (still top of the list)
Let's all get in tune with the nation
And channel our exasperation
To make a wrong right
We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
When you want to re-boot your PC
Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
And all will be well
Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
went once to see the Sphinx
He loved his dear camel
Whom he named after Pamel-
a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.
On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.
I discovered a cure for the 'flu
Once I'd eaten the herb
the bugs to disturb
And it cured too my coeliac sprue
"Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
To her new man - a Turkish effendi
He played not a note
Nor strummed his sarod
Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
I know I've been gone for a while
And left in a worrying style
But I've now done my time
And constructed a rhyme
To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:
My first letter looks like a tent
My second's a coin oft spent
Then ditto for three
The fourth's a trainee
And my last is the vowel in Lent
[Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
In a fairy tale that I once heard
McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
Causing Little Miss Muffet
To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
Until her-locution is slurred
I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
The Estonians booed
The Lithuanians sued
Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
On this notable day for the French
They set fire to a large garden bench
It's forty foot high
The flames reached to the sky
But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
[Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
[Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
And it's camp as pink tents
Much in line with The Financial Times.
I'm rowing the rivers for fun
While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
My subject declares
in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
"I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
A verse lacking reason or rhyme
Can be seen around here all the time
Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
Things are easily solved
Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
I once met a man from Morocco
where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
Just a pleasant mistral
Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
And winds up the chaps on our block oh
What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)
To know when to keep ones mouth shut
'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
The very idea,indeed, tut tut
It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
Had a frantic aversion to fruit
The mere thought of a plum
Left him forlorn and glum
And with bad indigestion to boot!
The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
Make a very unsettling commotion
Whose effect on landlubbers
Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
Evokes tormentuous emotion
O, list to these omens portentuous
Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
But he has feet of Clay
So send him away!
And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
While making his last bid for glory
Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
Lawks m'm, it's the police
I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
Opening a bottle blushes deeply
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
And binging, full throttle
On the whisky and beer I've got here.
While reading some tales Canterbury
Of widows and others quite merry
I marvelled at Chaucer's
linguistic enforcers
But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
[Chalks] Bravo!
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
"I'd like ta talk dirty"
"'mong the garbage get flirty"
I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
pen hates it when subordinates sulk
So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
She then hands them all out
Before they all pout
Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
The best time of year to grow leeks
Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
When Winter's well-spent
and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
"The reason is clear" he explained
"When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
and foul odour lingers
It's time for your bath to be drained."
He continued, "I think you will find
"That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
And, proving his point,
He swivelled his joint
and mounted the duck from behind.
I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
Along with a Botox® injection
To the front of the brain
Straight into a vein
To give you that facial erection
To poke fun at a pig in a poke
One needs an insensitive bloke
Who lunches on cats
And wears bright purple spats
Such as the men one finds in Stoke
Your claims have no basis in fact
Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
And manners to spare
So if you are there
You'll see that their brains are intact
Unfortunately, they are insane
So is my scansion. Let's try again.
Unfortunately, they're insane
Unfortunately, they're insane
Or so say the folks from Brisbane
But how would they know?
Since they so seldom go
Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
There was a young fellow called Keith
Who sported elongated teeth
He would prey in the night
For morsels to bite
And thusly his curse would bequeath
There was a young feller called Ernie
Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
He hadn't a line
But just let out a whine
As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
You may appear badly attired
With two mismatched socks
And your sisters best frocks
(insert apostrophe wherever desired)
and those black shiny stockings you hired.
The sandman is coming, my dear
Night drapes our celestial sphere
If you shut your eyes tight
And wish hard, you just might
In the morning, with luck, still be here
Are those French fries called French by the French?
Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
No, the French call then Frites
Because of their heat
And apply them to feet - cures the stench
I drift in a boat on the ocean
I drift in a boat on the ocean
I drift in a boat on the ocean
And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
As the French say, tout de suite,
But my vomiting's due to the motion.
And now let us celebrate summer
Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
We'll just be beach bums
Each downing neat rums
Before driving off in our Hummer
If you want to impress an old flame
Invite her to go on the game
For cricket she'll love
With bat, balls and glove
But removing the stumps was a pain
My favourite firework of all
Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
The touchpaper lit
It then scares the shit
out of children who stand under it
In the beautiful waters so clear
Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up
Darren - My favourite firework of all
Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
Botherer - The touchpaper lit
Rosie - It then scares the shit
Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall
Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear
Swam two little creatures quite queer
Their antics and games
Went up in flames
Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
The weekend's upon us at last!
I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
That's dangerous talk!
Said Mindy to Mork
"You're likely to get us both glassed"
An odd-looking bird is the stork
But tasty with onions and pork
It delivers babies
And can't transmit rabies
But its voice is much better than Bjork
A chicken which once crossed the road
Fell in love with a natterjack toad
It stopped for a chat
Result, they begat
A fowl in amphibian mode
A chicken that's born with frog's legs
Results from the scrambling of eggs
When cloning goes wrong
You'll find it's not long
Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
A tune in the Dorian mode
Sung by a natterjack toad
Is likely to cause
loud, ringing applause
From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
Green, slimy and not very sporty
They don't like to joke
Or eat artichoke
Or do anything cheeky or naughty
By golly that just takes the biscuit!
Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
That's just taking the piss
My arse you can kiss
The feeling is nice if you risk it
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
They go so well with custard and tripe
Just place in the sun
You'll know when they're done
If you are a greenhousey type.
Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
With a glass of Peroni® much better
Add some antipasta
And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
Then gently bend over toiletta
So swiftly he mounted his horse
That he fell off into the gorse
I said, "That'll learn 'im"
As he fractured his sternum
Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
When your plant starts to wither and die
You should let them pickle in lye
And then let them whiten
The more so to frighten
The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
But just to be safe, ask the vet
He'll tell you, I'm sure,
That your pig is impure
If he don't use deodorant yet
It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
A selection from Wagner's Ring
The part of Brunnhilde
(Portrayed as a builder)
Is a concession to feminist bling.
It is said that owls they are wise
As to why I can only surmise
Since they can't do sudoku
just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
Can't also so he never tries
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
I'd use it if I were a bird
As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
Use another I'm sure you have heard.
A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
The crocodiles yawn
They'd like some soft porn
So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
When crocodiles bask by the river
Make sure that you cover your liver
In onions and gravy
And call out the Navy
'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
Relax and lie back in this chair
Said the dentist, a man without care
This may not be nice
But you take my advice
Be thankful I don't drill down there
[Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
The sun doesn't shine
At the base of your spine
Then plait it and look debonair
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
When digging up bodies at night
You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
They may glow in the dark
And pinch bums for a lark
And somtimes they'll give you a fright
When playing a scale on the drums
You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
A high "C" that sounds
[Rosie] They could be timpani :P
Outside of the bounds
Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
You coward, come 'ere and say that!
My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
Though often he's stroppy
His wrist is not floppy
And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
Prepare for the pancake of death
Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
It's highly emetic
And quite anaaethetic
And doesn't do much for your breath
Now prepare for the pizza of life
Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
Try not to be cheesey
Life should be easy-peasy
Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
Our license to life may expire
If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
For an arsonist's woes
And inadequate prose
May arouse a literary ire.
There once was a man from New Delhi
Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
But to eat sacred cow
's Something none will allow
not e'en in the trendiest deli.
A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
And the terrible catch is
Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
"Those bloody Chinese"
"And their damn' bonsai trees"
Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
Please place all your goods in my hands
Especially the fashionable brands
I'm referring, of course,
To my job as clothes horse
And this gun will back up my demands
Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
It's the best thing that ever I ate!
Can I have another?
If it's not too much bother
And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
An old man on the bus starts to ramble
All the passengers begin to scramble
Chaos ensued
When his rambling turned lewd
(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
Where they make the most wonderful curry
And Woking so gray
And Esher so gay
And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
I met a young gunner named Lunz
Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
By beating my head with your fan
For what I've conceived
Has got me quite peeved
And I must work as fast as I can
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
An ant in Antananarivo
(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
Just then a grasshopper
In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least
got that one out of the way, at least
Procure me tobacco, my love
And fetch me my slippers, my dove
And do wag your tail
As I sip my cold ale
And later I'll take you above
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who liked to hit balls with his putter
Men far and wide
With more hurt than their pride
Regretted their brush with this nutter.
Were we to proceed in this matter
With pointless, banal, inane chatter
Then boredom were certain
'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
[A trick I had learned in the navy]
I added some salt
And some whisky (fine malt)
The swell sent the sailors all wavy
It seems that bad light has stopped play
And that sky looks awfully grey
For when we play darts
In these northern parts
We only play on a bright day
I wouldn't think that was my car
Without fuel it shouldn't go far
So I'll panic-buy
And my tank won't be dry
I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
It's not so good for swatting those flies
But the crossword's the same
(my attempts just as lame)
I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
A pension is something you need
A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
If you save all your life
and insure your dear wife
You may profit from a dastardly deed.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who sought fame as a great body builder
The size of her pecs
Made her friends nervous wrecks
But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
All Telegraph readers say this:
It's the Home Service I really miss
And you can take ITV
Dump it into the sea
And sink it into the abyss
You can say this about Arnold Palmer
Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
Though he's strong as an ox
And he wears mismatched socks
And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
On Monday he staggered
To his Mistress, the blackguard
A cosy affair, 'nuff said
While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
I heard Super Mario humming
So I blew down the pipe
A loud fart very ripe
So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
Way back in the reign of King John
Whose follies we now dwell upon
The barons revolted
The serfs they all bolted
And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
While re-writing the old magna Carta
I was attacked by a catholic martyr
Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
And made me a slave
Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
While cooking a great fat pork chop
I spied a large maggot on top
But as they're nutricious
It was not that malicious
To serve up the meal to my pop
Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
He took drugs to speed up his feet
But to speed up your brain
Like La Moss, try cocaine
Line up for a cracking good treat!
Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
and I can't stand the whiff
Of your feet when I venture too near.
Unleash all those inner desires!
By admitting you love Richard Briers
And Penelope Keith
And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
I once met an ogre so vast
That I thought I had breathèd my last
With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
As he spat out his gum
He advised me to run away fast
So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
I think he wants me for his bride
But when he gets close
I'll give him a dose
Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
[Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
For we are freemasons
Hereditas jacens
Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
In time, you will come to discover
The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
It starts with a shout
Of a "pee", short and stout
then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
Is there anything left in the sky?
Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
A lark or a dove?
Or a cloud high above?
Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
With catkins surrounding my face
Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
I danced round the tree
widdershins,naturally
And then clockwise too, just in case
Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
Your husband has swallowed his sword
And not only that
He chewed up his spat
But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
My laptop is running on coal!
It likes nutty slack
And cocaine, beer and crack
Is there something I haven't been told?
And now that we're into October
From now until June we'll be sober
We'll drink only water
Just as we oughta
Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
"Winter draws on", my gran used to say
And the snowdrifts will be there till May
But come rain or shine
I know you'll be mine naww...
Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
There once was a maiden who said:
"I like to be taken to bed"
'Cos I've got some lurgi
I caught it off Fergie
Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
And the Autumn evenings get cold
Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
For the fire gather sticks
And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
There once was a masterful baker
Who married a pretty young Quaker
Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
With no reverends
And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
While mending a fence with some nails
A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
my cap I did doff
her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
Now we're parents and living in Wales.
A way of discouraging weeds
Is reading them poems of Swedes
Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
From across the Nordzee
May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
The third and the fifth is all right
I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
Her face flushed to red
As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
Imagine a cube on a plane:
is the picture clear in your brain?
Intersect with a sphere
A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
That'll look like a ball down a drain
The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
The smirked as she farted aloud
s/the/then
The regal emit
A fart full of wit
To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
He promised the earth and the moon
Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
And, lo, it appeared!
Although it looked weird
From behind, rather like a baboon.
The barometer falls, like the rain
Mercury goes down the drain
So let's not go out
Lest we go mad and shout
And get hurtiness all in our brain
*chuckles*
A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
But Sylvester (the cat)
Will have none of that
He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
Spend time in an oxygen tent
Wear boots that are cast in cement
Read that one in bold ...
This new form of training
Is physically draining
My aerobic credits are spent!
The EU's not sure about Turkey
Its past seems decidedly murky
Its Ottoman roots
Are as rank as old boots
Though its branches are looking quite perky
There once was a lad in Istanbul
[irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
(pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
I suggest amending it to:
There once was a lad in Stamboul
There once was a lad in Stamboul
Who went into town,'on the pull'
oops
It could not be said
He was right in the head
'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
Don't force me to drink too much punch
I've not even had any lunch
But when I have eaten
Then I won't be beaten
So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
(Hic!) I really do love you, you know
(stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
For it's only at night
That I'm sweetness and light
and a function-ing libi-do.
Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
And toads sing The Messiah
p****d as newts, in a choir
It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
With its buttery taste and nice sheen
But it's stuffed full of E's
So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
Decorum et dulce it est
Of my old school Latin, the best
But quo vadis, pray?
Vade in pace
Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
Elizabeth Violet Bott
Was rather a fine polyglot
Tho' she spoke with a lithp
Her diction was crithp
And for William she had a thoft thpot
(Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
A truculent child
Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
Except after smoking some pot.
So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
And take the proverbial piss
Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
And Swiss naval tankers
And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
And should you need slices
As you may, in a crisis,
It puts all its rivals int' shade
Pink piggies are playing in pens
On a piggery deep in the Fens
They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
Until Jamie Oliver attends.
The knockings that come from my car
Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
There's a mouse in the shaft
Woodworm, fore and aft
And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
One day, spurred on by a bet
I spent a whole day as a vet
Castrations and Neut'ring
Ligations and suturing
Paid off my credit card debt
If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
Keep bees and sell epicure honey
You'll feel more alive
May your apiary thrive
And your life always be sunny
A stack of six waffles is here
But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
Perhaps they're organic
Or alleviate panic
Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
Darren's now got wafflophilia
Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
But just say "Hang on!"
"Don't bend that fork prong"
"Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
What an outrageous colour is puce
It seems to be quite without use
Apart from on bras
(It looks awful on cars)
A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
The pleasure I get from a duck
Fades to nought next to that from a buck
But, as for a runt
which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
I think I've forgotten to mention
I suffer from hyper-tension
[SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
The blood in my veins
Makes them stand out like canes
And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
But their fondness for L's
And wet, sheepy smells
Means most now go into rehab.
The software I have in my bum
(er, not a reference to you, Softers)
Tells me when I should empty my tum
It frequently starts
With preliminary farts [Pro] No offence taken :-)
And some 'agricultural' hum oblig.
Blue cakes dead ahead! 12 o' clock!
They'll make me pop out of my frock
But if they're not eaten
They'll need some re-heatin'
By stuffin' 'em into your sock
The weekend approaches, get ready!
Its coming is rousing and heady
There's no time to lose!
There's no time to snooze!
Start drinking now, and go steady. Rather difficult rhyme, surprisingly. Much easier in Welsh; dozens of words. Probably in Italian too.
I've Veni-ed, I've Vici-ed, I've Vidi-ed
Precisely the things that were needed
To beat up the Gauls
And steal all their smalls
For my loins were ungirt; they were needed
Shit! I've just used the same word as line 2. Better do another one. Here goes:
And make sure their gardens are weeded.
'tis the hour of my discontent
And I'm full of evil intent
All round me beware
I'm likely to bare
What I shouldn't expose, as a gent
I like the red highlight for the preview but the explanatory text says "..a preview which, in words, means..." - is there an "other" missing?
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Thus read a Shakespearian blog
To be? Undecided.
Our winter: now chided.
All grist for the new pedagogue.
There was a young fellow called Danny That last one was a bit posh, eh?
Who felt very keen on his granny
His fetish for dentures
Regaled his wild ventures
But he drew the line at her fanny Coat...
píu mosso, col legno, atacca
e conflagrazione alpaca
E per si muove
Implorate Giove I don't think this is terribly good Italian grammar
E venerare Signore Chewbacca
The brightness of Venus is striking (Knobbly) Too right. It's from the Nicht gefingerpoken school of European languages.
But slightly too brash for my liking
The evening star
That shines from afar oblig.
Is an excellent guide when night-hiking
Be honest, and tell me your thoughts
Whether fully worked out or mere orts [orts: crumbs, scraps (Dictionary of obscure words)]
For a trouble when shared
Like a soul that is bared
Is soft like a sofa from Courts
nice :-)
Just say what you think. Don't hold back
Even if what you say gets a smack
Yet, an eye for an eye
Isn't something I'd try
When the faux pas occurs in the sack
The premise on which this is based
Yields a sport, keenly fought and fast-paced
Yes! it's Twister-by-email
Designed for the female
All dressed up in basques, tightly laced.
"Are all muppets Jews?" she enquired
"Or are they by Allah inspired?"
"Are controlling hands Druid?"
"With their movement so fluid" Oblig., more or less
"Or just puppets sewn and wired?"
The cause of my facial contusion
Is a thin air and plate glass confusion
The one is ethereal
The other's material
And my face, their media for fusion.
A good dump of snow in the morning
Is a reason to stay in bed yawning
'Cos all the damn schools
Will be closed; safety rules The little buggers might get COLD!
Must all be obeyed. That's a warning.
This comedy mask doesn't fit
In places it pinches a bit
And it's not really funny
To look like a bunny
Who's crouching and ready to... spit
Open season on pantomime dames
John Inman's been shot down in flames
Dale Winton's in panic
Frank Bruno's just ... manic
But don't mess with Botham; he maims. . . . rather unfair to him, actually, but this has been hanging around for a few days now.
This feels just the winter for cricket
I think I'll be keeping the wicket
But bowling on ice
Is not very nice
To penguins; take your ball and stick'et.
There once was a svelte young brunette
Who was smuggled aboard a corvette
The boot was too small - what's a corvette?
Though she curled in a ball - [Chalky] Er, it's a small ship, so unlikely to have a boot really, but we'll pretend we're talking about a Corvette Stingray shall we ? ;-)
A position she called cul-à-tête
My new sailing ship has a boot :-D
I'm a Corsair so I'll fill it with loot while on the boat/car bifircation...
An act of no Merit That's my rough little Corsa.
Like slipping a ferret
Down a gentleman's whistle-and-flute
When a bear does his job in the wood
(Proverbially, just as it should)
The mice in the grass
Start nibbling his arse
With hindsight they'd've run if they could. [a bit dull sorry - anything to get things moving again ...]
The cause of this sorry affair
So foul that I do not dare
To mention the fact
I have nada for tact
So I'll tell the whole world, I don't care
I've managed, without interference,
Ahem
I've managed, without interference,
To alter my husband's appearance
He's now eight feet tall
But has only one ball sorrysorrysorry
And that needs a sixteen-inch clearance - oooh - what a monster I've created
For those with testicular gigantism . . . there ought to be a few rhymes, and if not, well, bollocks.
(Barring the mono or double schism) Mmmm, yes, that could work, subject to the scansion police
It's wise, I suspect, throwing caution to the wind...
To join the new sect
Baptised by immersion in... (No, I can't bring myself to type it.)
It takes just a moment to find [Raak] admirable restraint, sir,
That an orange tastes better "sans rind";
But if you chew the pips
Take this wisest of tips Pompous, moi?
- just don't take the pith: 'tis unkind.
A river of buttons doth flow
A river of buttons doth flow
To a land where the cuffs dare not go - I smell realism here...
Lest they cover my watch (Projoy) You're mad. :-)
(An extravagant Swatch™)
Where they've all come from, I don't know
There was a young chap from Slovakia
Whose verse, beside ours, was much tackia
His scansion was iffy
His rhyme scheme was whiffy
Alas, uncorrected aphakia!
A seagull is fond of a beer
Until it succumbs to the fear
That one day its liver (Jux) Just going to look that up.
Will be cut as a sliver
Of coal, when the long winter gets here.
The nights are approaching their longest
The werewolves are reaching their strongest
The ghosts and the ghoulies
And Syd Rumpo's moulies
Play host to God, who is the wrong guest. - a bit clunking, sorry. That was a difficult one.
My celibate friend - here's a tip:
Use a lock to secure your fly zip
This sec-urity
I'm sure you'll agree
Will keep you safe when you let rip
If a zip-lock should fail to prevail (continuing the excellent advice...)
We'll all find out if you're male
But if you're a lass
You should go to mass
And cover your sins with a veil
For celibacy, give three cheers!
I'll not bonk for the rest of my years
That's the end of my knockin'
The bed will stop rockin'
As the eve of my life swiftly nears
While waiting for lights to turn green
I've acquired a malaise in my spleen
At red-amber I felt
My testicles melt
So please do not ask if I've "been"
I've "been" and I'm now "feeling lighter" This is disgraceful stuff. Terrible.
Yet my pants strangely seem a bit tighter
And strangely much wetter [Chalky] How do you know about testicles?
As my bits they do fetter
Could my underpants be any shite-er? No-one else could have done it with so much sweetness and panache. But I'm sorry anyway, and I'll get my coat.
When recently showered and fragrant [Darren] eeh lad ... I've melted a few in my time :-) [pen] stick around - we need you for this one ...
I jumped on an elderly vagrant
We made passionate love
While the pigeons above
Doled out the lubricating a-gent. almost rhymes...anyway it made me smirkle
Ahhh, we raise our game and lower our tone - can't be coincidence!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
In a manner both loud and abrupt!
There's nowt you can do
I'll explode right on cue
Unless you bribe me (I'm corrupt)
In New Jersey, New York and New Delhi
You see all the same things on the telly
For Sesame Street
Or the Kumar's we meet
But not the beach webcam, Pwllheli.
And those 'Stars' with that tw*t Matthew Kelly. sorrysorrysorry - no, not really.
Well, dash it - simulled.
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
Which flew down from the vault of the skies
If only they knew
They're just specks of poo
And the promise of fame is all lies.
My handbag's possessed by a demon
Actually, forget that. Not very rhymable.
Copernicus brought down the Earth
Copernicus brought down the Earth
To a much more acceptable girth
He then set about
To prove without doubt
what heliocentricity's worth. (Projoy) Your HAND-BAAAG??
Father Christmas has multiple forms
But one nature, to which they all conform
And on Christmas Eve
(so they'd have us believe)
A fat 'Ho-ho-Ho' is the norm
The Geese are getting quite fat Do you want stuffing?
I don't really care for all that Get Stuffed! yourself...
Succulent marinaise I'll have potatoes wit that if you don' mind!
On these festive days
Is best served alongside your cat
I looked in the mirror; it cracked
You'd think it'd've shown more tact
But an ugly boat-race
Has rowed over my face
In a mutual suicide pact
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
Lay Dierdrie and Senga and Carrie
They'd all lost a bet
as to whether they'd get
Themselves out of a duty to marry
The motion of trees in the night
Without wind, is a worrying sight
The dryads will walk
The Triffids will talk
Our lives the spirits will blight
Play chess on the roof of your shack
Your imagin'ry friend can play black
So if he says 'mate'
You can nail in a slate
And if he says 'check,' shoot his back
I sense an impending disaster
And so I have brought a small plaster
I've some ointment as well
For use when all hell
Breaketh loose and becometh the master
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Must not be combined with stewed horse
So take your zucchini
Marinate in Martini
Then stew with some beetroots for borsch
I like a good seasonal stew
There's a very fine place down at Kew
Where they stew a live dog
In eau de la bog
(Please take over my place in the queue!)Yuk!! .....seasonal?
A snowman is best if he's given
The eyes and nose of David Niven
Sean Connery's hat
And Dr. No's cat
Who'll ensure that with piss-holes it's riven.
This year I have only one plea [jim] sure. the dog is a german shepherd.
Please give all your presents to me
And when you've done that [Rosie] well played - you'd be amazed at the amount of time I spent conjuring up 'acts' on a snowman to guarantee a last line ending 'riven' or striven' - I obviously have nothing better to do this time of year :-)
You can don this daft hat (Chalky) Cheers. The busiest thing I am doing at this time of the year is firing off apologetic letters to all those who sent a Christmas card to my late Mum. Oh, the sins of omission.
While I *hum* a refrain at your knee. [slipping out the back door]
"Here's to you, Mrs R!" Ben declared.
To which Mrs R said: "Don't be scared" [Rosie] see Banter
And slipped off her coat
Her charms to promote (Chalky) Seen it. :-)
'Twas more than her soul that she bared.
'Tis the season for to be jolly
via HYPnotic trance of svengali
whose staring mince pies
, boring deep in my thighs,
have detected both ivy and holly.
When cold in the morning, it's best
To pack up one's back and head west
s/back/bag
Get right out of town
And dress up as a clown
But do not join the legion, Beau Geste.
A jelly what sits on a plate
Is the latest thing in the TATE
Its wobbly appeal
As an artistic meal
Was reduced when it passed sell-by date
This shed (first a shed, then a boat)
Needs treating with fresh creosote
This strange piece of art
is falling apart
And the artist has just got his coat...
The champion liverwurst maker
Has retired as town undertaker
The deli's now broke
And he's moved down to Stoke
For a life as a pottery maker
Whilst opening a tin of sardines
I squirted some sauce on my jeans
Then opened the tin
What the sardines were in
Then ate them with toast and beans Sounds pretty average for the lone eater just in from a long day :-(
'Twas the night before Christmas and all
Panto Dames had gone to the ball
Not one ugly sister
to ruin the vista
Cinders was left, with mice et al.
It's over, you've eaten. Go home!
Do not roam over land, sea or foam
And don't you dare linger
Or phantom flan flinger
Will splatter your cranial dome - is it me, or have limerick standards slipped lately, particularly at MCiOS ?
The winter sun shines on my screen (Phil) It's not you. Rhythm and humour in short supply - even rhyme sometimes.
Why, oh why, is this golden beam
So bright, yet so cold
And so young yet so old | [Phil] I agree. It was never brilliant (check the archives for evidence), but the art of scansion in particular seems to be crumbling lately.
(Compare some our current efforts with the Platonic limerick)
Only indoors this scene should be seen.
There once was a lim'rick so poor
Out of twenty, I'd give it a four
That lousy attempt
Was crude and unkempt
Now we're back to high standards once more.
Today it's so cold that I shiver (Projoy) There's posh. How do you do that? Point well made but the melody's crap. :-)
Drink hot rum, tho' it'll fu*k up your liver
A bobbly hat
A romp in my flat
Who can say there's no fun en hiver?
Inside of a hive you'll find bees
They can spell, and all have great knees
And what's even better,
They fill out a sweater,
So long as there's no absentees
This caffeine will give me a lift
The lead in my head it will shift
but as for my liver...
It will cry a river
What will spill when my flood gates are rift
So welcome to 2006
I shall learn every day some new tricks
Involving some rope
And our new model Pope
and a very large box of matchsticks Cor strike-a-light guv'nor! and other such 'Van Dyke cockernee'
Resolutions are most often broken
In ways which are better not spoken
Are those such as these:
Oops, I didn't notice the "are" in the first line, or I imagined a "which", so mine makes no grammatical sense. Try this instead:
One's New Year intention
One's New Year intention
Of modest dimension
Is less use than a £1 book token
This stance is under inspection
It seems to need no correction
But since golf requires
Lots of land in the shires
It attracts some rural attention
I'm off out to hunt for wild boar
I've got bullets enough to shoot four
Provided I aim
To kill, not to maim
Protestations I'll choose to ignore
I'd say to be fluent in Latin
You'd choose the right chair to be sat in
Whilst gargling with petrol
I'm ready to bet you'll
Achieve a result by le matin.
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Denied that his boyfriend was gay
He did, though, admit
That he managed to fit
The figurehead in his back way
Now THAT was well above average:-)
My father would often insist
He could fit, in his mouth, a whole fist
but we said, "We don't care."
So he showed us with flair
He put hand to mouth, and he missed
There was a young lady called Karen
Who knew a young lady called Sharon
The one was delightful
The other, most frightful
But both will be punted by Charon
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
The taste is OK, but it smells hummy
The aroma's not peaty
But rather quite meaty
And smells like my feety, says Mummy
Have you ever been in a canoe?
And if so, do you know what to do...
In an eskimo roll
You must waggle your pole
And watch out for where the bears poo
In my hat is some dry Plymouth gin - continuing Projoy's theme
That enters my head through my skin.
To drink through osmosis
Halts liver cirrhosis
Allowing unlimited sin.
Bravo! Wit, scansion, clever rhymes! That one had the lot!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
Come one and come all, join the crowd!
The Ninth in D Minor
For nothing is finer
I'm sure his old mum would be proud
While reading The Meaning of Liff
(As a PDF, not a GIF)
my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
Not surprised, to be frank
As the file was served as a TIFF
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We're going to visit, because
I'm hoping he'll give
me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
Was getting on fine, until shot
In the back, by a gun
By a militant nun
Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
The building site over the road
Can be entered by keying the code
"GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
Which should open Gate 1
What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
One night as she opened her door
She noticed an absence of floor
"Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
"of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
"that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
But on checking, there was f*ck all
It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
They've been waxy for years
And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
The animals entered in twos
The animals entered in twos
The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
The name of the game
Let's see what they found on their cruise
As Noah had hoisted his sails,
The elephants lifted their tails
A fair wind ensued
A fair wind ensued
(Albeit quite rude)
And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
'Twas then that the flood did commence
And swept the menagerie hence
Alas, few could swim
So Noah sang out a hymn
To save all from a damp consequence
But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
Then the crocodile pair
Emerged from their lair
To size up the animal feast!
Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
With a garnish of fricasséed newt
And a cherry coulis
A glass of cat's pee
And little dungballs en mazout.
With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
Hussein has lost none of his verve
He still sings the blues
Having nothing to loose
And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
Whilst disinfecting the loo
I noticed the pee left by Pooh
'T was all over the seat
And it covered my feet
I can't potty train him; can you?
I'm gaming with each of your minds
By undressing with open blinds
Exposing my Long-Johns,
[I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
And showing my Oxfam shop finds
The higher you climb up the pole
The harder to reach your prime goal
Especially when
The bosses are men
, iguanas, or fillies in foal
Perfection is hard to achieve
Yet if I fail, then I must leave
, Commit hara-kiri,
The philosophical theory
That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
Few people are practised at pottery
At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
Don't mention the glaze
I applied in a daze
Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
The result at the end is a lottery
The result at the end is a lottery
For seven and fourpence a week
One could dress quite remarkably chic
In 1908
But I fear that, of late,
You'd be kicked out of any boutique
I fear that disorder is rife
In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
The serfs in Fife's fiefs
Are revolting their chiefs
By offering the use of their wife
There's panic and fear on the streets!
They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
Setting buildings ablaze
And undoing their stays
And denouncing the works of John Keats.
The looters are seen on the telly
Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
Let's enforce martial law
And give them what for
For they have no casus belli.
It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
[Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
We'll return now to order,
Redefining the border
Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
At dinner there's only one topic
Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
Should we fear asteroids
Shall I take my steroids
Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
To be continued....
To be continued....
Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
We know why to drink you were driven.
Your bright ginger hair
The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
It makes your life hardly worth livin'
My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
She says I should give him the finger
But to play devil's A
Even dogs have their day
And give him his due, he's not ginger
A description I have of Chris Huhne
Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
As seen from the rear
He inspires great fear
That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
The raindrops that fall
Let me see b*gger all
Which is why I am loudly profaning.
The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
Are known by their conspicuous quirks
'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
Was strange and quite rude
Using language quite crude
Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
A terrible fellow called Lance
Was never invited to dance
His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
And his greasy bald pate
Forced rebuttals to any advance
Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
"I've got this great riff in my head".
It's Eine fine riff
But now Mozart's a stiff
His music is also quite dead.
Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
I think his fans all need to know.
For they are devout
When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
Not to look dashing,
But rather, just flashing
The orchestra with your bare breast
[Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
Don't forget Parker
His music's much darker
Just the thing for a night on the razz
My little imaginary pig
Wears a syrup-of-fig
It's from California
All pink, and named Sonia
Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
I once bought a kilo of coke
With it my fire to stoke
But the fizz had all gone
So I downed it in one
And that's when I started to choke
A feller named Ludwig van Beet
The end of his name did delete
His tune for Elise
Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
[Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
This booklet is missing some pages
This booklet is missing some pages
My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
'Cos the bits taken out
Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
It's such a big shame that the boss
Aims never for profit, but loss
He's as stupid as sh*t
Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
But the workers don't give a toss
If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
I would never have married my wife
Cause here rhyming is bad,
And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
Salaciously creeping around
With my belly quite close to the ground
I bite on her heel
And erotic'ly kneel
Then howl like a love-seeking hound
Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
"I really wish you were dead"
"So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
From here to Cleethorpes
(imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
I'm counting the ways that I love
Each finger's own place in a glove
Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
There once will be peace in this valley,
And soon we were counting the tally
Of those now departed time space continuum r us
As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
The prodigal son doth return
With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
The fatted calf lows
Snicker-snack! So it goes
For his sound effects CD we yearn
A cat in a hat once said,
"Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
Or I'll crap on your chair
Cough up balls of my hair
And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
A School Bus Driver once said
"This bus driving won't keep me fed"
So he nicks all the sweeties
Contracts diabeeties
And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
I like stealing candy from kids
Except little Suzy McLids
'Cause her's is all covered
with drool, where she's hovered
And will transmit diseases like SIDS
I act as the spoke in the wheel
with lots of bananas to peel,
I'm a fruit addict, see?
No scurvy knave, me
As I prepare my vitamin meal
There once was a Lady so lewd,
That even the Essex Men booed
For when she disrobed
With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
At the times when I haven't a clue
I tend to join hands with a gnu [I'm clearly certifiable]
We smear the vast veldt
With wildebeest smelt
Then go for some females to screw (Bestial behavior amongst all those animals...)
I'm sure to enjoy Lanzarote
I've heard it's not rainy or grotty
But instead, clean and sunny
Good value for money,
Two bottles of wine for a zloty
For free you'll get crabs at the loo [sim]potty
You can boil them in lye to make glue
And should you be "loose"
Feel free to make use
Of the paper. Use one square, not two.
Each night we'll swim (nude) in the pool
Please join us ...I guarantee you'll
have fun and get wet,
Which is not all you'll get
When we swim, (nude) in the pool.
And should we decide to get dressed
The bishop will have us all blessed
Our midnight baptism
May well cause a schism
If Janet exposes her breast
Janet was always an odd sort
Aroused by the chance she'd get caught
Though her legs she keeps crossed,
She frets at the cost
Of all the rude clothing she bought
Yet Janet J's infamous bro
Don’t like when the nose he must blow
But he'll blow something else
OK, try again, But he'll blow other things
While undressing his strings
Like a flute, a trumpet, or a oboe
While scoffing a lemon curd tart
I felt a slight pain in my heart
T'was indigestion
Which did beg the question
“What did cause that loud smelly fart?”
Explain, then, how drums came to be
They sound much too noisy to me
And as for the cymbals
They're cacophonic symbols
Of storm, strife, and turbulent sea.
I wish that my friends were not feckless
And had guarded my new diamond necklace :-(
But instead they got high
On hash cakes (with rye)
And peckish, they ate it for breakfast (the jewelry, that is)
A dour dowager from Pisa
Who, frankly, was no Mona Lisa . . . . this do-WADG-er
Tried to drag me to bed
Said she needed my head ....and I'm not very bright either...
So I chopped it right off, just to please 'er
If you find yourself headless, take heed:
Do not ride on a galloping steed
With no head, you can't see
And you may hit a tree
('Though a headache pill you will not need)
My overindulgence in eggs Ain't no-one got rhythm? The penultimate one was a right clunker.
Has my tum encroaching my legs
I can't see my toes
And am forced to impose - [Rosie] For once I disagree. There was only one non-scanning line in that one (the first, "dowager" one).
Some eggnogs with Rhum, two –three kegs... have an eggnog guys and your rhyming and rhythm will get so much better ;-)
As I drank my morning coffee
My cup, it did tip
Fluid spilled from my lip
And it looked like I'd just had a pee - Coat
My ogee has gone all awry
So I think I'll just stand here and cry
For my arch is all wonky
'Twas built by a donkey
Who'd used the wrong value for pi
Very good!
And into the fray once again
And into the fray once again
Morniversers just have no shame
[SW] Clearly!
One can but despair
At their Devil may care
Society must be to blame!
I've had quite enough, let's secede
For then all the verse shall be freed!
Rhythm - begone! Cor, this i'n' 'arf poe'ic
Fell'as come on!
Let's just claw at our eyes, till they bleed
oops! drawing my line in the sand
When ones eyes are BLOODSHOT, and red
When ones eyes are BLOODSHOT, and red
It's better to go back to bed
Try to stop the rotation
For your breakfast flotation
Get up tomorrow instead
A valiant hero in blue
Released a rock chick from the loo
where, perfecting her licks
She performed such tricks
As to fix steady dates with some glue ...maybe it's worth a try...?
This gallant, with plunger in hand . . . a handyman, t'is a noble vocation
Fights blocked drains throughout all the land (which does scan, at the risk of a sprained tongue)
He will hammer and screw, ....hoping his tools are in order...
While you wait for the loo
And his bill's never more than a grand.
My clarinet seems to have grown
It’s playing strange tones - yet unknown
I shouldn't have watered it . . . or taken liberties with the syllabic count :-)
Hung, drawn or quartered it (sorry, I know it's not the multiposting game, but I was passing and I thought I could help out)
Now it sounds like a trombone.
You remember when old Uncle Andy
Claimed he dated old Jessica Tandy
The thought of those two (Projoy) And I'm glad you did. Nothing wrong with posting 1st and 4th lines.
Makes me want to say "Ewwww"
For I'm appalled to find I am randy
Bach played on a cheap pennywhistle
If that don't appal you then this'll:
Herr Mozart's accordion
OK, bad rhyme... how about de Falla on ice
Playing: Three blind mice....
Or Puccini played on a bull's pizzle.
So could we try whisky instead?
This moonshine will leave us all dead
Here ! Slug on this raki
And chew on some baccy
In your pencil they will put lead
Pure Malt will be fine thank you Sir,
You see, I'm a finicky boozer
I insist on Laphroaig
S'miles better than Haig
Bong! Anyone else know the right pronunciation of "Laphroaig"?
Laphroaig (La-fróyg)
which makes it difficult to rhyme ..
I've always understood the g to be silent, as in joaig, ploaig, ahoaig, etc,
Though Bailey’s what Ladies prefer Never mind rhyming and/or chatting, Baileys is a reliable and fast first class G-spot moistener....
There once was a maid in a Bar,
[Raak] According to the head distiller, the "g" is pronounced. I saw him on telly 3 weeks ago on the wonderful "The Thirsty Traveller" on the Travel Channel.
Said "AnCnoc's the best whisky by far",
Said "AnCnoc's the best whisky by far",
She would oft say
That a single Islay
Would get her knocked up in a car
Tonight we have an extension now, now . . . .
To our contest of "Dumbest Invention"
The next and last entry
"Hot-pants for the Gentry",
I shudder to have to now mention
My hot pants are only lukewarm
Since I bought them before you were born
What's more, they are damp
Thanks to the hot vamp
And my awful addiction to soft porn.
While playing in Grandfather's attic
Which he can't get to, 'cos he's rheumatic
I found the remains
Of some old Hornby™ trains
Like Connex South-East, they were static.
:-)
The day that I give my last croak
I'll play, on the mourners, a joke
My coffin's spring-loaded
And the eulogy's coded
To send the whole church up in smoke
Marvellous - just make sure you are ALL at my funeral :-)
There was a young chap from Cadiz (Chalky) I may not be able to make it, actuarily.
Who failed on his química quiz
Thinking Valencia de Sodio
[Rosie] If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Could be heard on the radio [SM] Good thinking, make sure you live long enough to receive deaths kiss!
He failed to impress as a quiz whizz I guess, like me, Rosie will have had a prior engagement ;-)
I'm learning to speak Mandarin
But I can't tell my chìn from my chîn
And I tend to wing wong
When I'm meant to ling fong
But I might just get by in Guilin
I just heard a ping pong ball ping
While testing my new backhand swing
The ball just went flat
(Being cheap, useless tat)
But at least it makes wonderful bling.
Her tits swung so wildly and vulgar, ( o )( o )
There was a young golfer from Troon [Marc] Shame on you.
She waggled her tail like a cougar/Whose balls were all creased like a prune
[tithead, whoever you are, and Marc] I really had hoped not to have to face that kind of stupid sexist rubbish in here. There are oodles of sites on the web where you can exercise your misogynist sense of humour, and I for one would be pleased if you'd piss off and do it somewhere other than here.
Apologies to rab and everyone else for flaming in the lims game. I'll come back in a week's time.
Apologies to rab and everyone else for flaming in the lims game. I'll come back in a week's time.
There was a young golfer from Troon
Who played every shot with a spoon (a No. 3 wood)
(The most runcible kind)
And though much maligned [t,M] What pen said.
From bogeys he seemed quite immune
He drove from the tee with aplomb
His drive - it went off like a bomb well played pen - hear hear on all counts
It landed pin high . . . always sounds like some Chinese bloke, that.
And he let out a sigh
Because it had slipped from his palm [pen]my line was certainly not meant to offend anyone and I’m kind of surprised by your interpretation. I guess it’s with limerick lines like with kids: We love our own.....
Yeah Mark, so that's why you have to actually DRAW tits in the limerick game? Pur-lease. For the record, I hate your 'kids'. If you want to continue this discussion elsewhere, I'm quite happy to - I'm a new justine and I use aol.com for emails.
The watchmaker's son was too late
And therefore he missed his first date[pen et al] my ‘drawing’ was supposed to resemble a man with wide opened eyes watching the Women’s final of the tennis game the other day and not a pair of tits as your imagination may have fooled you to believe. Have a nice day! [Chalky]Nice line you submitted the other day at the game Multiple Lines Per Player: “By giving her one 'gainst the wall”, but beware, pen may spot it and accuse you for being a “stupid sexist rubbish” publisher!
His hair-spring had sprung (Marc) Eyes? Bollocks! They're tits. You're in a hole - stop digging. And crawling.
The alarm had not rung
And his young lady friend wouldn't wait.
"Just whom do you think that you're kidding?"
Said seller to buyer when bidding
"This is a Titian . . . . hanging quotes
No way it's Mauritian"
.. why the long pause I wonder ..
So the deal to a quick halt came skidding. .. dodgy last line in order to move swiftly on
Chalky - I'm insuring my knees to the hilt
So the deal to a quick halt came skidding. .. dodgy last line in order to move swiftly on
Chalky - I'm insuring my knees to the hilt
And my hips, though of Kevlar they're built
My ribs are of steel
(plus titanium heel)
And my false teeth- they're loaded with gilt
With 2 grams of flucloxacillin
You could wipe out all Enniskillen
All germs, bugs and cattle
You'd hear their death rattle
That's how you make a great killin'
Relaxing one day in the bath,
With a volume of Sylvia Plath
My bathing-mate's clowning
Pretending she’s drowning
What GSOH this girl hath.
I nipped into my bookies one day
And bet that Boy George wasn't gay
At eighty to one
I'd say I'd been done
But it turned out he wasn't - hooray! (in another universe.)
A funny lot, those London Loopers (It goes past my house).
Filled with tourists and some hula-hoopers
They circle the streets
They nibble their eats 1st + 4th is OK, I think.
As they stare at the guard-changing troopers
The Bishop of Bath and Wells Not everyone, it seems, knows what the London Loop is. It's a sort of M25 for walkers, and about as fast.
Never learned to control his bad smells (adding an xtra syllable for Rosie ;-)
His underarm pong
Made his churchgoing cong- (unfinished word alert)
-regation avoid waving farewells
The Bishops of Wells and of Bath
Forget that, not many rhymes for "bath".
The Bishop of Wells-next-the=Sea
The Bishop of Wells-next-the=Sea
Had a flock of just twenty and three
They worshipped their Bish
And sacrificed fish
Which after they ate for their tea
Archbishops, as rare as they are,
Are given free drinks at the bar
But Cardinals pay
For their fine Chardonnay
And prostrate themselves for a Budvar
An eparch, a breed rarer still,
Writes all his decrees with a quill
His face becomes stern
(But not quite a gurn)
When his inkpot requires a refill.
A lobster, a crab and an eel
Disputed who best danced a reel
They chose, as a judge,
Mister Barnaby Rudge
For whom 'twas a mighty ordeal.
Cor Blimey, I ne'er saw the like
It's three hairy men on a bike!
A trick such as that
Performed with eclat
Just bowls me right off of my trike.
We listen; we keep a straight face
As Bush pronounces "nuclear race"
But we can't hide a grin
At George's chagrin
When, mid-sentence, he loses his place
There once was a writer from Wrab
Who wrote of lives dreary and drab
These sorry commuters
On sorrier scooters
Since long they had left in a cab....
There was an old man from Nantucket
With no worldly goods but a bucket
At the bottom of which
Lay a kitten, named Titch,
People gaped at how far he could chuck it.
Do I win £5 for not finishing with "f*ck it"?
Do I win £5 for not finishing with "f*ck it"?
*splutters tea into her keypad*
While wand'ring around B & Q (ISP) Only if you can prove that you would not have used that asterisk.
I searched high and low for a screw
Just one, on its own
Or two-- one to loan--
But multipacks is all that they do. Bloody irritating. In the old days, one could go to the local ironmonger, but they have all gone to the wall. Grumble, moan.....
I grumble and moan and complain
That my wife is the cause of my pain
But her skill at defining
My incessant whining
Is proof that she has half a brain
Half a brain is better than none
Why just ask a zombie, my son
Why not ask Tony Blair
He's the brain of a hare
And Mad Hatter all rolled into one
“Hey you, please get up and get dressed,”
Called chef to a bare turkey breast
But the breast did not answer
The culinary chancer
Who was mad, as you may well have guessed. . . . weird . . .
"Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet,"
And read from Wyrd Sisters
While piercing my blisters This is really stupid - someone put it out of its misery, please!
Where my heels and my shoes had just met Now moving swiftly on...
I stay in the poshest hotels
With the Bishop of Bath and of Wells
We share a hot tub [Chalky] In my defence, I invoked Wyrd Sisters only because it pointed to the only other rhyme for "helmet" I could think of (Duke Felmet).
Eat room service grub- [PJ] Not you, m'dear - it was yet another opening line in speech marks I was railing against :-)
And play Beatles songs on our handbells.
The Bishop has got a big dong
It's not nearly so wide as it's long
When he puts it on show
The sharp end does glow
And choirboys keep singing their song... Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet, I said as we swung from the pelmet, And while we’re up here, I’ll lay you my dear, And use my baldhead if you’re unmet….
The sign in the window: "A vendre"
Which I took as a double entendre
I based my suspicions
On other omissions
Elle repose á la fenetre se détendre
There are discs; some are hard, some are floppy
There are bisques, some with lard, that are sloppy
I like to compare
The two, although they're
As diverse as a rose and a poppy
Horticultural savvy is fine
When it comes to a Wisteria vine
But it won't help you change
Your opinion on mange
Though it helps with a glass of red wine.... (Noah, one of our first Horticulturists taught us the tricks of enjoying garden life!)
Escaping conventional thoughts
Requires a dozen blue cots
One handful of brainwaves
A few music staves
And an infinite number of noughts.
'S not easy to grasp Relativity
And that is a shame, quite a pity
For the concept of time
Is bent, like this rhyme
To which I have quite a proclivity
Tonite I must polish my Harley
With a lettuce and syrup of barley
I find that the shine
On that Fat Boy of mine
Leights up the whall Rhondda Vaali.
Expenditure budgeted well
Is joyous, so I ring my bell
For fiscal propriety (Projoy) God, that's boring. :-)
Brings people satiety
By making life as boring as hell
Actuarial recalculations
Have declared that in Europe all nations run on . . .
Are living too long
And, therefore, must pong
So let's have some deodoration
(Sorry, missed off the S.)
Freight loadings are 5% up!
That's great, now I'll by a Pick-up!
But freight on the rail
Arrives on the nail
- Allows you to stay home and sup
Your lips are as shiny as honey
Your lips are as shiny as honey
But don't make for me any money
So go on the game
But assume a false name
I swear I'll be proud of you, sonny.
In Canada, dollars and dimes
Are slang for the tariffs for crimes
Sow your oats and do porridge
Only eat what you forage
And gamble the proceeds betimes [SMith] That was SUCH a funny last line :-)
It's time for 'objectives' and 'plans'
Writ in Powerpoint with Comic Sans
With sliding transitions
Of your fiscal ambitions
Or you'll find yourselves driving white vans.
"The better to see you with, dear,"
"My, my! You've a wonderful rear"
"The left half is quite..."
"....neat, unlike the right"
"I’ll just take a lick, have no fear!"
"Dear Gram, why your ears are so hairy"?
"Because I'm a lycanthrope, deary."
"So I'm one as well?"
"Yes, you'll go to hell."
And that was the end (well, in theory).
A long list of things I must do
Leaves me no time to care about you
No matter that your
Foot's nailed to the floor
And you're bursting to go to the loo
A shortlist of people to see
Is something I'll write you for free
And if you've got time
You can see some of mine
And we'll all have each other to tea.
The business of catching a bat
Requires that you wear a top hat
On its rim a mesh net
And, to hand, a good vet
In case there's an unseemly splat
With a 'Yay', a 'Hurrah' and 'Yippee'
I've discovered philately G & S invoked
My stamps from Botswana
New Guinea and Ghana
Show naked boobies that swings free! [Rosie] We didn’t know you were a philatelist...
A booby who swings on a rope [Marc] Oh yes, philately will get you everywhere.
Will likely not end up as pope
But nevertheless may (Marc) I'm not. I just like tits.
Unless he's not gay? [Rosie] Remarkably so do I, my glasses get misty whenever I spot a pair of good-looking tits! ( )( )
Jesus, Marc, can you not give it a break? It's the same 'joke' over and over again, which, if you're not already aware, makes you sound like a stupid and dirty old man. Please let me know if you're going to the pilg, for that's one I will take pains to avoid.
Become vicar of Stanford-Le-Hope. Or something. (Marc) You're obviously a tit man, or should I say "You're obviously a tit, man".
There once was a prudish old virgin [pen]that note was for Rosie only, hope he don't mind you reading it. See you at the pilg! [Rosie] Same to you, old man!
Who preached celibacy to spawn sturgeon
She took twenty years
And shed many tears
To make sure the eggs were emergin' OK- that's rid us of this nonsense ... onwards and upwards ...
And shed many tears
To make sure the eggs were emergin' OK- that's rid us of this nonsense ... onwards and upwards ...
There once lived a preacher called Vic
His message "Beware of Old Nick" This is more like it. Nice piece of disposal, Chalks.
He delivered his sermon - [Chalky] I feel minoritised. Us Geordies don't consider "years" and "tears" as rhyming. But then, we are daft as a brush :-)
And his parish, all German ..hmm, Multiple Lines Per Player, interesting concept....
Verschwunden im einem Augenblick I had to... anyone with a better line in english is welcome to interrupt.
I'm impressed with a) Knobbly's line, and b) babelfish's translation. Meanwhile, here's a line
While taking a sojourn in Spain
A vagabond purloined my brain
Those tacos with wine
And cod soaked in brine
Have caused me abdominal pain.
The ferry chugs over the channel
The sea is a glum shade of anil
The oil slicks are slimy
The low clouds are grimy
Can somebody please fetch a flannel?
"Bespoke", when applied to a tailor
Means 'promoted through a loud hailer'
But the phrase "off the peg"
Means that one's inside leg
Must be saved from Vlad the Impaler
The ferries of Bute and Dunoon
Have opened a route to the Moon
The journey is long
And starts in Hong Kong
(Connecting train from Kowloon).
I think, on a night so pristine,
Our thoughts should be with our dear Queen
Whose mammoth carouses (Tho' enjoyed by both Houses) Are frightfully hard to keep clean...
(Tho' enjoyed by both Houses..)
[Sticky] We like to stick to one line each in general in this game, though fair enough to you for tripping your tongue around that one.
The perils of being a monk
The perils of being a monk
Are more than just living sans-bonk
Much harder by far
Than feathers and tar
Administered when one gets drunk
If ever you yearn to break free
And sail to Trincomalee
Take an old Galway hooker
Some distilled Sambuca
Weigh anchor, and head out to sea.
I swim every day in a pool
With my sweet rubber ducky - that's cool!
We play and get wet
And sometimes we pet
But mostly we dribble and drool
Summertime, and the living is easy
But Tony Blair's party's still sleazy
One woman could wreck it:
(But it isn't Ms Beckett)
I hear he's invited Condoleezza ... well, it rhymes when i say it
I think I will live on the streets
Of one of the safe Tory seats
Like Witney, or Stone
(But not Marylbone)
Bag-Lady – no blanket no sheets....
Moving swiftly on, then...
Dear Cupid, my only desire
Dear Cupid, my only desire
Burning deep in my heart like a fire
Is for old Esther Rantzen
To put frilly pants on *forced*
And *farkle* before I retire
The day that Prime Minister Brown
Wore just birthday suit and a frown
Will have been after Blair
Stood all naked and bare
In the centre of Coventry Town
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for Projoy*
The leaders we've got we deserve, No more, no less....
Nice win there Projoy. Top marks :)
[Projoy] I think I'll be staying at the University today then...
Til the great dog of war starts to bark
KbqDIX thpmndaz romwseeh kjkrbqhl
5g11oN cqunyqsf ccbfeelg ayefutqk
I'm having difficulty getting a rhyme with that last line.
i6gEDS gdxalwuj rmyouamd xvqzkkec
Ah, that's work.