arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
The Obligatory Limericks Game
help
When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
arrow_circle_up
I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl
Then I slid to the sink
Set my nose in a kink
Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll
When dogs catch the scent of a pine
They'll either cock a leg or whine
But the worst part is this
On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)
And the owners a £25 fine
There's going to be an election
So gentlemen, wear some protection
For what's coming up
From the depths of my cup
It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.
On this day of a right royal wedding
All adultrous stigma they're shedding
But to just say 'Ones Sorry'
For a 31-year foray
Would ignore many sessions of bedding
I bring you a new kind of drink
It is made with the musk of a mink
And, since it is fizzy,
You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)
And spill most of the drink down the sink
I did about half, then gave up
It's so hard to wash a whole cup
With hands that are soft
I just lazily waft
Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup
The battle for gold is intense
though tin's just as good, and less dense
The bronze age's agent
Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
But steel wire's the best for a fence
I'm willing to negotiate
Please Joe, say it ain't so
argh, sorry...
  • Kim - I'm willing to negotiate
  • CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    • If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
    By quarter to three
    Then we can make it before its too late
    variation time:
    May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
    I'll start with
    I'm willing to negotiate
    So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    If we can agree
    By quarter to three
    My ego won't over-inflate.
    [Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
    [CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
    By four-o-clock I'll find a date
    This time I won't procrastinate
    So let's get it on
    Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
    Chalky - Before this mood's gone
    So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
    [CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
    Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
    You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
    And slide on the floor
    And collide with the door
    Taking care not to bite on your lip
    There once was an artist from Prague
    Who painted the central Camargue
    White horses galore
    Galloping along the shore
    Entre toute des grandes vagues
    There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
    Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
    With her legs e're so long
    And quadriceps strong
    And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
    A gent who was sent up to Ghent
    Caused havoc wherever he went
    When he jourmeyed from Aix
    "journeyed"...
    He let loose a hex
    Since his pronunciation was bent
    You give me lager when I ask for beer
    And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
    But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
    Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
    And you just watch me disappear!
    "Would you like an extra strong mint?"
    As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
    Can only be said
    "I'd rather be dead!"
    "Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
    When you finish your call and ring off
    I can't help but think "what a toff"
    Your accent is posh
    You talk utter tosh
    From my list you will now be struck orff.
    I once met a psychic named Beth
    Who told me the date of my death
    It was two months ago
    Which just goes to show
    Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
    I died on the first day of Spring
    And lay dead as a very dead thing
    I nourish the worms
    But can't come to terms
    With r&b, swingbeat or bling
    The one thing to remember is this:
    Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
    Urine-soaked feet
    For girl's is not neat
    You'll not be number one for a kiss.
    The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
    Know just how to make a good play go
    Their theatre's fame
    Derives from its name:
    "The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
    The insurance you sold me's no cushion
    So don't come back round to me pushin'
    With your foot in the door
    Your patter's a bore
    So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
    Let's open a new pack of verses
    So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
    They cost a pound each
    The basics we'll teach
    Of rhyming and meter and curses
    The people who live down the road
    Have cornered the market in woad
    They paint themselves blue
    An interesting hue
    Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
    Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
    As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
    To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
    You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
    peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
    Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
    One holiday weekend in May
    I went to a very strange play
    Just an empty old stage
    Holding Nicholas Cage
    With music by John. Stay away.
    I wish I could play violin
    'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
    Like fiddling the books
    With too many cooks
    Can lead to many a sin
    rats misaligned
    In politics, all is not fair
    Unless you support Tony Blair
    Whose radical stance
    on invading France
    Touched the heart of the public right there.
    The wilderness threatens my garden
    So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
    I'll brandish this scythe
    And Paraquat-ize
    And wait for the green concrete to harden
    Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
    Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
    Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
    Are the place where we'd all like to be
    Yes, grab a granny
    And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
    with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
    I bring you the following news:
    The government's bought Rodney Bewes
    They're selling Mo Mowlam
    (She was just a golem)
    And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

    [pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
    [Rosie] Top finishing btw
    [K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
    She attributes her high popularity
    To her straightforward honest vulgarity
    Her Je ne sais quoi
    And the size of her bra Sorry...
    Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
    Oh, woe and alas and alack!
    My baby's been caught smoking crack!
    I do hope her craving
    Will stop her from shaving
    The fur off our guinea pig's back.
    I've been lost for a rather long time
    Got stuck in the sunniest clime
    It might sound inviting
    But not when you're fighting
    for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
    Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
    My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
    I'll take stacks of beer
    To the end of the pier
    And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
    Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
    They really do get on my wick
    So next time I'll wait
    till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
    Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
    [Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
    It seems I just can't stop this racket
    Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
    and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
    Pulled from my belt
    And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
    I double-post here to spare Kim
    For too many first lines is grim
    But third line is easy
    By the fourth, I am queasy
    Now we're done, so back over to him
    If you think this is me - well it's not
    But quite who it is, I forgot
    It certainly aint me
    And I am not he
    So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
    Three hundred grams of hard cheese
    Lovingly applied to the knees
    Will server to save
    A maid or a knave
    From vicious attacks of large bees
    While applying a nice coat of lacquer
    My wrist just gets limper and slacker
    But, once it dries off
    I stiffen and cough
    Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
    A frivolous lass from Manchester
    Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
    She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
    and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
    by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
    I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
    I will not go into that teepee
    I'll stay in my yurt
    , my loins primly girt
    I simply will not let you take me!
    A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
    Sought out the Conservative vote
    For each was a Tory
    A right fairy story
    Politically, they've missed the boat.
    The Cup has come back to North London
    It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
    It leaks like a sieve
    But, as long as I live,
    I'll boast that at least we have won one
    To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
    Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
    So we hid in the corner
    Right behind the sauna
    So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
    There was a young lass from Old Sarum
    Who found herself in a sheik's harem
    Though worried at first,
    She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
    "They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
    [R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
    It's not a good morning for all
    Who stayed up too late at the ball
    For wine has effects
    On some types of sex
    Male or female, this mess will appal
    I met a harpoonist from Munich
    Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
    He whimpered and whaled
    Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
    Away in his shocking pink tunic
    Bangaladesh have collapsed
    [UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
    For their use of good grammar has lapsed
    Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
    The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
    [UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
    Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
    Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
    Except for the glory of me
    clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
    As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
    A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
    They say that obsession with cricket
    Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
    Start yelling "Howzat!"
    And "Look at my bat!"
    And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
    A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
    Will oft find his ball in a shrub
    This provides explanation
    of tight-lipped vexation
    Venting frustration o'er his flub
    Don't ever play poker with Mice!
    And don't let the cats near the dice!
    Don't play a smidgen
    Of chess with a pigeon
    or brag with a goat. That's vice.
    Avoid playing boule with a sloth
    And don't trust a Romulan's oath
    When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
    Get out of there fast!
    Or else it's the end for you both.
    There once was a fair maid from Skye
    Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
    She'd scrub with wire wool
    (The naïve young fool)
    those parts in which men like to lie.
    The difference between you and me
    Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
    Just look down here
    There's nothing to fear
    I've filled up my basement with brie
    I never eat lobster or crab
    On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
    Don't mention a taco
    Tex-Mex gets me wacko
    Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
    A potter from Guadalajara
    Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
    So he threw a pot
    In the shape of her bot
    For use in films that don't star 'er.
    There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
    Who searched for a bride wide and far
    In the Urals and Steppes
    He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
    Who were wider than his Bentley car
    While charging my printer with ink
    I said to my spouse with a wink
    "How 'bout a quickie?"
    it'll be nice "n" sticky
    My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
    Whilst scanning the paper for news
    as distinct from political views
    I chanced on a story
    Both funny and gory
    Of pool players impaled on cues
    So, pot all the reds and screw back
    And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
    Then chalk your tip
    And prepare to let rip
    Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
    Eheu Alack and Alas!
    + ,
    Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
    Eheu, alas and alack!
    A lass is, alas, what I lack
    So I'll look for a lad
    Can it be that bad?
    if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
    [Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
    Believe me, it's going to snow.
    This is Antarctica, that's how I know
    The penguins are huddled
    But my mind is muddled
    Watch out! It's just ready to blow
    Uhu, alas and alack
    , is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
    It sticks things together
    Be they wood, steel or leather
    Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
    Uhuru, alas and alek!
    That momma ain't got no respec'
    She got soft-boiled heggs
    And dem unshaven legs
    And wrinkles all over her neck
    Why, George, that's the best of the year!
    Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
    The thing I most like
    Is an interest rate hike
    And a drop in the price of my beer
    My alias, Alec O'Hara
    Wears orange and ocre mascara
    His glitter-gel pen
    Gives a rash, now and then
    But makes him look like Che Guevara
    Establish your characters first
    The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
    The love interest's next
    With scenes of hot sex
    And the heroine's bodice all burst
    Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
    (whose office with virgins is strewn)
    Their readers adore
    Affairs by the score
    And sex by the light of the moon.
    Prepare for a minuscule death
    Don't even take a last breath
    Your quietus make
    as your life we Snopake
    'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
    Salubrious parts of the town
    Are located quite a way down
    The old Royal Mile
    So go there with style
    With cigars, and dressed like a clown
    The pedantic ethnologist screamed
    For language was not as it seemed
    Since Phoenician vowels
    Would sound from the bowels
    And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
    A disgusting limerick, to be sure
    Should be full of the stench of manure
    And filled up with sick
    jokes about Jackson's dick
    To dirty the minds of the pure
    Hypnosis with strawberry jam
    Can be undone with shortcake and ham
    Waved before one's left eye
    With a slice of Jewish rye
    And really not giving a damn!
    A cell that is eukaryotic
    That's steeped in substances narcotic
    Has a nucleotide
    Thats prone to divide
    To produce an antibiotic
    Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
    And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
    If you think this is bad
    Then you must be mad
    And should be held in well-kept confines
    Yipsody yapsody yok
    Wha-a-a-a-?
    Whaaaaaat?
    The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
    The clock struck eleven
    The mouse went to heaven
    Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
    A cursory glance would suggest
    That this game has matured past its best
    Or perhaps that's just us
    'cos we do make a fuss
    C'mon all, it's all just in jest
    A limerick's no laughing matter
    It's more than mundane idle chatter
    It must be seriously taken
    And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
    But time your illusions will shatter
    To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
    'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
    Complexity's to be despised
    The more succinct the better
    Good metre's no fetter
    To keeping your list'ner surprised
    My poofreader wrote I was wong,
    So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
    And lo and behold
    The noodles were cold
    As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
    I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
    A turbine and nuclear reactor
    But my house is still cold!
    Fission's best, I was told
    But forgot thermostats in to factor
    A centipede learned how to dance
    A fifty-leg pirouette prance
    But it just cannot jive
    With my big brother Clive
    As fast as these forty-odd ants
    Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
    While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
    But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
    Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
    And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
    When my parachute did not quite open
    I plummeted down and kept hopin'
    The ground would be soft
    Where I stopped being aloft
    And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
    [Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
    The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
    Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
    To the men of Ukraine
    Who said, "What? Again?"
    "No! We think this is merely a ruse"
    [Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
    'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
    Who caused the Belgrano to sink
    As he pulled out his plug
    And it started to glug
    He said "It's gone down in the drink."
    The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
    Beamed when his queer dean was wed
    but not to Friar Tuck
    Who he called "fat duck"
    As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
    He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
    "In search of the perfect green cheese"
    But alas and alack
    Ive found blue, I've found black
    But none in the hue of green peas
    Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
    And a'tearing my garments asunder
    The humidity's high
    From my neck to my thigh
    And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
    "Abracadabra !" said the wizard
    Dropping into his potion, a lizard
    And a piece of a frog
    Two fried balls of a hog
    And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
    Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
    "That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
    "It's God's favoured game"
    So take the Lord's name
    So that He can keep showers away"
    "I'm back!", cried the happy young man
    I survived the war in Iran
    But President Bush
    Kicked us all in the tush
    In the way that only he can.
    Resign if you must - I don't care!
    You can sue me in court -if you dare!
    But you must not try
    To poke me in the eye
    Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
    I find, when I travel in vans
    That there's not enough room for my fans
    My groupies and flunkeys
    And trained helper-monkeys
    Are forced to stay over at Gran's
    Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
    While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
    While I entertained
    With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
    Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
    So what's Shangri-La when at home?
    It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
    And feast on the feeling
    Of pruning and peeling
    And arouse yourself with a comb.
    While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
    I met a piano quintet
    The head lama played Liszt
    Another was pissed
    I'm taking one home as a pet
    I noticed my armpits got sweaty
    whenever I thought of my Betty
    My hyperhydrosis
    Backs up the prognosis
    That I need to cool off on the jetty.
    Last night as she entered her bed,
    My sweat glands started to shed
    Big globules of puss
    Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
    Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
    'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
    O to be a perfect type - ist
    And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
    That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
    As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
    After riches (still top of the list)
    Let's all get in tune with the nation
    And channel our exasperation
    To make a wrong right
    We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
    In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
    When you want to re-boot your PC
    Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
    Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
    And all will be well
    Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
    So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
    .. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
    A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
    went once to see the Sphinx
    He loved his dear camel
    Whom he named after Pamel-
    a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
    A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

    On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

    I discovered a cure for the 'flu
    Once I'd eaten the herb
    the bugs to disturb
    And it cured too my coeliac sprue
    "Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
    To her new man - a Turkish effendi
    He played not a note
    Nor strummed his sarod
    Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
    I know I've been gone for a while
    And left in a worrying style
    But I've now done my time
    And constructed a rhyme
    To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

    My first letter looks like a tent
    My second's a coin oft spent
    Then ditto for three
    The fourth's a trainee
    And my last is the vowel in Lent

    [Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
    In a fairy tale that I once heard
    McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
    Causing Little Miss Muffet
    To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
    Until her-locution is slurred
    I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
    It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
    The Estonians booed
    The Lithuanians sued
    Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
    On this notable day for the French
    They set fire to a large garden bench
    It's forty foot high
    The flames reached to the sky
    But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
    [Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
    A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
    Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
    It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
    [Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
    And it's camp as pink tents
    Much in line with The Financial Times.
    I'm rowing the rivers for fun
    While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
    Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
    My subject declares
    in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
    "I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
    A verse lacking reason or rhyme
    Can be seen around here all the time
    Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
    Things are easily solved
    Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
    I once met a man from Morocco
    where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
    Just a pleasant mistral
    Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
    And winds up the chaps on our block oh

    What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

    To know when to keep ones mouth shut
    'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
    A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
    No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
    The very idea,indeed, tut tut
    It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
    Had a frantic aversion to fruit
    The mere thought of a plum
    Left him forlorn and glum
    And with bad indigestion to boot!
    The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
    Make a very unsettling commotion
    Whose effect on landlubbers
    Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
    Evokes tormentuous emotion
    O, list to these omens portentuous
    Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
    But he has feet of Clay
    So send him away!
    And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
    While making his last bid for glory
    Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
    stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
    Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
    And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
    The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
    Lawks m'm, it's the police
    I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
    Opening a bottle blushes deeply
    muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
    And binging, full throttle
    On the whisky and beer I've got here.
    While reading some tales Canterbury
    Of widows and others quite merry
    I marvelled at Chaucer's
    linguistic enforcers
    But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
    [Chalks] Bravo!
    In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
    He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
    "I'd like ta talk dirty"
    "'mong the garbage get flirty"
    I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
    pen hates it when subordinates sulk
    So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
    She then hands them all out
    Before they all pout
    Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
    The best time of year to grow leeks
    Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
    When Winter's well-spent
    and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
    By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
    "The reason is clear" he explained
    "When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
    In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
    and foul odour lingers
    It's time for your bath to be drained."
    He continued, "I think you will find
    "That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
    And, proving his point,
    He swivelled his joint
    and mounted the duck from behind.
    I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
    Along with a Botox® injection
    To the front of the brain
    Straight into a vein
    To give you that facial erection
    To poke fun at a pig in a poke
    One needs an insensitive bloke
    Who lunches on cats
    And wears bright purple spats
    Such as the men one finds in Stoke
    Your claims have no basis in fact
    Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
    And manners to spare
    So if you are there
    You'll see that their brains are intact
    Unfortunately, they are insane
    So is my scansion. Let's try again.
    Unfortunately, they're insane
    Or so say the folks from Brisbane
    But how would they know?
    Since they so seldom go
    Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
    There was a young fellow called Keith
    Who sported elongated teeth
    He would prey in the night
    For morsels to bite
    And thusly his curse would bequeath
    There was a young feller called Ernie
    Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
    He hadn't a line
    But just let out a whine
    As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
    When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
    You may appear badly attired
    With two mismatched socks
    And your sisters best frocks
    (insert apostrophe wherever desired)
    and those black shiny stockings you hired.
    The sandman is coming, my dear
    Night drapes our celestial sphere
    If you shut your eyes tight
    And wish hard, you just might
    In the morning, with luck, still be here
    Are those French fries called French by the French?
    Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
    No, the French call then Frites
    Because of their heat
    And apply them to feet - cures the stench
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
    My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
    As the French say, tout de suite,
    But my vomiting's due to the motion.
    And now let us celebrate summer
    Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
    We'll just be beach bums
    Each downing neat rums
    Before driving off in our Hummer
    If you want to impress an old flame
    Invite her to go on the game
    For cricket she'll love
    With bat, balls and glove
    But removing the stumps was a pain
    My favourite firework of all
    Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    The touchpaper lit
    It then scares the shit
    out of children who stand under it
    In the beautiful waters so clear
    Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up

    Darren - My favourite firework of all
    Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    Botherer - The touchpaper lit
    Rosie - It then scares the shit
    Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall

    Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear

    Swam two little creatures quite queer
    Their antics and games
    Went up in flames
    Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
    The weekend's upon us at last!
    I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
    That's dangerous talk!
    Said Mindy to Mork
    "You're likely to get us both glassed"
    An odd-looking bird is the stork
    But tasty with onions and pork
    It delivers babies
    And can't transmit rabies
    But its voice is much better than Bjork
    A chicken which once crossed the road
    Fell in love with a natterjack toad
    It stopped for a chat
    Result, they begat
    A fowl in amphibian mode
    A chicken that's born with frog's legs
    Results from the scrambling of eggs
    When cloning goes wrong
    You'll find it's not long
    Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
    A tune in the Dorian mode
    Sung by a natterjack toad
    Is likely to cause
    loud, ringing applause
    From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
    Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
    Green, slimy and not very sporty
    They don't like to joke
    Or eat artichoke
    Or do anything cheeky or naughty
    By golly that just takes the biscuit!
    Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
    That's just taking the piss
    My arse you can kiss
    The feeling is nice if you risk it
    hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
    When will my tomatoes be ripe?
    They go so well with custard and tripe
    Just place in the sun
    You'll know when they're done
    If you are a greenhousey type.
    Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
    With a glass of Peroni® much better
    Add some antipasta
    And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
    Then gently bend over toiletta
    So swiftly he mounted his horse
    That he fell off into the gorse
    I said, "That'll learn 'im"
    As he fractured his sternum
    Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
    When your plant starts to wither and die
    You should let them pickle in lye
    And then let them whiten
    The more so to frighten
    The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
    It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
    But just to be safe, ask the vet
    He'll tell you, I'm sure,
    That your pig is impure
    If he don't use deodorant yet
    It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
    A selection from Wagner's Ring
    The part of Brunnhilde
    (Portrayed as a builder)
    Is a concession to feminist bling.
    It is said that owls they are wise
    As to why I can only surmise
    Since they can't do sudoku
    just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
    Can't also so he never tries
    "Pudenda"'s a funny old word
    I'd use it if I were a bird
    As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
    With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
    Use another I'm sure you have heard.
    A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
    As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
    The crocodiles yawn
    They'd like some soft porn
    So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
    When crocodiles bask by the river
    Make sure that you cover your liver
    In onions and gravy
    And call out the Navy
    'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
    Relax and lie back in this chair
    Said the dentist, a man without care
    This may not be nice
    But you take my advice
    Be thankful I don't drill down there
    [Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
    You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
    Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
    The sun doesn't shine
    At the base of your spine
    Then plait it and look debonair
    Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
    When digging up bodies at night
    You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
    They may glow in the dark
    And pinch bums for a lark
    And somtimes they'll give you a fright
    When playing a scale on the drums
    You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
    A high "C" that sounds
    [Rosie] They could be timpani :P
    Outside of the bounds
    Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
    You coward, come 'ere and say that!
    My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
    Though often he's stroppy
    His wrist is not floppy
    And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
    Prepare for the pancake of death
    Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
    It's highly emetic
    And quite anaaethetic
    And doesn't do much for your breath
    Now prepare for the pizza of life
    Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
    Try not to be cheesey
    Life should be easy-peasy
    Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
    Our license to life may expire
    If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
    For an arsonist's woes
    And inadequate prose
    May arouse a literary ire.
    There once was a man from New Delhi
    Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
    But to eat sacred cow
    's Something none will allow
    not e'en in the trendiest deli.
    A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
    Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
    But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
    And the terrible catch is
    Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
    Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
    When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
    "Those bloody Chinese"
    "And their damn' bonsai trees"
    Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
    Please place all your goods in my hands
    Especially the fashionable brands
    I'm referring, of course,
    To my job as clothes horse
    And this gun will back up my demands
    Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
    It's the best thing that ever I ate!
    Can I have another?
    If it's not too much bother
    And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
    An old man on the bus starts to ramble
    All the passengers begin to scramble
    Chaos ensued
    When his rambling turned lewd
    (He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
    Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
    Where they make the most wonderful curry
    And Woking so gray
    And Esher so gay
    And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
    I met a young gunner named Lunz
    Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
    His grand stra-te-gy
    To lie down before three
    Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
    sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
    Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
    By beating my head with your fan
    For what I've conceived
    Has got me quite peeved
    And I must work as fast as I can
    [Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
    An ant in Antananarivo
    (A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
    Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
    Just then a grasshopper
    In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
    Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
    got that one out of the way, at least
    Procure me tobacco, my love
    And fetch me my slippers, my dove
    And do wag your tail
    As I sip my cold ale
    And later I'll take you above
    There was a young lad from Calcutta
    Who liked to hit balls with his putter
    Men far and wide
    With more hurt than their pride
    Regretted their brush with this nutter.
    Were we to proceed in this matter
    With pointless, banal, inane chatter
    Then boredom were certain
    'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
    Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
    Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
    [A trick I had learned in the navy]
    I added some salt
    And some whisky (fine malt)
    The swell sent the sailors all wavy
    It seems that bad light has stopped play
    And that sky looks awfully grey
    For when we play darts
    In these northern parts
    We only play on a bright day
    I wouldn't think that was my car
    Without fuel it shouldn't go far
    So I'll panic-buy
    And my tank won't be dry
    I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
    The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
    It's not so good for swatting those flies
    But the crossword's the same
    (my attempts just as lame)
    I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
    A pension is something you need
    A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
    If you save all your life
    and insure your dear wife
    You may profit from a dastardly deed.
    There was a young lady called Hilda
    Who sought fame as a great body builder
    The size of her pecs
    Made her friends nervous wrecks
    But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
    All Telegraph readers say this:
    It's the Home Service I really miss
    And you can take ITV
    Dump it into the sea
    And sink it into the abyss
    You can say this about Arnold Palmer
    Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
    Though he's strong as an ox
    And he wears mismatched socks
    And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
    On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
    Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
    On Monday he staggered
    To his Mistress, the blackguard
    A cosy affair, 'nuff said
    While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
    I heard Super Mario humming
    So I blew down the pipe
    A loud fart very ripe
    So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
    Way back in the reign of King John
    Whose follies we now dwell upon
    The barons revolted
    The serfs they all bolted
    And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
    While re-writing the old magna Carta
    I was attacked by a catholic martyr
    Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
    And made me a slave
    Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
    While cooking a great fat pork chop
    I spied a large maggot on top
    But as they're nutricious
    It was not that malicious
    To serve up the meal to my pop
    Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
    He took drugs to speed up his feet
    But to speed up your brain
    Like La Moss, try cocaine
    Line up for a cracking good treat!
    Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
    Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
    Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
    and I can't stand the whiff
    Of your feet when I venture too near.
    Unleash all those inner desires!
    By admitting you love Richard Briers
    And Penelope Keith
    And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
    And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
    I once met an ogre so vast
    That I thought I had breathèd my last
    With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
    As he spat out his gum
    He advised me to run away fast
    So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
    I think he wants me for his bride
    But when he gets close
    I'll give him a dose
    Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
    Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
    Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
    [Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
    For we are freemasons
    Hereditas jacens
    Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
    In time, you will come to discover
    The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
    It starts with a shout
    Of a "pee", short and stout
    then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
    Is there anything left in the sky?
    Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
    A lark or a dove?
    Or a cloud high above?
    Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
    With catkins surrounding my face
    Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
    I danced round the tree
    widdershins,naturally
    And then clockwise too, just in case
    Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
    Your husband has swallowed his sword
    And not only that
    He chewed up his spat
    But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
    Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
    My laptop is running on coal!
    It likes nutty slack
    And cocaine, beer and crack
    Is there something I haven't been told?
    And now that we're into October
    From now until June we'll be sober
    We'll drink only water
    Just as we oughta
    Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
    "Winter draws on", my gran used to say
    And the snowdrifts will be there till May
    But come rain or shine
    I know you'll be mine naww...
    Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
    There once was a maiden who said:
    "I like to be taken to bed"
    'Cos I've got some lurgi
    I caught it off Fergie
    Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
    In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
    And the Autumn evenings get cold
    Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
    For the fire gather sticks
    And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
    There once was a masterful baker
    Who married a pretty young Quaker
    Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
    With no reverends
    And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
    While mending a fence with some nails
    A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
    my cap I did doff
    her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
    Now we're parents and living in Wales.
    A way of discouraging weeds
    Is reading them poems of Swedes
    Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
    From across the Nordzee
    May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
    The third and the fifth is all right
    I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
    Her face flushed to red
    As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
    'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
    Imagine a cube on a plane:
    is the picture clear in your brain?
    Intersect with a sphere
    A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
    That'll look like a ball down a drain
    The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
    The smirked as she farted aloud
    s/the/then
    The regal emit
    A fart full of wit
    To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
    He promised the earth and the moon
    Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
    And, lo, it appeared!
    Although it looked weird
    From behind, rather like a baboon.
    The barometer falls, like the rain
    Mercury goes down the drain
    So let's not go out
    Lest we go mad and shout
    And get hurtiness all in our brain
    *chuckles*
    A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
    As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
    But Sylvester (the cat)
    Will have none of that
    He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
    Spend time in an oxygen tent
    Wear boots that are cast in cement
    Read that one in bold ...
    This new form of training
    Is physically draining
    My aerobic credits are spent!
    The EU's not sure about Turkey
    Its past seems decidedly murky
    Its Ottoman roots
    Are as rank as old boots
    Though its branches are looking quite perky
    There once was a lad in Istanbul
    [irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
    (pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
    I suggest amending it to:
    There once was a lad in Stamboul
    Who went into town,'on the pull'
    oops
    It could not be said
    He was right in the head
    'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
    Don't force me to drink too much punch
    I've not even had any lunch
    But when I have eaten
    Then I won't be beaten
    So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
    (Hic!) I really do love you, you know
    (stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
    For it's only at night
    That I'm sweetness and light
    and a function-ing libi-do.
    Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
    Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
    And toads sing The Messiah
    p****d as newts, in a choir
    It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
    And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
    With its buttery taste and nice sheen
    But it's stuffed full of E's
    So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
    Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
    Decorum et dulce it est
    Of my old school Latin, the best
    But quo vadis, pray?
    Vade in pace
    Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
    Elizabeth Violet Bott
    Was rather a fine polyglot
    Tho' she spoke with a lithp
    Her diction was crithp
    And for William she had a thoft thpot
    (Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
    Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
    Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
    A truculent child
    Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
    Except after smoking some pot.
    So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
    And take the proverbial piss
    Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
    And Swiss naval tankers
    And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
    The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
    Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
    And should you need slices
    As you may, in a crisis,
    It puts all its rivals int' shade
    Pink piggies are playing in pens
    On a piggery deep in the Fens
    They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
    But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
    Until Jamie Oliver attends.
    The knockings that come from my car
    Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
    There's a mouse in the shaft
    Woodworm, fore and aft
    And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
    One day, spurred on by a bet
    I spent a whole day as a vet
    Castrations and Neut'ring
    Ligations and suturing
    Paid off my credit card debt
    If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
    Keep bees and sell epicure honey
    You'll feel more alive
    May your apiary thrive
    And your life always be sunny
    A stack of six waffles is here
    But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
    Perhaps they're organic
    Or alleviate panic
    Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
    Darren's now got wafflophilia
    Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
    But just say "Hang on!"
    "Don't bend that fork prong"
    "Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
    What an outrageous colour is puce
    It seems to be quite without use
    Apart from on bras
    (It looks awful on cars)
    A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
    The pleasure I get from a duck
    Fades to nought next to that from a buck
    But, as for a runt
    which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
    It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
    I think I've forgotten to mention
    I suffer from hyper-tension
    [SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
    'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
    The blood in my veins
    Makes them stand out like canes
    And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
    Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
    Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
    My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
    She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
    whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
    The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
    And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
    But their fondness for L's
    And wet, sheepy smells
    Means most now go into rehab.
    The software I have in my bum
    (er, not a reference to you, Softers)
    Tells me when I should empty my tum
    It frequently starts
    With preliminary farts [Pro] No offence taken :-)
    And some 'agricultural' hum oblig.
    Blue cakes dead ahead! 12 o' clock!
    They'll make me pop out of my frock
    But if they're not eaten
    They'll need some re-heatin'
    By stuffin' 'em into your sock
    The weekend approaches, get ready!
    Its coming is rousing and heady
    There's no time to lose!
    There's no time to snooze!
    Start drinking now, and go steady. Rather difficult rhyme, surprisingly. Much easier in Welsh; dozens of words. Probably in Italian too.
    I've Veni-ed, I've Vici-ed, I've Vidi-ed
    Precisely the things that were needed
    To beat up the Gauls
    And steal all their smalls
    For my loins were ungirt; they were needed
    Shit! I've just used the same word as line 2. Better do another one. Here goes:

    And make sure their gardens are weeded.

    'tis the hour of my discontent
    And I'm full of evil intent
    All round me beware
    I'm likely to bare
    What I shouldn't expose, as a gent
    I like the red highlight for the preview but the explanatory text says "..a preview which, in words, means..." - is there an "other" missing?
    Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
    Thus read a Shakespearian blog
    To be? Undecided.
    Our winter: now chided.
    All grist for the new pedagogue.
    There was a young fellow called Danny That last one was a bit posh, eh?
    Who felt very keen on his granny
    His fetish for dentures
    Regaled his wild ventures
    But he drew the line at her fanny Coat...
    píu mosso, col legno, atacca
    e conflagrazione alpaca
    E per si muove
    Implorate Giove I don't think this is terribly good Italian grammar
    E venerare Signore Chewbacca
    The brightness of Venus is striking (Knobbly) Too right. It's from the Nicht gefingerpoken school of European languages.
    But slightly too brash for my liking
    The evening star
    That shines from afar oblig.
    Is an excellent guide when night-hiking
    Be honest, and tell me your thoughts
    Whether fully worked out or mere orts [orts: crumbs, scraps (Dictionary of obscure words)]
    For a trouble when shared
    Like a soul that is bared
    Is soft like a sofa from Courts
    nice :-)
    Just say what you think. Don't hold back
    Even if what you say gets a smack
    Yet, an eye for an eye
    Isn't something I'd try
    When the faux pas occurs in the sack
    The premise on which this is based
    Yields a sport, keenly fought and fast-paced
    Yes! it's Twister-by-email
    Designed for the female
    All dressed up in basques, tightly laced.
    "Are all muppets Jews?" she enquired
    "Or are they by Allah inspired?"
    "Are controlling hands Druid?"
    "With their movement so fluid" Oblig., more or less
    "Or just puppets sewn and wired?"
    The cause of my facial contusion
    Is a thin air and plate glass confusion
    The one is ethereal
    The other's material
    And my face, their media for fusion.
    A good dump of snow in the morning
    Is a reason to stay in bed yawning
    'Cos all the damn schools
    Will be closed; safety rules The little buggers might get COLD!
    Must all be obeyed. That's a warning.
    This comedy mask doesn't fit
    In places it pinches a bit
    And it's not really funny
    To look like a bunny
    Who's crouching and ready to... spit
    Open season on pantomime dames
    John Inman's been shot down in flames
    Dale Winton's in panic
    Frank Bruno's just ... manic
    But don't mess with Botham; he maims. . . . rather unfair to him, actually, but this has been hanging around for a few days now.
    This feels just the winter for cricket
    I think I'll be keeping the wicket
    But bowling on ice
    Is not very nice
    To penguins; take your ball and stick'et.
    There once was a svelte young brunette
    Who was smuggled aboard a corvette
    The boot was too small - what's a corvette?
    Though she curled in a ball - [Chalky] Er, it's a small ship, so unlikely to have a boot really, but we'll pretend we're talking about a Corvette Stingray shall we ? ;-)
    A position she called cul-à-tête
    My new sailing ship has a boot :-D
    I'm a Corsair so I'll fill it with loot while on the boat/car bifircation...
    An act of no Merit That's my rough little Corsa.
    Like slipping a ferret
    Down a gentleman's whistle-and-flute
    When a bear does his job in the wood
    (Proverbially, just as it should)
    The mice in the grass
    Start nibbling his arse
    With hindsight they'd've run if they could. [a bit dull sorry - anything to get things moving again ...]
    The cause of this sorry affair
    So foul that I do not dare
    To mention the fact
    I have nada for tact
    So I'll tell the whole world, I don't care
    I've managed, without interference,
    Ahem
    I've managed, without interference,
    To alter my husband's appearance
    He's now eight feet tall
    But has only one ball sorrysorrysorry
    And that needs a sixteen-inch clearance - oooh - what a monster I've created
    For those with testicular gigantism . . . there ought to be a few rhymes, and if not, well, bollocks.
    (Barring the mono or double schism) Mmmm, yes, that could work, subject to the scansion police
    It's wise, I suspect, throwing caution to the wind...
    To join the new sect
    Baptised by immersion in... (No, I can't bring myself to type it.)
    It takes just a moment to find [Raak] admirable restraint, sir,
    That an orange tastes better "sans rind";
    But if you chew the pips
    Take this wisest of tips Pompous, moi?
    - just don't take the pith: 'tis unkind.
    A river of buttons doth flow
    To a land where the cuffs dare not go - I smell realism here...
    Lest they cover my watch (Projoy) You're mad. :-)
    (An extravagant Swatch™)
    Where they've all come from, I don't know
    There was a young chap from Slovakia
    Whose verse, beside ours, was much tackia
    His scansion was iffy
    His rhyme scheme was whiffy
    Alas, uncorrected aphakia!
    A seagull is fond of a beer
    Until it succumbs to the fear
    That one day its liver (Jux) Just going to look that up.
    Will be cut as a sliver
    Of coal, when the long winter gets here.
    The nights are approaching their longest
    The werewolves are reaching their strongest
    The ghosts and the ghoulies
    And Syd Rumpo's moulies
    Play host to God, who is the wrong guest. - a bit clunking, sorry. That was a difficult one.
    My celibate friend - here's a tip:
    Use a lock to secure your fly zip
    This sec-urity
    I'm sure you'll agree
    Will keep you safe when you let rip
    If a zip-lock should fail to prevail (continuing the excellent advice...)
    We'll all find out if you're male
    But if you're a lass
    You should go to mass
    And cover your sins with a veil
    For celibacy, give three cheers!
    I'll not bonk for the rest of my years
    That's the end of my knockin'
    The bed will stop rockin'
    As the eve of my life swiftly nears
    While waiting for lights to turn green
    I've acquired a malaise in my spleen
    At red-amber I felt
    My testicles melt
    So please do not ask if I've "been"
    I've "been" and I'm now "feeling lighter" This is disgraceful stuff. Terrible.
    Yet my pants strangely seem a bit tighter
    And strangely much wetter [Chalky] How do you know about testicles?
    As my bits they do fetter
    Could my underpants be any shite-er? No-one else could have done it with so much sweetness and panache. But I'm sorry anyway, and I'll get my coat.
    When recently showered and fragrant [Darren] eeh lad ... I've melted a few in my time :-) [pen] stick around - we need you for this one ...
    I jumped on an elderly vagrant
    We made passionate love
    While the pigeons above
    Doled out the lubricating a-gent. almost rhymes...anyway it made me smirkle
    Ahhh, we raise our game and lower our tone - can't be coincidence!
    Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
    In a manner both loud and abrupt!
    There's nowt you can do
    I'll explode right on cue
    Unless you bribe me (I'm corrupt)
    In New Jersey, New York and New Delhi
    You see all the same things on the telly
    For Sesame Street
    Or the Kumar's we meet
    But not the beach webcam, Pwllheli.
    And those 'Stars' with that tw*t Matthew Kelly. sorrysorrysorry - no, not really.
    Well, dash it - simulled.
    They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
    Which flew down from the vault of the skies
    If only they knew
    They're just specks of poo
    And the promise of fame is all lies.
    My handbag's possessed by a demon
    Actually, forget that. Not very rhymable.
    Copernicus brought down the Earth
    To a much more acceptable girth
    He then set about
    To prove without doubt
    what heliocentricity's worth. (Projoy) Your HAND-BAAAG??
    Father Christmas has multiple forms
    But one nature, to which they all conform
    And on Christmas Eve
    (so they'd have us believe)
    A fat 'Ho-ho-Ho' is the norm
    The Geese are getting quite fat Do you want stuffing?
    I don't really care for all that Get Stuffed! yourself...
    Succulent marinaise I'll have potatoes wit that if you don' mind!
    On these festive days
    Is best served alongside your cat
    I looked in the mirror; it cracked
    You'd think it'd've shown more tact
    But an ugly boat-race
    Has rowed over my face
    In a mutual suicide pact
    With Thomas and Richard and Harry
    Lay Dierdrie and Senga and Carrie
    They'd all lost a bet
    as to whether they'd get
    Themselves out of a duty to marry
    The motion of trees in the night
    Without wind, is a worrying sight
    The dryads will walk
    The Triffids will talk
    Our lives the spirits will blight
    Play chess on the roof of your shack
    Your imagin'ry friend can play black
    So if he says 'mate'
    You can nail in a slate
    And if he says 'check,' shoot his back
    I sense an impending disaster
    And so I have brought a small plaster
    I've some ointment as well
    For use when all hell
    Breaketh loose and becometh the master
    Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
    Must not be combined with stewed horse
    So take your zucchini
    Marinate in Martini
    Then stew with some beetroots for borsch
    I like a good seasonal stew
    There's a very fine place down at Kew
    Where they stew a live dog
    In eau de la bog
    (Please take over my place in the queue!)Yuk!! .....seasonal?
    A snowman is best if he's given
    The eyes and nose of David Niven
    Sean Connery's hat
    And Dr. No's cat
    Who'll ensure that with piss-holes it's riven.
    This year I have only one plea [jim] sure. the dog is a german shepherd.
    Please give all your presents to me
    And when you've done that [Rosie] well played - you'd be amazed at the amount of time I spent conjuring up 'acts' on a snowman to guarantee a last line ending 'riven' or striven' - I obviously have nothing better to do this time of year :-)
    You can don this daft hat (Chalky) Cheers. The busiest thing I am doing at this time of the year is firing off apologetic letters to all those who sent a Christmas card to my late Mum. Oh, the sins of omission.
    While I *hum* a refrain at your knee. [slipping out the back door]
    "Here's to you, Mrs R!" Ben declared.
    To which Mrs R said: "Don't be scared" [Rosie] see Banter
    And slipped off her coat
    Her charms to promote (Chalky) Seen it. :-)
    'Twas more than her soul that she bared.
    'Tis the season for to be jolly
    via HYPnotic trance of svengali
    whose staring mince pies
    , boring deep in my thighs,
    have detected both ivy and holly.
    When cold in the morning, it's best
    To pack up one's back and head west
    s/back/bag
    Get right out of town
    And dress up as a clown
    But do not join the legion, Beau Geste.
    A jelly what sits on a plate
    Is the latest thing in the TATE
    Its wobbly appeal
    As an artistic meal
    Was reduced when it passed sell-by date
    This shed (first a shed, then a boat)
    Needs treating with fresh creosote
    This strange piece of art
    is falling apart
    And the artist has just got his coat...
    The champion liverwurst maker
    Has retired as town undertaker
    The deli's now broke
    And he's moved down to Stoke
    For a life as a pottery maker
    Whilst opening a tin of sardines
    I squirted some sauce on my jeans
    Then opened the tin
    What the sardines were in
    Then ate them with toast and beans Sounds pretty average for the lone eater just in from a long day :-(
    'Twas the night before Christmas and all
    Panto Dames had gone to the ball
    Not one ugly sister
    to ruin the vista
    Cinders was left, with mice et al.
    It's over, you've eaten. Go home!
    Do not roam over land, sea or foam
    And don't you dare linger
    Or phantom flan flinger
    Will splatter your cranial dome - is it me, or have limerick standards slipped lately, particularly at MCiOS ?
    The winter sun shines on my screen (Phil) It's not you. Rhythm and humour in short supply - even rhyme sometimes.
    Why, oh why, is this golden beam
    So bright, yet so cold
    And so young yet so old | [Phil] I agree. It was never brilliant (check the archives for evidence), but the art of scansion in particular seems to be crumbling lately.
    (Compare some our current efforts with the Platonic limerick)
    Only indoors this scene should be seen.
    There once was a lim'rick so poor
    Out of twenty, I'd give it a four
    That lousy attempt
    Was crude and unkempt
    Now we're back to high standards once more.
    Today it's so cold that I shiver (Projoy) There's posh. How do you do that? Point well made but the melody's crap. :-)
    Drink hot rum, tho' it'll fu*k up your liver
    A bobbly hat
    A romp in my flat
    Who can say there's no fun en hiver?
    Inside of a hive you'll find bees
    They can spell, and all have great knees
    And what's even better,
    They fill out a sweater,
    So long as there's no absentees
    This caffeine will give me a lift
    The lead in my head it will shift
    but as for my liver...
    It will cry a river
    What will spill when my flood gates are rift
    So welcome to 2006
    I shall learn every day some new tricks
    Involving some rope
    And our new model Pope
    and a very large box of matchsticks Cor strike-a-light guv'nor! and other such 'Van Dyke cockernee'
    Resolutions are most often broken
    In ways which are better not spoken
    Are those such as these:
    Oops, I didn't notice the "are" in the first line, or I imagined a "which", so mine makes no grammatical sense. Try this instead:
    One's New Year intention
    Of modest dimension
    Is less use than a £1 book token
    This stance is under inspection
    It seems to need no correction
    But since golf requires
    Lots of land in the shires
    It attracts some rural attention
    I'm off out to hunt for wild boar
    I've got bullets enough to shoot four
    Provided I aim
    To kill, not to maim
    Protestations I'll choose to ignore
    I'd say to be fluent in Latin
    You'd choose the right chair to be sat in
    Whilst gargling with petrol
    I'm ready to bet you'll
    Achieve a result by le matin.
    Well, that was really average.
    A sailor from far-off Malay
    Denied that his boyfriend was gay
    He did, though, admit
    That he managed to fit
    The figurehead in his back way
    Now THAT was well above average:-)
    My father would often insist
    He could fit, in his mouth, a whole fist
    but we said, "We don't care."
    So he showed us with flair
    He put hand to mouth, and he missed
    There was a young lady called Karen
    Who knew a young lady called Sharon
    The one was delightful
    The other, most frightful
    But both will be punted by Charon
    This scotch in my slippers is yummy
    The taste is OK, but it smells hummy
    The aroma's not peaty
    But rather quite meaty
    And smells like my feety, says Mummy
    Have you ever been in a canoe?
    And if so, do you know what to do...
    In an eskimo roll
    You must waggle your pole
    And watch out for where the bears poo
    In my hat is some dry Plymouth gin - continuing Projoy's theme
    That enters my head through my skin.
    To drink through osmosis
    Halts liver cirrhosis
    Allowing unlimited sin.
    Bravo! Wit, scansion, clever rhymes! That one had the lot!
    It's time to play Beethoven loud!
    Come one and come all, join the crowd!
    The Ninth in D Minor
    For nothing is finer
    I'm sure his old mum would be proud
    While reading The Meaning of Liff
    (As a PDF, not a GIF)
    my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
    Not surprised, to be frank
    As the file was served as a TIFF
    The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
    We're going to visit, because
    I'm hoping he'll give
    me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
    i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
    A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
    Was getting on fine, until shot
    In the back, by a gun
    By a militant nun
    Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
    The building site over the road
    Can be entered by keying the code
    "GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
    Which should open Gate 1
    What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
    One night as she opened her door
    She noticed an absence of floor
    "Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
    "of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
    "that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
    I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
    But on checking, there was f*ck all
    It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
    They've been waxy for years
    And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
    The animals entered in twos
    The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
    Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
    The name of the game
    Let's see what they found on their cruise
    As Noah had hoisted his sails,
    The elephants lifted their tails
    A fair wind ensued
    (Albeit quite rude)
    And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
    'Twas then that the flood did commence
    And swept the menagerie hence
    Alas, few could swim
    So Noah sang out a hymn
    To save all from a damp consequence
    But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
    The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
    Then the crocodile pair
    Emerged from their lair
    To size up the animal feast!
    Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
    With a garnish of fricasséed newt
    And a cherry coulis
    A glass of cat's pee
    And little dungballs en mazout.
    With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
    Hussein has lost none of his verve
    He still sings the blues
    Having nothing to loose
    And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
    Whilst disinfecting the loo
    I noticed the pee left by Pooh
    'T was all over the seat
    And it covered my feet
    I can't potty train him; can you?
    I'm gaming with each of your minds
    By undressing with open blinds
    Exposing my Long-Johns,
    [I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
    And showing my Oxfam shop finds
    The higher you climb up the pole
    The harder to reach your prime goal
    Especially when
    The bosses are men
    , iguanas, or fillies in foal
    Perfection is hard to achieve
    Yet if I fail, then I must leave
    , Commit hara-kiri,
    The philosophical theory
    That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
    Few people are practised at pottery
    At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
    Don't mention the glaze
    I applied in a daze
    Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
    The result at the end is a lottery
    For seven and fourpence a week
    One could dress quite remarkably chic
    In 1908
    But I fear that, of late,
    You'd be kicked out of any boutique
    I fear that disorder is rife
    In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
    The serfs in Fife's fiefs
    Are revolting their chiefs
    By offering the use of their wife
    There's panic and fear on the streets!
    They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
    Setting buildings ablaze
    And undoing their stays
    And denouncing the works of John Keats.
    The looters are seen on the telly
    Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
    Let's enforce martial law
    And give them what for
    For they have no casus belli.
    It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
    Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
    [Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
    We'll return now to order,
    Redefining the border
    Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
    At dinner there's only one topic
    Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
    Should we fear asteroids
    Shall I take my steroids
    Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
    To be continued....
    Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
    We know why to drink you were driven.
    Your bright ginger hair
    The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
    It makes your life hardly worth livin'
    My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
    She says I should give him the finger
    But to play devil's A
    Even dogs have their day
    And give him his due, he's not ginger
    A description I have of Chris Huhne
    Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
    As seen from the rear
    He inspires great fear
    That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
    Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
    No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
    The raindrops that fall
    Let me see b*gger all
    Which is why I am loudly profaning.
    The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
    Are known by their conspicuous quirks
    'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
    We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
    And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
    I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
    Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
    Was strange and quite rude
    Using language quite crude
    Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
    A terrible fellow called Lance
    Was never invited to dance
    His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
    And his greasy bald pate
    Forced rebuttals to any advance
    Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
    "I've got this great riff in my head".
    It's Eine fine riff
    But now Mozart's a stiff
    His music is also quite dead.
    Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
    I think his fans all need to know.
    For they are devout
    When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
    Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
    In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
    Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
    Not to look dashing,
    But rather, just flashing
    The orchestra with your bare breast
    [Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
    Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
    And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
    Don't forget Parker
    His music's much darker
    Just the thing for a night on the razz
    My little imaginary pig
    Wears a syrup-of-fig
    It's from California
    All pink, and named Sonia
    Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
    I once bought a kilo of coke
    With it my fire to stoke
    But the fizz had all gone
    So I downed it in one
    And that's when I started to choke
    A feller named Ludwig van Beet
    The end of his name did delete
    His tune for Elise
    Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
    With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
    [Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
    This booklet is missing some pages
    My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
    'Cos the bits taken out
    Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
    The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
    It's such a big shame that the boss
    Aims never for profit, but loss
    He's as stupid as sh*t
    Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
    But the workers don't give a toss
    If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
    I would never have married my wife
    Cause here rhyming is bad,
    And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
    In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
    Salaciously creeping around
    With my belly quite close to the ground
    I bite on her heel
    And erotic'ly kneel
    Then howl like a love-seeking hound
    Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
    "I really wish you were dead"
    "So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
    From here to Cleethorpes
    (imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
    But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
    I'm counting the ways that I love
    Each finger's own place in a glove
    Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
    Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
    With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
    There once will be peace in this valley,
    And soon we were counting the tally
    Of those now departed time space continuum r us
    As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
    to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
    The prodigal son doth return
    With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
    The fatted calf lows
    Snicker-snack! So it goes
    For his sound effects CD we yearn
    A cat in a hat once said,
    "Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
    Or I'll crap on your chair
    Cough up balls of my hair
    And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
    A School Bus Driver once said
    "This bus driving won't keep me fed"
    So he nicks all the sweeties
    Contracts diabeeties
    And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
    I like stealing candy from kids
    Except little Suzy McLids
    'Cause her's is all covered
    with drool, where she's hovered
    And will transmit diseases like SIDS
    I act as the spoke in the wheel
    with lots of bananas to peel,
    I'm a fruit addict, see?
    No scurvy knave, me
    As I prepare my vitamin meal
    There once was a Lady so lewd,
    That even the Essex Men booed
    For when she disrobed
    With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
    And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
    At the times when I haven't a clue
    I tend to join hands with a gnu [I'm clearly certifiable]
    We smear the vast veldt
    With wildebeest smelt
    Then go for some females to screw (Bestial behavior amongst all those animals...)
    I'm sure to enjoy Lanzarote
    I've heard it's not rainy or grotty
    But instead, clean and sunny
    Good value for money,
    Two bottles of wine for a zloty
    For free you'll get crabs at the loo [sim]potty
    You can boil them in lye to make glue
    And should you be "loose"
    Feel free to make use
    Of the paper. Use one square, not two.
    Each night we'll swim (nude) in the pool
    Please join us ...I guarantee you'll
    have fun and get wet,
    Which is not all you'll get
    When we swim, (nude) in the pool.
    And should we decide to get dressed
    The bishop will have us all blessed
    Our midnight baptism
    May well cause a schism
    If Janet exposes her breast
    Janet was always an odd sort
    Aroused by the chance she'd get caught
    Though her legs she keeps crossed,
    She frets at the cost
    Of all the rude clothing she bought
    Yet Janet J's infamous bro
    Don’t like when the nose he must blow
    But he'll blow something else
    OK, try again, But he'll blow other things
    While undressing his strings
    Like a flute, a trumpet, or a oboe
    While scoffing a lemon curd tart
    I felt a slight pain in my heart
    T'was indigestion
    Which did beg the question
    “What did cause that loud smelly fart?”
    Explain, then, how drums came to be
    They sound much too noisy to me
    And as for the cymbals
    They're cacophonic symbols
    Of storm, strife, and turbulent sea.
    I wish that my friends were not feckless
    And had guarded my new diamond necklace :-(
    But instead they got high
    On hash cakes (with rye)
    And peckish, they ate it for breakfast (the jewelry, that is)
    A dour dowager from Pisa
    Who, frankly, was no Mona Lisa . . . . this do-WADG-er
    Tried to drag me to bed
    Said she needed my head ....and I'm not very bright either...
    So I chopped it right off, just to please 'er
    If you find yourself headless, take heed:
    Do not ride on a galloping steed
    With no head, you can't see
    And you may hit a tree
    ('Though a headache pill you will not need)
    My overindulgence in eggs Ain't no-one got rhythm? The penultimate one was a right clunker.
    Has my tum encroaching my legs
    I can't see my toes
    And am forced to impose - [Rosie] For once I disagree. There was only one non-scanning line in that one (the first, "dowager" one).
    Some eggnogs with Rhum, two –three kegs... have an eggnog guys and your rhyming and rhythm will get so much better ;-)
    As I drank my morning coffee
    My saucer slipped slightly agee last syllable in line one stressed I assume
    My cup, it did tip
    Fluid spilled from my lip
    And it looked like I'd just had a pee - Coat
    My ogee has gone all awry
    So I think I'll just stand here and cry
    For my arch is all wonky
    'Twas built by a donkey
    Who'd used the wrong value for pi
    Very good!
    And into the fray once again
    Morniversers just have no shame
    [SW] Clearly!
    One can but despair
    At their Devil may care
    Society must be to blame!
    I've had quite enough, let's secede
    For then all the verse shall be freed!
    Rhythm - begone! Cor, this i'n' 'arf poe'ic
    Fell'as come on!
    Let's just claw at our eyes, till they bleed
    oops! drawing my line in the sand
    When ones eyes are BLOODSHOT, and red
    It's better to go back to bed
    Try to stop the rotation
    For your breakfast flotation
    Get up tomorrow instead
    A valiant hero in blue
    Released a rock chick from the loo
    where, perfecting her licks
    She performed such tricks
    As to fix steady dates with some glue ...maybe it's worth a try...?
    This gallant, with plunger in hand . . . a handyman, t'is a noble vocation
    Fights blocked drains throughout all the land (which does scan, at the risk of a sprained tongue)
    He will hammer and screw, ....hoping his tools are in order...
    While you wait for the loo
    And his bill's never more than a grand.
    My clarinet seems to have grown
    It’s playing strange tones - yet unknown
    I shouldn't have watered it . . . or taken liberties with the syllabic count :-)
    Hung, drawn or quartered it (sorry, I know it's not the multiposting game, but I was passing and I thought I could help out)
    Now it sounds like a trombone.
    You remember when old Uncle Andy
    Claimed he dated old Jessica Tandy
    The thought of those two (Projoy) And I'm glad you did. Nothing wrong with posting 1st and 4th lines.
    Makes me want to say "Ewwww"
    For I'm appalled to find I am randy
    Bach played on a cheap pennywhistle
    If that don't appal you then this'll:
    Herr Mozart's accordion
    OK, bad rhyme... how about de Falla on ice
    Playing: Three blind mice....
    Or Puccini played on a bull's pizzle.
    So could we try whisky instead?
    This moonshine will leave us all dead
    Here ! Slug on this raki
    And chew on some baccy
    In your pencil they will put lead
    Pure Malt will be fine thank you Sir,
    You see, I'm a finicky boozer
    I insist on Laphroaig
    S'miles better than Haig
    Bong! Anyone else know the right pronunciation of "Laphroaig"?
    Laphroaig (La-fróyg)
    which makes it difficult to rhyme ..
    I've always understood the g to be silent, as in joaig, ploaig, ahoaig, etc,
    Though Bailey’s what Ladies prefer Never mind rhyming and/or chatting, Baileys is a reliable and fast first class G-spot moistener....
    There once was a maid in a Bar,
    [Raak] According to the head distiller, the "g" is pronounced. I saw him on telly 3 weeks ago on the wonderful "The Thirsty Traveller" on the Travel Channel.
    Said "AnCnoc's the best whisky by far",
    She would oft say
    That a single Islay
    Would get her knocked up in a car
    Tonight we have an extension now, now . . . .
    To our contest of "Dumbest Invention"
    The next and last entry
    "Hot-pants for the Gentry",
    I shudder to have to now mention
    My hot pants are only lukewarm
    Since I bought them before you were born
    What's more, they are damp
    Thanks to the hot vamp
    And my awful addiction to soft porn.
    While playing in Grandfather's attic
    Which he can't get to, 'cos he's rheumatic
    I found the remains
    Of some old Hornby™ trains
    Like Connex South-East, they were static.
    :-)
    The day that I give my last croak
    I'll play, on the mourners, a joke
    My coffin's spring-loaded
    And the eulogy's coded
    To send the whole church up in smoke
    Marvellous - just make sure you are ALL at my funeral :-)
    There was a young chap from Cadiz (Chalky) I may not be able to make it, actuarily.
    Who failed on his química quiz
    Thinking Valencia de Sodio
    [Rosie] If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
    Could be heard on the radio [SM] Good thinking, make sure you live long enough to receive deaths kiss!
    He failed to impress as a quiz whizz I guess, like me, Rosie will have had a prior engagement ;-)
    I'm learning to speak Mandarin
    But I can't tell my chìn from my chîn
    And I tend to wing wong
    When I'm meant to ling fong
    But I might just get by in Guilin
    I just heard a ping pong ball ping
    While testing my new backhand swing
    The ball just went flat
    (Being cheap, useless tat)
    But at least it makes wonderful bling.
    Her tits swung so wildly and vulgar, ( o )( o )
    There was a young golfer from Troon [Marc] Shame on you.
    She waggled her tail like a cougar/Whose balls were all creased like a prune
    [tithead, whoever you are, and Marc] I really had hoped not to have to face that kind of stupid sexist rubbish in here. There are oodles of sites on the web where you can exercise your misogynist sense of humour, and I for one would be pleased if you'd piss off and do it somewhere other than here.
    Apologies to rab and everyone else for flaming in the lims game. I'll come back in a week's time.
    There was a young golfer from Troon
    Who played every shot with a spoon     (a No. 3 wood)
    (The most runcible kind)
    And though much maligned [t,M] What pen said.
    From bogeys he seemed quite immune
    He drove from the tee with aplomb
    His drive - it went off like a bomb well played pen - hear hear on all counts
    It landed pin high . . . always sounds like some Chinese bloke, that.
    And he let out a sigh
    Because it had slipped from his palm [pen]my line was certainly not meant to offend anyone and I’m kind of surprised by your interpretation. I guess it’s with limerick lines like with kids: We love our own.....
    Yeah Mark, so that's why you have to actually DRAW tits in the limerick game? Pur-lease. For the record, I hate your 'kids'. If you want to continue this discussion elsewhere, I'm quite happy to - I'm a new justine and I use aol.com for emails.
    The watchmaker's son was too late
    And therefore he missed his first date[pen et al] my ‘drawing’ was supposed to resemble a man with wide opened eyes watching the Women’s final of the tennis game the other day and not a pair of tits as your imagination may have fooled you to believe. Have a nice day! [Chalky]Nice line you submitted the other day at the game Multiple Lines Per Player: “By giving her one 'gainst the wall”, but beware, pen may spot it and accuse you for being a “stupid sexist rubbish” publisher!
    His hair-spring had sprung (Marc) Eyes? Bollocks! They're tits. You're in a hole - stop digging. And crawling.
    The alarm had not rung
    And his young lady friend wouldn't wait.
    "Just whom do you think that you're kidding?"
    Said seller to buyer when bidding
    "This is a Titian . . . . hanging quotes
    No way it's Mauritian"
    .. why the long pause I wonder ..
    So the deal to a quick halt came skidding. .. dodgy last line in order to move swiftly on
    Chalky - I'm insuring my knees to the hilt
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord