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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
No need to learn French, then.
Bad News
You get extra garlic rations to make up for it.
Good News
You're off to Transylvania next week, so the extra garlic will come in handy.
Bad News
Customs take it from you before entering the country.
Good News
They don't let you enter the country at all.
Bad News
They deport you to Afghanistan.
Good News
They let you go into Pakistan, where the locals are impressed by your cricketing expertise.
Bad News
You realise that cricket is the most tedious activity in the world, and face a hideous death from boredom.
Good News
You turn to meditation to escape boredom and find God (underneath a small rock). God tells you to start a new religion.
Bad News
You're still in Pakistan, and the locals are unimpressed by your choice of religion.
Good News
You soon talk them round to your way of thinking.
Bad News
Unfortunately, religion is not about thinking.
Good News
But all the atheists are to busy not thinking to notice anyway.
Bad News
They're too busy talking on their mobiles while driving (or not) on the M25/Parkway East/[insert your local static motorway here].
Good News
You call on God to smite all mobile phone users with ear-boils. He does! Your religion obtains 100 million new converts.
Bad News
They have all just been smitten ie they are dead.
Good News
They're actually all smitten with you. You're popular again!
Bad News
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
Good News
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
Bad News
Not for you
Good News
You persuade your most faithful acolyte to take your place disguised as you, and sneak off to live in quiet obscurity in another country.
Bad News
Who wants to be quiet and obscure?
Good News
YOU DO ! And you achieve it, living in a beautiful house designed by Le Corbusier in the midst of the French Alps.
Bad News
There is an avelanche and your house is swept into oblivion together with your collection of Picasso and Salvador Dali paintings.
Good News
Your surreal world is gone. You can return to sanity.
Bad News
There ain't no Sanity Clause* in your contract.
*credit Mr. Marx
Good News
Your contract is as a strictly non-playing footballer. However you still full wages of £millions a week!
Bad News
Your club is going to have start laying you all off to avoid going into administration.
Good News
You still make a personal fortune in advertising revenue.
Bad News
It's in Parmalat, and you're paid in stock options.
Good News
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
Bad News
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
News (Good)
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
Bad News
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
Good News
You sell your story for a lot of money
Bad News
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
Good News
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
Bad News
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
Good News
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
Bad News
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
Good News
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
Bad News
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
Good News
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
Bad News
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
Good News
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
Bad News
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
Good News
Red is the new white.
Bad News
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
Good News
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
Bad News
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
Good News
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
Bad News
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
Good News
Your bad taste brings you fame and fortune in the great fashion magazines of the world!
Bad News
Because of that, everyone thinks that you are Victoria Beckham.
Good News
ITV want you in there next Celebrity reality show.
Bad News
You've agreed to do it
Good News
It could be fatal
Bad News
As you are still invisible, no one can see you to vote you out. You are trapped in a jungle with 2 Ant/Decs forever!
Good News
The two Ant's take a shine to you and smuggle in six pack of beer.
Bad News
Low alcohol beer
Good News
It is Belgian, so "Low Alcohol" actually means 5.5%
Bad News
I can't think of any possible reason why the last entry could be in any way, shape or form, bad news.
Good News
I can
Bad News
The next post will takeus back to the tenuously constructed story.
Good News
The sheer tenuousness of the story means that we've forgotten it, and we can now place ourselves wherever we like - say, as president of the United States.
Bad News
If so, you'll have your arse licked by Tony Blair.
Good News
Of the 640 coalition deaths in Iraq only 545 are Americans.
Bad News
95 of them weren't
Good News
The 95 that weren't were *caused* by Americans
Bad News
That *was* the Bad News
Good News
'Good News' and 'Bad News' are now indistinguishable, meaning that newsreaders need no longer practise 'good news' and 'bad news' facial expressions and the ban on botox treatments and collagen lip-implants for newsreaders is lifted.
Bad News
Everything that newsreaders say is still utter guff.
Good News
To gain more viewers the news is to be made more entertaining.
Bad News
Regrettably there turns out to be a greater number of wars than rescued kittens.
Good news
A lot of the kittens rescued are from war torn areas!
Bad News
Those kittens are all cleverly disguised bombs
Good News
Kittens can be deployed in 45 minutes and are considered as WMD. (They are in my house anyway).
Bad News
Hans Blix can't find his kitten.
Good News
But the rumour is that he has a Tiger in his tank (pun intended!)
Bad News
It's a real tiger
Good News
But it's tanked on watermelon-flavoured alco-pops, and can only manage a rumbling 'hic-purrrrrrrrr-hic-purrrrrrrr' as it staggers about.
Bad News
This is no good for running Hans' car.
Good News
It is listed as a driver on his insurance
Bad News
He'll probably be losing his no claims bonus.
Good News
No one has ever stopped his tank to ask for proof of insurance
Bad News
Parked on double yellow lines its just been clamped.
Good News
He's reached the age when it's good to take things a little slowly.
Bad News
He's chosen not to
Good News
He intends to succeed Michael Schumacher as Formula One World Champion when he retires.
Bad News
Michael Schumacher is not going to retire
Good News
This is because he's being cloned, thus bring into the world a race of chaffeurs.
bad news
chaffeurs are like pigs in Beverly Hills, your mother is a sow farmer in Mexico and you forgot to make porridge for your daughter
Good News
That made perfect sense
Bad News
Ce qui chaffe est un chaffeur.
Good News
Your French knowledge is practically zero, so there's no bad news.
Bad News
The french
Good News
It's only a matter of time before the Americans notice them.
Bad News
The Americans aren't the most efficient and they'll probably take out Briain on the way in.
Good News
They've only taken out the T but then they have a history of that.
Bad News
They're going after Brian next.
Good News
Brian is probably marginally safer than he would be if he were fighting on the Americans' side. Oooh! controversial political satire!
Bad News
Not if Mel Gibson has anything to do with it.
Good News
At least a decent British actor will play the baddie.
Bad News
British actors *always* play the baddie.
Good News
The baddie is the best role by far!
Bad News
Every decent British actor who has ever been cast as a baddie has emigrated.
Good News
There's always Brian Blessed...
Bad News
There will always be Brian Blessed!
Good News
He's about to emigrate.
Bad News
...taking you with him.
Good News
First class all the way
Bad News
You are flying by Bashkirian Airlines
Good News
Their first class is quite good, actually.
Bad News
You're only saying that to be polite to them.
Good News
They dont understand a word of what you've been saying.
Bad News
The captain also doesn't understand a word Air Traffic Control have been saying.
Good News
The captain does understand the letters and numbers, which is enough for him to avoid crashing into any other aircraft.
Bad News
...but not sand dunes isolated in the middle of the Saharan Desert.
Good News
But he's so lost he couldn't even find the Sahara
Bad News
He's found Birmingham city centre.
Good News
So has the SAS! They're here to arrest the air crew and Brian Blessed on terrorism charges!
Bad News
You're going with them, and because you've been designated an enemy combatant you won't have access to a lawyer, the right to trial, or even knowledge of what you are accused of while you languish in prison for an unspecified number of years.
Good News
They have a draughts set in the prison, and your are a world champion draughts (checkers)player!
Bad News
No one will play against you
Good News
It's a singles draughts championship
Bad News
None of the women going to this singles championship want a date with you.
Good News
One of the men does
Bad News
He's too butch. (Did I say that out loud? Hide me!)
Good News
You beat him at draughts, softening him up.
Bad News
He wants to play a new game involving a cucumber, axle grease and a tin of Spam!
Good News
You have the option of saying "no."
Bad News
Caryl Chessman will be the adjudicator.
Good News
They get on so well they decide to play the game together instead, and you can leave them to it.
Bad News
You've got nothing else to do all day now no-one'll play you at draughts, so you end up watching.
Good News
The Governor, a well known Manchester City supporter has decided to throw a party for all the inmates.
Bad News
Most of them support Man U, as might be expected.
Good News
That means you're the governor's favourite.
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