live in the south of Spain among like-minded individuals. There, the sun shines constantly, making . . . .

...candlelit dinners somewhat pointless. This of course is why I never...

...actually moved to Spain, especially since I was still locked up in Strangeways, albeit dreaming of sunnier climes. My 'cellmate', a ...

...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...

...the warden was coshed from behind with a jar of grasshopper and walnut chutney by...

...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...

..she wanted the secret of my grasshopper and walnut chutney. But I wasn't that much of a pushover, and I traded it for snout. Meanwhile...

... back in Aldershot, Mildred had a suspect package delivered which turned out to be ...

...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...

..."you dozy twat - you never got little Samantha a birthday present last August!" I was so stunned by this outburst that I...

...immediately went to try and locate the perfect gift. However, I did have to avoid...

...the legions of police who were scouring the country for me, so I cunningly disguised myself...

as Berthold Brecht. Thus, slipping easily through the police cordon on the M3 at Frimley, I made my way to....