Today is a great day for sea-goats ! You will get a date for the excision of your ingrowing toenail, you will find a faience brooch in your cutlery drawer, and you will see a vision of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in TESCO's car park. Avoid butter until Tuesday however. Your lucky electronic component is the electrolytic capacitor.

Today is a good day. After a siege of eight months, you will finally capture the city of Saguntum, thereby breaking the Ebro River treaty, and precipitating the Second Punic War. Your best bet is to march into Gaul, before assembling a force of war elephants and attacking Rome from over the Alps. Avoid Libyssa. Your lucky presocratic is Heraclitus.

You have an abundance of caring of other people, share this gift with those that seek the pleasure of work. Do not clean up after yourself today, others shall take enjoyment from tidying your unruly mess and washing your most honourable dirty cups. Their industry will bring you tranquility of enlightenment.

Today is a good day to die.

Life is never smooth. The chunky texture of your life right now has a vinegary aftertaste which may not be to your liking. However, rest assured there will be a sweet taste of success, which is sure to be yours to relish at leisure once you have managed to get the lid off. Just don't look too closely at the label.

Before you go, remind too distant exterior on a leg you of it that you receive, in order to backwards finally culminate. They saved the premium for the end, and is it maintains ages. Begin the music and observe their might those have written to dance. Passion? Luck? Novel? Not, not really.

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You will be the butt of forty-eight distinct jokes made by fellow musicians, at least two of whom shall be trombonists. You shall then get together with three of your number, get into a mini and drive in the direction of the nearest cliff. Having overshot, someone on the cliff edge will shout "You could have got five of them in easily".

Today is a good day to follow your chosen star. Be prepared for a walk in the park, the bush by the southern entrance will provide ample cover. Should there be shopping, beware of cameras and security. It has been a week since you last made contact, make up for lost time send three cards and phone twice. Tommorrow the police will come for you after breakfast.

This card speaks of dark secrets and vicious rumour. Looks like it's true about Mr Fisher, then -- right there in the cafeteria, apparently! Probably best to eat elsewhere today.

You will be involved in a ferocious bidding war today, but ten pence really is too much for the Mills & Boon so I'd let Mrs Tinker have it if I were you. Mind the loose paving stone on the way out of the church hall, though - you don't want to go ruining your new tights with only having worn them a week! Do pop in to see Mr Hedges at the butcher's; he's got a nice Cumberland sausage in this week, or so he says. I thought he was from Manchester.

Hmm, I knew there was a reason I preferred Earl Grey.