Uranus is in ascension so you should think about losing weight. Starting your own badger grooming business could ease your financial stress. Don't blow situations out of proportion, just use dynamite instead. Travel will get you places. Beware anyone who offers you a custard cream.

Be abstemious at lunch today. A heavy meal and one Baby Cham too many could see you nodding off at your desk during the afternoon, and when you wake up the world will have been invaded by alien pod people. On no account let them assimilate you!

Dental floss plays a significant part in your day, when you turn up to work and find a job lot sitting on your desk obscuring your computer. Meanwhile, your spouse is in a sticky situation with a randy clergyman over the local nativity play, while your children decide to go exploring at the local substation with hilarious consequences. Your lucky amusingly-shaped root vegetable is a breast-like beetroot.

You may feel like metastasising today, but hang on! If you wait just one more day, then your host will have got through their annual medical with a clean bill of health, and you'll be able to grow all over the place without fear of being noticed until it's too late. Your lucky tumour is non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

You will be sentenced to 10-20 today. Stabbing your barrister outside the courtroom might be your only picker-upper all day. Don't forget your toothbrush and soap-on-a-rope. Your lucky cellmate is 'Toine.

Tomorrow is a good day for stopping and thinking, which is a pity since your lack of activity will result in the destruction of the known universe by your arch enemy.

Your long striving for pop music success will finally bear fruit this evening at about 7:36pm when you will perform "Day Drem Believer" at your favourite karaoke bar and remember almost 70% of the lyics. The applause will be enthusiastic but sparse. Next time, remember to invite more relatives.
just bringing in another astrological tradition since we've kind of done the Zodiac