Now, as pointed out I couldn't do the theatre thing, so I decided that musical interludes all round might be a good idea. Although a much less original idea when I noted the introduction of Herr Weill into matt's last effort... and for some reason there's a bit of a teutonic feel to the following. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:
| A: A Euripidean Interlude performed by The Thomas Morley Minstrels A finest blend of furcations 1 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Minstrels: It is that time of the play, We fear that Meediam will rebel,
Did you know about Syze' mother? Bow, exeunt | ||||
| B: Spanklines The beginning of an intercourse in which new punchlines are UHUed onto old jokes | ||||
| What's funny about a pair of legs? | ||||
| C: A Pinterian Interlude performed by Arnold Schönberg's Merry Men A finest blend of furcations 3 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| A consort comprising piccolo, tuba, triangle and counter-tenor enter the stage. After tuning up the music begins, though it's hard to tell. Countertenor (Twelve-tone Sprechgesang) Der Peugeot ist nicht wilkommen hier, Du! Langeweile! Warum jägst du mich?
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| D: Carpe Diem The beginning of an intercourse in which foreign tongues are unravelled | ||||
| Credibile est, quia ineptum est | ||||
| E: An Ortonesque Interlude performed by The Cure A finest blend of furcations 4 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Enter five middle-aged men wearing big hair and lipstick Twelve-minute intro Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "Why can't we ever be alone" she said "Why can't we ever be alone" she said Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "But now I know it's all gone" she said You know I want you back, Exit on unresolved dominant seventh | ||||
| F: Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline A finest blend of furcations 5 and 18 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Tiddles, daughter of Tigger and Fluff, after a long period fighting the Asian Flea Virus has, at the age of 9, passed away. Best known in the local Tom community as 'The one from No. 6 who lets you do it moggy-style' Tiddles was much loved for her semi-permanent occupation of the bird table at No. 12. After several years waiting for a bird to land, no-one had the heart to tell Tiddles that the presence of a large ginger mog is sufficient to scare our feathered dinners to pastures far away. Tiddles will be fondly remembered for waking up her owner at three o'clock every night for an urgent appointment at the rear cat-flap. No one will ever know why. Nevertheless she will be sorely missed and may she rest in peace. | ||||
| G: A Sheridanish Interlude performed by Björk A finest blend of furcations 6 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Short pause whilst the stage is reset to accomodate a full string orchestra, 13 harps, a Gamelan ensemble and a rack of keyboards, samplers and other technical wizardry. I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, The one who's so far away... | ||||
| H: Baker's Two A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Hammersmith, reversing. | ||||
| I: A break from Tenessee Williams written, arranged, performed, produced, remixed and mastered by The Artist Formerly Known as The Symbol Used To Represent The Artist Formerly Known as Prince A finest blend of furcations 8 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| The Purple One: I'm so horny, Eye no everyone wanna funk me! The New Power Generation: He's so horny, we all just wanna funk him! Purple: Yeah! Everyone in this funking house, get down on the floor an' funk me! NPG: We're down on floor, we all just wanna funk U! Several hand claps, super-funk guitar riffs and 'Oh yeah!'s later... NPG: C'mon horny pony! Get on the mike! Nevertheless TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP ascends to the "mike" Purple: Yeah I'm the funkiest funker in this town, Music slows, and the Purple one adopts a falsetto My love for God! Continues 4ever | ||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate The beginning of an intercourse designed to relieve the drudgery of doing it yourself | ||||
| FUNCTION THE FIRST: A holder for giants' toothbrushes | ||||
| K: A Neil Bartlettian Interlude performed by Yello A finest blend of furcations 9 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Insistent Latin-style percussion Implausibly low voice spoken through a reverb that goes up to eleven: Horns Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Guitar solo (overdrive) Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Horns Sampled radio excerpt - American female newscaster: Horns Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Music stops suddenly Implausibly low voice: Carumba! | ||||
| L: Straight face The beginning of an intercourse in which partners' giggles are sought | ||||
| Pork ... Sword | ||||
| M: Let me check Fran's shoe, Bert. A perversion of furcations 10 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Slow, sombre piano chords. Enter baritone. Still ist es hier! Ich brauche meinen Diener Wo fangen wir an? Dramatische Pause Ich weiss genau! Noch 'ne In dem Schuh der Frau Du hast schon den Begriff, oder? | ||||
| N: Cartier Bracelet The beginning of an intercourse into which branded products are inserted | ||||
| Nicola took a brief respite from contemplating whether the ceiling needed Artexing, and started to slide her left hand inside the waistband of Steve's Calvin Klein trunks. "I'd love to darling" panted Steve, but a quick glance at his Rolex revealed that he should have left the house several minutes ago. "But you said..." objected Nicola, although she knew that she was perhaps a little to blame by opening a second bottle of Hardy's Stamp of Australia, as the label adhered to the vessel by the bed reminded her. "You know that if I miss the Arriva Northern service, I'll be late for the Cadbury's meeting." "Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't actually a front for ... | ||||
| O: Oh Yes It Is the arrival of The KLF A finest blend of furcations 11 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Offstage pipes and drums Prince Charming: What in the bloody blazes of Cornish Dairy Milk Ice Cream is that? Enter the KLF accompanied by full highland marching band MU MU! MU MU! FX: Machine guns and sampled crowd noise MU MU! MU MU! Now beautiful princess we wouldn't mislay yer, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Though the dragon here is the spawn of evil, (MC) To the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge, yo! Whilst Prince Charming runs to the bridge (I know) to slay the dragon, the band breaks into a rendition of Sheep May Safely Graze for no reason that anyone can think of. (MC) Bring the beat back! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! So Charming Prince if you want yer lady, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Repeat to fade | ||||
| P: Stap me vitals! It's Vanilla Mornington Crescent The beginning of a contest whose rules can be purchased from all good bookstores | ||||
| Opening at Moorgate, home at Leicester Square. | ||||
| Q: Tasteless Butler Did It A disturbing alliance of elements taken from furcations 12 and 16 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Irrevérsible - arse the up | ||||
| R: Bollocks! The beginning of an intercourse in which participants strive to be noisier than the last | ||||
| Bollocks | ||||
| S: 10,000 Reverse Comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob A finest blend of furcations 13 and 20 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| [Blob] 9,993 I've got an important guest coming to dinner tonight, and I thought it might be appropriate to have some fluffy decorations about the place. Do you think your daughter, a bag of cotton wool and some glitter glue suitably combined might help sort me out? | ||||
| T: Stupid Questions The beginning of an intercourse in which asking for the rules would be a valid manouevre | ||||
| What is an occasional table the rest of the time? | ||||
| U: I, Douglas Smith, Will Be Playing... A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation -- well, you try doing something else with it | ||||
| It's the ACME once-a-day automatic trifle dispenser. | ||||
| V: The Jet Set Willy Game The beginning of an intercourse which revisits the warped creation of a Mr Matthew Smith | ||||
| The Nightmare Room, denying Quirkafleeg | ||||
| W: Small Earthquakers The ill-advised combination of furcations 15 and 19 of the previous incarnation | ||||
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| X: Dull Nonindigenous Sound Charades The inevitable marriage of the remains of furcations 16 and 17 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| What I said last time pretty much stands, so I shall provide a little light relief as matt and Martha sort things out between themselves. Multimedia parody - four words
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| Y: Dee Twinty-Sivin in the Big Bruther Hoose The beginning of an intercourse which parodies the only spectator sport more slow-moving than this one | ||||
Dee twinty-sivin, and the hoosemeets huv been sittin in the garden for siventyfoor ooahs
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| Z: Just a Minim A continution of furcation 21 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| London's burning! The smoke's smoking! Fire! Flames! Blaze! Conflagration! Fetch the engines! Call the tenders! Pour on water! Dowse with liquid! Capital's enkindled! City's searing! *deep breath* The conurbation that lies on the Thames is engulfed in bright flashy things! *collapses* | ||||
| [1] | The message clearly refers to the number of jammy badgers that need to be slapped in the faces of the Persians to evade the oncoming war | King Syze: Alas, my daughter, fair as the moonlit sky Radiant as Aurora's daylight breath, You think I haven't tried to plead for clemency? My servant, Standates, will soon return With the words of the Delphic Oracle herself, The vessel of Apollo in this world The one who lured King Croesus to his doom And chose the great Themistocles to be Her reader, and the saviour of Athens. Enter Standates, and Massiva Syze, the king's mother
The words of the gracious Oracle. Nine months Have I carried this treasure from Parnassus To now conclude my journey with this step. The actions of wise men outweigh the words Of but a single prophet. If the news Were not the kind you want, then would you kill Your only daughter for a scrap of reeds? I offer half my fortune, that you might Destroy the accursed box and keep your wits As well, your regal reputation true. King Syze: You thus compel me to open the box. [Does so, with a bit of ceremony, courtiers staning with bated breath] And if we follow our instincts, then we all Will find ourselves devoured by the Fates. We must conserve our best supplies, like you, [Meediam] To ward off evil spirits. This clue could quite outsphinx the Theban Sphinx Let's hope and pray that someone can explain Its mystery before the day is out Enter (who else?) Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo, Lutenist | |||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||
| [2] | Spank My Jammy Badger never caught on properly on the West Coast, as the badgers grabbed the table tennis bats and waked across the snow on them instead | Watching a spider do its Fly impression. Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards! | |||||||||
| Spanklines | |||||||||||
| [3] | It was a jammy badger that originated the tradition of long pauses in Pinter's plays. It was only when Harold started slapping them that they could be made to shut up, you see | King Syze: Piss off! Sie müssen jetzt hören, was wir wissen. Seit wir in unserem eigenen Land sind. Doch, werden wir überprüfen, Fran's Schuh, Bert Enter Graziela and... oh, let's say... Barry | |||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||
| [4] | So many people were buying jam in the summer of 1981 that there were virtually no badgers left to slap by the time they all left. Which is why shops could afford to give credit eventually | We only give credit to idiots. Numquid tunc hoc dominum politicum | |||||||||
| Carpe Diem | |||||||||||
| [5] | "What The Jammy Badger Saw", an early draft of a better-known play (called "Loot") examined the psychology of the badger after sticking it through the hole in a doughnut and slapping it with jam. Oddly enough, the badger became rather docile and, indeed, attractive, as the experiment took its toll on the psychologists | Enter Prince Minuscule, who is huge Enter Lutenist, now dressed as King | |||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||
| [6] | Had they studied the bereavement notice below, "Brocky, the beloved pet of retired jam-slapper Ivor Perversion, went the way of the trilobite last night," it might have been a quite different story. And Scorsese bought the rights immediately | | |||||||||
| Late Nostalgic Review of "Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline" | |||||||||||
| [7] | Poor John Lovelie is so named because of recently being mistaked for a jammy badger and slapped to within an inch of his front doorway | Short pause while the stage is divested of its musical paraphernalia King Syze: Egad, daughter! This is no lovely place! We affect creditors and duns night and day, the Israelites beat at our honest Gentile gates as though the hordes of Assyria were baying at their feet. My stars, it's money we require and it's money we shall have, if the suits of Lord Angerman and Count Spondulicks can be secured. Now, repair to your chambers and select a silken robe with which to ensnare one of these upstanding young social pillars. Enter Lady Thick | |||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||
| [8] | Jammy Badgerslapping | Covent Garden | |||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||
| [9] | [Deleted verse from the DVD] "Eye wanna funk this jammy badger o' mine/I'll slap it with mah cricket bat so fine/No m**********r's gonna slap him 'fore I'm done/I'll slap im till he's got only one lung" | Sebastian: I cain't stan' any more o'this! Sebastian pulls a shotgun and shoots TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP stone dead. Cheers from Audience Belle: Oh Brother Man what'd you do thayat fower? Man I heard 'im sayin' he was the Prince! An' now we ain't got no fella to come dragon slayin' over New Years'. Man you is so inconsiderate sometimes. Belle moves to TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP and strokes his head Enter Graziela, who immediately starts attacking Belle Enter Prince Charming | |||||||||
Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||
| [10] | Slide in a bunch of badgers by their necks, stretch them properly, coat them liberally with a paintbrush of jam, push two halves of workmate together and... | FUNCTION THE SECOND: A portable "=" sign for signalling maths problems to low-flying aircraft | |||||||||
| 101 Uses for a Black & Decker Workmate | |||||||||||
| [11] | The French originally took to badger-slapping as a way of getting thier livers to burst out through the top of their heads. This was then deep-fried with liberal amounts of jam in order to make a piquant sauce for duckling [Escoffier, II, pp.97-9] | Scene 3: Police Station. Prince Charming is behind bars and being interrogated Constable Gerard: According to your statement (let me see), I've never come to terms with this, and hope That you'll understand my plea as misanthrope. Besides, in fact he took me by surprise and Hit me with a showstopper by Streisand (And some other fellow I'd never heard of before called Yello) And if that's not enough, my clothing should evince My highfalutin status as a Prince! Whether or not you're the real Prince Charming. There's only room for one "PC" round here And not the one with bad behaviour! Enter Boleti But you'll have to help me win your sister, Meediam! I have the bail you need to be released Despite your murder of Miss Bourne the Beast Should go the way of poor old Mister Bette! But no, I'll let him bail me out of this mess Then maybe I'll get to meet the Princess! [Not aside] Gerard! This man's prepared to put up bail To spring me out of your disgusting jail! Boleti: And now we'll go and meet your sister! | |||||||||
| Moliere (in the ubiquitous Neil Bartlett translation) | |||||||||||
| [12] | Badgers can't help laughing when slapped with jam. Try it now | Titter ... Smirk | |||||||||
| Straight Face | |||||||||||
| [13] | Bert actually absconded to get away from his girlfriend. In all other respects she was quite normal, but whenever they were in bed together, at the crucial moment she tended to cry out the immortal phrase.... | [Exit baritone] But answer came there none Enter mysterious stranger with one shoe
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| The Oats/Chekhov Interface | |||||||||||
| [14] | Try slapping a badger with a jam-filled Cartier bracelet. Or else | ...your covert activities against the Nestlé corporation, your ongoing campaign to rid the world of the horrors of Nescafé, Milky Bar, KitKat, Smash, Smarties..." Steve put a Nailwell-manicured finger over Nicola's exquisitely Revlonned lips. "Hush now, Bulgari," he whispered, sending a thrill through Nicola's entire Lipo-LovelyTM torso as he used her favourite pet name. "Just ring your friends, Dorothy Perkins, Miss Selfridge, Ann Summers, St. Michael, Sue Ryder..." "Maybe not her." "Okay, just play with this Fort Knox gold bullion till I get back. My, you look truly Brillo-pad today. Your eyes like Swarovski crystal, those teeth like..." "Colgate, particularly. Bring me back something really special. Something like... like..." | |||||||||
| Cartier Bracelet | |||||||||||
| [15] | Princess Laguna is in fact played by a jammy badger. Not quite a celebrity in her own right, but after winning the lead in the new Scorsese production, just watch this space. (Needless to say, she's a bit of a slapper) | Mrs Dragon: Oi! Your band! Dragon: Yes, I'm fast and she's hideous. Shouts and screams offstage of "Help, Help! Save Me! Someone, Please!" Prince Charming: Oh what was that? Enter Princess Laguna, blonde and ravishing, possibly played by celeb of your choosing
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| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||
| [16] | I hope someone starts Jammy Badger-flavour MC next move. I'll slap em all round the court | Hmm, you've got me. I *farkle* but reserving home at Russell Square | |||||||||
| Vanilla MC | |||||||||||
| [17] | The Magnificent Seven - slap jammy badgers | Se7en - Paltrow gives head | |||||||||
| Tasteless Butler Did It | |||||||||||
| [18] | But not quite as much as the game of Slap My Jammy Badger |  | |||||||||
| Bollocks | |||||||||||
| [19] | I have two badgers right here with me. I've called them Penelope and Blob. One of them has just slapped the other with jam. It's all happening today on Big Badger! | 9,994 I yearn for you madly, your firm, manly arms, your flowing chestnut hair, I want you to take me and hold me close for all eternity as I burn in the fire of your passion, as I melt into a glow of unbridled scintillating love. | |||||||||
| 10,000 comments Pen wouldn't make to Blob | |||||||||||
| [20] | What is a jammy badger and why should it be slapped so much? | If someone with a multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation? | |||||||||
| Stupid Questions | |||||||||||
| [21] | How about *splut* Oooh! Mkk mmk mmkkkk! | No, no, this is clearly an outtake from David V. Goliath - The Rematch, a fair fight set in a boxing ring. *click* kwarkwarkwarbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! | |||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||
| [22] | Unlike Jam Splat Wally, where a Monty Mole-type clone goes round picking up jamjars without getting splatted by the pneumatic pistons | I'll open at Macaroni Ted, with a podume on the Spacecraft from Zzoom! | |||||||||
| Jet Set Willy | |||||||||||
| [23] | Obviously the Pope is an inveterate badger-slapper, and lives only on Jam up in Castel Gandolfo with his three little stoats |
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| Small HYPEarthquakers | |||||||||||
| [24] | Clue: It's not "Slap My Jammy Badger!" | [matt] The Return Of Fucking = The Return Of The King? And, similarly... [rab] Bored Of The Rings? God knows I've had enough time to think about them. Anyway, moving swiftly on... Aerial shot of a Flash Crowd: Film, 4 words | |||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||
| [25] | David Blaine is currently thinking "Oh, how many jammy badgers I'm going to slap when I get out of this stupid box!" Many students have taken to slapping jammy badgers on the box and trying to mke them stick, just to tantalise him | | |||||||||
| Dee Twinty-Sivin As The Fly Trapped In David Blaine's Box | |||||||||||
| [26] | Richard Gere once played King Caractacus. Backstage, after the orgy scene, he remained so in character that he obtained a badger, lubricated it with jam, and slapped it up his... [Snip! Ed.] | Now, the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus Were just passing by (All together at this point!) The current moment, the women of the seraglio of the palace of the aforementioned ruler Came past a short time ago The instant here, the females of the love nest of the hall of that monarch Went thataway slightly previously, At present, the girls of the knocking-shop of the throne-room of the previously-named regal man Recently travelled alongside the viewer The immediate second, the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches in the britches of the boys who laid the powder on the noses of the faces of the birds of the brothel of the grotto of said kingly bloke So if you want to take some pictures of the engaging enchantresses who've lain the entrancing thin strings in the kecks of the masculine children who ladled PCP on the conks of the dames of Priapus's paradise of the natural abode of the country's trusted advisors of the number-one-big-fella whose identity was revealed by me, you're TOO LATE! | |||||||||
| Just A Minim | |||||||||||
| [27] | Slap My Jammy Badger! | Jammy Badger-Slapping was the breakout sport in this year's World Championship games, so I felt it was worthwhile publicising it in this forum too | |||||||||
| Celebrity Commentary | |||||||||||