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The Furcation Game
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Each game fork has its own rules. Additional forks may be possible if the particular game would allow it at the time. Reunifications must be legal in all affected forks.
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Thank goodness no-one got there before me. Ladies and gentlement I present...
i
Stratford 		Enter drunk lutenist, who strums almost tunefully
Boleti: What is this noise that has just started
and so painfully my earlobes parted?
Lutenist: For 'tis the weasel dance Sire
The one the king doth most admire
Graziela: (to audience) Not when I have my way
And the king have banished away!
ii
Oh Yes It Is! 		Prince Charming: Ah, Princess Graziela, the fairest of all in this land.
Graziela: (coyly) Prince Charming! (to audience) The most handsome prince there ever was; I wonder if he do ask for my hand in marriage?
Prince Charming falls to knees, unaware of the arrival of Dobbin the Pantomime horse in the background.
Charming: I was wondering, o fair Graziela
Graziela flutters eye-lashes
Dobbin approachs Charming and Graziela, inserting his nose right into the middle of their entrace and brays loudly
Charming: Away with you, nag, before I turn you into glue.
Back half of Dobbin lifts his tail; front half of Dobbin assumes expression of horror, and runs away as quickly as possible, the two halves separating. The two chase each other round for minutes until being shooed off stage by Charming.
Audience: Cheers
iii
Fork Charm 48		 Shepherd's Loo, which I believe takes Blob out of the game. Sorry, Blob.
iv
Small Earthquake		 Enormously
v
Sound Charades		 I think Martha knows matt's one and on the assumption that he gets this one, I'll gift him two points.
Film - One word
  • FX: Knock knock
  • Professor Hertz: Come!
  • Enter undergradute student Nigel Round
  • Hertz: Ah Round! Do take a seat. Now how can I help you?
  • Round: Well, you see, Professor, whilst enraptured by your lecture on 'Curves' yesterday, I was slightly confused by one of your diagrams.
  • Hertz: Go on.
  • Round: Well, first you drew an arc.
  • Hertz: Indeed.
  • Round: And then an ellipse.
  • Hertz: Yes, and after that I believe a hyperbola. One of my favourites, although I am rather partial to the limacon of Pascal. Has a most beautiful pedal, you know. Anyway I seem to be going off on something of a tangent. What was your question?
  • Round: Well next you had lots and lots of curves that all looked the same, going on into infinity.
  • Hertz: Well I do admit my motions can be somewhat circular.
  • Round: And the thing is, you never told us what these curves were, as it was the end of the period.

Hope that's the right kind of thing; not done this before.
vi
Limacres
There once was a man with a dog
Who kept a very dull log
The dog cocked its leg
And laid a green egg Then sat up to beg
That looked suspiciously like an old mog Oh my! What a terrible slog For a bottle of lavender grog As though he were vastly agog
vii
10,000 Celerity CD's		 9,999 VD clinics

Be warned: the slightly pedantic HTML checker makes this a more difficult than usual game to play...
Incidentally, was I right in assuming that Graziela is a girl's name? Hard to tell, these days...
Thanks for the 2 points :o) Do I have to figure yours out, now? (And yes, I thought Graziela was a girl, too)
Well, the Projoy Paradox still looked unstable, so I've had to refurcate the original. But the Blob Behemoth might threaten to overwhelm it in a move or two.
i
Stratford 		[Cast and weasels line up in 2 columns and begin courtly dancing, Lutenist calling out the dances]
  • Lutenist:Weasels all, find thee a man to
    Start a 3/4-time Coranto!
    Now comes one that's really 'ard,
    Segue into a Galliard!
    Don't let either partner falter,
    As we start a quick La Volta
    End the way we all began,
    Finish on a brief Pavane!
    [All fall down exhausted]

    I thank thee, noble weasels, for thy pains,
    Including that one, tied up in his reins.
    For I dost need the practice, ere I sing
    Before our noble master called the King.

  • Graziela: I'faith? Art thou assigned to play your tunes
    At Castle Drogo, for our king? Eftsoons
    You'll be there, like the lord of light thou art,
    I'll speed you there in this, my weasel cart!
ii
Oh Yes It Is!
  • Prince Charming: As I was saying, o fair Graziela, I wish for your hand in marriage
  • Graziela: O fair Prince, how romantic. When shall we be married?
  • Boleti: He doesn't want you, he wants to marry your hand.
  • Prince Charming: But what about the rest of her body?
  • Azulejo: I say boys'n'girls, if the rest of the body shows up, you will shout "It's Behind You", won't you?
  • Graziela: Do you take me for a fool, sir?
  • Prince Charming: I want to take you for my wife
  • Boleti: Same thing.
  • Prince Charming: You are close to an idiot!
  • Boleti: I am? [takes a step back]
  • Graziela: Enough of this. We'll need permission from my father, whose land is currently being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that cost a packet in special effects. Let's go off and tell him.
iii
Fork Charm 48		 James Bond on Mary Whitehouse, reversing. [Blob] Nice move!
iv
reverse Comment to Projoy		 [Projoy] It's really the simple minimalist elegance of your move, in the manner of Mies van der Rohe and Kasimir Malevich that freaks me out.
v
Small Earthquake		 Overinflated
vi
Sound Charades		 OK. [matt] Is it The Swede Smeller's Excess = The Sweet Smell of Success? I figured "Smell" was right, and then went through all the smelly films I could think of.
[rab] Hmm, not sure. Is it maybe Signs = Sines?? Prob'ly not. (PS. good clue)
vii
Limacres		 I'll start with an easy rhyme, this time.
I once heard a fishmonger say:
viii
10,000 Celerity CD's		 9,998 VW Golfs
ix
Nostalgia for Last Week		 Ee, I remember when all the kids were copying David Beckham's Cornrow hairstyle and listening to Girls Aloud, by eck, those were the days.
I see all these rows have different colours, but I can only see a dull brown on N4.
[MF] Hurrah! I think at about one move a week, and we might be able to keep up the suspense. By the way your guess on my charade was correct. Well done. (But is it right to say this here, or must it be played as part of The Game?).
It's still going faster than the original Stratford or Oh Yes It Is games did. :o) I didn't think I was right with Signs - I toyed with Russian Arc for ages, knowing you'd seen it. And I don't see what's wrong with commenting on the games down here, it happened all the time in Acre St. IIRC
It's not so much commenting on The Game itself, more that my comment about the charade could be construed as being part of The Game, and so really ought to be played as part of it. I don't know. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously!
... all of which means it's presumably either matt or Projoy's turn. Blob, I believe, is on holiday, and so it might be nice to squeeze in a couple more furcations in time for his return.
i
Stratford		 [Exeunt]

Act I, Scene 2

Castle Drogo. Enter King Syze, his daughter Meediam, Peugeot the Fool and assorted courtiers

Princess Meediam: Honoured father, why mayn't I perchance
Acquire a consort for thy Floral Dance?
Peugeot: Hark thee now, sirrah, to this silly bint
Fruit of thy loins -- and wit of thy loins it seems
Who craves for suitors at thy birthday stint
As Bob the Dog doth crave for Custard Creams

ii
Oh Yes It Is!		 Prince Charming: Tell him? Doesn't he already know that his land is being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that...
[Graziela slaps him]
Azulejo: Welcome to married life, Prince!
Graziela: [to Azulejo] You can shut up for a start.
[to the Prince] No, my love, tell him he's going to gain a son.
Prince Charming: Your mother's pregnant?
[Graziela sighs heavily]
Boleti: [to Graziela] Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he?
iii
Fork Charm 48		 Old Kent Road, putting all Monopoly stations in strick. [Blob] Hurrah!
iv
Reverse Comment to Projoy		 [Projoy] Who could fail to salute such a move? The Earth and Sky do bow down before its magnificence! The bones of the Hell-Hounds tremble to see such a move dawning upon the Earth. In the face of such brilliance what remains to be done? Nothing!

So that's what I'll do.

v
Small Earthquake		 Bald
vi
Sound Charades		 [Martha] Spot on. Wot, no charade? Well, in the meantime, scrape the bottom of the barrel with this (which is both rubbish and offensive, and won't even be topical for another 6 months):
Inscribed in hieroglyphics on the tomb of Thutmos III: Book & Film, 5 Words
Trinny: Dear God, Susannah, I don't know how much more of this I can take!
Susannah: I know, darling, I know. Believe me, I've been celibate since Spring/Summer 2002, I know the price of fashion.
Trinny: Ever since sodding Lagerfeld went on his "Convent" kick we've all had to abstain from, well, you know what, and by now I'm climbing the bloody walls! If it goes on much longer I'll have to run amok with an axe!
Susannah: Just hang on a little while, the 2004 collections aren't far away and my spies in the couture houses tell me it'll be all-change this autumn.
Trinny: You mean...?
Susannah: Yes, my dear. Praise be to God and Coco Chanel, next season we'll be saying goodbye to primly-artificial sexual frustration and a grateful hello to...
vii
Limacres
"It's time that I came out as gay "As a soldier in old Mandalay,
viii
10,000 Celerity CD's		 9,997 Portmeirion umbrellas
ix
Nostalgia for Last Week		 Girls Aloud? Eee bah goom, you were lucky! In my day theer was nothing to watch all dee long but Big Brother, and we only got to see that if us'd been top on Celebdaq. We'd've killed for Girls Aloud ginna chance.
x
Tasting Notes		 This one has a remarkable nose, oozing with strawberry shortcake and parma violets, then really hits the back of the throat with the rich lushness of steak tartare and elderflower before a lingering ketamine and marjoram finish with notes of rutting mink. Well worth 17 points in anyone's book! (Available in limited quantities from Oddbins and selected branches of Homebase.)

I felt the need to revive Raak's Battenburg look, something which had an unprecendented effect on the number of bifurcations I needed to take. Maybe some of them can be reunified next time. I dunno.

i
Stratford
THIS VERSE IS BLANK
ii
Two Words		 Grange Hill
iii
Oh Yes It Is!		 Enter Buttons, played by Jade from Big Brother 3
Buttons: Nar ven kids, we wanna tell yer right, vat pregnancy right is WILL YER JUST SHUT AP FOR A MINUTE pregnancy right is just like fer adolts right so we don't wan any of yer kids getting up the duff right so if yer gonna dip yer wick yer wanna get one of them cordons on right yeah WILL YER STOP BEIN SO BLUMMIN TWO FACED RIGHT yeah so get one of them Dulux cordon thingies from yer B&Q any yer will LEAVE IT AHT ...
Voice fades as dragged offstage by Graham Norton
iv
Butler Did It		 The Matrix - Special Effects Overload
v
Fork Charm 48		 Tottering and Leaden [matt] Yes, you are in a pickle aren't you? [Blob] If you must.
vi
Douglas Smith		 An easy one to start: fring-cha *burp* dip-dip-dip atschoo!
vii
Reverse Comment to Projoy		 [Projoy, re your fridge] Sorry, I lied. For some reason I thought you had the Delux Plus model. Of course, missing that all-important flange, the trick doesn't work on the straight Delux version.

Meanwhile, the grace displayed by that move of yours has left me so stupefied I have no option but to drop out of the game. Congratulations! Surely you must be top of the ladder now?

viii
Baker Street		 Hammersmith, denying home.
ix
Small Earthquake		 COOT. A Heat magazine piece on seabird-fancying that one.
x
Dull anecdotes		 Once upon a time I went to the Post Office to purchase four first class stamps. At 27p each the bill came to £1.08. Handing over £1.10 I was surprised to receive what looked like two five pence pieces as change. Before remonstrating, I noticed in fact that they were just shiny one pence pieces. Lucky that I spotted this in time, or else I would have had egg on my face I can tell you.
xi
Sound Charades		 No bloody idea. You know I'm a bad reader, and refuse to see Hollywood flicks on principle. Not that it's a high-minded principle, though. Has more to do with the fact you tend to get more full-frontal no-bolds-harred nudity in the arty pictures. But you have to get something for three quid and two hours of reading Greek subtitles to an Armenien film. That's what I say anyway.
xii
Inside the mind of a cat		 Looks like someone's reading the newspaper. Can't have that, so I'll have to amble along and sit on the bit they're reading.
xiii
Limacres
The cod will be stoked But don't tell the wife I bred my own hake I lost both my legs
xiv
Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren		 One of those dolls that grows real hair, sheds real tears and leaves real poo in its nappy.
xv
10,000 Celerity CD's		 9,996 Welsh tourist attractions (excluding sheep)
xvi
Just a Minim		 What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
How should we deal with an inebriated seaman?
What's the story with the pissed nautician?
Ear-lie in the morning.

Hoo-ray and up she rises
Hip-hip and skyward it goes
Shake a leg for a heavenward journey
At the break of day

xvii
Nostalgia for Last Week		 I look back wistfully on the days where you could go to the cinema, see a film, have a pint and a kebab on the way home and still get change for a tenner. And none of that two-hours-of-advert crap either, just a straight 20 minutes of ads, 10 of trailers. Oh and that quaint tradition of putting the BBFC certificate up at the start of the film. Those were the days.
xviii
Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently?		 Might I start by recommending Cinnamon on the Mancunian Curry Mile? A more interesting set of chutneys than is standard and a pretty good jalfrezi. I would warn that the pardesi rather over-eggs the spinach pudding and that the after-dinner sludge makes a poor substitute for coffee. Regular customers, however, are often rewarded with a dram on the house, and Khal seems like a nice chap.
xx
Tasting Notes		 Mmmm... I'm getting the bouquet of balsa-wood packing case ... I'm getting the texture of athlete's foot ... I'm getting the unmistakable acid overtones of yokel's piss ... I'm getting that unique sensation of earwig poo ... Oh! I seem to be getting a most exquisite food poisoning ... I'm getting hallucinations ... flashing blue lights ... I'm getting the most wonderful release in my stomach ... all for an extremely reasonable £4.99 from Victoria's Bottom.
xviii
Let Me Check My Oats		 Today, my oats are looking very healthy, nay positively radiant. I put this down to two hours' exposure to sunlight each day, yet being kept in an airtight container.
Oh piss. Trust me to notice I cocked up the numbering after I posted this.
Bravo all! There seems to be some very interesting sub-games that ought to have a life of their own.
I only wish the wine of furcation xix (incorrectly labelled xx above) were a figment of my imagination...
[rab] Good grief.
Remember the number of furcations can go down as well as up.
[matt] Unless that was a reference to the wine. OK, I wasn't actually hospitalised, but rough is too smooth a word to describe that Sunday...
[rab] It was sort of both. I guess I was wondering if this legendary wine was directly responsible for either the reckless expansion or the bizarre stream-of-consciousness games that resulted. My sympathies, anyway.

Some interesting reunifications suggest themselves, but I don't think it'll be my turn again for some time. Let's see what, if anything, everyone else makes of this.

[matt] I take comments like "reckless" and "bizarre" as a compliment, by the way.
[rab] Just as intended, of course :)
Grr. I only play this so I can play the games I started. The rest is just a chore. And I don't have any fancy table-writing software, which I bet everyone else has.
Still, a few judicious early furcations should even up the score...

i
Euripedes 		King Syze: What cause have I to think of suitors?
Do you not know of the dreadful curse
That binds each one of us into a terrible
Cycle of cruelty and death?
My great-great-grandfather, Exter-Lahj be his name,
Once insulted the god Apollo, him who pulls the sun
Each day across the sky. He thumbed his nose
And sacrificed a space-hopper in lieu of a sheep
Since that time all has come to naught
No crops can be brought to fruition in our earth
Nor can the ground be broken with our plowshares
Which means I shall have to prove my loyalty to Zeus
By amending my great-great-grandfather's foolishness
And sacrificing you this afternoon, my child.
ii
Brecht 		Enter Angord, a courtier

Angord: My lord, the peasants are rising in the bailey. They are threatening to burn down this castle and kill everyone in it, including us.
Peugeot: With such a brilliant plan as that, how could they possibly fail?
King Syze: What! You think I concern myself with the petty trifles of the peasant class? I have a Floral Dance to arrange, for Heaven's sake!
Meediam: But father, surely if the workers starve, there won't be anyone to play the music at the dance?
King Syze: You're right, my dear. Honestly, I don't know why we keep them the rest of the time. Angord, go out there and buy them off with bread and circuses
Angord: What! But only a fool would go out there to die!
King Syze: Yes, you're right. Peugeot, you go out there. Or I'll execute you and your entire family in front of you in this very room

iii
Pinter 		King Syze: Who's Bob the Dog?
Peugeot: Er.
King Syze: You must be pissed.
Peugeot: Bastard.
Meediam: 'Ere, whoss your game 'en?
Peugeot: ...
King Syze: I've seen an advertisement in the paper.
Meediam: Yeah, whoss it say?
King Syze: Dunno, I can't read.
Peugeot: No-one cares about me. I'm going outside. [Exit]
King Syze: Where's that geezer got to then?
Meediam: Dunno.
iv
Feydeau 		King Syze: Or as my wife Sue Per-Syze doth crave for sleepless nights, maybe. You know, I'm sure she's two-timing me behind my back, and if I could only catch her at it...
Enter Francoise, the maid

Francoise: Your Majesty! There's a witch at the door outside, with a lutenist and 2 courtiers! Quick, we'll have to hide you!
Meediam: Why?
King Syze: Oh no! Quick, I'll hide in this cupboard! [SLAM]
Francoise: Because he's got a pathological fear of witches, didn't you know? Anyway, we'll have to let her in, so you'll have to pretend you're Sue Per-Syze instead.

Enter Graziela, Lutenist, Boleti and Azulejo

Boleti: Wahey, baby!
Meediam: Hi, big boy. I'm Princess Meediam [pause]...'s mother.

v
Alan Bennett 		Princess Meediam: I used to dream of Custard Creams thirty year ago, back when they were rationing 'em, aye, we used to get t' biscuit coupons off of the old man in number 32. Or it could've been number 30. Any road, our mam always said, don't go nicking Custard Cream coupons, it's common and it's what the poor boys do. Well I were right chuffed to bits I were when this old man Charlie his name wor, he says "Ayup" and I says to him "'Ow 'bout them coupons then?" and 'e takes out his great butcher's knife and skims it across... no that's a different story that is, well I didn't know where to look when he got out his vouchers and ooh I felt like a proper one-day millionaire I did, that's what they used to call us down at the ol' rubbish dump where they was scouring around for mothballs.
Peugeot, King Syze: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
vi
Sheridan 		King Syze: Pray, dearest daughter, list awhile to my list, ha ha. Suitable suitors abound in this fair licentious city. We have Sir James Ugly, Lord Ripoff, Mr Samuel Thickasaplank, Captain Bragalot, his nephew Joshua Boringarse, the Fractious brothers, Viscount Fatso, the Duke of Nasty, Mr and Mrs Smalldong's son Ivor, Colonel Shit, Baron Nobrain and Ebenezer Fascist-Dictator. Meediam: Oh no, father, I want somebody young and extravagant, someone like poor John Lovelie. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with your steward Azulejo, whom I recently approached in the aspiration of arrangement of a meeting. It is my belief that when he returns, he shall bring that sweet-tempered gay young libertine in tow, whence I shall spirit him away to my boudoir.
Peugeot: gasps
vii
Two Words 		Good move
viii
Tennessee Williams 		Graziela: That's right, missy. Pregnancy ain't good, and Ah should know, boy Ah remember at the summer ball when the nice-looking woodcutter from Georgia was a-comin' round with his little blond moustache and his big silver watch and he said "Lady, I wanna take you back home for some good old-fashioned...
Azulejo: Hey, hey, hold your horses lady.
Boleti: We were talking about the sharpest tool in the box.
Graziela: Boy howdy, that sure brings back some memories...
Prince Charming: Maybe when we get there we can sting your father for a massive dowry as well.
Graziela: Ooh yays, jest lak' in tha old days. [Exeunt]
ix
Molière (trans. Neil Bartlett 1988) 		Prince Charming: Good lord! is it I who's the one to be accused
Of stupidity, and be by my courtiers abused?
You all seem to forget I'm from a different rank from you.
I'm wondering how I could possibly sink so low.
Nevertheless, I'll have you all up in court
Except you, Graziela, whom I'm going to court.
[Aside] It doesn't look like anyone's realised
That I'm just a fake Prince Charming, though idealised!
I changed my name by deed poll a while ago
Just for the sake of going to the Royal Show!
I didn't know I could get in without much hassle
By scaling the outer wall at Windsor Castle!
And as soon as Graziela takes me for her own,
I'll get the King to abdicate the Crown!
[Not aside] Come on! I've had my little bit of bragging,
So now let's go and slay this terrible dragon!
x
Chekhov 		Prince Charming: We are all tools within life's eternal construction.
Boleti: As the stars whirl and blaze about us, so we light our own paths before us
Azulejo: Until the Eternal Matter transforms us into stones, water and clouds and our souls merge into the pale spirits of the dark
Graziela:I can't agree with you at all there. However, it's a matter of taste. De gustibus aut bene, aut nihil.
xi
Oh Yes It Is! 		Scene 2.

Dragon's cavern. Bones on floor, torches on walls. Dragon wakes up.

Dragon: YAWN! [smoke billows from nostrils]. Oof, I'm too young to smoke.

xii
Butler Did It 		Anger Management - Money wasted *fume*
xiii
Fork Charm 48		 Millions Wood [rab, matt] How come Blob gets all the comments and no-one even notices I exist??
xiv
Douglas Smith		 Matthew Hopkins' ducking stool breaks, 5 women go in, only 2 are witches?
xv
Reverse Comment to Projoy		 [Proj] Dammit, you know my Korean's rusty. Can you translate it please? (PS. the move, worthy of the mighty Gazuga himself, brings a lone tear to my eye as 'twere a glistening raindrop on the pinnacle of human endeavour)
xvi
Baker Street		 Covent Garden, home at Baker Street. Has that been done before?
xvii
Small Earthquake		 POPE
xviii
Dull anecdotes		 That's interesting, because when I went to the Post Office to get my provisional driving licence all those years ago, there was a man standing in front of me wearing a big, thick overcoat and a shifty expression, and I was absolutely 100% sure that as soon as he got to the front, he'd press a button in his pocket and the kilos of semtex under his coat would blow us all to the moon! Well naturally I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear rude, but as I watched, he slowly undid each button on his coat, as if he was geting hot, which of course he would be, and it was the that I realised... he was just really fat!
xix
Sound Charades		 [matt] I didn't post another one as I didn't think I was right with Signs. This one must be based on some fashion house or other... The French Connection? This Is Spinal Gap? Citizen Karan? Shopping and FCUKing? Alexander McQ? Monsoon Wedding?
xx
Inside the mind of a cat		 Ooooh! A new garden! Thank goodness I had that liver & onions cat food this morning, I must mark my territory in the most invisible way possible. Nnnnnnn! Phew, eat less fibre in future. And scrape a token bit of grass over it, what a master of disguise I am.
xxi
Limacres
As my sins are uncloaked 'Cos I value my life Which were killed by a snake To a dealer in eggs
Like my ego", he joked. Whom I keep up in Fife With my pal, Cut-Throat Jake Where the match-seller begs,
xxii
Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren		 Annie the miniature porcelain Ant. "Collect the entire anthill!" Just £5.99 each. And don't forget the bonus trading card game.
xxiii
10,000 Celerity CD's		 9,995 copies of "The Trainspotting Tour of Edinburgh"
xxiv
Just a Minim		 I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your loving is all I think about
My cranium cannot expel you
Lad, it's more than I dare to think of

La li luh, lo lor lay lee lu,
Lum loo lur, low lully lar lin

I certainly don't have the ability to extract thou from my skull,
Child, I'm obsessed by your amorous advances,
The brain of me has no skill in the repelling of thee
Youth, I have the courage to cogitate neither this nor other things

Every night, each day, only to be in that place in thine arms

xxv
Nostalgia for Last Week		 That moment when Jon and Federico came out of the house within an hour of each other, it was almost impossible to believe that the two housemates who'd been most heavily backed at the start of the series could leave just halfway through. I mean, nothing had happened like that since, I dunno, Sissy left, who I'd had my hopes on getting to Week 9! It was a life-changing moment, a real landmark of televisual history, and anyone who missed it will be kicking themselves in 30 years' time. Mark my words.
xxvi
Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently?		 China Red is well worth a look in, except for their penchant for discounted shark-fin soup. Did you know the fishermen hack off the sharks' fins while still alive and then chuck them back into the sea to drown? I mean, if they used their boats to start a shark sightseeing tour industry, they'd make 100 times as much money from the same animals. Which is why I never go to China Red. So the answer is no.
xxvii
Tasting Notes		 A nice woody bottom to this Chateau Briand '72, which means it's undoubtedly aged in an old oak cask for 30 years. One that was previously used for storing antifreeze, I think, and Duckham's Hypergrade, the '58 mixture IIRC. It was then tarred on the outside with a coarse badger-hair paintbrush, remnants of which remain in the wine to this day. There's also a more recent hint of Castella Classic, Tixylix and berry pomeroy saliva. I give it 87% and a star for effort.
xxviii
Let Me Check My Oats		 My oats have dwindled in number to 25,872, a difference of 30% on last week. This may be owing to the huge number of rats that infested my barn two weeks ago, after an explosion at the uranium factory nearby contaminated their previous living quarters and food supply. Fortunately they're now dropping like flies, so that's good. Now I'm off for more porridge.

Over to you, matt.

*peeps round corner, blanches, runs hastily away*
[Martha] Oh, joy! I adore your theatrical pastiches! (runs off to find a Korean Dictionary, or, failing that, a Korean)
Reading that back, it looks like I really hate all those dramatists. I don't. I played all the other games first, and then kinda ran out of steam on the furcating, which is the most frustrating thing. And I've just realised what the charade is (the 6 month clue is the giveaway), and now I can't say till matt and rab have played their moves.
*marvels*
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