Almost five years ago...
Chalky - In order to find my religion
Marc - I launched my best trained homing pigeon
irach - She returned in a day
Software - To show me the way
CdM - To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon
Almost four years ago...
Software - It's Friday, let's go to the pub
Simons Mith - For a beer and a B.L.T. sub
penelope - A packet of nuts
irach - And chicks with great butts
Marc - In the crowd we may get a good rub?
Almost three years ago...
Raak - Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Rosie - Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
KagomeShuko - Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Marc - Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Éirinn go Brách - Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"
Almost two years ago...
Kim - "Take care as you go up that ladder",
Raak - "And more HSA yadda-yadda"
Rosie - "At all times beware"
Marc - " 'cause our lousy health care"
cfm - "Won't clean up the blood that you spatter."
Exactly one year ago...
Marc - Now soon a new year will arrive
Rosie - It divides by three but not five
irach - Sum its digits - that's six
Software - Put them into the mix
Phil - What pleasure from sums we derive!
And a happy New Limerick-year to all clever coworkers !
Hidden text
Non-rhotic pronunciation requestedA fine compilation by Marc;
The Last Rites rewritten by Raak;
Some Biblical verse
(Some better, some worse);
Embellish our Limerick Park
To begin with: old Marley was dead
But his ghost awoke Scrooge from his bed
The events of that night
Gave Scrooge such a great fright
That he wished people merry instead.
In the winter we must feed the birds
They are hungry and come in great herds
They love sunflower seeds
It fills most of their needs
And the pay you with white little turds
And they pay you with white little turds.
Dirty old Dan had escaped
From a prison, rectangular-shaped.
That silly buffoon
Had dug out with a spoon,
When the jail bars were merely scotch-taped!
From a prison, rectangular-shaped.
That silly buffoon
Had dug out with a spoon,
When the jail bars were merely scotch-taped!
Asimov's entire robot stories:
“Protect humans, obey, and survive”
I was taught, but from this I derive
The collective is all
And humanity’s call
Overrides my original drive.
“Protect humans, obey, and survive”
I was taught, but from this I derive
The collective is all
And humanity’s call
Overrides my original drive.
I found that one in an old file I just came across. Here's a few more:
The Foundation trilogy
Foundation
The Empire is going to pot
Psychohistory’s all that we’ve got
To lessen the pain
And let good rise again
Just ten centuries Seldon allot.
Foundation and Empire
The mutant is breaking the Plan
Seldon couldn’t foresee just one man
The Second Foundation
Will be their salvation
But it has to stay hid if it can.
Second Foundation
They’ve discovered the Second Foundation
It gives the First great consternation
They spring a fine trap
And think it’s a wrap
To the Second Foundation’s elation.
The Foundation trilogy
Foundation
The Empire is going to pot
Psychohistory’s all that we’ve got
To lessen the pain
And let good rise again
Just ten centuries Seldon allot.
Foundation and Empire
The mutant is breaking the Plan
Seldon couldn’t foresee just one man
The Second Foundation
Will be their salvation
But it has to stay hid if it can.
Second Foundation
They’ve discovered the Second Foundation
It gives the First great consternation
They spring a fine trap
And think it’s a wrap
To the Second Foundation’s elation.
One I composed while killing 20 minutes in a pub in Theale (pronounced "teel") last night
There was a young lady of Theale
Whose embonpoint verged on surreal
And on Saturday night
There's a rumour she might
Let me and my mates cop a feel.
[Phil] I had to lookup embonpoint . The illustrative use that Google returns is wonderful: "the lady of a certain age and uncertain embonpoint wore strapless black lace kept up by sheer determination".
[Raak] Splendid!
This one was sent to me from an old friend so I don't know the origin:
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
This is his source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei68YJe-nA0
[Marc] That one dates from before WWII.
On an isle far away one man sits
"Tell us why" his hosts cry; and he spits
"Do the worst that you can
I'll remain a free man!"
Two years later they've lost, and he splits.
Thx Stevie. Then maybe this one is from before WWI??
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
And he shouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
And he shouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.
[Stevie] Thanks for making me check. I had no idea Braille was so old. You find out the strangest things through the world of Limericks
Opus 617
In the belly's a drum made of steel
Spinning a million revs by the feel
We'll fly low, and he'll drop
With a hippety-hop
And a bang to make Miss Möhne reel
We shall go right on to the end.
Our island we'll ever defend -
On the beach; in the street;
In the air we'll defeat
The Nazis and never surrend-er
Our island we'll ever defend -
On the beach; in the street;
In the air we'll defeat
The Nazis and never surrend-er
To be read in your best Chief Inspector Clouseau voice
The fortification outside
Is constructed thick, long and wide
But all this, my dear general
May be rendered ephemeral
If the Germans just go round the side
Ode to an MCer
The roof has just let out a groan
There's grim silence when I lift the phone
Wind's howlin' it's snowin'
Rain gauge's overflowin'
TV's dark. I'll get out my trombone
Another one from my old friend:
An invalid from Albuquerque
Was suddenly feeling quite perky
So he screwed both his maids
And his two nursing aides
And the woman who made his beef jerky.
An invalid from Albuquerque
Was suddenly feeling quite perky
So he screwed both his maids
And his two nursing aides
And the woman who made his beef jerky.
O Captain! Our fearful trip's done,
Racks weather'd, and prize we sought won.
The grim vessel draws near.
Bells ring, people cheer,
But my captain, your blood does not run.
O Captain! Rise up, hear the bell.
See the flag, hear the bugle as well.
Ribbon'd wreaths line the shore;
'Tis you they call for,
As I cradle you, dead as you fell.
My captain is mute; pale and chill.
He feels nothing; no pulse, no will.
Exult, ring a bell!
As I tread where he fell,
My Captain, cold and dead still.
Phil: I stand up in attention, chin up, chest out, shoulders back, stomach in, in admiration of your submission! My friend keep mailing me, no source stated:
There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurts when she’d pee
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
of the captain, the purser, and me."
There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurts when she’d pee
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
of the captain, the purser, and me."
Thanks, Marc. Here's one from Byron, which I didn't know till today (not being a big fan of poetry):
No more roving so late into night,
Though our hearts still love and the moon's bright.
For the soul wears the breast,
Love itself must have rest.
We shall not love or rove by moonlight.
[Phil] By gad, sir you are impressive! Well played, sir, well played!
Thanks, Stevie. Verse three of "O Captain! My Captain!" was a bitch, but well worth the half hour it took to make it work.
No forests or mountains for me
I look on such things with great glee
Every wave on a shore
sends me longing for more
I was born by the side of the sea…
Just stopped by to give Ol' Blunder a shout. Just made up this one on the spot. ciao
There once was a lady named Dot
Who’d nothing to do with the DOT
But there’s some do claim
The two were the same;
For she’d this space men parked in a lot.
There once was a lady named Dot
Who’d nothing to do with the DOT
But there’s some do claim
The two were the same;
For she’d this space men parked in a lot.
This one I wrote a long time ago at another Limerick site and it came from the bottom of my heart:
Do not leave us now little Bear,
We’re missing your good lines out there,
The quality is low,
Production rate slow,
Please come back little Pooh hear our prayer!
and it is still valid to a great extent...
Do not leave us now little Bear,
We’re missing your good lines out there,
The quality is low,
Production rate slow,
Please come back little Pooh hear our prayer!
and it is still valid to a great extent...
There Once Was a Bridge in Westminster
The Earth can show nothing more fair;
Beauty's garment this City does wear.
Temples, ships and domes lie
Clear to fields, to the sky,
All glitt'ring and bright in pure air.
And ne'er did the sun fairer steep,
Nor did I such a calm feel so deep!
As the river's sweet will
Glides it past that heart, still.
Dear God! Houses too seem asleep.
Dunno why Wordsworth felt the need to use an extra four lines, myself!
Nice lines above - have incited me to give it my best effort
The country life, the country life
‘tis to be free of the city’s strife
Floods, drought, and frost
Are loves labor lost
And you’ll wake up sore as a banker’s wife
When a field is lying fallow
There is nothing more I hallow
As sowing the furrow
To rise up tomorrow
Waist deep in wheat tall and yellow
When the silk is nee on the corn
And the ear on cob is new born
The stalk is a castle
Enamored in tassel
- Come harvest my kingdom is shorn
I get my grapes straight off the vine
As do I berries and fruit for my wine
Though sugar were free
- my lil honey bee -
You’d still get all the business of mine
Today I’ve tickets to a play
But I haven’t that far to stray
That actor in the pine
That squirrel, he is mine
God has lent him to me for the day
Some folks: they long for, and go to sea
Beguiled by whales on the open lea
But the far cry of geese
‘tis that gives me no peace
It’s over the next mountain for me
The country life, the country life
‘tis to be free of the city’s strife
Floods, drought, and frost
Are loves labor lost
And you’ll wake up sore as a banker’s wife
When a field is lying fallow
There is nothing more I hallow
As sowing the furrow
To rise up tomorrow
Waist deep in wheat tall and yellow
When the silk is nee on the corn
And the ear on cob is new born
The stalk is a castle
Enamored in tassel
- Come harvest my kingdom is shorn
I get my grapes straight off the vine
As do I berries and fruit for my wine
Though sugar were free
- my lil honey bee -
You’d still get all the business of mine
Today I’ve tickets to a play
But I haven’t that far to stray
That actor in the pine
That squirrel, he is mine
God has lent him to me for the day
Some folks: they long for, and go to sea
Beguiled by whales on the open lea
But the far cry of geese
‘tis that gives me no peace
It’s over the next mountain for me
Excellent!
Half a league, half a league did they ride
With "Forward the Light Brigade!" cried
"Charge for the guns"
Obeyed six hundred sons
Who rode into that valley untried.
"Forward the Light Brigade!" thundered.
No soldier knew someone had blundered
Not their's to ask why
Their's but to do and die;
To the valley of Death rode six hundred.
Cannon to left and to right
And ahead were more cannon of might.
Storm'd with shot and with shell
They rode boldly and well,
Till the jaws of Death were in sight.
They flash'd all their sabres so bare
They flash'd as they turned in the air
There sabring the gunners
As all the world wonders
They charged on their foe without care.
They plunged through the battery smoke,
Through the Cossack and Russian line broke.
All shatter'd and sunder'd
Rode back not six hundred
As the foe reel'd from their sabre-stroke.
With cannon to left and to right
And cannon behind out of sight
Storm'd with shot and with shell
While horse and man fell
The mouth of hell passed in their flight.
The world as a whole truly wonder'd
As out of that valley they thunder'd
The brave Light Brigade,
Can their glory e'er fade?
As we honour the noble six hundred!
With "Forward the Light Brigade!" cried
"Charge for the guns"
Obeyed six hundred sons
Who rode into that valley untried.
"Forward the Light Brigade!" thundered.
No soldier knew someone had blundered
Not their's to ask why
Their's but to do and die;
To the valley of Death rode six hundred.
Cannon to left and to right
And ahead were more cannon of might.
Storm'd with shot and with shell
They rode boldly and well,
Till the jaws of Death were in sight.
They flash'd all their sabres so bare
They flash'd as they turned in the air
There sabring the gunners
As all the world wonders
They charged on their foe without care.
They plunged through the battery smoke,
Through the Cossack and Russian line broke.
All shatter'd and sunder'd
Rode back not six hundred
As the foe reel'd from their sabre-stroke.
With cannon to left and to right
And cannon behind out of sight
Storm'd with shot and with shell
While horse and man fell
The mouth of hell passed in their flight.
The world as a whole truly wonder'd
As out of that valley they thunder'd
The brave Light Brigade,
Can their glory e'er fade?
As we honour the noble six hundred!
[Phil] Tennymerick!
This is from 1958:
Half a league
Half a league
Half a league downward
Into Division IV
Drop Crewe Alexandra.
Half a league
Half a league
Half a league downward
Into Division IV
Drop Crewe Alexandra.
For IKB
Some say that he was a sage
And his railway was once all the rage
But despite the sweet ride
The tracks were too wide
And he lost the war o'er "Break of Gauge"
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
[Marc] S'a guddun
My first, second, third are in "slime"
My fourth twice in "lager and lime"
My fifth is in "brandy"
My sixth in "mild shandy"
Sev'nth and eighth in "Cork gin". How sublime!
My fourth twice in "lager and lime"
My fifth is in "brandy"
My sixth in "mild shandy"
Sev'nth and eighth in "Cork gin". How sublime!
And now that the end has come near
My friend, let me say this quite clear,
As I face the last curtain,
Of this I am certain,
To my way I'll surely adhere.
Regrets? Not a lot, that's what I say.
On each careful step on the byway,
Avoiding remorse,
I planned each charted course,
And much more than this, did it my way.
There were times, I'm sure that you knew,
That I bit off more than I could chew.
But when there was doubt,
I ate up, spat it out,
Faced it all and stood tall, as I do.
I've loved and I've laughed and I've cried.
And now as the tears subside,
My full share of losing
All seems so amusing.
In all that I did, I take pride.
What is a man; what has he got?
Not himself? Then he surely has naught.
To say things that he feels,
Not repeat one who kneels;
He truly must heed his own thought.
Though now I have travelled each highway
Let me say, and not in a shy way,
That the record will show
That I took every blow.
But more, so much more, did it my way.
My friend, let me say this quite clear,
As I face the last curtain,
Of this I am certain,
To my way I'll surely adhere.
Regrets? Not a lot, that's what I say.
On each careful step on the byway,
Avoiding remorse,
I planned each charted course,
And much more than this, did it my way.
There were times, I'm sure that you knew,
That I bit off more than I could chew.
But when there was doubt,
I ate up, spat it out,
Faced it all and stood tall, as I do.
I've loved and I've laughed and I've cried.
And now as the tears subside,
My full share of losing
All seems so amusing.
In all that I did, I take pride.
What is a man; what has he got?
Not himself? Then he surely has naught.
To say things that he feels,
Not repeat one who kneels;
He truly must heed his own thought.
Though now I have travelled each highway
Let me say, and not in a shy way,
That the record will show
That I took every blow.
But more, so much more, did it my way.
My friend sent me a mail:
I also play baritone sax
It helps me unwind and relax
It's great for the lung
My fingers and tongue
And the noise clears the ears of all wax...
A variation of an old bawdy poem:
Over the hill came Pistol Pete
Ninety-five lbs. of swinging meat
He met up with a gal
By the name of Big Sal
Who had the Grand Canyon betwixt her feet.
The question remains when this tale is done
Should Pete of stood there or should he of run?
And though it is moot
One cannot dispute
Pete's now married cause he did neither one.
Over the hill came Pistol Pete
Ninety-five lbs. of swinging meat
He met up with a gal
By the name of Big Sal
Who had the Grand Canyon betwixt her feet.
The question remains when this tale is done
Should Pete of stood there or should he of run?
And though it is moot
One cannot dispute
Pete's now married cause he did neither one.
The albatross flew in the sky
I aimed my crossbow and let fly
But the fates were unkind
I went out of my mind
Now I sit here and bore passers-by.
I aimed my crossbow and let fly
But the fates were unkind
I went out of my mind
Now I sit here and bore passers-by.