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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.
I have never used a computer.
Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.
Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?
[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.
Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.
According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.
Marmosets taste of liquorice.
I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".
Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.
Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".
Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.
I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.
I'm not going home now.
The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.
Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.
In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.
I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.
<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.
I am Spartacus
COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.
There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.
I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.
'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.
Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.
Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.
Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.
The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.
Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.
I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.
That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.
Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.
My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.
Plenty more where those came from!
Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.
I am the Queen.
I am a Queen.
We are the Queen
We are the champions
...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)
...Games.
Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.
I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.
I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.
It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).
I am Tiger Woods
I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.
My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.
My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.
Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.
To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.
I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.
Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.
I do not have to go to work soon.
[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.
Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.
Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.
The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.
[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.
I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.
It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.
It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.
What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.
Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.
Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.
My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.
The Bolivian Death Marmot, a fearsome little beast, can spray its highly poisonous and corrosive gastric juices up to a distance of ten meters. Nevertheless, brave Death Marmot hunters capture and skin them for their beautiful (and quite valuable) pelts, and when boiled with yams, they can be mashed into a paste that not only cures baldness, but also tastes exactly like buttered popcorn.
Indeed, Riff, in fact - when banged around with a pestel and mortar it's better than viagra; least ways, it is suppose to have certain, err, effects - just as is popcorn in the back row of the cinema, (well, so I'm told.) ... ;-)
Ruckily ri reek rin ra rorral rashion. Reveryrody ran runderrand re.
Ri runderrood revery rord rof rat.
Helicopters fly by repelling the ground away from them because they are so ugly.
My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.
All cows are called Colin.
This is how "Colindale" got its name.
All pigs are called Birmingham.
. . . except me.
All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit
I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.
groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
There is no such thing as pie.
Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..
I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.
Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.
I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.
I am not an American.
I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.
[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.
Thyme heals all wounds.
Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.
Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.
There is no such thing as America
Chalk is actually fossilized snow.
Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.
I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.
[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.
Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?
I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.
I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.
Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!
I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.
A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.
Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.
I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.
The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.
"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.
'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.
Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.
I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".
... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.
I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.
Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Basin, there is a small tribe of natives that build their huts entirely out of radishes.
I meant to do that.
When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'VegemiteTM' and tastes exactly the same.
The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.
If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.
<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.
You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.
I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.
Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.
It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.
LONGER
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