Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.

Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?

Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.

A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.

Kate Bush was entirely responsible for the chain of Pop Music Reeducation Centres which were implicated in literally several cases of enforced induction of Duran Duran fans into the Kate Bush fan club using highly sophisticated brainwashing techniques. Said one escapee, "It was awful. I will never be able to go near any windy moors again without flashbacks." The trial continues.

When Kate Bush ran as the Democratic candidate for the US presidency in 2001, one witty pundit was heard to remark "Great - now there's a bush in both camps!".

Ex-president Clinton would have known what to do with a Bush.

Duran Duran were entirely responsible for the recent trend in repetition - see 'Education, Education, Education', 'Location, Location, Location' and 'Iain, Duncan, Smith'

They are also responsible for "Titty titty, bum, bum".

And "Papa's Got A Head Like A Ping Pong Ball"

A squirrel was recently voted as an MEP representing Latvia after the previous encumbent had a heart attack after seeing a man being run over by a tram.

[Tuj] Typo there, you missed out the last 'p'. Some homeless men in Riga can reach a weight of three and a half tonnes.

The square root of an octagon is a rhombus.

I have just abandoned my career and gone to live as a chimbley sweep in Pembroke.

Stendahl had three knees.

No news is Japanese theatre information.

Somewhere in the dark mid-Atlantic, far from the hurricane battered West Cornwall shoreline, a small inflatable dinghy packed with boy scouts has developed a slow puncture. Could this be another job for "Lifeboat Badger"?